When she arrives at my house, I know part of her doesn’t know what to expect. She’s coming to spend the night with me to be supportive, but I’m sure a part of her worries what sleeping next to each other will mean. I can’t put into words how much I want her, but tonight is most definitely not the night. I just came back from a brutal slaying of young girl, all I want is to lie next to something good. And that something is Winter.

The fact is, even if work hadn’t pulled me away, I would have stopped kissing her.

Okay, it would have taken some time to pull away from those succulent lips of hers, but I would have. She’s just not ready. It took everything in her to give in and kiss me. And in the end, when she let go, the kiss was the kind of kiss that makes a man want to swear off any other woman.

When we finally kissed, it was fucking out of this world. My need to embed myself inside her got stronger and stronger with every passing moment. When a whimper of passion escaped her lips, it awakened me to a new level of arousal: a level I didn’t know existed before. I want to know what it feels like to have her wet, warm walls closing in around my cock, milking me until I beg for mercy. I want to hear the sound she makes when I greedily lap up the sticky sweetness between her thighs.

I need her to give in to what’s happening with us and give herself to me, body and soul. I’d have her collapsing onto the bed, saying my name as the last bit of strength leaves her thoroughly explored body. I want to lie beside her when it’s over and hold her just as tenderly as I did before we made love. That way she’ll know making love only enhanced the good thing we have. I want all of that, but she’s not ready and today is not the day.

So, when I open the door and see her there, I’m not aroused, I’m touched. I’m touched that she’d come back, despite her fears, just to check on me. I ask if she wants anything to eat or drink, but she says no. I get her out of her coat and find her wearing cozy grey sweats and a pink tee shirt. She says she’s sorry for not having time to dress. I tell her she looks perfect, and we slip under the covers.

The crazy part is, this somehow feels natural. It’s like she was always meant to snuggle beside me. I wrap my arms around her and we spoon the whole night. We don’t talk much, there’s some music playing somewhere around the house. It’s low, barely audible. She asks how she can help make things better given the horrors I saw tonight. I tell her the truth: lying next to her takes away all of the ugliness. We fall asleep in each other’s arms. And as sleep carries me away, a revelation sneaks up on me.

Wyatt, you idiot! You’re in love.

***

A few days later, I enter the precinct after spending the whole morning chasing down leads on our new case. It’s not exactly a big mystery. Everyone knows who killed the young girl, Monica Jones. However, finding someone willing to testify is next to impossible. I hope to God we start making some headway or that piece of shit pimp will get away with it. I’ve met some sick people in this job but that asshole that calls himself Savage stands out even among the worst.

On my way to my desk, I watch as Officer Burke, a short stocky guy with glasses, comes out of his office and hands Decker a slip of paper. Burke works in the gang unit down the hall from us. Decker nods and thanks him.

“I owed you one. But now, we’re even. Stay in your damn lane from now on,” Burke warns.

“You know you love me, Burke. All that cologne you’re wearing, I know it’s for me,” Decker says as he makes disgusting kissing noises. Burke gives him the finger as he makes his way out of the squad room.

“Is Savage teaming up with a gang? Do you think that’s how he’s getting his girls?” I ask Decker as I take my seat across from the desk we share.

“Ah, no. This isn’t about our case,” he says as he scans his computer and reads off the slip of paper Burke handed him. “I just needed him to hook me up with his sister. She’s hot.”

“I met her at the Christmas party. She’s five one, makes her soap, and has fourteen cats,” I remind him.

“The heart wants what it wants,” he says.

The hell is up with Decker?

“Hey, how are things going with your soon-to-be ex? Is she still squeezing you for more alimony?”

“Still as bitter as ever,” he quips.

“Decker, everything good?” I ask, trying to gauge what I’m missing.

“Yeah, in fact, I’m great. My daughter is coming to visit this weekend. My shit head of a lawyer finally did something right. Now I have visitation.”

“Nice! What are you and my favorite baseball player doing this weekend?” I ask.

“I’m taking her to the indoor batting cages, movies, and arcade.”

“The arcade is mostly for you, isn’t it?” I ask.

“I plead the fifth,” he says. I shake my head and smile.

“Say hi to her for me. I’m gonna head out, there’s a club I think we should check out later tonight. Monica used to work there before she got involved with Savage, and we might find someone who knows something. You up for it later?”

“Yeah, I’m on it. Where you off to now?” he asks.

“I’m taking Winter to this exhibit on blue jays at this gallery in SOHO.”

“Wow, that’s brutal.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. It’s like a two-hour show, with a presentation after.”

“Again, brutal.”

“Totally, but it makes her happy and she could use a smile. She’s been stressed out lately. Work stuff I guess.” He looks over at me like he’s about to say something but then thinks better of it.

“What is it?” I ask.

“Nothing. I like her, I really do.”

“Yeah, she’s incredible. Shit, I’m gonna be late. Let’s meet up around midnight, that okay?”

“Sounds good.”

***

 

I didn’t think I’d have a good time at the gallery, but that’s not really why I came. I know how much she loves this stuff and I make her suffer though a bunch of action flicks and ESPN, so I figure I owe her one. But it’s kind of pointless right now because we have been in this gallery for half an hour and she’s barely paying any attention to the art on the wall. When she’s looking at artwork, especially that with birds, she normally lights up. She tells me how majestic they are and gives me some random facts about them.

But right now, it looks like I’m the bird expert because of the two of us, I’m the one who’s actually looking at the exhibit.

“Babe, can you put your phone away?” I ask.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry,” she says, taking my hand in hers. My gut tells me something is off and has been for a while. But then again, this new case has me all wound up and we’ve both been working really long hours, so maybe we’re both a little off. But when I look at her again, and yet again she’s looking at her phone, I’m done.

“We need to go, now,” I say as I guide her out the door. The wind is too strong to allow us to stand on the sidewalk and talk. So, we get into my car, I put on the heat, and I demand some answers.

“I’m sorry, I was just checking something. But it’s fine now, we can go back in,” she vows.

“No, we can’t. Winter, what the fuck is going on with you? You’ve been preoccupied and tense lately, and I’d like to know why.”

“I have a lot of work stuff on my mind.”

“I get that, I do. But if it’s that crazy at work, then we can talk about it. That could help.”

“You should talk. You don’t tell me anything about your cases,” she replies.

“You know I can’t discuss my case. I tell more than I should as it is.”

“I know, you’re right. I’m just trying to get this kid I know into an art program upstate. His name is Carlos, and it’s only a four-week program, but if I can get him in, he gets to leave the city and he really needs to do that. I’m waiting to hear if he made the cut.”

“What about his regular school?”

“They have an academic section too. But their arts program is being taught by this brilliant artist who’s come in from Italy. It’s a once in a lifetime chance.”

“You’ve helped other kids get into programs before, and you haven’t been this stressed. What’s so different about this kid?” I push.

“It’s a great program and it’s tough to get in. I submitted all his past artwork—he doesn’t even know.”

“You’re doing all of this behind his back?”

“He has to get in, Wyatt. He has to.” She mumbles to herself as she looks out the window.

“What’s going on with this kid? Why is it so imperative that he get out of the city? What kind of trouble is he in?” I ask.

“It’s just a great opportunity. And if he makes it in, by the time he gets back, it’ll be Thanksgiving break. And the group home he’s in has planned a weeklong trip upstate. He needs that. Even if he doesn’t know it yet,” she says.

“Did he get in a fight with someone? Did he knock up some girl? Did he hold up a 7-Eleven?”

“No!”

“Then tell me why this kid is weighing so heavily on your mind, more than any of your other kids.”

“I don’t want him to get lost in the shuffle. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I could have kept him on the right path but I didn’t.”

“You are putting way too much pressure on yourself, babe. You really are,” I reply as I put my arm around her shoulder and lean her head against me. I place a kiss on her forehead and wonder how I got here. How did I fall so completely in love and when the hell am I going to say it to her?

“To be fair, I’m not the only one distracted. Ever since our first kiss, you’ve stopped trying to kiss me. Was the kiss bad? Did you hate it?” she asks as she pulls away from me.

“Babe, that’s not what’s happening,” I swear.

“Then what is it? Because I liked our kiss, actually I loved it. And I thought you did too.”

“I did love it. It’s the reason I need so many fucking cold showers, and by the way that shit does not work,” I say bitterly.

“Then what’s the problem?” she pushes.

“Winter, kissing you or even hearing your voice on the phone does shit to me. Every day I’m battling between what I want and what you need. I want to make love to you so bad I can’t fucking stand it. If I kiss you, I won’t be able to stop this time. I could barely pull away from you last time.”

“Would that be so bad?” she says, sounding hurt.

“For me, no. But I don’t want to push you to go somewhere we’re not ready to go.”

“If you don’t want me, just say so,” she counters.

“Christ, you’re fucking killing me!” I shout as I interlock my fingers behind my head and pull my elbows together. I clench my jaw and I hold on tightly to the steering wheel as I confess, “Winter, I want to press your face against the window of this car, pull your legs apart, and ram my dick so hard into your pussy, you pass out from the pleasure.

“That’s just right now; other times I want to lie in bed with you all day, trailing kisses down your spine and caressing your nipples until they are rock hard between my fingers. I want to spend every morning writing love notes on your clit with the tip of my tongue.” I exhale deeply and shake my head in utter frustration. “And you’re sitting there, worried that I don’t like kissing you? Jesus, Winter!”

My outburst leaves her speechless. I didn’t mean to be so fucking raw about it, but shit, I’ve been trying to behave all this time despite my unrelenting need to be inside her. And now she’s not sure how I feel? What the fuck! A few moments pass, and the tension in the air is undeniable. I feel like crap now because I yelled at her and that’s not what I meant to do.

She’s sitting next to me, looking very hurt and on the verge of crying.

Fuck me.

“Babe, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be an asshole. I just…normally, I don’t want to hear about the guy before me, but it’s clear this guy did something to you. And if you want us to go past kissing, you are going to have to tell me what happened with you two.”

“Danny’s not a part of this,” she insists with panic in her eyes.

“He is, at least right now. It’s clear something happened with you two. Sometimes you look so broken and I want to fix it, I want to help. But I don’t know which parts of you he fractured or which parts are broken completely. But I want to. I want to know what he broke so we can put it back together.”

“Why? Why does it matter?” she says with tears in her eyes.

“Because…I love you.”