Blog #732

Earlier in class, I had a one-on-one with a professor, and she asked me why I’ve stopped drawing shoujo. Apparently, she’s seen my one-and-only published work, and she believes it’s really good.

I know the easy answer to it would be that I’ve outgrown the genre. Shoujo is more for teenage girls, and I’m way past that. I’m old enough to drink, which firmly puts me in josei territory.

So…nuff said, right?

If only.

I suppose I could have also told her the bull I used to feed myself with. I’m so broken I can’t write about true love anymore. I fell for a boy, and he left me. But I couldn’t do that either. That only worked when I didn’t know the truth. The boy I loved didn’t leave me. I drove him away.

So…knowing that, you’d think it would magically cure all my problems.

But it didn’t.

And since my professor looked like she was willing to wait forever until I gave her an answer---

It took a really, really long time to figure things out.

But eventually, I got it.

In the world of shoujo, romantic love is the ultimate goal. Its heroes and heroines do everything just to stay together. In shoujo, even honest-to-goodness full-blooded siblings end up together, and readers actually end up cheering for them despite the incest.

And honestly, I don’t have a problem with any of that. But I’m also not the girl I used to be. Life’s changed me. Knowing how short it is, seeing how my mom has to fight to live – it all changed me. And that’s why I can’t draw shoujo anymore, I think. Because if God asks me to choose between a happy-ever-after with the boy I love and a longer life for my mom---

I’d choose my mom in a heartbeat.

I’d choose her, always.

I wouldn’t be me – wouldn’t be the girl he loved – if I didn’t.

* * *

Shrines in Tokyo are as ubiquitous as your local 7-11. There’s almost always one around the corner, and my neighborhood in Shinjuku isn’t different. The local shrine is about eighty years old, which – believe it or not – is considered fairly new compared to most other shrines in Japan. The first time I came here, Vivi was with me, and she nearly died laughing when I drank the water from the purification fountain.

Back then, I had prayed for strength.

Today isn’t any different. I still need strength, but I also need to beg for forgiveness. I forgot myself, got greedy, and now I’m paying the price.

After dropping several hundred-yen coins into the donation box, I take one of the ema tablets hanging from the wooden display board. Ema literally means ‘picture of a horse,’ although these days the small wooden plaque can sport all sorts of images, ranging from the current year’s zodiac sign to even cute Rilakkuma ones.

It takes a while to write down my wish at the back of the tablet. I’m doing my best to write everything in Kanji without getting help from my dictionary app. Hopefully, it would score me a couple of brownie points with the gods, which I’m badly in need of.

When I’m done, I move to the other board where all the written wishes are on display. As I hang mine on a vacant hook, another person comes up from behind me, and I move to the side, thinking it’s a local devotee.

“Momo said I’d find you here.”

My heart jumps as I whirl around. “Yuki.” I used to call him a ninja god because of how stealthy he is, and that part of him obviously hasn’t changed. “You scared me to death.” As always, he’s a sight for sore eyes, but it’s also one of those instances when he makes my heart ache.

Yuki’s face remains unsmiling.

As always, I can’t help thinking, because yesterday’s events still has me feeling a little raw.

“What are you doing here?” Yuki seems to be speaking between clenched teeth.

Whoa. I finally notice the nearly violent look in his eyes, and I blurt out, “Are you mad?” Again, I almost add, but I manage not to. No point rubbing salt on the wound, especially when it’s my wound and not his.

“You truly have to ask?” he snarls.

“Umm, yes, I think I should because I have no idea why you’d---” And then it hits me. The way he keeps asking me what I’m doing visiting a shrine on a weekday, and that look in his eyes…

He’s looking at me like he’s watching me drown myself, and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t save me.

My stomach starts cramping again, but it’s a bittersweet kind of pain. “Yuki---” I unthinkingly reach out for him, but he stiffens, and I have to swallow my disappointment as I let my arm fall back against my side. One at a time, KC. You can’t have everything in one go.

“You still haven’t answered my question.” Yuki’s tone is harsh, and my stomach cramps harder at the sound.

“It’s not what you think,” I say gently. “I only have afternoon classes. So, no, you didn’t make me skip school or anything.” It was what I once did, just to show up for a job interview, back when I was scrambling for ways to make money so I could be of help to him. I also got caught, and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back for my parents. It must also have done the same thing for Yuki, now that I think of it, since he stopped taking my calls after that.

When Yuki doesn’t speak, I say more insistently, “I’ve changed. I know you have a hard time believing me, but so many things have happened since then. I’ve grown up. I’ve learned my lesson. And I can promise you---” I give him a tentative smile as I cross my heart. “I’m not going to self-destruct just because things don’t turn out the way I want to.”

He still doesn’t speak, but the way his body gradually relaxes tells me that my words have gotten through. It’s another bittersweet sight, and now it’s just not my stomach cramping. My heart joins in the torture this time, aching in a way that makes me want to grip my chest.

Be still, my heart. Be really still before you make me cry.

I can’t stop thinking of how he looked at me, can’t stop thinking of how helpless I made him feel every time he saw me fall apart. God, I was such an idiot. All those times that I thought I was trying to save him, and I couldn’t see the woods for the trees until it was too late---

And he had no choice but to leave me.

“I know it’s a little too late,” I say jerkily, “but I want to say sorry again about how I made you feel in the past. I kept saying that I was doing all those things because I wanted to help you, but---” I shake my head. “I can’t lie to myself now. Everything I did back then was because I was insecure. I was desperate to keep you by my side because I was scared that if you left, you would find another girl to love.” My words come to an uneven halt as my lungs struggle to work. It’s the air in Tokyo, I tell myself. That’s what’s making it so hard to breathe. It’s not like I’m having a panic attack because---

My heart is breaking

It’s possible that it’s really too late

And Yuki can’t ever be mine again

It’s the air, I tell myself again. That’s all.

Forcing a smile, I manage to say lightly, “That was a hint, by the way.” Dark color stains his cheeks at my words, and despite everything I can’t help but smiling again, genuinely this time. “Just because we broke up doesn’t mean we forget about everything we know of each other. And I do know you, Yuki. I’m pretty sure you know why I didn’t answer any of your texts last night.”

I’m also equally sure he knows not answering him had me tossing and turning the whole night, but this one I don’t say out loud. I love him, but I still have some pride left.

Yuki shoves his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans. “You saw me with another girl.”

“Got it in one.” I copy his movement to the letter, my hands burrowing deep into the pockets of my cardigan. It’s a very good way to hide the telltale shaking of one’s hands, and mine certainly are, after hearing another girl’s name on his lips.

“She’s not what you think,” Yuki mutters.

“She’s…not?” I gaze at him searchingly, but Yuki’s own eyes are veiled, and I’m left mentally fumbling.

Yuki rakes a hand through his hair. “It’s complicated.”

“Then make me understand.”

“You can’t. Or you probably won’t.”

“What does that even mean?” I blurt out. “Where does that leave me?” But Yuki doesn’t say a word, and I take a deep shuddering breath.

What now?

I slowly turn my back on Yuki.

But the moment I take a step, I hear him say from behind, “That’s it, then?”

I keep walking.

“Is that all it takes to make you give up?”

Umm.

Well.

I stop and turn around to face him again. “That kinda sounds like…you don’t want me to give up?”

A stunned expression falls over Yuki’s handsome face, but then he grimaces---

Oh, Yuki.

You love me.

You still love me.

Even if you don’t want to admit it, you love me the way I love you.

I quickly turn away, not wanting Yuki to see the way my lips have started to tremble. Heading back to the ema board, I say over my shoulder, “For the record, and I swear this on my future grave, I was just going to get myself another ema. I was thinking I needed to write to the gods because there’s this stubborn, foolish boy who seems to think keeping secrets and being seen with another girl is enough to push me away. I’m hoping the gods would give him wisdom and make him realize it’s not going to work.”

By the time Yuki reaches my side, I’m done writing my wish on the back of my second ema. He takes it from my hand and hangs it himself. But when he pulls his wallet out, I shake my head. “I don’t think it’s right for them to grant my wish if it’s not my money.”

“As you will.” Yuki steps back and I drop a 500-yen coin to the donation box. But when I move away, I’m startled when he walks past me and does the same.

Turning back to face me, he says oh so casually, “I figured another 500 yen would help.”

My stupid lips start trembling again.

“Since the boy you were talking about can be unbelievably stubborn.”

“Y-you have a point.” My eyes have become hatefully blurry and when he offers his hand to me, I’m unable to see at all.

Unfair, you’re too unfair, Yuki. I want to take things one at a time, but you make me feel so greedy.

I feel his fingers slip between mine.

And the floodgates burst open.

I duck my head, mortified by my breakdown. “I’m sorry,” I mumble between sniffles. “It’s only that I really, really missed you holding my hand.” My nose starts to run, and I fumble for my pack of tissues inside my purse.

“Let me help you.” Yuki lets go of my hand to snatch the tissue from my grasp.

Realizing what he means, I turn red and wail, “No!”

But he’s already holding the tissue to my nose.

I stubbornly shake my head. “No.”

“Blow,” he says pleasantly, “or I won’t hold your hand again.”

It’s an effective threat, and I’m soon blowing my nose on the tissue he’s holding to my face. It’s equal parts cute and gross, which I suspect is what Yuki likes about it. He’s always been a terribly sweet guy, but he absolutely hates it when I say so.

Yuki insists on throwing the tissue away when I’m done, yet another mortifying but sweet thing to do. When he walks back to my side, he sees my still-red face and laughs. “It’s not like this is the first time I did this for you.”

I’m unable to answer right away, my head still reeling at the sound of his laughter. It’s been so long. So, so long, and, oh, it’s like having an earthquake in my mouth, and my lips have again started trembling like they’re about to fall off.

When Yuki suddenly peers down at me, I try to look away, but he’s faster, and his fingers cup my chin as he forces me to look at him.

“Just because I look like I want to cry doesn’t mean I’m weak,” I say defensively.

Silence.

“I’m just happy,” I snarl. “Okay?”

Yuki straightens. “I was only checking if you needed to blow your nose again.”

The words are completely unexpected, but they’re also exactly what needed to be said. I burst into laughter, and even Yuki’s lips curve into the slightest of smiles.

“You’re such a bully,” I tell him with a shake of my head.

Yuki smirks. “That sounds suspiciously like a compliment.”

Oh! I realize it’s exactly as he says, and my face flames anew even as my heart starts ba-thumping really, really hard. It’s just like how it used to be between us, and a hundred questions race to my mind, begging to be asked. Are we okay now? Can I start hoping? Is this our second chance?

I’m dying to ask any and all of them, but I’ve yet to open my mouth when Yuki murmurs, “Let’s just take things slow, mm?” He doesn’t look at me when I speak, and I almost feel hurt. I probably would have if not for his fingers twining with mine. And when I glance down at it, I hear him say over my head, “Don’t overthink things.”

Ah. I’ve always thought it uncanny, the way he can so easily read my thoughts, and the fact that part of him hasn’t changed---

His fingers tighten around mine. “Ii desu ka?” Is that alright?

I don’t answer right away, hearing the silent conditions that come with his words. No questions, no labels, no commitments. He’s basically asking me to give him everything without promising a single thing.

“I just have one question,” I say finally.

Yuki doesn’t seem surprised. “She’s not my girlfriend, and we’re not dating. There’s nothing about her that should worry you.”

I know I should be satisfied with his answer, but I guess I need to offer more prayers to the gods. I’m no less greedy than before, and before I can stop myself the words are already out. “What about before? Did you and two really---”

His eyes bore through me. “What do you think?”

Relief floods me when I realize what his words mean. They haven’t shagged. Ever. It’s more than I ever let myself hope, and I want to cry again. I still want to ask so many things about the other girl, but none of them is really as important as what Yuki’s just revealed.

And it’s that he was always mine, even when we were apart.

“Thank you,” I say tremulously. “And as for taking things slow---” I raise myself on my toes.

His eyes narrow on me in warning. “No.” He quickly lets go of my hand, but it’s too late. “Don’t---”

“I’m just answering your question the only way I know how,” I whisper.

And then I kiss him.