The Long Road Home
Present Day
“You okay?”
Jori squeezes my hand reassuringly and I sigh. It’s a question I have to analyze over and over again, because I honestly don’t know how to answer it. Hoyt is dead for a crime he didn’t commit, and we’re on our way back to Harpers Ferry like it’s just another fucking day.
“I don’t know,” I reply quietly. I lean my forehead against the cool glass of the window and watch Ossining go by in a blur of emotion and dead hopes. I’ll come back for his ashes, but for now, I have to get out of this godforsaken fucking town. I take a deep breath of the white shirt that still bears his scent, and gently rub it against my nose, before I lower it back to my lap.
Hoyt’s death had no effect on Jori, other than a few shed tears, a sniffle, and a complete disregard for what we were watching. Once Hoyt’s chest finally became dormant, Jori put an arm around me and held me close while I sobbed. To be honest, I don’t think I was crying for the man on the table, but rather for the man who did his best in a failed attempt to provide a stable home in a horribly turbulent environment.
My father died a long time ago, so I can’t really say I knew the man who gasped his last breaths in front of our eyes.
Maybe it will all make sense one day, for now, it’s just another dead relative in a world they never had a chance in.
“Have you decided yet?” he asks me softly.
I can tell by the tone of his voice that he knows that now isn’t the time to ask me this question, yet he needs the answer as much as I do.
“Can we talk about this when we get home, please?” I ask, glancing at him tiredly.
Jori nods as he lifts my hand to his lips and kisses it so gently that a shiver runs through my body. He clears his throat as he lowers my hand back down and shifts uncomfortably in his seat. I watch him curiously as he steals a glance in the rear-view mirror, before squeezing my hand again.
He still thinks he has secrets he’s keeping from me—that if, or when, he decides to tell me what really happened to Doreen, it will be a deal breaker—but he doesn’t know that I was there that night. Watching him in amazement, wonder, and all of the beautiful and ugly things I shouldn’t have felt while he beat the life out of her.
I sigh as I think of how I snuck out of Uncle Jake’s house when I was sure he had finally gone to sleep. I opened the window and climbed down, using the tree that sat just outside of it like Jori had taught me to do so many times before.
I ran all the way home, barefoot and carefree, because I would be with my daddy that night and not have to worry about anyone touching me in any way they had no right to. And I just knew in my heart that Jori would come get me like he always did—a young, cold-hearted knight in shining armor that only ever saw hope when he looked into my eyes.
He’s fidgeting in his chair next to me, which makes me a little concerned about getting back to Harpers Ferry in one piece.
“Pull over at the next rest area,” I say tiredly. No more games, no more secrets, and no more hiding things that have come to light so many years ago. We’re going to have it out, and maybe then I’ll know what the fuck I want to do with this.
“You gotta go?” he asks with a nervous smile.
“Something like that,” I reply, squeezing his hand.
Jori nods and clears his throat as he drives. Another twenty miles pass before I point out a sign and he switches lanes. A few moments later, he’s pulling into an empty spot in front of a small, brick building, and I pull my hand away from him.
“Get out of the car,” I tell him softly as I push my door open and step out. I stole a glance at his face as I exited, and the look of confusion is as prominent now he’s walking around toward me as it was at my request.
“May I have the keys please?” I ask, holding out a hand.
“Why?” he asks, furrowing his brow.
“Because I want you to listen to me, Jori,” I reply simply.
He lets out a laugh as he crosses his arms over his chest, and clutches the keys tightly in his hand. “Nah. I don’t think I’m going to wanna hear what you have to say.”
“What have I ever asked you for?” I say to him. shaking my head. “I won’t say what I have to until you give me those keys and you can wander around the rest of your life wondering what I could have said to you today, instead of what I did.”
He shakes his head as he gives in and hands me the keys. Jori leans on the hood of the car and slides his hands in his pocket before he shrugs. “Okay, so what’s the fucking problem, Red?”
I put my hands on my hips, the keys dangling from my partially closed fist, and tilt my head.
“Are we done playing this damn game now? We got what we wanted, didn’t we?” I ask him tiredly. I have a headache that’s growing by the second, and it’s due to nothing more than the angry little boy sitting in front of me, instead of the man I know is inside somewhere.
“What are you talking about?” he asks gruffly before spitting on the pavement.
“Do you have anything you need to tell me?” I shoot back at him evenly.
“No.”
“You’re lying,” I reply through gritted teeth. “I’m not a fucking child anymore, so stop trying to protect me, and just tell me the truth.”
He clenches his teeth and his jaw squares tightly. His eyebrows are arched, but his face is overshadowed by anger and I know he’s trying his hardest to stay calm.
“Get angry!” I shout at him, lifting my arms in the air. “If that’s what it fucking takes for you to tell me what you think I don’t already know, then get angry!”
“Lower your fucking voice, Gracie,” he commands through gritted teeth. He puts the emphasis on my name to let me know this is a situation he’s trying to defuse before he loses his shit, but I want him to. I want him to get so angry he can’t stand it, because that’s when he’s at his most honest.
“Tell me what happened to Doreen,” I say, crossing my arms again. “And tell me the truth.”
Jori scoffs and looks away for a moment before he gets to his feet. “Alright. You wanna know what happened to Doreen? She got her fucking skull caved in. She didn’t even see it coming, and she probably choked to death on her own fucking blood, and I don’t give one good goddamn that she’s dead,” he finishes with a shout.
A young couple walking by with two small children eye us warily, and Jori turns his face toward the sky. I can tell he wants to keep going, and while I want nothing more than to hear him out right now, I don’t want anyone else to.
“Hold on,” I say to him quietly. “Can we help you?” The young man puts his arms around his gal and pulls her along, as she pushes the kids ahead. “Fucking nosy bastards,” I mutter, keeping my eyes on them until they get into their car and back out. Once their car is driving away back toward the freeway, I turn my attention back to Jori and nod.
“Hoyt didn’t kill her. I did,” he says quietly, giving me a level stare.
“I know.”
Jori blinks rapidly a few times and his gaze turns from hard to confused He shakes his head and walks slowly in a circle, before he bends over and grips his knees with his hands.
“What did you say?” he asks shakily.
“I said, I know,” I repeat. Jori looks up at me and stands to his full height, his lower lip trembling dangerously. His eyes are brimming with tears, but for which emotion, I’m not sure.
“How?”
“Sit down, I want to tell you a story,” I say quietly. He turns around and walks two steps back toward his car before he props himself back up on the hood again. I chew the inside of my cheek before I run a hand back through my hair and look him in the eye. “The night Doreen died, Hoyt had dropped me off at Millie’s. You weren’t home yet, and she took the opportunity to browbeat me into leaving. I went to Jake’s, because that was the only place close enough for me to get to at the time. Anyway,” I say with a sigh, “I could tell he was gonna start with his handsy bullshit at some point, so I barricaded myself in his room when I was given the chance. I waited until he fell asleep, and then I climbed out the window like you taught me to.” I walk over and scoot him to the side so that I can sit next to him. “I ran all the way home. I was so happy because I would be in the same house with Hoyt, and I knew you’d come get me at some point, and we’d go off into the tree house and sleep like we always used to, you know? I crept up to my room while they were arguing, and I think I fell asleep at some point because I remember jumping at the sound of Hoyt’s voice. He was yelling in a panic, and I crept down the stairs to see what the hell was going on. That’s when I saw you,” I say quietly, a sad smile on my face. “I saw Hoyt shaking you, asking you what you had done, and then telling you to leave. I know you killed Doreen, because Hoyt told me as much that night, but I guess I just didn’t care, because the nightmare was finally over, you know?”
“Wow,” he says, still looking down at his feet. He shifts for a moment to cross his legs, and I lean my head on his shoulder. His way of calming me down is a gentle kiss and a soft touch; my way of calming him down is by placing my head on his shoulder. It’s a small gesture to let him know I still care about him no matter what, and it’s usually well received.
“So as you can see, nothing you have to tell me will make me turn away from you. I just don’t like the secrets and the lies.” I finish with a shrug. “We’re better than that.”
“What did you mean when you said we got what we wanted?” he asks, turning his head toward me. His lips graze my forehead and I close my eyes to take in the moment, before I get to my feet and drape my arms around his shoulders.
“Doreen is dead. Jake is dead. Millie is dead. Hoyt’s dead too, and even though he really didn’t deserve it, he kind of did for picking one of us over the other. If you think about it, it’s kind of like checking off items on a grocery list—even though you insisted we don’t have one—and because they’re dead, we finally get to live.”
“How?” he asks, putting his hands on my forearms.
“Together,” I reply in confusion.
“Together, how?” he presses, moving his lips to my hand. “You still haven’t given me a solid answer on that.”
I smile and lean close enough to feel his breath on my face. He closes his eyes and turns his head so his lips are now on the side of my face, and I suddenly find myself wondering what the world will think of us.
A pair of sinners bound by blood, hiding in plain sight from a wicked world that doesn’t deserve something as pure as what we have. Wrong or right, this is the man I love, and there’s no one left to stand in our way.
I’ll grieve my father for a few more days, and I’ll put his ashes on a mantle in the living room, but other than that, I have everything I could ever want, and it’s hidden behind the eyes of the man with the beautiful, bitter blue eyes that only ever wanted someone to love him.
And he chose me.