Katy
‘I can’t believe it’s straight back on the road, I’m knackered.’ I complain, my eyes heavy and sore.
‘Well, maybe if you hadn’t been brawling you’d have more energy,’ Felix fires back. Smart arse.
‘So, it’s five pm and the route planner says three and a half hours travelling so we’d better get on our way. I’ll start driving and you have a nap. Then you can take over halfway.’
‘Sounds good,’ I tell him. After the drama of earlier I’m in no great rush to get behind the wheel again.
‘What are we going to do about food?’ He asks me. God, men, all they think about is either their stomachs or their dicks.
‘No idea. Needs to be cheap.’ I bite my lip while I think. ‘I know, lets pop into a supermarket when we get a bit nearer and raid the reduced section.’
‘Bargain old food it is. I can hardly wait.’ Felix moans as we get into the car and he starts driving.
Of course, what we had not factored into the journey is tea-time traffic. In an hour we’ve moved what the Sat Nav estimated would take fifteen minutes. I now wish I’d not drunk a bottle full of water after my interview. It wasn’t my fault my throat was so dry. It was the interview and then trying to get away from the stupid McFlurry stealing bitch.
Needless to say, I won’t be accepting a job there should they offer me one, which they won’t because I may have been dragged out of the room by Felix when Mrs Amble said everything could be settled by my apologising to her daughter. For which I shouted I would not be apologising to a McFlurry stealing brat, and I hoped that she was better at controlling schoolchildren than she was her daughter. Oops.
Mrs Amble was about ready to grab my hair for insulting her and her delightful daughter when Felix came in and daughter dearest said the ice-cream on his jacket was hers and proceeded to try to lick it off. At which point her mother dragged her off while Felix got hold of me. We left in haste.
Now we’re stuck in a traffic jam when I’d asked Felix if we could nip down to the coast and enjoy an ice-cream beforehand. But oh no, "We need to be on our way”, he’d said, so now here we were, stuck in my car: no ice-cream, no beach, and with my desperate need to piss.
‘I need to pee,’ I tell him.
He turns to me. ‘Well, we’re nose to tail. Why don’t you nip out and go behind the bushes? I won’t have gone far.’
‘I am not peeing behind bushes! And anyway, what if the traffic clears and then I’m stuck out here while you’ve gone off in my car? Or what if a bee stings my arse cheek?’
Flashbacks of Charlotte Jensen’s sixteenth birthday play back in my mind. That damn bee. I couldn’t sit down for a week.
‘Don’t be stupid, Katy.’ He looks at me with furrowed brows. ‘Oh God, it happened didn’t it? Only to you. It could happen only to you.’
‘It wasn’t my fault, it was Victoria’s.’ I huff. ‘She hit it with a stick while I was at a swimming pool party. It flew around and stung my bum. Then it died, so I felt really sad while Vic laughed that it had been so scared of my bottom it had died of fright.’
I could tell that Felix was trying very hard not to burst out laughing. Bastard. ‘How old were you when this happened?’
‘Fifteen. And I will never pee in the open air because of it.’ I cross my arms over my chest so he knows I mean it.
‘Well, I don’t know what else we’ll pass, but there are some services in two hours. Well, two hours plus traffic jam time.’
‘TWO HOURS! I can’t wait another two minutes.’ My bladder is so bursting full it feels like it's going to split in two at any moment.
‘Grass it is then.’ He nods towards the bank in challenge. ‘Look, I’ll pull in to a layby when we get to one and you can use the car as cover.’
I pick up my water bottle. ‘Do you think I could get it in here?’ I ponder. God, guys have it so much easier with their dicks. ‘No, that’s disgusting. I can’t do it.’
‘It’s not a fucking SHEWEE, but stop being so goddamn uptight woman. If you need to piss, get it in the bottle. Pretend I’m a doctor and I’ve asked you to provide a urine specimen.’
I huff, ‘Definitely can’t do it now. You made me remember that when I do wee samples, I get wee all over my hands.’
‘God help me,’ Felix says, looking up at the roof of the car.
After another thirty excruciating minutes, Felix pulls into a layby. My hesitancy about peeing in the grass has worn off due to the fact that I’m afraid that I’ll explode and cover Felix and my car interior in a golden shower at any moment.
I dash into the grass, lowering my pants down as I hover. My stream starts with a gush. Boy, I really did need to wee, and the feeling is akin to an intense orgasm. It’s that good. Not that I’ve had too many with Dick.
It's then I hear the buzzing. What the fuck? My luck can’t be that bad, right? I must be having some kind of panic-induced flashback instead.
I grab my knickers and drag them up quickly anyway, but it's as the material touches my skin that I feel the piercing sting. Motherfucker!
‘Ouch, fucking ouch. Oh my God,’ I scream, pulling my knickers down to find a dying bee. Well that’s what you get when you go around stinging innocent victims arses. God, the pain throbs uncontrollably. I run for the car leaving my pants in my wake.
‘What the fuck is the matter with you now?’ Felix asks, shaking his head as I run towards him. ‘I know you’re desperate for me but running towards me knicker-less is a tad desperate.’
‘Shut up, you dickhead! I’ve been stung on my arse again. Felix, help me, it burns.’ I shriek as I catch up to the side of the car.
‘You will not have been stung, you’re just panicking.’ He says, as tears fall down my face.
‘I have. Felix it really hurts. The sting is probably still in it. You’re going to have to look and take it out.’
His jaw drops. ‘You want me to look at your naked ass in a layby on the A17? We’re not going to make tomorrow’s interviews, we’re going to be arrested!’
Hearty tears now pour down my cheeks and drip off my chin. ‘I’ve never been so embarrassed in my whole life. Oh, I want to die.’ I wail dramatically.
‘Now, come on, Katy.’ Felix pats me on the shoulder. ‘It’s not that bad. Come on then, let me take a look. You are not going to die.’
‘I am going to die.’ I state. ‘Of embarrassment.’
He looks at me sternly. ‘Katy, I work with teenagers; I’ve seen worse things than your naked bum, let me tell you.’
‘That would help,’ I sniffle.
‘What would?’
‘Tell me about one of the much worse things you’ve seen while you check my bottom.’
Felix takes his wallet from his pocket and I watch as he lifts out a condom.
‘What the fuck are you doing?’ I shout. ‘You don’t need a condom to look at my bum. Are you trying to take advantage of me?’
He slips the condom back in his wallet and takes out a credit card. ‘I’m moving it, so I can get to this card, which I need to help me take out the sting.’ His eyes narrow. ‘I don’t need to take advantage of you. Women beg me to bed them. I don’t have to attack them. I’m not a fucking rapist.’
‘I’m sorry, I panicked. Please, Felix, can you look at my bum?’
A sentence I never thought I’d say.
Felix uses the car door to shield me a little and then yanks me hastily over his knee. He takes the hem of my skirt and lifts it up. I hear the intake of breath.
‘Shit, you have been stung.’
‘No shit, Sherlock.’ I shout in frustration. I cannot believe he’s looking at my bare arse right now. This is too cringy.
‘You can be a real moody cow; do you know that?’ He tells me, giving my pain free arse cheek a little slap. ‘Bad girl.’
I yelp. ‘I swear to fucking God, Felix! Try that again and I’ll fucking kill you in your sleep!’
‘Okay, okay.’
He gets the sting out using his card, which is obviously his revenge for my mood. Tears spring back into my eyes, but it already feels a bit better.
‘All done,’ he says clapping his hands together. ‘We’ll get some antiseptic ointment when we get to the supermarket. It’s a little swollen but hopefully it’ll go down in a few hours.’
We get back in the car. I have to face the journey sat in a weird side on position as it's too painful to sit on my butt. I end up with a cramped neck. We eventually get to a supermarket after two and a bit hours and Felix, determined to drive all the way because of my “disability”, insists we go to get food, drink, and cream.
‘Found it,’ he says, holding the antiseptic cream up for me. ‘Now Dr Montague says to bend over while I apply it.’
I grab the tube off him. ‘In your fucking dreams. I can do it myself. That will be the first and last time you see my arse.’
We load up on reduced price sandwiches, cheap crisps, drinks, and a couple of reduced pastries. Once we’ve paid, I take my antiseptic cream and call into the supermarket toilets to freshen up. I use my handbag mirror to check out the swollen lump on my ass cheek. Talk about sexy. Only then I remember, I don’t need to be sexy. I’m with the manwhore. I need to repel him. Showing him my arse probably wasn’t the best way to communicate that.
On the way out, I buy insect repellent to keep bees away from my body and hope it has the extra special effect to stop Felix from bugging me.
* * *
We eventually arrive at a budget hotel at quarter past ten. This has been a long-arsed trip, well, actually a swollen-arsed trip. We arrive at the reception and ask for a twin room.
‘We only have one double room left. There’s been a convention nearby,’ the woman says, uninterested, not even making eye contact.
Felix takes over. ‘That’s fine, we’ll take it.’ He looks at me, ‘Got a problem with that, sweetheart?’
I shake my head, ‘No, honeybun.’
When we get in the room and dump our belongings, I turn to him with a hand on my hip. I need to be strong and firm about this. Kind of like his biceps. No Katy, don’t get distracted.
‘So, what are the sleeping arrangements? Because there’s no way I’m sharing a bed with a manwhore.’
He rolls his eyes before dropping down backwards onto the bed. ‘Sleep in the car then.’
‘Pardon?’
He fixes me with a death glare. ‘Sleep. In. The. Car.’
‘I heard what you said. I just can’t believe you’d suggest that. What a gentleman. I thought you’d offer to sleep on the couch. That’s what you said before.’
‘But I’m not a gentleman, am I?’ He spits out. ‘As you keep saying, I’m a manwhore. So maybe you’d be safer locked in your car, so I don’t come over all amorous in the night and shag you senseless.’ He points to the couch. ‘And my six-foot body does not fit on that. I’m sleeping in the bed.’
‘But that’s not fair!’ I whine. I would have thought he’d have taken pity on me, what with my arse injury.
‘There’s room for two. We can stick to our own sides. I don’t see the problem.’
‘Well, I’ll take the couch.’ I grumble. Rather that than give him the wrong idea.
I start to unpack my things, laying my interview outfit over the back of the wardrobe door.
‘I’ll have to get my suit dry cleaned,’ he grumbles, looking at the ice-cream stain. ‘I hope they can get it done for the morning.’ He picks up the telephone and calls reception. After making his request, his face darkens, ‘You can’t? Four pm cut off? Okay, thanks anyway.’ He puts down the phone. ‘Fuck. They can’t do it.’
‘Hey, give it here and I’ll sponge it off for you.’ I offer. ‘I was always cleaning up after Dick.’
Felix snorts.
I narrow my eyes, ‘I can always withdraw my offer.’
‘No, please. Try to get the stain out. It doesn’t give a great first impression to arrive with a white stain on your jacket.’
‘Could have been worse, could have been on your trousers,’ I quip.
‘Except I also clean up after my dick,’ He quips back.
I walk into the bathroom shaking my head.
When I get in there, I realise I’ve offered to miraculously clean his clothes when I have no wash powder, fabric conditioner, or a washing machine. Instead, I get my bath sponge from my wash bag, apply a little strawberry shortcake shower gel and rub at the offending article. It seems to do the trick. I gently rinse off the soap and then having rinsed out and squeezed my sponge I give it another last gentle rub and hang it over the shower curtain rail.
I come out of the bathroom looking triumphant. ‘All sorted.’ I tell him.
He smiles back gratefully. ‘Thanks.’
I stare at the clock. It’s now eleven pm, but I’m not the slightest bit tired and in fact, having been cooped up in the car most of the day I actually want to go outside.
‘Shall we go have a wander around York centre?’ I ask Felix. ‘I know the bars are closed but we could get some fresh air and wander down the cobbles.’
‘Why not?’ he says with a casual shrug. ‘I’ll just change into something more comfortable.’ He strips off in front of my eyes down to his boxer shorts in what feels like milliseconds. The bloke just does not give a shit. I would have excused myself and gone to the bathroom but oh no, not the manwhore. I find my eyes keep looking at his toned biceps, those broad shoulders, and that 'v' that dips into his boxers. Damn, that man is sexy.
I look for the rumoured snake tattoo and instead just find a British Bulldog. It's… well it's cute. Hardly the sexy snake I was imagining though.
‘I like your tattoo,’ I say, to cover up staring at him as he shrugs on some jeans and a tee.
‘Thanks. It was a dare when I was eighteen. Right, I’m ready.’
I realise that I stood watching him dress when I should have been getting changed myself. I head to the bathroom and also put on jeans and a tee.
‘Let’s go.’
We reach the centre and stroll around looking in the shop windows and feeling sad that we’ve missed out on an alcoholic beverage. We walk down the length of The Shambles, admiring the cobbled streets and I window shop a little. When we reach the bottom, there’s a crowd of people gathered.
‘What’s happening?’ I ask Felix, my eyes wide with interest.
‘Erm.’ He places his fingers to his temples, ‘nope, my psychic abilities have switched off. Damn the fuckers, how embarrassing.’
This man is bloody infuriating. I’m beginning to think begging Dick to take me back would be preferable to Felix-torture. Maybe I could enter a polyamorous relationship with Dick and Vic? Right, now I feel sick. God, I’m a poet and I didn’t know it.
I decide to embrace my new ‘me’ and head toward the crowd. I’m getting brave, or stupid. Let’s go with brave.
‘What are you doing?’ Shouts Felix to my back.
‘Daring myself to be brave.’ I shout back.
When I get to the crowd, there’s a bloke dressed in olden day clothing. ‘Cutting it fine, love. You wanting to join the tour? It’s only a fiver.’
‘What tour?’ I ask him.
‘The ghost tour.’ He looks at me strangely.
Felix hands over a tenner. ‘Yep, that’s for the two of us.’ Then he stands at the back.
I walk over to him. ‘What are you doing? We’re on a budget here.’
‘We need to make sure that while we budget, we also have some fun, otherwise this is going to be a bloody long week. I can’t expect you to get your arse cheek stung every night for my entertainment.’
I thump his arm.
‘Violence.’ He shouts out. ‘Help me everyone, she’s always hitting me.’
‘Shut up. Oh my God.’ I look at the faces around me, some foreheads furrowing. ‘He’s joking. He has a stupid sense of humour.’ We start walking along.
The supposed ghost tour turns out to be a history lesson: a long-arsed, boring as fuck history lesson. ‘We could have bought wine, and shared chips,’ I torment Felix. ‘Instead, I’m bored shitless.’
‘That so? Then I think it’s time for a dare,’ says Felix, a mischievous glint in his eye just visible from the street lights.
‘Bring it.’
He whispers in my ear.
‘Love it.’ I tell him and then I instruct him on what we’re doing after the dare.
The tour guide takes us to a particularly dark corner with some derelict houses and weaves a tale about hauntings and ghost sightings.
I walk over to an emo guy who looks to be in his twenties. He nods at me as I stand next to him.
‘You can see me?’ I say in pretend shock.
‘Y-yes. Why would I not see you?’ He asks me in confusion.
I turn to the others and shout out. ‘Can you all see me? I’m a ghost. Can you all hear me?’ Then I emit an ear-piercing scream that none of them were expecting. Several members of the crowd emit their own screams.
I cackle with laughter just before me and Felix leg it down one of the side roads leaving the rest of them to their boring tour.
‘That was epic,’ Felix laughs. ‘Well played.’
‘Yeah, well tonight I say fuck it,’ I tell him. ‘After that crap I need a beer. Let’s head into Tesco Metro and treat ourselves to the cheapest shit they have.’
* * *
We change into our pjs as soon as we get back to the hotel. I go into the bathroom again to save my modesty. I leave on my bra and have on long-sleeved and long-legged pyjamas that keep me well covered up.
On exit I find Felix has left on his t-shirt and changed into some joggers. We enjoy our beers and finally the day catches up and tiredness hits.
‘It’s okay for you to share the bed, seriously.’ Felix offers.
‘I’m fine over here.’ I say from the couch.
Drinks drunk, teeth brushed, I lie on the sofa with an extra duvet from the wardrobe over myself and a spare pillow beneath my head.
‘Night, Kitty Kat,’ says Felix. ‘It was actually cool to have some company today, even if we didn’t get a job from it.’
Is he giving me a compliment?
‘We have tomorrow,’ I tell him. ‘I think tomorrow will be better.’
Sometimes I should shut the fuck up.