Blog #768

I’m an expert on gods of heartbreak. I’ve had my heart broken by gods (well, one god) more times than I wish, and each time is different. This last one, though - it takes the cake. It really does, mostly because I know he hadn’t even wanted it to happen. He only ended up breaking my heart because he loved me so much, and he thought he was doing the right thing all this time.

It doesn’t make the pain any less worse, but at least it means we don’t have a reason to hate each other. Maybe one day we could be even Ben and Jen (Garner, not Lopez). I still have high hopes for that.

Maybe we might even get back together one day.

Maybe.

If there’s something new I’ve learned from this, then it’s that anything can happen.

So I’m definitely not closing any doors.

But for now I think it’s better this way.

The way he loves me is like…the kind of music that I can’t dance to. Not because it’s bad or hurtful or anything like that. It’s just that…the kind of music he’s playing won’t ever let me get close, like I want to slow-dance, but he has Marilyn Manson on loop, and I can’t handle that.

I love him. So I want to be the closest person to him. And I know he loves me, too, but – he wants to love me with limits. He wants me to love him with limits.

But love isn’t love if there are limits.

Love is supposed to be…

Infinite.

* * *

“And lastly, this is the university hall.” It felt strangely surreal to conduct a tour of Tsubaki when just some months ago, it was Vivi giving me one. “It’s a mini-mall and town plaza all rolled into one.” She found herself even quoting her roommate almost word for word, which made things even more surreal. “There are restaurants and shops, and the third floor has several exhibition rooms which students can book for free, provided it’s for a school-sanctioned event.”

“Interesting.”

And of course, the man standing next to her was the most surreal thing of all.

Not wanting Vivi to hear her cry, she had left their hotel suite to find some private place to have a nice, long bawl when her phone had suddenly started ringing. And then she had seen the sheikh’s name flash on the screen, and she almost had a heart attack.

Good morning, Katerina. I have made arrangements with your college, and your dean has kindly allowed you to provide me with a tour of the campus. You will of course be excused from your classes. I will be at your dormitory in half an hour’s time. I look forward to seeing you again.

The sheikh hadn’t even given her time to think of a reply. The call had ended, leaving her in shock, which eventually turned into full-blown panic. Thirty minutes to shower, dress up, race back to her dorm, and rummage through her drawers for the university’s map, since she still had a tendency to get lost.

In the end, she only had a minute to spare when she hurried downstairs to meet him, and of course the sheikh was already there, surrounded by his usual phalanx of bodyguards, and dressed resplendently in his kingdom’s traditional attire. He cut such a dashing, imposing figure it left every girl in the dorm starry-eyed and dumbstruck, never mind if none of them probably even knew what a sheikh was, much less how to spell it.

The attention they drew was pretty much the same when they started with the sheikh’s campus tour, with girls literally doing double takes upon catching sight of the sheikh. They were so obviously taken with him that they barely spared Katerina a glance, and after weeks of being the most hated girl in school, she had to admit it was a good feeling to be invisible for once.

It almost made her feel normal, almost made her forget---

Her phone buzzed inside her pocket.

---until of course she was reminded by the reason she had been hated in the first place.

Malik raised a brow when he noticed Katerina tapping on the screen without even checking who her caller was. “Your phone has been ringing quite persistently,” he murmured. “If it’s an important call---”

“It’s not.” She then quickly changed the subject, saying awkwardly, “I heard from, umm, Lace about how this whole thing started.”

“Ah.”

“So…” She cleared her throat. “Thank you.”

“There is nothing to thank me for. It wasn’t a personal decision, and your qualifications make you an excellent addition to our stable of scholars.”

His choice of words had her shaking her head, torn between amusement and exasperation. “Maybe it’s sexy in your kingdom to compare a woman to a horse, but from where I’m standing…” She made a face. “It doesn’t feel…right?”

Malik grinned, thinking that far few women in this world would dare say such a thing to him. But more than that, the words also reminded him of the reason he had become somewhat fond of the younger woman during their first meeting. She was awfully easy to tease, and it was good to see that part of her had not changed.

“How have you been, Ms. Chariot?” When Silver March had learned he had a brief stop in Tokyo for business, the American billionaire had asked him to check on Katerina Chariot if he could spare the time, and so the sheikh had done so, thinking it would be interesting to meet the young woman again.

The sheikh’s question, having come out of nowhere, took her by surprise, and she stammered, “I’m o-okay.”

His dark gaze swept over her, taking note of her swollen eyes and the dark bags underneath it. “You do not look like it.”

Katerina choked back a laugh. “Umm…thanks?” Was there a proper way of responding to a sheikh’s insult without getting beheaded?

The sheikh’s lips curved in a wicked grin. “Is it because you’ve been pining for me?”

This time, she couldn’t control herself, a laugh escaping her---

She laughed and laughed until she gradually realized she could no longer afford to stop laughing.

Because if she did---

“I’m s-sorry.” She managed to choke the words out in between painful laughs. The sheikh’s handsome face was inscrutable, but he was probably only too polite to look at her the way his guards were staring at her. They looked like they were seriously considering taking their precious sheikh as far away from her as possible, and could she blame them? She knew she was acting like a lunatic. Of course she knew. But she also knew there was no helping it.

Last night’s memories were still raw, and the fact that it was over between her and Yuki still hadn’t fully dawned on her. She dreaded the moment it did, though. She was terrified of it, actually---

She still remembered how it felt, knowing that Yuki wasn’t part of her life.

And to have to go through it again---

“Ms. Chariot?”

The sheikh’s polite tone yanked her back to reality, and when she found the sheikh offering her a black handkerchief, it had her shakily touching her cheeks---

Her fingers came away wet, and she bit her lip hard.

She was crying, in front of the sheikh, in front of the whole school for heaven’s sake, and she hadn’t even known it.

Was this how life was going to be like again?

“S-sorry.”

“It is nothing to apologize for,” the sheikh said quietly. Ruthless as he was, even Malik was not left unmoved by the vulnerable look on Katerina’s face, and stepping forward, he found himself awkwardly wiping her tears away himself.

Aghast at what she had made the sheikh do, she shook her head, protesting, “It’s o-okay, please---”

“I insist.”

The sheikh spoke gently, but even so the command underlying his words was unmistakable, and she forced herself to stay still at the sound. The sheikh’s touch was gentle, and somehow it made her cry even more. “I’m s-sorry.”

“That’s the second time you apologized for no reason.”

“I’m sorry.”

“And now a third time.”

It made her laugh, but it made her cry harder, too. “Sorry.” She knew he was probably sick of hearing her apologize by now, but she couldn’t help it.

The sheikh lowered his handkerchief. “What exactly are you sorry for?”

“For saying sorry even when you told me not to?”

“And that’s it?” Behind Katerina, the sheikh noticed a tall figure striding towards them. The younger man wore a look of grim purpose, and he met the sheikh’s dark gaze unflinchingly.

“I don’t know.” She closed her eyes in a mixture of frustration and despair. “Maybe I’m sorry for everything. Sorry for myself, for going back to my old ways---”

“You’re not.”

The voice came from behind, hoarse and raw with emotion, heartbreakingly familiar---

She whirled around.

Yuki.

It was Yuki.

Her Yuki.

He looked bone-deep exhausted, like he hadn’t slept at all, and his clothes looked like they were still from last night’s.

“I’m sorry I’m late, senpai.” His voice was just a little bit unsteady, just a little bit too human---

It wasn’t the way gods were supposed to speak, and just like before, she didn’t like hearing it.

Maybe that made her weak, but she didn’t think part of her would ever change.

She would never like hearing him like this.

“What are you doing here?”

Yuki’s fists clenched at the stilted way her words came out, and he had the craziest urge to haul her close and to hell with everything. She looked like she was about to break down any second, dammit. Breathing hard, he controlled himself with an effort and with his gaze trained fully on her, he said, “I came from Asakusa.”

She paled.

“I found the place you rented.” He swallowed hard. “It was a very nice banner. I hope you don’t mind I took it home with me.” He waited for her to say something. In the past, his words would have made her blush, stammer –

It would have made her say or do something. Anything.

But the Katerina in front of him now was different.

All she did was stare at him---

Like it was all she could afford to do not to break down---

Ah God, please let him not be too late.

He forced himself to continue, saying doggedly, “I also found the bento boxes. I ate everything.”

Her eyes widened.

“Everything.” His tone was emphatic. He needed her to see he wasn’t lying.

And when her eyes started to tear up again, he realized that she understood---

And when her tears started to fall, he also knew that it wasn’t enough.

“Oh, Yuki.”

His jaw hardened. “I told you, didn’t I, senpai? I don’t like it when you say my name like that.”

“L-like what?”

“Like you’re fucking telling me goodbye.” He stepped forward. “Like you fucking believe I’ll ever let you go---” He took another step forward, but this time it made her rear back, and Yuki whitened when he saw the other man place a hand at the small of her back. “Get your hands off her,” he said between clenched teeth.

Malik was unperturbed by the cold glint in the younger man’s eyes. “And if I do not?”

Yuki didn’t bother answering, only striding forward with deadly purpose.

She let out a gasp when she realized Yuki fully intended to get into a public fistfight. He was the most civilized person she knew! Why would he do something like this?

“Yuki, stop it!”

Her wild gaze flew to the sheikh’s, and the damn man was even smiling, as if he was merely waiting for Yuki to throw the first punch.

“Are you guys insane?”

But when Yuki started to take a swing, she found herself jumping in between the two men---

“Stop!”

The sheikh pulled his fist back in time.

Yuki’s fist, however, showed no signs of stopping.

Déjà vu.

Her eyes automatically closed.

She was going to get another nosebleed---

But instead she felt a pair of hands take hold of her cheeks.

Her eyes flew wide open just as Yuki began to pinch hard and stretch her cheeks wide. Fury was stamped on every inch of his gorgeous face, and every bit of it was directed at her.

“What the hell did you think you were doing?” he snarled. “One of us could have hit you!”

“But y-you were going to beat each other up---”

“Of course I was going to beat him,” Yuki growled. “Did you think I’d let another guy touch my woman?”

She stared at him, stunned. My…woman?

In the wake of her silence, the sheikh drawled, “I don’t believe Ms. Chariot agrees to being yours.”

Contempt flashed in Yuki’s brilliant blue gaze. “I don’t recall anyone asking for your opinion.”

Seeing Yuki move as if to punch him again made her recover herself, and she quickly turned around to face the sheikh, stammering, “S-Sheikh, please. Could you give us a moment?”

After one tense moment, the sheikh acknowledged her words with a nod, but just when she started to feel relieved, she caught sight of the glint in the sheikh’s dark gaze---

Oh no.

“As you command,” the sheikh murmured. “Anything for my sweet little mare---”

She barely had time to throw herself at Yuki, who had already started to lunge towards the sheikh.

“Stop!”

“Let go, senpai.” Yuki’s voice was harsh, his body rigid with rage. He reached for the pair of arms looped around his neck, but this only made Katerina tighten her hold on him.

Ahead of him, the sheikh was already walking away, trailed by his bodyguards, and the sight only fed his rage. “I said let go---”

“No!”

He felt her arms tighten even more, and normally this would please him, but it only made him feel the opposite now. “Do you care so much about that man,” he grated out, “that you don’t want to see his pretty face marred?”

Her body shook against him, and Yuki almost thought she had started crying again---

“Says the man with another pretty face.” With her face hidden in the crook of his neck, her voice came out muffled, but he still heard her just fine.

Every word she said…and every word she didn’t say.

He heard it all.

Felt it all.

Whoever the guy was, he didn’t matter the way Yuki mattered to her---

But it didn’t change a thing.

She still believed it was over between them.

Rage lost its grip on him, and his arms closed about her.

A moment later, he swept her up, and she let out a strangled gasp as she found herself being spirited away, past all the alternately gawking and glaring students.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“Taking you somewhere we can talk privately.”

She didn’t even waste her time telling him they had nothing to talk about and that she had already made her mind up. When Yuki was in this kind of mood, it was simply better to go along with his plans. Eventually, he’d realize the same things she did anyway.

But for now---

“Can I just walk?”

His arms tightened around her. “No.”

Right. It was worth a shot anyway.

“Just close your eyes, senpai---”

She thought about it and decided he was right. If she couldn’t see it, she could pretend it wasn’t happening.

“And enjoy being in my arms.”

Yuki felt her body jerk at his words, but still he kept walking---

A moment later, he felt her burrowing closer, a silent acknowledgment that he was right.

She liked being in his arms.

But then he felt something else, the hot, wet touch of her tears against the side of his neck, and it, too, had something to say. She did like being in his arms, but she also believed it would be the last time.

“I meant what I said, senpai.”

She didn’t answer, and he hadn’t expected her to.

“I’m never letting you go.”

The words made her squeeze her eyes shut more tightly, but it was no use, and the tears just kept falling.

Stupid, crybaby KC.

She felt him bending down, heard the click of a door unlocking, and by the time she opened her eyes and pulled away he was already placing her on the passenger’s seat of his car. A moment later, he joined her inside, and she watched him switch the ignition on, then the AC.

Yuki started to fasten his seatbelt when he noticed her still staring at him, and his fingers stilled. “Senpai?”

“Can we just talk h-here?” Her gaze didn’t meet his as she spoke, her body tense, her tone thin. Everything about her was screaming at him to just get it over with.

His jaw clenched, and he let go of the seatbelt. The sound of it snapping back made her flinch and look up---

Good.

He captured her gaze.

She wanted this over? Fine then.

“I love you.” He didn’t think he could be any goddamn clearer than that.

But she only stared at him like his words would never be able to reach her---

“I will always love you. I will never stop loving you.”

“Yuki---”

She stopped speaking when his fist slammed against the steering wheel, and a part of her was terrified at the face of his rage.

But when he spoke---

“Don’t say my name like that.”

She realized how foolish she was. This wasn’t someone angry---

“Please.”

This was the boy she loved, the boy who once loved her, begging.

“Yuki, n-no----”

“Then listen to me.” His voice was tight. “I love you. I need you in my life---”

She shook her head. “You d-don’t. You survived without me once.”

“It’s not surviving when you’re dead inside.”

She forced herself to ignore his words, saying shakily, “You can do it again. You’re just feeling guilty and confused---”

“I’m a god. Do gods get guilty or confused?”

The words startled her, and they made her laugh and cry, and choke at the sheer, bittersweet pain of it.

Yuki took hold of her hands, and oh God, this, too---

She would miss the feel of this.

She would miss everything about him, forever.

“It can’t work between us,” she whispered. “Can’t you see that? You’ll always think I’m weak---” She wrenched her hands away from his hold, and she almost shattered at the look of devastation on Yuki’s face.

Oh God.

The way Yuki was looking at her now---

It was like seeing a mirror of her old self---

But this time, he was the one who was close to breaking, and she never wanted that.

“I k-know you love me, and you know I l-love you, but Yuki…” Her voice caught. “Love was never what kept us apart, was it?” There could be a hundred other Hikaris, a hundred other sheikhs, and none of them would matter. “So please---”

“No.” Yuki’s tone was savage.

“Can’t we please let this be the last goodbye---”

A wave of despair crashed over Yuki, but he fought against it. “Never.” She started to turn away, but he didn’t let her. “Listen to me---” She tried to wrench away, but he cupped her face, using his strength to force her to look at him.“I said listen to me!”

Her lips started to tremble, and God, the sight of it shredded his heart to pieces, but he couldn’t let it make him waver.

“You once told me that we should stop blaming ourselves for the bad things that happen,” he rasped. “Remember that, senpai? And you were right.” He swallowed hard. “But there was also one thing that you got wrong. That we both got wrong.”

He looked into her eyes, willing her to see the truth in his words.

“When those things happened, when life got shitty, it wasn’t that either of us became weak because of it. It was only that we were afraid, and we let it rule us. When my family lost everything, I was terrified of how I’d drag you down. I was so fucking terrified I didn’t realize that you were terrified, too. That you actually worried you’d lose me. It never even occurred to me that you’d feel that way because for me, it wasn’t even a possibility---” Yuki’s voice shook. “I love you.” His tone turned ragged. “So how could you ever lose me?”

A tiny sob escaped her at his words. The things he were saying, they were all too good to be true---

And it scared her.

“We let fear tear us apart that time, and I…I let it happen again. You were right about the two-week thing being a test. You saw through it so easily---” Yuki let out a bleak laugh. “And I didn’t even realize what I was doing until you forced me to face the truth. I was testing you, and you did pass. Every goddamn test I threw at you – you passed with fucking flying colors, but I was still terrified.”

His lips curved in a smile that made her chest squeeze painfully hard.

“Probably just how terrified you are now,” he said unsteadily, “because you’re thinking things are too good to be true.”

A smile wobbled on her lips even as more tears spilled down at her face. “You know me too w-well.”

“Only as well as you know me, senpai.” His fingers shook as he wiped her tears away. “Everything you said last night was true. About me testing you, of being afraid to trust you – all of it was true. But more than that, it was because I didn’t want to hurt you again. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing you fall apart so I thought…it would be better if I didn’t let you get too close. I thought it would be better that if I loved you just enough, broke your heart once in a while---”

Pain flashed in her eyes, and his hands dropped away from her face.

“I thought that if I didn’t let you love me the way you used to…I wouldn’t be able to hurt you the way I used to.”

A choked sound slipped past her lips, and he knew she was remembering the many times he had stopped her from loving him.

“But I was wrong, senpai. I let fear win over hope, over our love – it was a mistake. I know that now, and that’s why I’m here.”

And even though a part of him would forever feel he had no right to touch her again, he made himself reach for her hands---

Because this time, if it was what she wanted, he would hold her until the end.

“I’m begging for another chance. Let me love you and stay by your side for the rest of our lives. I can’t promise neither of us will feel weak again. Hell, I can’t even fucking promise we won’t fight---” The words won the tiniest choked laugh from her, and he told himself he could draw hope from that. “But what I can promise is that I’ll never make the mistake of leaving you again. The only time we’re weak is when we’re apart, senpai. But together, we’re fucking invincible---”

“Oh, Yuki.”

And this time, he was damn sure it wasn’t goodbye he was hearing in those words.

So damn sure it was making his own eyes sting---

“I can’t believe you can say something so cheesy,” she whispered.

“I can’t believe it either.”

Yuki looked like he wanted to throw up now, and it was just too much. It made her chest ache so hard, but it was a good kind of ache. The kind that made her throw herself at him---

His arms snapped around her, a steely embrace that told her he was making good on his promise.

He was never letting her go again.

“Oh, Yuki.” As always, his name was all she could seem to say when the emotions were too much. “I’m scared.”

“I’m glad,” Yuki said hoarsely. “It means you love me.”

She laughed and cried a little more at his words. “That’s such a s-sadistic thing to say.”

He pulled away, grating out, “Then will it please you to hear I’m just as scared? That I’m fucking terrified I’ll still lose you one day, and even worse I might lose you to that lolicon---”

“Yuki!”

“Senpai!” He mimicked her tone perfectly.

And oh, it was exactly just like old times, and her heart could barely take the sheer beauty of it.

She was still afraid, didn’t think that would ever change, but what was different now was that she was okay with it. Because sadistic as it may be, she knew Yuki was right.

Being afraid simply meant you love a person that much---

And you just had to live with it.

Everything became so exquisitely clear after that, and when she looked at Yuki again, it was as if she was seeing him for the first time.

His silky black hair, his bright blue eyes, the perfect lines of his face---

Or maybe it was just that it had been so long since she had last looked at Yuki without having to hide anything---

Her love. Her joy. Her fears.

Nothing to hide at all because he was looking at her the exact same way.

“Aishiteiru, Yuki Alexei Himura.”

That one word was her secret weapon, something she had accidentally discovered. It used to make Yuki shudder in lust every time she told him that, but this time---

She touched his wet eyes.

“Aishiteiru,” she said again.

And she cried with him.