Chapter 20 – I Need to Go

I stood anxiously at the international terminal, waiting for Matt to arrive. I had literally sprinted from my own gate to make it as his flight touched down. I knew he still had to go through customs and immigration but I didn’t want to take a chance on missing him. Slowly people trickled out onto the concourse. My eyes anxiously scanned faces as they walked out the doors.

“Matt!” I screamed as he finally came into view. He looked up, confused as he tried to decipher if he was the Matt who was being summoned. “Matt!” I called out again, waving my arms furiously, trying to gain his attention. He locked eyes on mine as his mouth dropped open. He ran out and scooped me in all encompassing hug. The disbelief that I was finally in front of him was written on his face.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his eyes clouded with confusion and fatigue.

“I thought I’d be your welcoming party,” I laughed. “Plus I need some Matt time, it’s been so long!” I hugged him again as we walked out to the main doors.

“I can’t believe it, what a great surprise,” he smiled squeezing my hand as he hailed a cab. “It’s so good to see you.” I squeezed back and blew him a kiss; I felt my old mojo returning to my body.

I prattled on during the car ride, telling him about how well I’d adjusted to my New York lifestyle and things he had missed in the couple of months since we had seen each other, when really I wanted to reveal how depressed I’d been. I wanted to tell him how hard it was for me to be around Alex and how this fucked up situation had sucked all the joy out of my life. I wanted to confide to him how much it scared me, the fact that my happiness was being determined by another person, the exact thing I had spent half of my life trying to avoid. Even not speaking the words; just being with him, having him close to me, made me feel like I could finally breathe again.

We arrived at the hotel and checked in, Matt amending his reservation to include a plus one. Our exhaustion was palpable as we hugged each other in the elevator, travelling to our floor. Our close body contact was not at all sexual, I felt safe in his arms. He flicked his electronic door key and the light flashed green as we pushed open the door of the plush hotel room, the massive king size bed dwarfing the rest of the furniture.

I laughed as I ran to the bed, dropping my bag at the door and kicking off my shoes before jumping on it like a 5 year old. Matt shook his head as he tiredly placed his suitcases in the closet before joining me. He sat on the bed pulling me into an embrace, his eyes closing as he kissed my forehead.

“I’ve missed you Lex,” he breathed.

“I’ve missed you more.” I smiled as I snuggled into his chest, his tender touch relieving every inch of self doubt I had. We fell asleep, exhausted and fully clothed in each other’s arms.

~~~~~~

“Good morning” he smiled as I opened my eyes, his arms still wrapped around me.

“Good morning” I murmured as I stretched, unhooking my legs from his.

“So I guess I have a flight to change.” He sat up slightly in the bed.

“Only if you want to, you can head home if you like. Just seeing you has already made me feel so much better.” I shuffled my body up the headboard to face him.

“It kind of reminded me of the first night we met, in your apartment. Remember? When you shamelessly threw yourself at me?” his mouth curled into a smile.

“Whatever, you wanted me - you just weren’t man enough to handle me” I threw a pillow at his head.

“I’m glad I didn’t Lexi. What we have is so much better than sex.” He smiled without a trace of sarcasm in his voice.

“Spoken like a man who’s never had sex with me” I giggled back. “Honestly though, I’m glad too.” I tightened my arms around his strong, firm chest.

“So... Vegas?” he grinned.

“Or we can hang here?” I smirked, “I just want to be with my buddy”

“In that case, let’s just stay in LA. I spent 15 hours on a plane yesterday, I really don’t relish any more time in a confined space.” He raked his hand through his hair as he searched for his phone.

“Let me call the airline, why don’t you order some breakfast” he walked off to make his call. I flicked over the in-room dining menu and called room service ordering a selection of breakfast food. My appetite hadn’t returned yet, but I figured I’d try and at least attempt eating a meal.

Matt returned, having postponed his flight for an additional day, which gave us all of today and most of tomorrow to spend together.

“So you want to go to Santa Monica Pier or The Farmer’s Market? Ladies choice.” His wide smile lit up his face.

“Well perhaps we should find a lady and ask her.” I laughed as I tossed another pillow at his head, which he caught mid-air before returning it safely to the bed.

“Lexi, talk to me. What’s going on with you? While I love seeing you and spending time with you, I know something is going on. What is it? Is it Alex, have you spoken to him yet?” I looked into Matt’s beautiful eyes, wishing it was him that I had fallen in love with; things would have been a lot easier.

“I told you, I can’t Matt. He’s in a relationship, with an actress. Can you imagine the headlines? I’m not about to try to steal him back. And back to what? How can I admit that I lied? That it was more to me than just sex after I told him I don’t do relationships. I just have to move on, accept the inevitable, and accept that it’s just not going to be that way for me.” I tried not to sound dramatic but I felt defeated. I had finally found someone I wanted and it was too late and I only had myself to blame.

Matt shook his head. “Don’t you think you should give him a choice Lex? You might be surprised with what he decides.”

I sighed loudly, not wanting to contemplate it any further. My brain was already starting to hurt and the whole idea of this trip was to forget Alex, not rehash every bad choice I’d made when it came to him. “Santa Monica Pier it is then, I guess” I shrugged, lifting myself from the bed and walking to the bathroom.

“Gee, love the enthusiasm.” He called out behind me as I closed the door.

I climbed into the large glass shower, turning the water on full. The powerful jets massaged my skin as the steam rose to the ceiling, creating a fog curtain. I closed my eyes as I moved my head under the large shower rose, the unrelenting water pounding my delicate scalp. I willed the water to wash away all thoughts of Alex, all memories of his compelling smile and amazing eyes. I heard a faint knock at the door. “Breakfast is here Lex” Matt called out but I wasn’t ready to move. I needed a few more minutes’ peace before I faced reality again.

When I finally did emerge, Matt was casually sitting at the small table in the corner. The TV was on and it seemed to hold his attention as he sipped his coffee and devoured some blueberry waffles. “I was thinking you were going to be in there all day,” he teased as I wrapped a towel around my damp hair, my body still encased in the hotel-provided robe.

“I was pretty dirty.” I smirked as I sat down opposite him. He raised the silver cloche covering my plate.

“Hungry? I saved you the pancakes.”

I frowned. “Not really, I haven’t got much of an appetite these days but I’ll eat something if it means you get off my ass.”

He immediately smiled. “Wow how times have changed, not 6 months ago you would have been happy for me to be on your ass, or any other part of you.” I couldn’t help but laugh at his observation. He was right, as always, he knew me so well.

I poked around my pancakes while Matt went and took his shower. I quickly scanned over my unusually quiet phone and realised it hadn’t rung, chirped, buzzed or beeped since I arrived in LA. I checked the settings and realised I still had it set to Airplane Mode. DAMN IT!!! I quickly switched it and brought my phone back to life. It beeped and buzzed as a barrage of missed calls and text messages flooded its newly revived state.

I scanned over the messages and read them one by one.

- Lexi! I’ve been granted an extension on my working visa! I’m being sponsored to stay in Texas. Call me and we’ll meet up somewhere!!! OMG can you believe it?! Why is your phone off? Your phone is never off. PS I met someone and he’s awesome. Call me. Rach xx

I was doubly excited as I re-read Rachael’s message. It meant that I would have an additional friend in America, but also that she was doing well and obviously excited by her new prospects. I made a mental note to call her later. I scanned to the next message.

A grainy black and white photo. I couldn’t distinguish what I was looking at. It wasn’t until I turned my phone on its side that I realised I was staring at an Ultra Sound photo.

- My Jelly Bean – Hannah xx

I smiled at the photo, knowing that soon the little “Jelly Bean” was going to be a little person. He or she would be loved and wanted. Hannah and James were going to be amazing parents.

I had never given the idea of having children much thought, I’d always assumed I wouldn’t. I wasn’t sure I would make a good mother and there is nothing worse than having kids when you don’t really want them. I had unfortunately overheard the hushed conversations my parents had had with their friends; “Alexandra was a surprise” which I understood to be code for “accident.” Their friends had nodded in sympathy, forcing their smiles as I drifted in from another room. The last thing I would ever do was bring another unwanted baby into the world. While I thanked my parents for not aborting me, I wondered what my life would have been like if they’d given me up for adoption. They weren’t bad people; they just were really shitty parents. They had done their duty by procreating 12 months earlier when they’d had my brother, so imagine their “surprise” (or horror more like it) when my mother was knocked up again 3 months after giving birth. They had never planned to have more than one child and regardless of my arrival or not, they only ever HAD one child. He was their pride and joy and I was an inconvenience. My brother and I were never close, he thrived on their love and adoration, and, he too, was put out by my existence. We hadn’t spoken in years and neither of us regretted this fact.

- Lexi call me. I need to speak to you. James x

Hmmmm I frowned, I hoped everything was ok. I checked the time stamp, it had been sent at 7am (Pacific Standard Time), about 30 minutes after Hannah’s MMS. Surely nothing was wrong? I glanced at the hotel clock it was just after 9am which made around 12pm in New York. If it was urgent surely he would have called me back? I moved on to the next message.

- Lexi - call us as soon as you get this message- Han xx

My mind raced as I moved to the final message. What had happened? Why did I forget to activate my phone again?

- Call me ASAP- Chris

Now I was worried. Chris was the one who told me take a break and not worry about work and now she was telling me to call her as soon as possible. My hands shook as I scrolled through the numbers, who did I call first? James? Hannah? Chris? What was going on?

I could feel the dread climb as my heart pounded harder in my chest. I decided to call James, if something was wrong with the baby I’m fairly sure Hannah wouldn’t be able to talk. Just as I was about to dial my phone buzzed with an incoming call. ALEX! I literally stopped breathing; it must be bad if he was calling me. We never called each other, even when we were “together” we never called each other, it was always text messages. I clumsily hit answer as I brought the phone to my ear.

“Hello Alex?” I asked cautiously, not sure if it would actually be him on the other end of the phone.

“Lexi....” his voice was horse and broken, I barely recognised it was him.

“Alex, what’s happened?” I tried to remain calm, my heart racing as my mind played through every possible scenario.

“Lexi... I...Lexi... I need you” he stammered though laboured breaths.

“Alex, please tell me what’s wrong, you’re scaring me” I begged. “I will be on the next plane home just please tell is everything ok with Hannah and the baby? Is it Mike?” There was silence on the phone as I pushed it closer to my ear almost wishing I could crawl through the line to be closer to him or somehow telepathically ascertain what had happened.

“It’s my dad... He’s gone...” was all he could manage before he was silent again. A lump grew in my throat. Alex’s father was gone. I knew gone was a euphemism for dead. The torment I heard in Alex’s voice was evidence enough. I knew from some of our conversations from a happier time that unlike me, Alex was close to his family. His father had been one of his largest supporters. I couldn’t imagine what he was going through but I could hear the pain, raw in his voice. I wanted to do anything to make it better for him; I would have done ANYTHING to stop that feeling of loss for him. I felt guilty. My father whom I couldn’t stand was still living and breathing and this man who had adored his Dad had lost him. It didn’t seem fair. My eyes moistened as I whispered how sorry I was. He stayed silent as I sniffed.

“I’m on my way, I’ll be on the first flight back to New York, ok? Just hang on, I’ll be there soon.”

Matt emerged from bathroom and as I rummaged through my bag for clothes. “Lexi are you ok?” his face was plagued by concern.

“I need to get to the airport... Alex needs me... His father...” I couldn’t say the words. Matt swept me into a big bear hug. “I’m sorry Matt, I know we were going to spend time together. I’m sorry I made you change your flight and now I have to leave, but I have to go. I’m sorry.” I sputtered, not entirely sure why it was affecting me so much.

“Shhhhhh Lexi, it’s ok. Really, it’s ok. I know why you need to go. I’ll ride with you to the airport and you can call me when you get to JFK. We’ll have our time, you need to go.” Matt gently kissed my cheek as he wiped away my tears. Seriously, he was entirely too decent a man and I adored him for being my best friend.

I quickly dressed while Matt jumped on the phone with the airline to try and change my flight to no avail. Apparently there was a 24 hour cut off with my particular fare. I told him to get me on any flight and handed him my credit card as I furiously packed my small bag and collected my toiletries from the bathroom.

“Lex, United has an 11:45 direct to JFK but not sure we can make it, or there is a 1:45. What you want to do?” he held the phone to his chest as the airline representative waited for my response.

“Book them both. We need to try and get me on the 1145 but if I don’t make it at least I’ll have a seat on the other one” He nodded as he returned to the call.

I was packed and ready to go, pulling on my shoes when Matt came and sat down beside me. “You ready? I’ve got a cab waiting down stairs.”

I nodded as I tied my laces before Matt helped me out of my seat. We raced down the stairs to the lobby where the driver of the Checker Cab was waiting. He directed us to his idling car and we dove into the back seats. I stowed my overnight luggage at my feet, not wanting to waste time by placing it in the trunk. The driver eyed us curiously as he entered the car and slid into his seat.

“LAX?” He asked, I nodded and handed him a crisp $100 bill.

“It’s a family emergency; I need to get on an 11:45 flight. This is in addition to the fare and I’ll cover any speeding fine if you get any” He smiled as he folded the note neatly and slid it into his top pocket.

“You tourists are always in a hurry, but hey if you want to throw Benjamins my way, I’m not about to argue.”

He took off into traffic and even though it was a Saturday, there was still congestion on the roads. I ran my hands nervously through my hair as I glanced over the line of cars in front of me, I needed to be on that flight, and I needed to get there. As if sensing my anxiety, Matt grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently. I gave him a weak smile as my eyes turned to my phone. It was 10am already and we weren’t even close to being near the airport. The traffic dispersed a little and the driver was able to get on the shoulder of the road and get us into a better position. We were finally moving freely and I could see the airport wasn’t far away.

It was almost ironic that I had undertaken a similar journey to get here, of course Taylah’s driving put this guy’s to shame but he was nonetheless trying to earn his large tip. We pulled up to Terminal 7/8 at LAX as I flung another $100 at the driver and scrambled out of my seat. Matt followed close behind me but not before apologizing to the cab driver for my abrupt behaviour. The driver just shrugged and got back into his car and drove away.

Once inside, I relaxed slightly and slowed my pace from my initial sprint to a brisk walk to the airline counter. I handed over my booking number, credit card and ID while the fresh faced counter attendant processed my boarding pass and cancelled my second flight. Her forced smile barely cracked as she chatted to me about the purpose of my trip and if I had enjoyed L.A. I snorted monosyllabic answers hoping she would speed up the process. “Would you like a window or an aisle seat, Ms Reed?” I muttered I didn’t care to which she raised an eyebrow before continuing to pound her keyboard, smiling at me as she asked “Are you checking in any luggage today?” I showed her my carryon and assured her that I had nothing else to “check in”.

I could tell she was displeased her sunny disposition was not met with fanfare, but I cared very little about her feelings at this point. I just wanted to get on the plane and talking to little Miss Sunshine was not helping my cause right now. She handed over my boarding pass and directed me through to my security check point as my flight was departing shortly (No shit Sherlock, maybe you could have thought of that before and cut out the friendly chatter!)

Matt walked me to security where he gave me a big, heartfelt hug. “Be kind to yourself Lexi, I know you will do the right thing. I’m going to miss you,” he whispered as I gripped his strong chest tightly.

“I’m going to miss you too.” I reluctantly let him go and travelled through the metal detector. I gave him one last wave before I disappeared around the corner and headed to my gate.