Resigned

 

The television flashed in the otherwise dark living room, stirring me from my aimless thoughts. I had put Bend It Like Beckham on, hoping the lighthearted comedy would cheer me up, but I was an hour in and had barely seen any of it.

Knox was working late, and Theo had gone out with friends for the first time since returning from LA. He begged me to go with him, but I insisted that I was too tired after the long week, which was no exaggeration. Except for the period of time right after my dad disappeared, I didn’t remember ever experiencing such an endless stretch of worry-filled days and sleepless nights.

It seemed unfathomable, but my current problems felt even more dire than the ones I faced all those months ago. As scary as the first few weeks after the fire had been, now there was so much more at stake. My dad was still missing, DuBois was looking for him, and Douglas was threatening me and Theo, if not all of the guys.

I was starting to seriously reconsider my decision to keep my clandestine meeting from them. Although Douglas had warned he would know if I said anything, I questioned how, especially considering my first-hand knowledge of the team’s secret-keeping abilities. But, I still wondered what telling them would accomplish. They wouldn’t be able to track down my dad in the next eight days. So, what would they do? Confront Douglas and threaten him back? That would only make things worse, of that I was certain.

As if the threats weren’t enough to deal with, my romantic woes—which should have been the least of my worries—managed to stay on my mind, a constant flurry of optimism, fear, happiness, and heartbreak.

I hadn’t seen Ethan in the three days since his unexpected confession and figured he must have been actively avoiding me at work. Not that I could blame him. Our friendship would likely be relegated to the awkward zone for the foreseeable future, and I was concerned about how he would act when we inevitably came face-to-face. Would he pretend like nothing happened or completely ignore my presence? I assumed, if given the opportunity, he would throw me an arrogant smirk as he paraded yet another pretty girl in front of me. Something to look forward to.

Chase and I had made tentative plans to meet up on Sunday afternoon, and I still had no idea what I would say to him. I was tempted to put him off for a while longer, but I knew that wasn’t fair to him or my peace of mind.

Deciding to give up on the movie once I realized another fifteen minutes had passed without hearing a word of it, I shut off the TV and snuggled deeper under my favorite throw. Exhausted, I hoped I could fall asleep in my comfy spot on the couch, especially since it was already nearing midnight. Why isn’t Knox home yet?

Just then, I thought I heard something and expected the front or garage door to open. When neither did after a few minutes, I started to doubt myself. Maybe I was being paranoid, but I didn’t want to take any chances, so I forced my tired body to get up and check out the security cameras on the laptop in my room.

When I switched to the cameras in the garage, I was surprised to see Knox and Jackson on the screen. Knox was leaning back in one of the leather chairs in the corner while Jackson paced in the space in front of him. Suddenly, there was a loud clank, and I jumped. Wait, these cameras have sound? How had I never realized that?

Jackson started speaking, and I found myself turning up the volume even though I knew I shouldn’t eavesdrop. “I am so pissed at him right now. Even if we work things out, the team will be under extra scrutiny for at least a year. That’s the last thing we need.”

What? Who is he talking about?

“Whoa, whoa. No need to take out your anger on the tools,” Knox said, staring at something on the floor behind Jackson. “Ignoring the BS on the form, why do you think Ethan quit the team?” he asked.

My breath caught in my throat as Knox’s words flowed over me. Did I hear him correctly? Surely not. There was no way Ethan would desert the guys . . . was there?

Jackson yanked off his pullover and tossed it in the empty chair, then went back to pacing. My heart was pounding so loudly that I barely made out his response. “Any number of reasons. His inability to agree with me about anything. His anger toward me whenever I don’t do exactly what he wants. His bitterness directed at me when I give him even the simplest of directions. Do you see a pattern?”

Knox nodded. “Ever since his blow-up in San Francisco, there’s been a hard edge to him that was never there before. I’ve been concerned about it, but he won’t talk to me. As far as I know, he hasn’t opened up to anyone. Even Chase. Usually, I would have discussed it with you, but I didn’t want to make things worse since you seem to be the source of his issues.”

“Tell me about it. I’m not even sure when things changed . . . we used to be so close.”

“I hate to say it,” Knox said, “but do you think this has something to do with Haley?” I flinched at the sound of my name. “You have to admit, the timing is suspicious. And I know Ethan’s interested in her.”

“Did he say something to you?”

Knox laughed, but the sound was hollow. “He didn’t have to. He turns into a surly adolescent whenever any of us show her attention. Which is basically all the time.”

Oh my god. This is all my fault.

Jackson remained quiet for about a minute, his expression contemplative. “Damn it. I knew this would happen,” he finally said, his tone irritated. “I blame you. Jax,” he continued, obviously mimicking Knox’s gravelly voice, “we have to bring her back to Santa Cruz with us. She needs our help.”

I slammed the laptop shut, unable to listen to another word. Holy shit! Ethan really had quit the team . . . days after I rejected him. Was Knox right? Did he leave because of me?

My breaths started coming in short gasps and dark spots danced in front of my eyes. Certain I was going to pass out if I didn’t gain control, I forced myself to concentrate on each exhale and inhale until my vision returned to normal.

How had everything gone so wrong? My thoughts unwittingly turned to Christmas, when the guys surprised me with a camp out in front of the tree and showered me with thoughtful gifts. Not only then, but for the last seven months, they had done so much for me. And, how did I repay them? By ruining the most important thing in their lives—Team Jaguar. Jackson would never forgive me.

Maybe this was a sign. I had spent the last five days unsuccessfully trying to solve my Douglas dilemma, but the answer was right in front of me the entire time. I stood, my pulse racing and chest aching from the mere idea roaming around in my head. But, the more I considered it, the more I understood that it was my only option. It was time to leave Santa Cruz.

Reigning in the emotions that threatened to overwhelm me, I willed myself to follow through with my snap decision. A voice in my mind screamed that I was taking the cowardly way out, but I instantly shut it down. By leaving, hopefully Ethan would change his mind and realize that any feelings he had for me weren’t worth losing the team. I wouldn’t have to deal with choosing one over the others and risk even more problems between them. And, even if Douglas did expose my identity, I could get out of town and assume a new one before his deadline.

I nodded to myself. As soon as I had the chance to disappear, I was gone.

 

*  *  *

 

I wandered into the kitchen feeling like I had been run over by a truck, but I needed to pull myself together enough to keep Knox or Theo from asking too many questions. I knew better than to expect that they were still asleep at this time on a Saturday morning, even relatively early as it was. Assuming they would be consumed with Ethan’s abrupt departure from the team, I was counting on that distraction to take attention off of me.

“Good morning, cupcake,” Theo called out cheerily. Crap. He was his usual happy self, leading me to believe that Knox had yet to inform him of last night’s conversation with Jackson.

“Morning,” I responded, burying my head in the fridge. I closed my eyes and drew in a breath. Knowing my time with Theo was limited, I was almost thankful he was unaware of the Ethan situation. Theo and I had been close since my very first day in Santa Cruz, and my heart plummeted at the idea that he would ever blame me for driving Ethan away.

I sat at the table feeling sick to my stomach and wondering how in the world I was going to eat my breakfast. Any sliver of relief I had felt in making the decision to leave was far outweighed by my guilt in breaking up the group and my heartbreak at leaving the guys. I stirred my cereal, grateful Theo was sitting next to me and my face was somewhat hidden behind my hair.

“You okay, Haley?” Theo asked, rubbing his hand on my back. “You look tired.”

“Mhmm,” I murmured with a mouthful of cereal, hoping he wouldn’t push the issue, because I didn’t know how long I could keep up this act. As I had decided last night, the sooner I could leave, the better.

Theo remained quiet for a few moments, as if evaluating my answer or waiting for me to fess up. He finally spoke again, and I was relieved that he’d let it go. “So, I know we were supposed to go to an early matinee movie, but something has come up and we need to switch to a late afternoon show. Does that work for you?”

“Sure,” I answered. “Everything okay?” I asked, impressed by my nonchalance.

“Yeah, it’s probably no big deal. Jackson called a last-minute meeting at Patrick’s this morning.” Where he’s going to drop the bomb about Ethan leaving, I thought, nearly choking.

“You ready, Theo?” Knox’s deep voice boomed down the hall.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat as Knox entered the room. Despite the circles under his eyes, he still looked as amazing as ever, and despair washed over me at the realization that I would no longer get to see them every day. While I knew leaving was the right choice for everyone, it didn’t make it hurt any less. If anything, leaving without saying goodbye, especially to Knox and Theo, felt like a betrayal of them and all they had done for me.

Theo stood from the table, clearing his dishes before going upstairs to brush his teeth. I did the same, hoping to escape down the hall to hide in my bedroom, only to find Knox blocking my path.

“Haley,” he said softly, and I felt compelled to meet his eyes despite my fear that he would see everything I was thinking.

He drew me into a bear hug, and I wasn’t sure whether it was more for me or him, but I was grateful. I knew he was hurting from Ethan’s abrupt departure, as he would be if any of the guys had left the group. I reveled in his strength and smell, scarcely holding back the tears that threatened to spill.

“We’ll be back later this afternoon, okay?”

I nodded into his chest, the pieces clicking together in my mind—the guys, all of them, would be occupied for several hours at Patrick’s, giving me the perfect opportunity to make my escape. The hug became even more bittersweet at the thought that it was our goodbye, but Knox didn’t, couldn’t, know that yet; I tried to soak it all in and commit every detail to memory. He drew back, and I looked into his eyes once more, hating that this was the end after all we had been through.

When Knox and Theo walked out the door, my heart splintered into a million tiny pieces. Can I really do this? I asked myself desperately. Can I leave behind these amazing guys and disappear?

I felt like I was falling apart, every cell in my body screaming in protest even as I pushed forward to my bedroom to pack. With each step that I took, my resolve to leave weakened, almost to the point of vanishing. All I wanted to do was climb in bed and hide under the covers until I woke from this nightmare.

Somehow, when I reached the safety of my room, all the reasons I had to go came back to me. I was determined to do right by the guys and also keep my identity secret, even if only by discarding my current name to assume a new one. This was the only way.

Having already wasted about ten minutes, I sprang into action. Figuring a sufficient amount of time had passed for them to be well on their way to Patrick’s, I picked up the phone, quickly dialing the number of a local cab company. With thirty minutes until I had to meet the cab at the corner store a few blocks over, I had little time to spare.

My mind ran in overdrive as I jogged to my closet and got dressed, then grabbed a backpack. I frantically shoved things into the bag, knowing that I needed to pack light—lingerie, some toiletries, a pair of jeans, a few T-shirts, a hoodie, rain jacket, and an extra pair of shoes. The cab would take me to the bus station; from there I planned to hop on a bus to San Francisco and raid the safe deposit box for the cash I’d left there and my new identification. After that, well, I had time on the bus to figure it out.

My eyes settled on my guitar case in the corner and I bit my thumbnail, undecided. It would be bulky to lug around San Francisco and would draw more attention to me. But, it felt like such an important tie to the guys that I couldn’t bear to leave it behind.

After setting my guitar and backpack by the door, I snagged the laptop from my nightstand and sent a brief e-mail to Jessica letting her know I’d contact her when I could. I then loaded a flash drive with documents from my dad’s file, music, and a few photos of me and the guys. With the clock ticking, I emptied the safe in my closet, splitting the money between my purse and backpack. It was a lot of cash to carry at once, but fortunately, I had already transferred some money to the safe deposit box during my visit in December.

I closed the safe and glanced around the closet once more. A brisk check of my room revealed nothing out of place, but my attention was drawn to the photograph Theo had added during my room redo. I picked it up, basking in the happy memory of the seven of us, and my breath hitched at the realization that I may never see them again.

It was unthinkable that all I would have left of them was a few photos and memories. Memories of Theo's unwavering friendship. Of Liam's wicked teasing and surprising warmth. Knox's quiet strength and reassurance. Chase’s gentleness. Jackson’s intensity. Even Ethan’s confidence.

My eyes burned with unshed tears as I willed myself to focus on the task at hand. Despite my limited space, I just couldn’t bring myself to leave without the picture, so I removed it from its frame and packed it in my guitar case. The stuffed Minion that Jackson won for me at the Boardwalk smiled at me from atop my bed, and I pushed down the grief rising to the surface.

I scratched out a hasty note to Knox and Theo, a few tears staining the paper before I could wipe them off my face with the back of my hand. I wanted to leave some money behind to repay them for everything, but knowing it would never be enough, I simply set my keys on top of the note. Feeling as ready as I could be, I put on my backpack and purse, then picked up my guitar case.

This is it, I thought. Upon one last look, I grabbed the photo strip of Chase, Theo, and me and shut my bedroom door behind me. It was with a heavy heart and a sense of resignation that I forced one foot in front of the other as I walked out of the loft. I locked the door from within and then closed it, an unbearable feeling of finality weighing me down.