CHAPTER TWELVE - CAROLINE
One Month Later
I left the hospital in a haze. My parents forced me to go now that Eric was finally being released. He survived the gunshot but the bullet had hit his spine. He would be paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of his life. After a month of recovery and rehabilitation, nothing had changed. Seeing him there, lying helpless in that hospital bed, was one of the worst things I’d ever experienced. Still, my heart didn’t just ache for him. It ached for Dean, who was rotting in prison for a crime he didn’t commit.
In the past month, Dean’s trial had been in full swing. The Vanderwalts were among the most powerful families in Austin, Texas and because of that, they managed to push Dean’s trial through quickly and efficiently. My parents tried to keep me away from the courtroom but I refused. I forced myself to sit through every single day of that trial. No matter how bad it got, I was there. I could tell from the look on his face that Dean wished I would leave. He hated me seeing him that way but I wouldn’t leave him.
“Where are you going?” my mother asked as I hurried toward my car. We were in the hospital parking lot, and I was eager to get away from my parents.
“To Stephanie’s,” I lied. “This has been a really hard day. I just need my best friend.”
Thankfully, my mom said nothing as I climbed into my car. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I turned toward the freeway and made my way to see Dean in prison. Two days earlier, he was found guilty and sentenced accordingly. Because the only two witnesses were myself and Daniel, no one could argue that Dean didn’t pull the trigger. I tried to convince him to let me tell the truth but he refused, going so far as to make his lawyer promise not to put me on the stand.
It was horrendous, sitting there watching Dean be led away in handcuffs. The man I loved more than any other was leaving my life for years and there was nothing I could do to stop it. He wouldn’t let me help him. The only thing I could do was sit back and respect his decision while resolving myself to a life without him.
I pulled into the prison, leaving my name with the guard and slowly driving through the gate. I hadn’t yet been to visit him, and I could feel myself shake from fear. Entering a prison wasn’t at all what I thought it would be. As I got out of my car, I was ushered quickly inside. Then, I was searched thoroughly by a female officer who looked more like a man than most of the men I knew.
My entire body felt violated as they led me through the halls. When we finally made it to the visiting center, we stepped into a large open room with tables crowded around. There were already prisoners sitting there, some with visitors surrounding around them. I was scared as I lowered myself on to a bench and waited.
Dean finally appeared. He was being led by a guard who kept a tight hold on him as if he were a dangerous criminal. The sight brought tears to my eyes but I forced them away, vowing to stay strong for him. The guard brought Dean over to me. Dean sat down across from me without meeting my eyes and the guard fastened Dean’s handcuffs to the table. He couldn’t touch me or move more than a few inches in either direction.
“Hi,” I said weakly, leaning forward. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to visit before now. My parents have kept a pretty tight hold on me ever since—
“It’s fine,” Dean said, his voice tight. “I figured.”
“I was at the trial,” I said, though he already knew that. “Every day.”
“I know.” Dean nodded. “I wish you would have stayed away.”
“I couldn’t,” I said. “You don’t deserve to be here. Your brother—”
“Shut up,” Dean snapped. “Don’t talk about that here.”
I sat back as if he’d slapped me. Dean had never spoken to me like that before. “I’m sorry,” I said quickly, glancing down at my hands. “This is so unfair, Dean. I hate to see you this way.”
“You didn’t have to come,” Dean said.
When I raised my eyes to look at him, I realized how long his hair had grown during the trial this past month. It was so long that it fell in his eyes, obscuring my view of the deep blue irises I loved so much.
“Of course, I did,” I said softly. “I miss you so much.”
Dean’s jaw tightened and he looked away. I watched him as he glared off into the distance. I tried to read his mind, to understand what he was thinking, but I couldn’t. I’d never seen him look so closed off.
“Listen,” I said gently. I sniffed and forced a smile on my face. “I know the next few years are going to be damn near impossible but I have an idea. I’m going to postpone Yale for a while. At least a few years. That way I can stay close. I’ll be able to come visit you every weekend and—”
“No.” Dean’s voice was sharp and cut through me like a knife.
“What?” I asked.
“That’s stupid,” he said. “You aren’t postponing Yale, Caroline. That’s your entire future.”
“You are my future,” I said softly.
Dean sighed and shook his head impatiently. He cleared his throat and finally met my eyes again. This time, I could see the hardness in his expression and it scared me. He’d never once looked at me like that.
“I’m not your fucking future, Caroline,” he said. “We had a fling. A summer fling. It’s over now. How can you not see that?”
“Why does it have to be over?” I asked desperately. “Because you’re in here? You didn’t do it! You aren’t a criminal, Dean!”
“According to the state of Texas, I am.”
“But I know better!” I said through clenched teeth. “I know the truth.”
“The truth is, that we were never going to last,” Dean said firmly. “Even if Eric never got hurt, this thing between us was always going to end. You’re going to Yale, Caroline, and I’m in prison. There is no future here, okay? There’s just not.”
“We love each other,” I said stubbornly. “We love each other and that’s all that matters. We can make it through anything.”
“I don’t love you,” Dean said, his eyes staring daggers at me. “I never fucking loved you. I just said that to get in your pants.”
I stared at him in shock. Even on his worst day, I never imagined Dean would say something so hurtful to me. As I watched him, tears filled my eyes slowly. For a fraction of a second, I saw his eyes soften. His glare slipped from his face, and I saw the pain he was trying so desperately to hide from me.
“That’s bullshit,” I said, sniffing. “That’s total bullshit and we both know it. You love me, and I love you. There’s nothing that we can’t—”
“I don’t want to see you anymore,” Dean said, any trace of pain wiped from his face. “I never want to see you again. Go to Yale, Caroline. Just go to school and forget about this place.”
“I can’t,” I said weakly. “I can’t just leave you. How can I?”
“I don’t want you,” Dean said without emotion. “I never did. If you try to see me again, I’ll refuse. Don’t visit me.”
With that, Dean turned toward the guard and motioned him over. The guard came forward quickly, unlocking Dean from the table and leading him away. I stayed frozen on that bench, unable to move or even breathe. Everything that just happened felt like something out of my worst nightmare. Deep down, I knew Dean was lying but what could I do about it? If I tried to visit him, he would ignore me. I felt completely helpless.
“Miss,” a guard said from behind me. “If your visit is over, you need to leave. You can’t stay here.”
I nodded weakly and slowly rose to my feet. Numbly, I walked back through the prison, stepping outside into the hot summer sun with tears streaming down my cheeks. I walked all the way back to my car in a haze of confused anguish. I still couldn’t believe what just happened.
As I climbed behind the wheel, my head fell forward and sobs ripped themselves from my chest. I heaved and cried against the steering wheel, holding on to it for dear life. My entire body felt like it was being torn apart. The whole world was crumbling around me, and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t feel anything other than pain and loneliness.
I longed to go back inside and change Dean’s mind. I wanted to press my lips to his and remember what it felt like between us but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything but sit in that parking lot and cry. Cry for myself, my own pain and fear. Cry for Dean, locked all alone in that prison for a crime he didn’t commit. Cry for Daniel, who would live his entire life regretting his actions. And cry for Eric, who would never walk again.
How did the best summer of my life turn into such a fucking nightmare? I let the sobs tear themselves free until I had nothing left. My sobs quieted into hiccups and then silence. The tears continued to stream down my face until they too disappeared. My eyes dried and my heart ached in my chest. It felt like hours before I could finally breathe normally.
When I sat up, the sun was beginning to set and the prison parking lot was almost empty. Visiting hours were over and everyone was going home, leaving their loved ones behind. I stared at the prison, picturing Dean inside.
With all the strength I could muster, I drove away, putting Dean and the entire summer behind me.