Everything’s gone to shit. Utter and complete garbage. Not this morning’s events leading up until the hot steamy shower sex. No, that was fab.

It all went to hell when Michelle waltzed into Grant’s condo unannounced making me wonder how the hell she got in. Did I mention I was topless?

“Cover up kids. We have some press to wrangle.”

Rylan comes running in after her out of breath. Thank god I threw a top on seconds before. “I tried to stop her at the elevator but she’s like a fucking Ostrich.”

“Excuse me? Why would you compare me to an Ostrich you asshole?”

“Because they’re the fastest bird in the world.” Rylan says like it’s common knowledge and plops himself down on the couch.

“Mich.” If looks could kill, Grants would have her dead as a door nail. “Get out. I told you I’d take care of it and I will. Leave us the fuck alone.”

“I had to make sure you don’t damage my image, and I heard you’re going with the tired old PA routine. So, I’m here to play the doting fiancé.”

“Fiancé?” I choke out.

“Grant here didn’t tell you we were engaged before he broke up with me?”

“You mean before you slept with Randy behind my back?”

“Semantics. I have my ring.” She lifts her finger for good measure. “Let’s get this show on the road love bug.”

“I’m just gonna, go find something to do.” Seeing her ring is like an out of body experience and I just need to leave, maybe go to Alaska until this all blows over. As I go to walk away Michelle calls me back.

“No, we need you with us to make the story plausible. Unless you want me to tell people you’re a homewrecking whore?” Her smile is so at ease when she’s being a total bitch face.

“Michelle, do not fucking disrespect Agnes, especially in my home. Get the hell out. I said we’ve got this. We’ve. Got. This.”

Rylan gets off the couch and makes his way towards Michelle. “It’s been lovely but it’s time for you to go.”

“Fine.” She seethes. “But one fuck up and I’m right around the corner. Remember that.” She storms out the door and thankfully farther away from us.

Rylan looks back to me and Grant. “Good luck kids. I’ll be watching with some popcorn.” He smiles then leaves slamming the door behind him.

“She’s just… peachy.” I say.

“I can’t do this. I’m telling the press the truth, we can’t live like this.”

I pull his arm and have him sit on the couch before he goes nuclear. “You never told me what happens if you don’t go along with everything.”

“If I don’t keep up this stupid fucking charade until after the baby’s born…” He sighs and runs his hands down his face. “She gets half of my restaurants.”

“WHAT?” I jump up off the couch.

It hadn’t occurred to me how severe this situation could be for him. Half his business? Now, I don’t know how much they’re worth, but my guess is a butt load. Six butt loads!

“Maybe we should stop seeing each other until after the baby’s born. It’s only a few months. And what happens after the baby’s here? Is she just gonna come out and say hey! I was just kidding!”

He launches off the couch and has me in his arms. “Don’t say that Aggie. Don’t run away from me when I just got you.”

“I don’t want to slip up and make you lose everything.” I whisper.

“We’ll be careful. There will be no slip ups if we’re being mindful of it. Like you said, it’s only a few months then I can parade you around for the whole world to see.”

That makes me smile. The thought of us out in public doing couple-y things. Getting ice cream at a corner shop or going to the farmer’s market on Saturdays.

“It won’t be that long. And we can still be us behind closed doors. There’s absolutely nothing in the contract about what happens after the baby’s born so once she pops that kid out I’m coming clean.”

“We can totally do this behind closed doors.”

“And in the car.” He gets a dark look in his eyes. No doubt remembering my mouth on his cock in the backseat of his car.

“Definitely in the car.” I repeat.

Now it’s several hours later. We’ve already met with the press where surprise, surprise. Michelle showed up anyways and hijacked the whole thing.

And guess what?  She told the entire world I was a lesbian!

Said she had no concern over anything going on between Grant and me. She explained the kiss away by simply saying I’m an overly affectionate person.

Grant looked like he was about to have a meltdown. But in my head, I set out to be the best lesbian the press has ever seen. The way I look at it, playing my part should take the heat off our relationship and give us a little more alone time. Win, win.

Let’s get one thing straight though. I will not go to the lengths of dating a woman or do anything lesbi-honest. I don’t have a problem with those that do, I’m just a straight gal. As you now know, I like the Big D.

I’m not sure how to act like a believable lesbian, but I’ll do it. According to Google, if I talk about power tools and stop shaving my legs the vibe will come off me in waves. I’m not really one and I take offense to these articles. They’re probably written by a man with an ideal stereotype in their head. With their mode of thinking all I’ll have to do is add some plaid to my wardrobe. I’m internally rolling my eyes but seriously thinking on the power tools thing.

When the media spectacle ended, we were walking away and I yelled out “Where’s my socket wrench?” I saw some a-ha looks on some photographer’s faces… the seed was planted. Or I’m just making this all up in my head because who the hell cares about the lowly PA?

Once we were a safe distance away from the media frenzy, Grant set in on Michelle.

“What the fuck was that Mich?”

“I need to make sure you understand who you’re messing with. I’m not joking around Grant.”

“Neither am I. I’ll find a way out of this sooner rather than later. You better start thinking up what you’re gonna tell people when they find out you’re a cold-hearted cunt.”

She mock gasps. “Is Grant Donovan finally getting a backbone?” She sidles up to him and runs her finger down his chest. “If I knew you could be this dominant I would have kept you around. I love a strong man in the bedroom, just ask Randy.” She smiles then exits the building.

“FUCK!”

“It’s going to be okay.”

“Is it Aggie? The whole world thinks you eat pussy and I’m about to be a father with a woman I despise. Are you really okay with that?”

“I’ll have to be, won’t I? Don’t you know how far gone I am for you? I just talked to them about socket wrenches to drive it home. I did it for you.”

“I don’t deserve you baby.”

“Stop saying that. You sure do, every lesbian piece of me.” I smile up at him.

One crisis over… then of course comes the next issue.

The calls started coming in. Everyone a different woman saying they saw me on TV and wanted to take me out. I told them I was flattered, but I was in a loving relationship with my high school sweetheart Jill. I can use her if I need to drive the lesbian angle home, and now I have a metaphorical beard. You know, someone to hide behind.

Currently, I’m at the store picking out my new cell phone with Grant. He insisted I couldn’t continue with how many calls I was receiving and he was pretty sure Michelle was the culprit behind my number being leaked.

“I’ll pay you back with my first paycheck.” I nod my head.

“You will do no such thing. I’m buying it and you’re on my plan now. This is my fault, I owe you. Deal with it.” He kisses my nose. I quickly search the store as paranoia takes over.

“Dude, ease up on the Rudolph kisses. Someone could see.”

“This is going to be harder than I thought.” He grumbles taking a step away from me.

This is us for the next however many months until the baby’s born. But I don’t need the worlds acknowledgement of our relationship. Just Grant and his love. It’s more than enough… for now.

I’ll play my part so I can be with him. If only in secret.

You know what? If I were an honest to goodness lesbian, I think I’d be a lipstick lesbian. I can afford it now!