The security pad lets out a beep before the heavy doors of the Himuras’ home open. Although I got the password from Yuki himself, I still can’t help feeling like a burglar as I let myself inside, unannounced and uninvited.

Relax, KC, I tell myself. It’s not like you’re here to steal anything.

Well, okaaaaay – if I have to, I’m determined to steal Yuki’s heart back. But I’m hoping it won’t come to that.

Because he loves me, so…whatever this is about, we’ll work through it. We’ve always worked through things, and this time won’t be different.

It won’t, no matter if my gut instincts say otherwise.

“Yuki?” I start checking the rooms one by one. “Anyone home?” But my voice only bounces against the walls. The entire floor is empty, and I pause by the foot of the stairs, wondering if what I’m about to do can be considered obsessive or borderline stalking even.

But ---

I’m his girlfriend. Isn’t it my right to check up on him? It’s been a couple of days since we last talked, and over two weeks since we last saw each other, and I did…THAT…for him.

Not that it should mean anything. I mean, I know Yuki. He loves me. He really does. He wouldn’t throw me away just because I’ve given him a blowjob and he’s become tired of me after it.

Right?

My fingers tighten around the handrail.

Everything’s going to be okay, KC.

You’ll see.

I chant the words to myself as I climb the steps, and when I see the trail of clothes starting on the second floor---

I scream the words in my mind.

And when I see the bra on the third floor, where Yuki’s room and no other room is---

The words turn into sobs.

Everything’s going to be okay, KC.

Everything’s going to be okay, KC.

Everything’s going to be okay, KC.

I open the door.

A girl is lying on Yuki’s bed, with just her shirt pushed up to her neck, exposing her breasts…and everything else. Her legs are dangling on the edges of the bed, and between them is Yuki’s head.

He’s pleasuring her…exactly the way he’s gone down on me so many times before.

The girl’s head turns towards me, and she smiles. “It’s just you.”

My mind becomes hazy, but a vague memory starts to form. Before we started dating, Yuki once told me that he only went out with girls who had boyfriends because they didn’t expect anything from them. The one before me, he had almost slipped and told me her name---

El…

That was my only clue, and I remembered thinking if it could be Elle…or Eleanor –

But now I realize it’s “El” for Elizabeth.

Elizabeth as in Liz, the snotty bitch whom my friend Jace had been going out with for years.

“Why are you still standing there? Can’t you see we’re busy?” Liz rolls her eyes. “And shut the door behind you, will you?”

And all through this, Yuki doesn’t even stop eating her.

* * *

“Sorry for calling you out of the blue, Lace.” It’s a little past midnight, and I’m curled up in the balcony, with only the faint glow of the moon to keep me company. Vivi, left shaken when she learned of what happened at the goukon, had offered to stay with me, but I refused her as politely as I could.

I need to be alone.

But I also need to talk to someone before I go out of my mind.

Swallowing hard, I ask uncertainly, “Are you sure you’re not busy?”

“I only have a date with Silver, but that’s not until tonight.” She pauses. “Has something happened?”

Despite everything, I can’t help smiling a little at how intuitive my friend is. Although Lace is as tomboyish as they go, she’s also one of the most sensitive people I know. She rarely needs words to figure out things---

“Something happened,” Lace says.

Like I said: sensitive.

“It’s Yuki,” I choke out.

I hear Lace suck in her breath from the other end of the line. “You talked to him?”

I choke and laugh. “That’s the thing…” My throat tightens and I need to force the words out. “He doesn’t even…” My eyes start to sting, and I squeeze them shut. “I’m sorry. I know I’m not making sense, and I know I shouldn’t be bothering you about this, but I’m scared of what I’d do if I don’t---”

“Listen to me. You’re right to call me. You’re my best friend. I demand that you call me the moment something’s wrong. Got that?” Lace is using her tough-as-nails-voice with me. She uses it all the time with her boys – or rather, the guys in the basketball team she’s coaching. But she only uses it with me when she’s hurting for me ---

And I love her for it, but God help me, I’m sick of this, too.

“I don’t want you to worry about me again,” I whisper brokenly.

“Oh, Kace.”

I tell her haltingly about what went down at the goukon and by the time I’m done, Lace must have sworn to kill the fucking son of a bitch about fifty times. Maybe sixty, but who’s counting?

“And you’re absolutely sure you’re fine and you don’t need to stay at a hospital?”

“I am. I promise.”

“Who took you home?”

“A couple I know from school came to pick up.”

“Thank God.” But anxiety still underscores Lace’s voice. “You’re really sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, but Lace…” My teeth sink into my lower lip, deeper and deeper until I start to draw blood. It hurts, but somehow it’s not enough. I need to be punished some more, for causing so much trouble to people around me. And now, it’s starting again---

Yuki. Vivi. Seiji. Momo. Even Nina---

“KC?”

And now, even though she’s halfway across the world, Lace’s worried, too.

“I’m so weak,” I choke out. “Why am I always---”

“Stop that.” Lace’s voice is sharp. “You were accosted, almost raped. Of course you’d be shaken---”

“But I l-let myself get drunk.”

“It’s a goukon, for heaven’s sake. Everyone’s supposed to get drunk, and so what if you are? Just because you’re drunk doesn’t mean you’re inviting anyone to rape you---”

“I j-just hate the way I keep making everyone worry about me.”

“Making other people worry doesn’t mean you’re weak. You’re not an idiot. Deep inside, you know that. You know. When other people worry you, it only means they care for you.”

“Yuki doesn’t.” The words are out before I can stop myself.

Silence.

God, I’m so pathetic.

“Actually…” Lace’s voice is odd. “He does.”

I stare at my phone. Was that a joke? Or have I unknowingly fallen into some kind of Twilight Zone where all things that should be are the opposite?

“KC?”

“Y-yeah?”

“You heard me, didn’t you?”

“I did.” My tone is numb. “I just didn’t think you’d joke about something like that.”

“It’s not a---”

“He cheated on me,” I cry out. “Have you forgotten that?”

“No.” Lace’s tone was quiet. “Of course I haven’t. But you don’t know all there is to it. When you came back home, didn’t you think it was a little too coincidental that your parents just happened to be there and they didn’t bother asking you too many questions when you told them you and Yuki have broken up for good?”

“They knew it would hurt me too much to talk about it---”

“No, KC.” Lace’s voice is flat. “It’s not that.”

I close my eyes.

“And if you really let yourself think about it---”

I see myself in my mind, a pale, shaking mess as I stumble back to our place, my parents jerking to their feet. Honey, what happened? You look like you’re in shock.

“He set the whole thing up,” Lace whispers.

I see myself sobbing in my mom’s arms. It’s Yuki, Mom. We’ve broken up.

“As soon as you left his home, he called your parents, told them he had done something unforgivable so you’d leave him and stop…worrying about him.”

I can almost feel the warmth of Kelly’s embrace as my mom hugs me more tightly. Everything’s going to be alright, honey. These things happen for a reason.

“He asked…that they be there for you, to make sure you’re okay, and to never…never let you think of him in a good way.”

I will the memories to stop coming, but they’re too much. Don’t even think about talking to him, baby. He cheated on you. Talking to him only means you want him back despite what he did. Is that the kind of girl you are?

When I open my eyes, I’m no longer surprised I’m crying. “Did you know about all of this from the start?” I ask jerkily.

“Not from the start.” Lace swallows audibly. “Remember that time your mom had to come to our lab for a couple of tests?”

“Yes.”

“That’s when she told me about what Yuki did, and that she believed…” Lace cuts herself off.

“L-Lace?”

“S-She thought it was time.” And now, Lace is crying, too. “She thinks you’ve changed. T-thinks you’ve grown up, and I saw it, too. The past year…”

I close my eyes, and I remember Jason knocking on my room, telling me in a hoarse voice that he has something to tell me about Kelly.

“The things that happened to you…”

I remember looking around me one last time before moving out of the only place I’ve called home for the past twenty years, remember thinking that…it’s just a house, and it can burn down for all I care, if it could make things right.

“And you never lost your smile---”

And most of all, I remember seeing Jason on the floor, weeping, and all I can do was hug my dad and whisper, It’s going to be okay, Dad. It’s going to be okay. We can’t lose hope.

The memory fades.

And the moment is completely ruined when Lace suddenly blows her nose.

“Lace!” But I’m laughing and crying at the same time.

“I can’t help it,” Lace half-snarls just before blowing her nose again. “I don’t like it when snot gets in my mouth.”

“Gross.”

“Exactly.”

And this time, we both laugh, and we cry, too, and even though it still hurts, just talking to Lace has reminded me of what I foolishly forgot the moment Yuki walked back into my life. My life…is good. The people I love…are still alive. Even if Yuki never comes back, I still have more than I can ask for.

“Thank you for telling me the truth, Lace.” But when Lace doesn’t speak, a ball of dread forms in my stomach, and I ask haltingly, “There’s more, isn’t there?”

“After your mom told me about Yuki, that’s when I started thinking it was time you guys met again. But because I also knew you would never accept any kind of help from my family---” Lace’s voice becomes a little sulky in the end.

“You know why I can’t, Lace,” I say softly. “Your family’s already helped us so much.”

“Exactly,” Lace says again, but this time growling the word out. “We have so much, so why---”

“Lace.”

“Hmph.” But Lace finally continues, grumbling, “Because I know how unreasonably stubborn you can be, that’s when I had this idea of asking Sheikh Malik for a favor. He’d pretend to offer you a scholarship---”

“Oh, Lace.” I’m touched, horrified, and embarrassed all at the same time. Now Sheikh Malik is involved, too?

“It was the only way,” Lace says defensively. “And besides, it turned out better than I expected. He ended up paying for the scholarship himself.”

“He what?”

“Okay, now I’m confused.” Lace’s frown is audible in her voice. “First you’re mad that my family wants to pay for your scholarship, and now you’re still mad that someone else paid for it? Who do you want to pay?”

“No one! I should be the one paying---”

“But you can’t afford to, remem---” Lace breaks off mid-speech. “Shit. Was I just tactless there?”

“Yes. You kinda were.” But I’m grinning.

“Sorry.” And in Lace’s voice, I hear her grinning, too.

I start to tell her there’s no need to apologize when she clears her throat.

“Also…”

I wait.

“That might not be the only thing I need to say sorry for.” Lace’s voice becomes small. “I kinda...pulled some strings to find out where Yuki’s studying.”

Oh.

“And that’s why you ended up there.”

“I s-see.”

“Did I do the right thing?”

“Yes,” I hear myself say. “You did the right thing.” I take a deep breath. “And speaking of those strings – is it okay if you pull a couple more for me?”

Forty-five minutes later and I’m back on the streets, a girl with a mission. The address that Lace provided for Yuki’s place is at one of the most prominent neighborhoods in Tokyo, far enough to take a cab but close enough for those who enjoy long walks. I’m not really one of the latter back at home, but I’ve heard that walking can help clear one’s mind, so I’m giving it a try. Also, cab fares in this city are way out of my budget, so there’s that, too.

The night-shift concierge greets me with a polite smile as I step inside reception. After apologizing for the three-am-intrusion, I tell him I’m hoping to speak with Yuki Himura at Unit 1808 and when he asks for my name, I hear myself say---

“Could you tell him it’s Vivi Anderson? I’d like to speak with him about Katerina.”

It’s both a lie and a gamble. I suck at doing both, to be honest, but it’s also my last resort, and so I fight hard to keep my smile as the concierge makes the call.

A moment later, the older man puts the phone down, saying politely, “Mr. Himura will be waiting for you at the 18^th floor foyer, miss. Would you like one of our attendants to accompany you?”

My knees knock against each other in relief, and I have to clutch the edge of the counter to keep myself from swaying. “I think I’ll be fine on my own, thanks.” I turn around…and then I run. I can feel the concierge staring at me in palpable confusion, but I pretend not to notice. He might seem like a nice guy, but he’d also be the first one to toss me out on my arse once he realizes I lied to him about my identity.

The elevator ride to the eighteenth floor feels unbearably slow and intimidatingly quick all at once. It gives me an eternity to dwell on all the worst things that could happen, but at the same time it feels like I only have a second to compose myself before the doors start to slide open.

An expansive, luxurious foyer greets me, but all I have eyes for is the boy sitting alone on the velvet sofa, his dark head bent, his hands clasped before him. I step out, and he looks up.

Ah.

Our gazes collide, and my heart shudders to a stop for one painful second.

Yuki.

He jerks to his feet, and the spell breaks as his furious voice reaches me. “Why the fuck are you here?”

His tone makes me flinch, and my first instinct is to run away. But somehow, I find the courage to do the opposite. I start walking towards him, one clumsy step at a time, and the closer I get, the stiffer and tenser Yuki becomes.

I only stop when I’m inches away from him, close enough to hear him suck in his breath, and the memory of Lace’s words flash in my mind.

He called your parents, told them he had done something unforgivable so you’d leave him and stop…worrying about him.

I slowly look up, and this time I see beyond the coldness of his face. This time, I’m close enough to see the haunted look in his eyes---

He asked…that they be there for you, to make sure you’re okay, and to never…never let you think of him in a good way.

And I realize I’m not the only one hurting.

The knowledge makes me draw a shuddering breath, but it’s just not enough. Oh God, Yuki. How could I have misread so much? How could I have believed he’d betray me so easily? A thousand different emotions threaten to make my heart explode, and countless words rush to my throat.

Please.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t know.

But in the end, all I can do is choke his name out---

“Yuki.”

And somehow, it’s enough.

“You know.” His voice is flat.

You know. Two words. Such simple words, and yet all the painful things it encompasses is too much for any heart to bear---

“Don’t you?”

Swallowing hard, I force myself to answer because it’s what he deserves. “Yes,” I whisper. “I know.”

Yes, I know you set the whole thing up with Elizabeth.

Yes, I know you didn’t betray me because you were tired of me.

Yes, I know you have always loved me – and I was too weak for that love.

“How?’

“My mom told Lace…”

“And Lace told you?” He gives me a humorless smile when I nod jerkily in response. “I’m surprised. She was always very protective of you.”

I shake my head. “It’s different now.” The look on his face says he doesn’t believe me, and I can’t even make myself blame him. “T-that’s why I’m here now. I want to talk. I want to---”

“Ruin your life over me again?”

Yuki’s savage tone makes me flinch, but more than that, it’s the look in his eyes that tears me apart. It’s telling me he believes every word, believes that he had ruined my life---

And I can’t bear it.

“You didn’t ruin my life!” I don’t care if it’s years too late to realize this, years too late for him to care that I know the truth, but I need him to believe this. “You c-could never ruin my life. You’re the one who makes it better---”

But my words only make him laugh, and it’s the most painful sound in the world. It’s as if he doesn’t make himself laugh, he’d end up breaking---

And the sight of a broken god is heartbreaking.

“Can we please talk---”

“What for? Closure?” he jeers. “Because if that’s what you came for, you should know closure’s fucking overrated.”

“I just---”

But Yuki doesn’t even let me finish. “Knowing the truth doesn’t change the past. Nothing can.” His tone turns vicious. “So if that’s all you came for, then you wasted both our time.” The way he looks at me, the way he speaks---

He may be right when he says that knowing can’t change the past, but it can change something else.

If I didn’t know what I know now, his cruelty would have simply made me leave.

If I didn’t know what I know now, I’d never have seen beyond his mask, never have realized that everything he’s doing to hurt me…is ripping him apart.

Oh God.

It’s happening again.

People hurting themselves because they love me---

My fists clench against my sides.

But I can change that, too, can’t I?

When Yuki starts to speak again, I shake my head, stammering, “N-no more.” I force myself to meet his gaze again. “You can keep acting like an arse, but it w-won’t make me leave.”

“A masochist now, are you?” Yuki sneers.

But I just keep shaking my head. “No m-matter what you say, I won’t leave---”

“If words won’t work, then how about I bring another girl and fuck her in front of you again?”

My head jerks up, and I feel my face losing blood when he smiles like he meant every word.

“Is that enough to make you leave?”

I watch him reach for his phone, and I tell myself it’s just an act. That he’s only being cruel for my sake---

“Stick around for the show then.”

Yuki starts scrolling on his screen, and I remind myself feverishly that it’s all an act. It always is.

“You know I’ve never had any trouble with people watching me---”

But when he switches the call to loudspeaker, and I hear a girl’s voice answer from the other end of the line, I realize there are things that will always hurt even if you know it’s done out of love.

“Stop.”

Yuki’s face hardens.

The girl on the phone is still talking. “Moshi moshi? Alexei?”

His lips start to move, and my eyes close.

I can do this.

A lone tear rolls down on my cheek.

I can do this.

“Fuck.”

My eyes fly open just in time to see Yuki throw the phone against the wall in a loud thud.

“Y-Yuki---”

“Shut up.” His voice is low and violent. Another tear rolls down my cheek, and he curses anew. “Damn you. Damn you. DAMN YOU.” But he’s saying the words like he’s the one who’s damned, and when he speaks again---

“Why can’t you just leave?”

I realize it’s true.

“You’re not supposed to be here.”

His voice has become dull, the violence of earlier nothing but a sham---

“You’re supposed to be half a world away.”

And now, all that’s left is pain, the kind you’ve lived for so long you end up taking it with you in your dreams and waking up next to it in bed.

“Safe.”

That last word is a perfect summary of his pain, and it’s poison. He thinks I’m not safe now – because I’m with him?

The realization makes me sick to the guts. “Y-Yuki…” So many words are clogging my throat, but it’s only his name I seem capable of uttering, and I have to swallow several times just to be barely coherent. “It’s n-not like that. N-never.” I look at him helplessly, and suddenly all I can say ---

All I want to say ---

All I should have said from the very start ---

“I love you,” I choke out.

An appalling silence screams between us, urging me to take the words back, but I can’t. I won’t. Not ever again.

“I s-still love you---”

Yuki lets out a hollow laugh, and my words falter. “Why can’t you see it?” The cruelty, the harshness – it’s all gone from Yuki’s voice now, just when I realize I’m better off with them. Anything is better than this tone of a beaten-up god.

“Your love is exactly the problem here.”

I don’t say a word. I can’t. I’m terrified I’m going to be even weaker than before if I do.

“I will never want your love again.”

The words shred me into ribbons, but it’s the look on his face that sends more tears rushing down my cheeks.

“Goddammit.”

Every drop is agonizingly scalding, every drop making me pay for being so selfish---

“Don’t do this again. Please.” The defeat in his tone makes me cry harder. “Please just forget you saw me. Please just fucking go.”

His words take everything out of me, and I wrap my arms around myself, hoping it would be enough.

But it’s not.

I want to leave him, if only for his sake, but I don’t know if I can.

I remember the words he had whispered when he had rescued me.

Breathe for me.

I remember the words that his heart had whispered with it---

I love you.

And it’s those words that I’m seeing on his face.

It’s a lovely sight, the loveliest sight, but it also makes me weep because in those eyes I also see that it’s not enough. It’s not right. He loves me, and I love him, but how can I keep loving him if it’s what’s making him fall apart?

“Yuki.” I can’t seem to stop saying his name now. “I just---”

“No. It’s your turn to listen now.” His voice is polite. It’s classic Yuki building walls around him. I’ve seen him do it countless times when Sascha talks to him the way a mother shouldn’t ever talk to her son. And now he’s doing it with me because…I guess…I’m hurting him the way Sascha did.

“If you came here to hear me confirm what you learned about Elizabeth and me then – yes. You’re right. I did set everything up just to make you leave me.” His smile doesn’t reach his eyes, and it’s another classic. It’s Yuki wearing a mask, not wanting people to see the real him. And I guess now…I’m one of those people, too.

“Perhaps like all ex-girlfriends, you also want to know if you have a reason to be ever jealous of her? And to answer that, it’s no. Actually, it’s never. You never had any reason to be jealous of anyone because I only saw you. And when I planned for you to walk in on us---”

“Please stop.” I can’t bear the way he’s talking, but when I try to cover my ears, he stalks towards me and wrenches my arms back to my sides.

“Listen until the end,” Yuki snarls. “This is what you came for, isn’t it?”

I shake my head wildly. “No. It’s not---”

He cuts me off, saying blandly, “Now where was I? Ah, that night with Elizabeth, I had to get myself drunk just to kiss her.”

“Please---” Does he think I don’t see how every word is hurting him more than me?

“And when you left, I threw up like a fucking girl because I couldn’t bear the taste of another woman’s pussy on my mouth---”

“STOP IT!”

“Why should I?” This time, he looks at me with eyes that no longer even try to hide anything, and in it, all I see is emptiness. “Isn’t this what you wanted to hear? That it was all a fucking setup? So why won’t you want to listen---”

“Because it’s hurting you,” I choke out. Every word he spoke was like a knife he used to stab his own heart. He had loved me, and it was because he had loved me that he had forced himself to bear another woman’s touch. He had loved me so, so much that he had given me the only reason that could make me leave, even if it meant destroying his soul.

He had loved me---

“You’re doing it again.” Yuki’s words are made threadbare by pain, and I suck my breath. “I told you about how I ate another woman’s pussy and here you are, concerned about what it’s making me feel.”

Ah.

“So what will it take to make you leave? Perhaps the truth?”

Yuki cups my chin.

“I love you, senpai.”

His head lowers.

“The words are yours, will always be yours.”

Our mouths touch; the fight goes out of me---

“But I can’t let you stay with me.”

He lifts his head.

“I love you too much to see you ruin yourself over me. So please…”

He steps back.

“Get the fuck out of my life.”