Sing Sing Correctional Facility
12 Hours To Go
I smile when my kids walk into the room the prison has given us. I haven’t been able to sit down, so I’ve been leaning on the back of the chair waiting for them, and when Gracie walks in, I hold my arms out. She comes over immediately and hugs me, taking in a deep breath and I hope the smell is something she’ll be able to remember for the rest of her life. Maybe they’ll let me give her one of my shirts I haven’t washed yet. I just want her to have something to remember me by that might make her smile instead of think of all the bad times.
“Hi baby,” I whisper into her ear, hugging her tightly.
“Hi Daddy,” she replies into my chest. I close my eyes for a moment and let myself linger in the sweet sound of her calling me Daddy for what may be the last time. I bite my lip so I don’t cry—she needs me to be strong right now, and that’s how I plan on letting her remember me.
Gracie finally pulls away from me and glances over her shoulder. We both look at Jori, who’s standing on the other side of the table, his hands drumming the back of the chair he’s leaning against as he eyes us hugging each other.
“Hey,” I say, holding out an outstretched hand toward him.
He turns his face away for a moment, grinding his teeth together, before he lets go of the chair and crosses his arms over his shoulder.
A nod is what he gives me in the place of a handshake, and even though it’s not what I wanted, it’s better than nothing.
“Hoyt,” he says, rocking side to side.
I look down at Gracie, who’s stiffened in my arms, and shrug. “Let’s sit down and talk for a bit.”
I reach forward and pull out a chair for her, then take the one next to her. I glance over at Jori and nod at the chair he had been standing behind, but he just scoffs and continues rocking.
“Sit down,” Gracie hisses at him angrily.
He gives her a dirty look but complies, and it makes me chuckle. Big, bad Jori Davidson, who managed to scare most of the adults in his life, listens to the one person he could never say no to.
Which reminds me.
“How are you two getting along these days?” I ask, resting my elbows on the table and looking at Gracie. She’ll tell me the truth, whereas Jori will lie and say what he thinks I want to hear. I didn’t tell Gracie he’s her blood yet, because I’m hoping he’s been man enough to do that himself already.
“Good,” Gracie says with a nod. “Good days, bad days, but mostly good.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” I reply, giving her arm a squeeze. She smiles at me and glances at Jori who’s watching us with contempt. That boy never could learn to love anyone who wasn’t Gracie, and while that should be okay, the way he chooses to love her is not.
“What do you guys like to do together?” I ask, smiling at my baby.
“Fuck,” Jori replies.
Gracie’s mouth drops slightly open as I sit up in my chair and look at him in disbelief. He didn’t tell her.
“Jori if you can’t be a rational adult right now, you can sit there with your mouth shut,” she snaps at him.
I want to get out of my chair and slap him. I want to smash his face against the fucking wall and scream some sense into him, but he’s so far gone at this point that he’ll never see reason. If anything, he just wants to get a rise out of me because he thinks I abandoned him, when that’s far from the truth.
“It’s okay, Gracie,” I say to her quietly, my eyes still on Jori. “He never could understand reason … Always lost in a world of his own and refusing to come out of it.”
Jori arches an eyebrow at me before he turns his face away and laughs.
“And that concludes family time. Come on,” he says, getting to his feet and holding out a hand to Gracie.
“No,” she replies softly. “I’m not leaving until I have to. And neither are you, so please sit back down and just listen, if you can’t participate responsibly. It may answer the question you asked me yesterday.”
Jori looks at her and I can see his eyes starting to water. Whatever this question is must have been of some importance to him if it’s getting that kind of reaction right now.
“Yeah, okay,” he says quietly, sitting back down in the chair. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s alright, son,” I reply evenly.
He cuts his eyes nervously toward Gracie, but she’s too busy picking at her fingernails to notice.
“Wait, I have an idea. Why don’t you two get closer, and I’ll take some pictures,” he says, reaching into his side pocket. I raise an eyebrow and wonder how it’s possible for him to go from such a clusterfuck of a soul to doing something so damn heartwarming.
“Sneak it in, huh?” I ask him with a grin.
Jori shrugs and nods. “Yeah. Fuck it. It’s mine, and they can’t take it away from me. Alright, here we go.”
He gets to his feet as I put an arm around Gracie and pull her close. She rests her head on the side of my face and when Jori tells us to smile, I can hear a small whimper escape her.
“Don’t cry, baby. It’s just how things have to go,” I whisper, giving her arm a squeeze. She reaches up a hand to wipe away her tears before grabbing mine and taking a steadying breath.
“Wow. If only you two knew how much alike you really look,” he remarks, looking at the picture on his phone. “Let’s do another one. Try to smile this time, Red. You grimaced in the last one.”
Gracie laughs despite herself, and takes another breath when Jori tells us to smile.
“Cool,” he says with a nod, looking at the pictures.
“Now you two,” she says, surprising us both by getting to her feet and taking the phone from him.
“Um—”
“Go,” she says, wiping away a tear and giving Jori a gentle shove in my direction.
“It’s alright, baby. He doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to,” I say with a wave.
“No. I really want this picture. I remember how he used to look at you when we were kids, Daddy. He may not be able to admit it now, but you’re still his hero, and I’d like to be able to have a picture of the only two men who ever gave a shit about me together. Now get up and smile.”
With a chuckle, I get to my feet as Jori comes over to stand next to me. “She always this bossy?” I ask him good-naturedly.
“She’s a chick—of course she is,” he replies with a wry smile.
I grin at him and for just the slightest moment, I can see his eyes soften. It doesn’t last longer than a second though, as he coughs and crosses his arms over his chest.
“That’s a shit ton of tattoos,” I remark, still grinning.
“Yeah. I got bored. Alright, look at the tiny chick in the room, she’s waiting on us,” he says, nodding toward Gracie.
“Smile,” she says softly as she holds up his phone. I don’t know what comes over me—if it’s the instinct to be his father for the first time in my life, or just having my only son this close to me, but I reach over and put an arm around his shoulder and smile proudly at Gracie.
Jori stiffens slightly but relaxes under the weight of my hand. At this point, if he tried to resist, I’d probably smack him around. I’m scheduled to die in the morning anyway, so it’s not like I have anything to lose.
Gracie looks down at the phone and smiles, before she wipes away yet another tear and walks toward us.
“Um, you’re the tallest, you do it,” she says, handing me the phone.
“Fuck if I know how to use one of these things, Gracie,” I reply with a nervous laugh.
“Just hold it up, and you see that circle? When we’re all smiling at that little camera hole up there, press it,” she says, wrapping her arms around my waist. I do as I’m told and when Jori leans into the picture stone-faced, Gracie ribs him. He rolls his eyes and sighs but manages to spare a smile for his old man, and I get the picture I’ve been wanting for twenty-seven years.
Me, my daughter, and my son.
Smiling and together without the devil that was Doreen impeding on my chance to be a father to both of them instead of just one.
When I hear the door start to slide open, I quickly shove the phone back to Jori, who slips it into his pocket.
Davis walks in somberly and sighs.
“It’s time to go, kids,” he says to us quietly. “Say your good-byes.”
“Thanks, man,” I say to him. He nods and tells us he’ll be waiting outside the door.
Gracie turns to face me and her face crumples. She immediately begins to sob as she wraps her arms around my shoulders, and I have to take the deepest breath I can muster to hold back my own feelings of regret and sorrow.
“I’m so sorry, Daddy,” she wails into my chest. “It shouldn’t be like this; it shouldn’t!”
Jori reaches over and puts a hand on her shoulder. She turns her face slightly to look at him, and I can see the weight of the world crushing his soul right now.
“I’ll take care of it,” he says to her softly. Jori reaches for Gracie, takes her face in his hands, and looks at her for a moment before he leans down and kisses her. But it’s not the way a brother should kiss his sister, and it makes me so sick to my fucking stomach right now.
And even still, if he’s gonna do what I think he’s gonna do, I won’t allow it to happen.
“Take her and go. I’ll be okay,” I say, pulling Gracie’s arms away from me and handing her over to Jori. He looks over at me in disbelief, his lower lip trembling, and sadness in his eyes.
“Hoyt—” he says, shaking his head.
“Take care of my Gracie for me. I never got the chance to, and I’m asking you to do that as a favor for me,” I say, shaking my head and putting my hands on my hips. “You kids get out of here. I’ll see you tomorrow, and then who knows when.”
Gracie is a sobbing mess in her brother’s arms, and he does the one thing I wanted from the moment I walked in. Jori looks at me, extends his hand, and takes mine firmly in his.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly as a tear spills down his cheek.
“Time’s up,” Davis calls from the doorway.
I smile at them as best I can, and watch as he leads her to the door. Once they disappear, I collapse into my chair and begin to cry.
I failed her again.
I should have told her Jori isn’t the man she should end up with, but I just couldn’t crush her again.
I’ve done that enough.