I tell myself that seducing Travis into the shower with me was just a fun stress reliever before what could be a very stressful day. But if I’m honest, I just want to prolong the feeling I’ve had with him since we got here last night.

The feeling of being safe. And secluded. Like there’s only us, and the rest of the world doesn’t matter.

Kind of fucked up, since we’re not a couple. And this is only sex.

For him, at least. For me, I’m a little scared that it’s starting to feel like something else. Something more.

When Lafontaine sent me down here to Tanner Springs, I had a lot of reservations about the whole thing. I wanted to do my job, but I didn’t want the memories that I knew would come with returning to the town where I grew up. I resolved to keep my emotions at bay, and stay as uninvolved and unemotional as possible.

Instead, I ran straight into my past. And the first boy I ever loved. The only one, actually.

Because I was in love with Travis. He was the first person in my life other than my mom to make me feel special. Beautiful. Worth something.

It was the most amazing feeling when he used to look into my eyes. I couldn’t figure out what he saw in me, but I couldn’t get enough of it. Or of the way I felt when I was with him.

Except that underneath the warmth — underneath the wonder that someone would rather be with you than anyone else — there was something deeper. Darker.

Fear.

A fear so complicated I couldn’t quite define it. I was afraid of how strong my feelings were for Travis. But it was more than that. I was afraid that the more I let him in, the more he’d see I wasn’t as special or as beautiful as he thought I was. I was afraid if I told him about how my stepfather used to touch me sometimes when he was drunk, he’d think there was something wrong with me. I thought if I told him the look in Mr. Bonner’s eyes told me he was thinking the same things, maybe Travis would think it was somehow my fault. That maybe I was asking for it. Leading them on.

And most of all?

I was terrified that if I let go — let myself trust Travis completely — he might turn out to be just like those men. An animal. A violent beast, hiding in plain sight in the shape of a man.

I wanted Travis so badly. I wanted more than anything to give myself to him. I loved the way he made my body feel, even though it scared me, too. I wanted more. I wanted everything with him.

Maybe we could have had it, too.

But then one day, shortly before my eighteenth birthday, I came back to the Bonners’ after school. I thought I was alone in the house, but Mr. Bonner wasn’t at work like I expected him to be.

He raped me on the landing of the stairs to the second floor. I didn’t even have time to run up to my room and lock the door.

When Mrs. Bonner came home, I thought about telling her. I thought about running away that night. I thought about all sorts of things. But in the end, I didn’t do any of them. Because somehow I knew Mrs. Bonner wouldn’t believe me. And I didn’t want CPS to place me in yet another home, where maybe things would be even worse.

So, instead, I said nothing. I stayed in my room, with my dresser up against my door, and waited for morning to come. I left for school. I walked the whole three miles there. I pretended nothing had happened at all.

Except that when I got close to the school grounds and thought about seeing Travis, I threw up behind a bush.

I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t stand the thought of him looking at me. I was sure he’d be able to see what had happened if he looked into my eyes. He’d know that I was dirty. If he touched me, I was sure I’d shatter into a million pieces.

I ran in the other direction. I spent the day walking around town, hiding from people so that no one would ask me why I wasn’t in school. I only went back to the Bonners’ that night because I didn’t have any place else to stay. But I made sure Mrs. Bonner was there, and I barricaded my door with the dresser again.

The next day, I knew I couldn’t avoid school again without getting myself into trouble, so I went. I managed to avoid Travis completely that day. But the following day he caught me outside one of my classes. He kept asking me what was wrong, but I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t say anything. He thought I was mad at him, and that seemed like the best excuse, so I let him think it. I acted like he’d done something terrible. I pretended it in my mind, too. Pretended it until I almost believed it. Because I couldn’t let Travis in. If I let him in — if I told him what had happened — I knew that everything I was afraid of with him would come true. He’d think I was disgusting. He’d look at me like I was damaged goods. And worst of all, maybe he’d think that he had a right to take what he wanted from me, whether I wanted him to or not.

Just like Mr. Bonner had.

On the morning of my eighteenth birthday, I left. I had a little money that got me out of town. I stayed in a homeless shelter in the city for a couple weeks, until I could get the death benefit from my mom’s insurance policy. I got my GED, and used the insurance payout to pay for my first couple years of college. Student loans got me through the rest. I never looked back at Tanner Springs, or the Bonners.

Or Travis.

I know better now. At least in theory. I know I wasn’t dirty. I know what happened to me wasn’t my fault.

But I also know things couldn’t have gone any further with Travis back then. If I’d stayed, I would have just saddled him with someone who was too fucked up to be any good as a girlfriend. I wanted him to be my first, but that was taken away from me. From us. I couldn’t believe in a happily ever after, after that. I would have been waiting for things to go bad between us. I would have been waiting for Travis to show me he was just like the others.

And now, I know there’s no way for things to ever be the same again between us. You can’t change the past.

That’s why it’s crazy that I let myself get into this… whatever it is with him.

I should never have let Travis back into my life. For either of our sakes. I know he’s trying to help me with this case, even though it puts him at risk with his club. But I don’t know why.

It feels so good being with him again. Too good. I should be strong enough to stay away from him. I was strong enough once before — strong enough to leave him, even though it almost broke me.

The cold fact of the matter is there’s no future for us. It’s ridiculous to even hope. We’re on opposite sides of the law, he and I. Even though my side isn’t quite as squeaky clean as I wish it was.

I’ve never been more in doubt of the decisions I’ve made. Of this life I’ve chosen. I’m a mess, inside and out.

And Travis has turned into a Beast. Literally.

If I believed in signs from the universe, this one couldn’t be more clear.

But the universe has screwed me over before. And right now, my heart is telling me to ignore my head. That sometimes a Beast is more of a man than all the rest.

* * *

After a quick breakfast, Travis takes me on his bike to visit Natalia. When we get to Jewel’s place, she lets us into the small entry of her apartment. I stop Travis just inside the door.

“Maybe you should take your cut off,” I suggest, remembering what happened last time Natalia saw it.

He looks down at the leather. “Good point,” he says, shrugging it off.

Natalia is in Jewel’s tiny living room, sitting on the couch. Olga is there, too, which is a relief. Natalia’s wearing a pair of comfy sweats and a purple top with sparkles on it. She looks for all the world like any typical teenager. Fortunately, Natalia doesn’t seem to recognize Travis as the man with the Lords of Carnage cut at the hospital. She gives us a wide smile and stands up to greet us.

“Hello, Brooke!” she beams. “I am so happy today!”

My heart swells as she comes up and gives me a big hug. It’s a little hard to swallow for a second as I think about the hell that Natalia has escaped, and everything she’s been through to get here.

And then I remember that if she’s correct, there are at least nine other girls out there who are still in that hell.

“Thank you both so much for helping Natalia,” I say to Jewel and Olga.

“It is our pleasure,” Olga replies, waving a hand.

“Have you gotten any word about Natalia’s father?” Jewel asks me.

“I’m planning to call my contact at the embassy today.” I glance at Olga, and she translates for Natalia, who looks at me with hope. “I’ll call or come back as soon as I have an update. In the meantime, is there anything I can do for you? Anything you need?”

Jewel chews her lip. “I know Natalia’s still worried that the men will come for her. Now that we’re out of the hospital, I suppose she’s safer, but…”

Travis cuts in. “I’m gonna ask Angel to send some of the Lords here to keep an eye on things.” He glances at Natalia. “Just to hang around outside the entrances of the apartment. Make sure no one gets in or out without their knowledge.”

I thank him with my eyes, grateful that he realizes their presence in the apartment would make Natalia nervous.

“Are you sure?” Jewel asks doubtfully. “It’s not the club’s…”

“Don’t worry about it, Jewel. You’re part of the club. You’re family. If you’re in any danger, we take care of you. And that extends to your house guests.”

She breathes out a sigh. “Thanks, Beast.”

“Natalia,” I say, leading her to the couch. “I have a question for you.” I reach into my back pocket and pull out the small, shiny object I’ve brought with me. “Do you happen to recognize this?”

Reflexively, I start to look over to Olga for a translation, but before she can start, Natalia plucks the object out of my hand excitedly. She holds it up and exclaims something, then looks at me expectantly.

“She says it belongs to one of the other girls. Ashley,” Olga tells me.

“Are you sure, Natalia?” I press her. “Are you totally sure it doesn’t just look like the same ring?”

More talking between Olga and Natalia.

“Nemaye,” Olga says, shaking her head. “Natalia say that Ashley loved this ring. She say it was her magic fortune ring.”

Oh my God.

If Natalia is right, this is the first real evidence that the traffickers were operating out of the laundromat. And that both Natalia and the other girl — Ashley — were there.

“Thank you, Natalia,” I say, squeezing her hand. “I have to take the ring back. But hopefully, we’ll get to give it back to Ashley in person, very soon.” I turn to Olga. “Thank you for translating. I’ll try to be back soon.”

While I’ve been talking to Natalia, Travis has gone into Jewel’s kitchen. He’s just getting off the phone when I come in.

“Angel’s gonna send over Brick and Skid,” he tells Jewel. “One guy stationed at each entrance. We’ll keep a twenty-four seven watch until this is over.” Turning to me, he continues. “You and me are gonna meet Angel in an hour.”

I nod. “Drive me back to your place,” I say. “I need my car.”