Chapter Sixteen
CARSON STARTLED AWAKE and reached for Tawny, finding an empty space. His gaze darted around the room. The bathroom light was off. He bolted from bed, pulled on a pair of briefs, and headed downstairs. “Tabs?”
He found her sitting on the floor in front of the recliner, wearing the college sweatshirt he’d given her during that snowstorm way back when. The reading light beside the chair cast a glow around her. She looked up from the pile of letters in her lap with tears in her eyes, a sorrowful smile on her lips.
“Baby, what’s the matter?” He crossed the room and sat beside her, wiping away her tears.
“I woke up and realized I hadn’t finished going through the boxes. I’m sorry if I woke you.”
“You didn’t. Are the letters sad?”
She shook her head. “No. I mean, some are kind of sad, but my parents had the most beautiful relationship. My mom was funny and flirty. My dad told me she was, but it’s different seeing it in her own words. I wonder if I would have been like that if she hadn’t died.”
“Baby, you are funny and flirty. I love who you are.”
“But she sounds like she was so comfortable with herself. In the letters, she tells my father about parties she went to and how she wished he was there. I’ve always been like my dad, reserved and careful. I just wish I had gotten a chance to know her.”
More tears slid down her cheeks. He wrapped her in his arms and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
“I’m sorry you never had that chance to know her better, but I love your reserved, careful side as much as I adore your fun, flirty side. I was drawn to you from the very first time you looked at me from behind your beautiful long hair. And when you set those big green eyes on me, looking at me like I was your worst nightmare? Like, ‘what the hell could this big dumb guy know about anything?’”
She laughed.
“You had me at that very moment, Tabs. And the first time I heard that nervous laugh? Babe, my insides went all squirrely. And when you spoke, and all that quiet intelligence came out, my whole being came to life. Suddenly this beautiful, nervous, brilliant girl was my study partner, and she was the most adorably sexy person I’d ever seen. You were so far out of my league.” He brushed his thumb over her cheek, cradling her jaw as he’d done a million times and he knew he’d do a million more. “And then you were mine. You were right there with me nearly every night of the week, and for the first time in my life, I was afraid to make a move.”
“You were not.”
“Tabs?” he said flatly. “Did I make a move on you even once before that party? Did I try to kiss you? Touch you?”
“No…”
“I needed those drinks as much as you did the night of the party. Like I said, we’re perfect for each other.”
“I never would have guessed.” She glanced down at the letter again and used the sleeve of the sweatshirt to wipe her tears.
“I see you kept my sweatshirt,” he said, hoping to lighten the mood.
“Of course I kept it. It was in the box. I didn’t think Keith would appreciate it.” She waved the letters. “My parents’ relationship reminds me of us. When they finally realized they were a couple, the tone of the letters changed. Were we like that? When we went from friends to lovers, before I freaked out, did my tone change? Do you remember?”
“Yeah. I remember.” He tucked her hair behind her ear so he could see her face more clearly. “I remember thinking you looked at me differently, and knowing I looked at you like I wanted you. I couldn’t sit close to you without getting turned on, and you always ended up snuggled beside me. I basically went through college sporting wood because of you.”
She laughed. “Some part of me really likes knowing that.”
He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “But it was more than that, Tabs. I was sleeping with my best friend. You made me realize that sex was more than just something that made me feel good. We laughed, and teased. We were so volcanic. I don’t know how we survived it. I didn’t know it then, but while you were struggling with all those sexual urges, I was falling in love with you.” He tipped her chin up and kissed her. “That love has never gone away, and now it’s ten times as strong.”
“For me, too,” she said. From beneath the stack of letters she withdrew a leather-bound journal and handed it to him.
“What’s this?”
“They’re letters I wrote to you and never sent.” She leaned her head against his shoulder.
“We were together four or five nights a week, and you wrote me letters?”
“Mm-hm. There aren’t that many, really, and some are more like diary entries than letters. I wrote on and off throughout college, and after graduation, when we were broken up, I kept writing. But I stopped when I started dating Keith. I had to try to move on.” She sighed, a small smile lifting her lips. “Try being the operative word.”
“Are you sure you want me to read them?” he asked, feeling like he was invading her privacy.
“I think you should. I ended things once, and I know I hurt you as badly as I hurt myself. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I know I won’t do it again, but I want you to know in your heart that I’ve always been yours. I don’t want you to have any questions about my love for you, and I think the only way for you to be one hundred percent certain is to know what I was feeling.”
“Tabs, I trust you. You have nothing to prove to me, and you never will.”
Her gaze dropped to the journal and then to the letters in her hand that her mother had written. “I’m learning so much about my parents through these letters. Read them. Please?”
He opened the journal as Tawny turned back to the letters from her mother.
Carson, I wonder if it’s wrong to have feelings for you. In just a few short weeks you’ve become my best friend, but I want so much more. You bring out a fun side of me I never knew existed. When you text, my heart leaps, and I know it shouldn’t. I could never handle being one of your many women, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship.
He paused to process what he’d read before reading several more notes, each word burrowing into his heart.
Carson, how am I supposed to handle the way you touch my face or push my hair out of my eyes when we’re studying? Your touches feel intimate. Do you know I cling to every one of them, hoping that one day we might be more?
He could have written the same words to her back then. He pulled Tawny closer as she picked up another letter and he read the next few entries, stopping cold at the one dated just a week before they started sleeping together.
They say when you fall in love you see fireworks or hear angels sing, but I think they’re wrong. I don’t see or hear those things. I tried so hard not to fall in love with you that all I heard was a voice in my head telling me not to screw up our friendship. But I guess we both know chemistry is more powerful than the human mind. I fell in love with your scent, the sound of your confident steps on your dorm room floor, the touch of your hand on my skin. I fell in love with the way you say my name—like a bird soaring through the sky, strong and fluid, then disappearing out of sight, soft and ethereal. I fell in love with your analytical mind and the way your brows knit when you’re thinking. And that tiny breath you take right before you make a decision. You probably don’t realize you do it, but for a few seconds I hold my breath until it comes, and then it fills me so completely, I know this is love.
He pressed a kiss to Tawny’s head as she picked up another of her mother’s letters and began reading. How could he have been so blind back then? They’d lost so much time.
Turning back to the journal, he read about their sexual relationship, feeling like a voyeur.
Who is this person you’ve awakened in me? I’m the quiet girl, the smart, careful one. I’m definitely not a sexy, confident vixen, but when we’re together, that’s the person I become, and somehow I know it’s the person I’m supposed to be—with you. Only with you, Carson. What we do feels right and comes naturally. I never knew two people could be so close and yet so far apart. I wish for so many things. A real relationship with you, one where there’s only you and me, and where my shyness wouldn’t hold you back from going out and doing all the things you love to do with your friends. But I know that can never be.
He skipped ahead, having a hard time reliving the years of wanting something he didn’t think he could ever really have while knowing that he could have had it. He gazed down at the page dated right before she’d ended things between them, and his stomach knotted.
I don’t understand what’s happening to me, but thoughts of you, of us, of what we do together, have become an ominous shadow to my every move. I can’t even pay attention in class anymore. I’m full of hope and fear and you, Carson. I’m so full of YOU. What is that? I’m worried your friends know about what we do, or that my friends will find out. What will they think of me? “Chemistry Student by Day, Sexual Vixen by Night.” I’m so confused. I want you and I love what we do together. What does that make me? What does it mean? I feel the fear of being exposed pulling me away, and at the same time, when we’re together I’m drawn deeper into us. I’m scared, Carson, and the only time I’m not is when I’m in your arms. I know that’s not healthy, but it’s true.
His heart couldn’t take much more. He turned to the last page, her careful cursive writing staring back at him.
It’s been twenty-three days since I was in your arms. Seventeen days since we graduated and since I’ve seen my best friend. Do you know how easy it is to miss you? I hear your voice as I drift off to sleep. I see your face in my dreams. I can’t shake the feeling of your hands on my body, and I don’t want to. But I know I have to. Goodbye, Carson.
AFTER READING HER mother’s letters and feeling the impact of her mother’s own words deepening her connection, Tawny knew that when Carson read her feelings they would have a different effect on him than just hearing about them. And she felt him grow tense with every word he read. But he was making such big, life-altering decisions to be with her. She wanted to be sure he knew exactly how deep her love for him went.
He closed the journal and set it aside. His pained and watchful gaze searched her face, reaching for her thoughts. She set the last few unopened letters on the floor and crawled into his lap, straddling him so they were forced to face each other. She felt as raw and exposed as an open wound and saw that she’d caused the same pain in him. All wounds needed fresh air to heal, and this one was no different.
His arms circled her, his hands spreading across her back possessively. “Do you resent me?”
“What?” The question was so far out of the realm of what she’d expected, it took her a moment to form a response. “No, I don’t resent you. I love you, Carson. If we’d never met, I could have gone my whole life never knowing what true love was.”
“But, Tabs. I hurt you. I made you confused and scared.”
“You didn’t do either of those things. They were my issues caused by my naïveté. It was my learning curve to deal with and figure out who I was as a woman.” She gazed down at the necklace she’d given him, the h shining against his chest, and felt herself smiling. “I see it this way. You know how sometimes kids are born with a feature that looks too big, like a nose or eyes, and people say they’ll grow into it?”
He nodded.
“That’s how I think of us. Our love was too big. We had to grow into it.” She touched his cheeks, the pain in his eyes tearing at her. “Did I make a mistake asking you to read them?”
“No, babe. You were right. I understand even more clearly exactly what you went through. But it hurts. I hate knowing you were so confused, and the reality of it is that a few conversations back then could have helped. That’s the part that kills me. We could have saved each other so much pain if I hadn’t given you the space you asked for.”
“Or if I had been brave enough to tell you the truth,” she said. “We’re both at fault, Carson, for the good and the hurtful. But I’m here now, and I’m yours if you still want me. I’m done running.”
“Nothing will ever make me stop wanting you.”