Head and Heart

 

I was transferring a pan of cookies to the cooling rack when my phone dinged.

Jessica: Seven days, five hours, ten minutes, and two seconds until I get to see you!

Me: Hahaha. That’s quite precise.

Jessica: Okay, so maybe I don’t have it timed down to the minute, but I do know it’s only a week away.

Me: I know! I’m so excited that I finally get to see you!

Jessica: In Vegas, too!! Par-tay with your hot guys!

Me: Yeah, um, I don’t think so.

Jessica: Okay, fine, but I’m dying to meet them.

Me: Yeah, I know. You’ve only mentioned it like every other day.

Jessica: Can you blame me? And you haven’t even sent me a picture!

Me: I’m beginning to think you’re more excited to see them than me!

Jessica: NEVER! I have to run – see you soon!

Me: Okay. Love ya!

Jessica: Love ya, too!

Not long after, the doorbell rang. “Hey, Kara,” I said as she stepped inside the loft.

With Theo still at UCLA and Knox out late for work, Knox had readily agreed to me inviting Kara over to watch movies. During Chase’s and Theo’s extended absence, the other guys seemed even more buried in work than normal. Since things at Zenith weren’t noticeably busier, I didn’t know if Team Jaguar was taking on extra assignments or if there was something else going on. Either way, apart from a handful of Taco Tuesdays and a few self-defense lessons, I had barely seen Ethan, Liam, and Jackson outside of the office.

Between work and class, I had managed to stay relatively occupied in their absence. And, over the past few weeks, Kara and I had hung out several times; I enjoyed her sense of humor and laid-back attitude. As the lone girl on a team of guys, I felt that she was probably in a better position to understand my own situation than anyone else.

“Wow, this place is awesome.”

“I know, thanks,” I said with a smile as we walked through the living room to the kitchen.

“No, seriously, Haley. I might have to invite myself over more often.” She glanced around, clearly taking it all in.

“You’re welcome anytime, even though this is ‘enemy territory,’” I joked.

Kara rolled her eyes. “As long as Scott and Ethan don’t find out, I think we’re good. And even if they do, well, they need to grow up.”

“What is their deal, anyway?” I asked, hoping that maybe Kara would have the answer.

“I’m pretty sure it goes back to their time as Zenith Youth recruits. I can’t say for sure because I didn’t join the program until after they graduated, but it sounds like they had a pretty heated rivalry.”

“That’s it?”

“Well, I’ve heard rumors that the rivalry extended to a girl.” Why am I not surprised?

“Ohhh, I see. Was she a recruit as well?”

“I think so, but she must have moved to one of the other offices after graduating.”

“So neither one of them ended up with her?”

“Not exactly. Supposedly, Scott really liked her, and knowing that, Ethan hooked up with her anyway. Scott got pissed at Ethan and things went downhill from there.”

“That sounds like Ethan,” I muttered under my breath, before pulling out my tin of cookies and grabbing some drinks from the fridge. “So we have drinks, cookies, and I can make popcorn.”

“Wow, those look delicious. Did you bake them?”

“I did, and I hope you like chocolate—they’re double chocolate chip.”

“Of course,” Kara said and pulled a big bag of chocolate candies from her purse. “Do you cook a lot? No wonder Knox and Theo want you to live here.”

“Honestly, I think I got the better end of the deal.” I waved my hand as if to take in the whole of the loft. “You ever consider living with any of the guys on your team?” I knew she had an apartment on her own near the office, and despite her independent personality, I was still surprised she didn’t have any roommates, male or female.

She laughed. “I would kill Scott if I lived with him, although Logan’s a possibility. Tyler is so happy most of the time, I would probably punch him. I guess Hunter wouldn’t be too terrible, but I already spend more than enough time with all of them.” Even Logan? I wondered.

“You guys don’t hang out outside of work?”

“Not really. We work long hours and sometimes in close quarters; we all need time away to recharge.”

“Is that how it is for most teams?” I had never considered it, and my exposure to other teams was fairly limited.

“I’d say so. Team Jaguar is definitely the exception, not the norm.”

“Have they always been like that?” I asked as we headed down to the basement and I switched on the TV.

“I’ve only been with Zenith for a few years, but yeah, they’ve always been closer than most, almost to the point of shutting out all outsiders.” She took a bite of a cookie. “Well, except you, that is,” she grinned as the beginning credits appeared on the screen. “I have to ask, is anything going on with you and . . . any of them?”

“We’re just friends.”

“But, you wish you were more?”

I shrugged, hoping she would let it go for now. I liked Kara and could see us becoming close friends, but I wasn’t yet ready to answer that question truthfully.

 

* * *

 

“You better not be watching Arrow without me,” I chided as I walked down the stairs. But when I reached the lower steps, the next words died on my lips at the sight of Knox lifting weights. Sweat glistened on his back as his muscles flexed and relaxed. More like being the Arrow, I thought, seriously calculating Knox’s odds in a battle against Oliver Queen.

When Knox placed his weights on the metal rack, he noticed me, removing his earbuds to speak. “Did you say something?” He wiped his forehead with a small towel.

Say something. Did I say something? I should say something, right?

“I’m off to class. I’ll be back later.”

“Be safe. Did you want to watch an episode of Arrow when you get home?”

“Definitely, as long as it’s not too late.” Don’t stare. Don’t stare. Don’t stare.

“Well, considering we can work remotely tomorrow, I’m not opposed to staying up a little later than usual,” he said as he threw the towel over a shoulder.

“Excellent point. Plus, I’m guessing we won’t have much time in Vegas to watch it, and then you’re leaving for Mexico,” I pouted playfully, “so we better load up now.”

Hours later, I returned to the loft, dropping my stuff in my bedroom as Knox exited his. “You still want to watch TV, or are you off to bed?”

“Are you kidding? I’m way too wound up to go to bed.”

“And watching Arrow is going to help with that?” Knox said, chuckling.

“No, but I don’t care. Now come on, we’re wasting precious time,” I said as I bounded toward the stairs.

We took our usual places on the couch and Knox started the show. Even after all the episodes we had watched, I was still impressed with how quickly each one moved. Despite the action, my long day was catching up with me, and I was surprisingly drowsy once I finally relaxed on the couch. Only two episodes in, I struggled to keep my eyes open.

Knox nudged me. “Haley,” he said softly, “why don’t you go to bed?”

“No,” I groaned.

“Fine, but I’m going to put something else on.”

“Mhmm,” I murmured before drifting off to sleep.

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed when I heard a door shut in the distance, but I was too out of it to react. The TV played in the background, and somewhere in my mind, I knew I had fallen asleep on the couch and that I was too warm and cozy to really care about anything else. I drifted back to sleep until Knox stirred beside me, and I forced myself to open my eyes. Knox’s arm was wrapped around me, cradling me to his side, my head resting against him and my legs curled up beside me.

I heard Theo’s familiar voice calling out, “Honey, I’m home!” as his steps bounded down the stairs to the basement. He must have heard the TV still playing and assumed we were awake. As excited as I was to see Theo, at the moment I was too tired to react with much enthusiasm.

Knox grunted. “Theo, can you turn the volume down a notch?” I loved his rumbly sleepy voice.

“Well, well, well,” Theo said, his voice smug. “Look how cozy you two have gotten with me out of the picture,” he joked. He had no idea; this wasn’t the first time Knox and I had woken up like this on the couch.

Knox squeezed my shoulder and straightened, creating space between us. “What time is it? I thought you weren’t coming home until tomorrow.”

Theo glanced at his watch. “After one in the morning. We wrapped up yesterday and were all more than ready to come home. Not that I’ll even be here long since we’re leaving for Vegas in a day.”

Finally more awake, I pushed my hair out of my face and stood. “I’m so glad you’re home,” I said and hugged Theo. He pulled me closer, nuzzling my neck and inhaling deeply, seemingly reluctant to let me go.

Being in his arms felt good—almost too good, especially since I’d just fallen asleep wrapped up in his brother. I could have stayed like that for hours, but I forced myself to draw away. “As much as I’d love to stay up all night and catch up, I’m off to bed. See you at breakfast?”

“Sounds great, beautiful.”

The next morning, after a run with Knox, I took a shower and headed to the kitchen. I had almost finished making burritos when Theo emerged from his room, shirtless and barefoot, headed in the direction of his bathroom. I did a double-take, my eyes drawn to his freckles and the tattoos across his forearms. His body was still muscular and lean, but he seemed more fit than ever, and I attributed it to his training for his upcoming trip to climb El Gigante.

Typically, it was rare to catch Knox or Theo shirtless when we were home at the loft. But within the past twenty-four hours, I had seen both of them walking around as if it was no big deal. I supposed to them it wasn’t, but for me, it was a major distraction.

My phone chimed, signaling an incoming text message.

Chase: Good morning. Can you meet up this afternoon—Verve Coffee?

My mouth dropped open. Is this about the kiss? With the team leaving for Vegas tomorrow, it would be nice to finally clear the air, but the thought of actually doing so nearly made me sick to my stomach. I forced myself to respond, knowing that the sooner I faced this, the better.

Me: Sure. What time?

Chase: Meet you there at three?

Me: See you then.

A short time later, Theo bounded down the stairs, freshly showered. “Good morning, sunshine. Oh how I missed you.” He grinned.

“I know—the phone calls and texts were nice, but it wasn’t the same around here without you. How was UCLA?”

“It was nice. The campus was beautiful and the students were friendly, but I still love UCSC. And I really missed sleeping in my own bed.”

“So I guess you’re not trading the Banana Slug in to be a Bruin?

“Heck, no. Banana Slugs all the way.”

“And the assignment went well?”

Theo smiled. “Another happy customer. And I have to say, Logan is a fun guy; I was glad to have him there, and I think Chase was too.”

“That’s good. You know . . .” I trailed off, not sure if I should confess my suspicions on Logan and Kara.

“Yeah?” Theo pushed me to continue.

“I’ve been wondering if there’s something between Logan and Kara.”

“Really?” He leaned forward, almost conspiratorially. “He doesn’t have a girlfriend as far as I can tell. Hmmm, Logan and Kara, I could see that.”

“Is that allowed? Dating a fellow teammate?”

Theo pursed his lips. “It’s certainly not encouraged, and while it’s rare, it’s not completely unheard of.”

“Would they get in trouble?”

Theo laughed. “No, but one of them might be more likely to leave Team Falcon if they ever split up.”

“Yikes.”

“Yeah. Having a team member leave is huge and only happens in extreme cases.” I frowned and Theo continued talking. “Don’t worry, Logan and Kara are professionals. If they are dating, they’ll work it out.”

“I hope so.”

He clapped his hands together. “So, Viva Las Vegas! I have to pack, but I’ll be around. I’m sure you’re super excited about seeing Jessica.”

“You know it!”

I spent the rest of the morning working on my checklist for the annual youth outreach event in less than a month. The other regional directors, as well as certain select clients, would be attending, and there was a lot to coordinate. Fortunately, I was so preoccupied that it kept my mind off the situation with Chase, for the most part.

That afternoon, I walked into the coffee shop near campus, trying to stay calm despite the ball of nerves currently inhabiting my stomach. I hadn’t been alone with Chase for months, since our Christmas Eve kiss, in fact, and I didn’t know what to expect.

Chase smiled from across the room and stood from his chair, waving me over. He looked as good as ever, and my heart leapt at the sight of him after all these months.

“Thanks for coming,” he said as he pulled me into a hug. Okay, so far he’s acting normal.

“Of course,” I replied, hoping my voice sounded convincingly calm.

“Do you want coffee?” He laughed, then answered his own question. “That’s right, you hate the stuff. What about some hot chocolate or a dessert?”

“Sure, I’ll go grab a hot chocolate. Are you good?”

He stood before I could. “I got it. Be right back.”

I watched him in line, admiring the way his long-sleeve T-shirt stretched taut against his shoulders and his jeans fit just tight enough to show off his undoubtedly toned butt. Forcing myself to look away, I gave myself a pep talk. Get it together, Haley. Now is not the time to drool over Chase’s physique.

A few minutes later, Chase returned, hot chocolate in hand. He sat across from me at the tiny table. “How are you? I missed you.”

“I’m good, thanks. I really missed you guys, too.” If he noticed my use of “guys,” he didn’t show it.

After we spent some time catching up on the last couple of months, Chase looked down into his coffee and started rubbing the back of his neck nervously. This is it, I thought, my pulse racing from a combination of fear and excitement. We’re finally going to talk about the kiss.

He took a deep breath before returning his gaze to mine. “I know I’ve given you mixed signals, and I wouldn’t blame you if you’re angry with me. But, now that I’m back, I think that we should talk about what happened at Christmas.” Suddenly looking even more stressed, he said, “I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, and . . .”

He trailed off, and I felt more and more awkward by the moment. How did things get to this point? I honestly wasn’t sure whether I was more nervous for him to pseudo-dump me (considering we never actually dated in the first place) or ask me out.

“It’s fine, Chase. Clearly you think the kiss was a mistake.” My heart sunk, and I pushed my mug away and stood, ready to avoid any further humiliation.

Chase grabbed my wrist and pleadingly said, “Wait, Haley. It’s not what you think. Please stay.”

As much as I wanted to leave, I needed to hear him out. Once I was seated again, he held my hand in his. “It wasn’t a mistake because I didn’t want to or didn’t enjoy it. It was a mistake because it’s not something I was free to do.”

I raised my eyebrow. “What? You told me you didn’t have a girlfriend.”

“No, no. I don’t.” He groaned. “Why is this is so difficult?” And then he added almost under his breath, “Probably because I don’t think you’re going to like what I have to say.”

I sat quietly as people ordered coffee, the door opened and closed, and the milk frother hissed. I wasn’t giving Chase an easy out of this one; I wanted him to prove he was the guy I thought he was. I wanted him, as Jess put it, to “man up.”

Chase scrubbed a hand over his head. “Haley, have you ever felt like your loyalty was divided? Or that your head told you one thing when your heart wanted another?”

I considered it for a moment and responded, “Sure,” although I wondered what that had to do with us.

“As you know, the team is close, closer than most.” I nodded, thinking back to my recent conversation with Kara. “And sometimes we take a more unique approach to things.”

“Okay,” I said, drawing the word out, still not sure where this was going.

“I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I’m hoping it will help you understand the situation.” He paused and drew in a deep breath, my anticipation ratcheting up with each passing moment. “When you first came to Santa Cruz, the guys and I made an agreement not to pursue any kind of romantic relationship with you, because we didn’t want to complicate matters or make you feel uncomfortable.”

Struggling to process his admission, I sat there stunned for who knows how long before he squeezed my hand softly. “Haley, sweetie, please say something.”

“So you guys made what, a pact, not to date me?” He nodded, his expression sheepish. “But why? I mean, who does that?” My tone wasn’t angry, merely astonished.

He shrugged. “At the time, Jackson thought it was for the best since we knew you would be staying with us for the foreseeable future.”

“So . . . is this a lifetime ban?”

“No, at least I don’t think so. Honestly, we never discussed it.” His expression softened. “That’s why I wanted to talk today—I really like you. I have for a long time, and . . .” He paused, whether from nerves or to gauge my reaction, I wasn’t sure. “And, I’m hoping you feel the same way.” My breath caught as he continued, “But, if you do, I need to go about this the right way. I think we should talk to Jackson.”

“What?” I finally managed to choke out. This conversation was getting more and more unbelievable by the moment, and I honestly wasn’t sure how to respond. The idea of approaching Jackson about dating Chase just seemed wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to say that aloud.

“Unless you’re not interested in me like that,” Chase backpedaled, his expression sober yet gentle. “You can tell me, it’s okay.”

“It’s not that . . . um, I don’t know what to say. This is a lot to process.”

He smiled hopefully, his dimple winking at me. “You don’t have to decide anything right now; take all the time you need to consider what you want . . . although I hope it’s me.”

I stared at Chase for a few long seconds, wondering at my hesitation. My dream boyfriend had officially dropped into my lap, and I should have been jumping up and down in elation. Instead, my chest tightened at the realization that I was facing the one thing that I had hoped for and dreaded in equal measure for months—choosing.

But, it’s not like any of the others have even asked me out. I wouldn’t be choosing Chase over anyone else . . . right?

Forcing a weak smile, I promised to think it over before making an excuse and bolting from the coffee shop. My first instinct was to back out of the Vegas trip, uncertain if I wanted to deal with the guys after discovering they’d made yet another decision about my life behind my back. I’d normally be angry, but more than anything, the knowledge of the pact stung. I wanted to believe it wasn’t personal, but I couldn’t help feeling like something was wrong with me for them all to agree.

Screw skipping Vegas. I desperately need to see Jess.