Chapter 23 – Confessions

I wasn’t sure if I was still sleeping when I heard a loud banging at my door. My arms and legs were stiff from my contorted sleeping position. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes as the banging continued. My body protested as I limped to my door, stubbing my toe on the couch on the way. I peered out of my peep hole and saw Matt standing impatiently outside my door. I rubbed my eyes and looked again in case I was hallucinating, but even on my second look he was still there. I unlocked the door and let him in, my arms finding their home around his neck.

“What are you doing here?” I questioned, my head still foggy.

“Lexi, you’ve been off the grid for three days. You sent Chris an email saying you were taking a leave of absence and no one has heard from you since. You won’t take anyone’s calls, you aren’t answering your emails, and you have refused to open your door, even for Taylah. Hannah got desperate and called me, it was either that or call the cops.”

I shook my head, it had been three days? How could it have been three days?

“I’m sorry Matt, I didn’t mean to drag you into this. I had no idea they would call you, how did they even get your number? It’s just a misunderstanding. I just needed a few days to myself.”

He grabbed my shoulders, “They got my number from your employment contract; you listed me as the emergency contact. Lexi, what’s going on?”

I sighed, “Sit down - this is going to take awhile.”

He relaxed into my sofa as I sat opposite him. I recounted my last few days, starting with my confrontation with Marcy and meeting Alex’s family. I told him everything about my amazing nights with Alex and how we’d reconnected and how neither of us had really addressed what it was we were doing. I spoke about the day of the funeral and how Alex’s attitude had change toward me and how I felt rejected, worrying that it might have been some kind of payback. I told Matt about the service and how moved I was, the sadness of it spilling into my own sadness. I told him how foolish I felt. I had tried to avoid this bullshit - yet here I was. Pathetic. Matt shook his head,

“Ahhhhh... How the mighty have fallen! Oh well it’s probably for the best.”

My anger flared, “What’s that supposed to mean?” I snapped.

“Oh nothing” he sighed as he gave me a loaded glance.

“Bullshit nothing, you can’t come in here and talk shit to me, explain yourself!” I spat through my tense jaw. My sadness had turned to anger.

“And there she is.” He smiled “There is the Lexi I know, the one I remember, the one who won’t take crap from anyone. So can you please explain to me why you are taking this from him?” I blinked at his response, he was right. I deserved an explanation. At the very least he would have to face me and admit that he had used me. I hugged Matt tightly. He knew me so well. He smiled as he realised his “tough love” tactic had worked.

“You’re lucky I didn’t kick you out, or kick your ass,” I joked, now resolved in my decision to face Alex.

“It was a chance I was willing to take.” He kissed my forehead. “Now go get a shower, I am going to try and see if you have any decent coffee in this place!” I practically ran to my bathroom, but not before picking up my phone.

The first call I made was to Chris. I apologized for my unplanned absence and assured her I was ready to come back. She was very understanding. I guess the fact the band were fairly inactive at the moment meant there was little for me to do anyway. I told her to email me any work I had missed over the last couple of days and that I would be on it. She promised she would and told me she was happy to have me back. Next I called Hannah who almost cried with relief when she heard my voice,

“Oh my God Lexi! You scared the hell out of me. After the way you were at the funeral, I didn’t know what to think! You wouldn’t talk to anyone! I hope you aren’t mad I called Matt?” She gushed. I felt bad for causing her unnecessary worry; Hannah was one person I never wanted to hurt.

“I’m sorry Han, I kind of lost myself for a bit but I’m back. No, I’m not mad you called Matt, I could never be mad at you. Thanks for caring about me. I’m not really used to people doing that” I volunteered.

“Of course I care! You’re family.” she sighed. I asked her about James and the baby and then finally about the band, she told me they had decided to try and cheer Alex up by having a get together at the house and they were on their way over. I told her not to tell anyone I was coming and that I would be there soon. She was excited that I seemed better and at the very least she would be able to make the assessment for herself once I got there in a few hours. I ended the call and climbed into my shower. Yep, it was going to be one hell of a surprise.

Matt let me drive his rental when I told him of my plan. I poked fun at the fact he was driving around in a tiny Ford Festiva. I asked him if he had left his testicles in Texas as well. “Thanks a lot smart ass. This is all they had on short notice. Besides - it’s New York City. There is nowhere in this place to park!”

I had pulled on my favourite jeans and a long sleeve, black fitted top, throwing on my leather biker jacket to brave the cold. There was no way I was going there looking like shit so I put extra time into making sure my hair and makeup was perfect. I pumped the radio up on the drive over, singing loudly (and most likely off key) - ready for a show down. The GPS directed me through the twists and turns until I was travelling down the familiar long drive way.

I saw Alex’s Maserati parked out front, as well as Troy’s prized (though comical) VW Baha beetle, Jason’s Mustang and Dan’s Mercedes SLK Class convertible. I took a deep breath as I parked the Festiva and studied my reflection in the mirror. I fixed the smile on my face as I stepped out of the car and walked to the front door. Hannah, who’d been waiting for me, opened the door before I got a chance to ring the bell.

“Lexi, I’m so glad you came! I’ve missed you.” She squeezed me tightly.

“I’ve missed you too Han. I’m sorry I worried you. I just needed a few days to get my head straight.” I hugged her back, glad I finally came to my senses.

“Come in, everyone’s in the game’s room! James and the boys are going to be so excited to see you,” she squealed with delight. Yes I wasn’t not so sure excited is what Alex was going to feel, but too freaking bad. One way or another I was walking out of here with answers. Hannah led me through the house; I could hear the animated conversation wafting down the hall.

She pulled me through the doorway and announced loudly “Look who stopped by!” The five faces turned to face me, James immediately welcomed me with a massive hug.

“Jesus, Lexi! Where have you been?” he asked as he slowly released me.

“Had some things that I needed to take care of, but I’m back and everything is back to normal.” I smiled as I fielded hugs from Troy and Jason.

Dan pulled a face at me before giving me his own “handsy” hug. “Just so you know, I’m on to you. Ain’t no way in hell you have never played pool before.” I laughed at the fact the events of the last few days had had no impact on him and he was more interested in the game at hand.

Alex stood fixed in his spot, his hand firmly around the pool cue as his eyes traced up and down the lines of my body. He shrugged as if discounting my presence and leant over the table to take his shot. My courage to gain closure grew as I walked over to where he was.

“I need to talk to you.” I hissed as I stood in front of the table, blocking his view.

“I’ve got nothing to say.” He mumbled as he tried to move me aside.

“I didn’t ask you if you had anything to say” I seethed, “I said I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.” I enunciated each word clearly as it spilled from my lips. The rest of the room turned to watch our exchange, confused and intrigued about what was taking place.

“Well then, there is nothing you can say that I want to hear,” he sneered as he moved me from the spot which was hindering his progression in the game.

“Well I don’t give a shit about what you want to hear and what you don’t want to hear. Because guess what? You are going to hear it anyway. I don’t know what those last few days meant to you but they were everything to me. I know I hurt you in the past and I’m sorry. I was trying to protect you and protect myself. I fell in love with you and I was scared and I should have told you but I didn’t. I fucked up and I lost you but I’ll be damned if that gives you permission to fuck me like I’m some whore and then discard me when you are done.” I took a breath as my adrenaline spiked. The room was silent as they looked from Alex to me with expressions of shock and disbelief.

Alex looked at me, his eyes wide with surprise “You love me?” he asked searching my face for confirmation.

“Yes, I love you Asshole! Against my better judgement.” I snapped forgetting we had an audience. Alex moved, dropping his pool cue and pulled me into a passionate kiss.

“Oh baby I love you, God I’ve wanted to tell you for so long,” he breathed as his lips covered mine for a brief moment before I pushed him backwards.

“You don’t just get to kiss me, tell me you love me and everything is ok. Why did you push me away? I spent the night with you! Four nights! How could you walk away from that?” I demanded, desperately searching for some answers.

“Lexi, I didn’t know what to think. We never spoke about in the morning and I was worried I’d scare you off, I knew how the idea of being in a relationship scared you, and I didn’t want to lose you. I thought that you only stayed because you felt sorry for me because of my Dad. Even though I knew this, I was willing to take that, to be with you. Then the morning of the funeral when I saw your clothes on my bed... I... I couldn’t do it anymore. I realised that I want a relationship Lexi. I want to know that the woman who lays her clothes out on my bed is going to stick around. I want more. I want what my Dad and Mom had. I’ve loved you for so long and didn’t realise it, but right at that moment I knew that I couldn’t go on loving you if didn’t love me back. I thought the only way was a clean break; I couldn’t face burying my Dad pretending I was something I wasn’t. I’m done fucking around Lexi.” He gently placed his hands around my waist. “I’m sorry, I was an asshole, I thought I was doing the right thing. Every night I spent with you was amazing, you have no idea what it meant to me, knowing how much you hated spending the night but you did it anyway. Baby, no woman has ever done that for me.”

My anger disappeared as I saw the sincerity in his eyes. He had been scared too. I guess with the loss of his father he wasn’t prepared to lose me as well. I shook my head, “I didn’t hate spending the night with you, I loved sleeping in your arms. I stayed because I wanted to be with you, not because I felt sorry for you. I hated the morning when I’d have to let you go.” My hands touched his jaw lightly as he pulled me closer. “I love you Alex, I don’t want to let you go.”

He smiled as he leant into kiss me. “Baby, there is no way I’m letting YOU go. I love YOU Lexi.” His mouth teased mine.

“Wait a minute!” interrupted Dan. “You guys were fucking? When was this? Where the hell was I? I think if anyone should have been getting action it should have been me, not this moody bastard!” Dan looked bewildered as Alex peeled his lips from mine.

“Shut up Dan!” he smiled, as he turned to face a stunned James. “Look man, I’m sorry. I know she works for us and trust me, I never meant for this to happen but I’m not giving her up, not now.” He looked at me as he kissed my hand.

James shook his head, “I guess I should have seen it coming, you’re both as bad as each other! No more secrets, either of you! Lexi, clearly you have no problem separating your private life from your professional dealings as apart from today no one knew that you two even liked each other let alone...” he paused “Whatever it was you do together.” I smiled as he shook his head again. “So I have no problem with it.”

Alex released me briefly so I could hug James, Hannah still shaking her head. “How could I have not have seen this? You guys are perfect together” she grinned.

“Yeah perfect pains in the ass,” laughed Troy.

Alex pulled me back to his body. “I’ve missed you,” he whispered as he kissed my neck gently.

“You had a funny way of showing it.” I giggled as his tongue tickled my ear.

“Get a room!” hollered Jason as Alex’s hands wandered down my body. Alex rolled his eyes before pulling me into the hallway.

“Let’s get out of here, I need you Lexi. I need you in my bed; I need to hold you all night. I need to make love to you for the first time with no barriers between us.” I nodded as I too wanted the same things.

We walked back into the pool room to say our goodbyes. Dan protested loudly “Yeah, Yeah you’re leaving – go screw each other’s brains out.” He waved his hand in mock disgust.

“That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about asshole.” Alex clipped him over the back of the head. The word “girlfriend” rattled around my head for a second before sinking in. I liked the way it sounded.

“Relax man, I was just kidding. And no offense, but if she was mine we’d probably never leave my bedroom.” Dan winked as he shot me a cheeky grin.

“Dude!” shouted Troy, “That is wrong on so many levels.” I laughed harder as Dan tried to understand why his comment had been inappropriate.

I apologized to James and Hannah again, feeling bad for deceiving them about our relationship but they both reassured me that they were happy for us. Hannah gave me a big smile as Alex and I walked out the door, his arm firmly around my waist. It wasn’t until we reached his car that I groaned loudly in frustration. “What, baby?” he murmured as he kissed my neck, “If you can’t wait, I can pull the car around and I’ll take you right here on the hood.” He laughed as his fingers played with the hem of my top.

“I drove here,” I moaned. “I have to drive the car back.” He straightened and glanced over at the bright red Ford Festiva.

“You really have a thing for piece of shit cars,” he laughed.

“It’s a loaner, smart ass! You should be appreciative; it got me here didn’t it!” I smiled as he glanced back over at the car

“Then I am eternally grateful to the piece of shit car,” he moaned in my ear. “I’ll follow you back to your apartment and then I’m taking you home.”

I climbed in to Matt’s rental as Alex slid into his sexy car, its engine roaring to life behind me. A stupid grin spread over my face, as I grabbed my phone and sent a message.

- Want to race? Lexi xx

- Are you insane? I’ll be at your apartment before you hit second gear. I love your enthusiasm though. 10 points for effort! Alex xx

- Is that all you love? Xx

- I love everything about you baby xx

- Do you love me enough to let me drive later? xx

- Why do you ALWAYS want to drive?? You seemed to enjoy it last time my hands were on the wheel. :-P xx

- I remember you hands being on a lot of things; on the wheel was not one of them. PS I did enjoy it, repeatedly I might add. Still want to drive though xx

- Why don’t we agree to take turns, each option has its own virtues. PS I love you xx

- I can agree to that! PS I love you more xx

- We can debate who loves whom more when you are in my bed. Now do me a favor and stop running that beautiful mouth of yours and DRIVE (seeing as you were so keen before) xx PS I still love you even though you are mouthy

- You never complained about my mouth before PS I still love you even though you are argumentative. I’m going, I’m going!!! xxx

I laughed as I looked in my rear vision mirror at Alex’s smiling face, this time it would be different. My mind flooded with possibilities and I was excited at the prospect. I knew it wasn’t going to be a cake walk, we were both strong, opinionated and career orientated, but we loved each other and that had to count for something didn’t it? Either way I was willing to take that leap, for Alex it would be worth the fall.

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