CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE - DEAN
Days after learning the truth, I still didn’t quite believe it. My mother’s tale of her affair with Mr. Michaelson felt like a nightmare come to life. We still didn’t know for sure but just thinking that Caroline might be Daniel’s sister was enough to make my stomach clench painfully and my head spin with confusion.
Just when I thought I might stand a chance of getting Caroline back, my mother dropped this bomb. Now, neither Caroline nor I knew what to do. We hadn’t spoken since we left the bar that night. I thought about calling her a thousand times, but what would I say? “I’m sorry we might share a brother”?
It was all so fucked up. I could barely look at my mom without cringing. My father had been a good man, and they’d been happy. Why she felt the need to betray him by sleeping with another married man with a family was beyond me.
It was disgusting to me, but I knew I had to push past it. Right now, we all had to rally around Daniel and be there for him. I couldn’t just shut my mother out because that would only hurt my brother. No matter how angry I was with her, or how upset I became, I had to ignore my own emotions to be there for Daniel.
I was sitting with him at the hospital while he got yet another round of dialysis. It was rare to see Daniel awake. Lately, he’d been sleeping so much that the doctors were beginning to worry but today, he was sitting up with a wide smile on his face. As the machines pumped Daniel’s blood, I tried to keep my face impassive. If he found out I was upset, I would have to tell him the truth and neither of us were ready for that conversation. He didn’t really have any memories of our dad but I’d always told him how much he’d loved him. I couldn’t imagine taking that away from him at a time like this
“Have you seen her?” Daniel asked suddenly, pulling me out of my own head.
“What?” I asked. “Who?”
“Caroline,” Daniel said, looking at me like I was an idiot. “Who the hell else would I be talking about?”
“Anyone,” I said, nudging his shoulder gently. “And yes, I’ve seen her.”
“So?” he asked, his eyes wide. “How did it go? Did you fuck her?”
“Dude.” I glared at him. “No. And don’t talk about her that way.”
“Sorry,” Daniel said, holding his hands up defensively. “I’m just curious. I mean, you haven’t seen this girl in years. She’s your long-lost love or some shit. How was it seeing her again?”
I paused. The truth was, things between Caroline and I never felt more complicated. As if our relationship wasn’t strained enough, we now had to cope with the fact that we might share a brother. Our past still hung over our heads, looming and dangerous, reminding us of all the reasons we shouldn’t be together. That, plus the news of our parents’ affair, made things tense and awkward.
When we left the bar that night, I didn’t know what to say to her. Part of me wanted to grab on to her, to hold her against me and never let her go. I felt so much comfort just by being in her presence that I never wanted to lose her ever again. Still, another part of me told me not to touch her. She was still deeply hurt by the way I ended things and now, she knew my mother was responsible for her father cheating on her mom. It was twisted.
“I don’t know,” I said. “It was okay, I guess. Things are still strained.”
“Because of the past?” Daniel asked. “You guys have to let that shit go. It doesn’t matter, not anymore.”
“I broke her heart,” I said. “That summer was intense, and I destroyed her. She loved me and I sent her away. I don’t know if she’ll ever be able to forgive that.”
“But that was my fault,” Daniel said. “Tell her to blame me. I’m the one who shot Eric. I’m the one who fucked everything up, not you.”
“You’re dying,” I said. “No one can be mad at you.”
“True.” Daniel said with a cocky grin. “I guess, you’re screwed then.”
“Fuck you,” I said.
Daniel laughed, and the sound brought a smile to my face. No matter how bad things got, he was still smiling. His death might be just around the corner, and yet he still saw the bright side of everything. I wished I could have that same outlook but I didn’t. To me, everything seemed lost.
“Listen,” I said. “I’m going to grab some food. Are you hungry?”
“Can’t eat until this is done,” Daniel said, gesturing toward the machine. “You go ahead, though.”
“All right,” I said. “I’ll be right back.”
Daniel nodded and I slapped his shoulder gently. As I left the room, I bypassed a few doctors and nurses, sliding down the hallway toward the cafeteria. In the few days since I’d been home, I’d grown accustomed to hospital food. I hurried toward the cafeteria, my stomach grumbling and my mind still preoccupied.
I knew it would take a while to get over the news of my mother’s affair with Caroline’s dad. It wasn’t something I could just forget about but I wished I could. If only so I could move forward with Caroline again. Deep down, I knew I still loved her. She was the only woman I’d ever felt something real for. That summer was both the best and worst summer of my life. I missed her every single second of the past seven years but that didn’t change anything. It didn’t change the past.
As I stepped around a corner, I came face to face with Caroline’s dad. I froze as his eyes locked on my face. We’d never been officially introduced but I knew who he was. From the look on his face, he knew me too.
“Mr. Michaelson,” I said, my voice tight.
“Dean,” he said with a nod.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, narrowing my eyes suspiciously.
“He glanced around him quickly to make sure no one was around. “I was just getting a DNA test done. For your brother.”
“Oh,” I said. “I guess that means Caroline spoke with you.”
“She did,” he said. “I also got tested for the kidney transplant.”
“You did?” I had to admit, I was shocked. Mr. Michaelson didn’t strike me as the type of man to do something kind without strings attached.
“I thought it was the right thing,” he said softly.
“I’m surprised you’re doing it here,” I said. “Someone may see you.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Well, I didn’t think I should wait.”
“Thank you,” I said and I meant it. “If this helps my brother, then, thank you.”
Mr. Michaelson nodded and glanced around him again. I could tell he was uncomfortable and I wasn’t thrilled about talking to him either. Still, I didn’t move. There were so many things I wanted to say to this man. About my mother. About Daniel. And Caroline. But in that moment, nothing came to mind. I just stared at him while he stared right back at me.
“You really hurt her,” he finally said. “You broke her heart.”
My stomach clenched. I nodded slowly and looked down at my feet, ashamed of myself and my actions.
“I know,” I said. “I was trying to protect her. I didn’t want Caroline to throw her life away for me.”
“Well, that’s something we have in common,” he said. I nodded slowly. “Still, she was a wreck for a long time after that. I don’t think she’s ever fully recovered.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I just wanted the best for her.”
“I appreciate that,” he said. “I may seem like a controlling bastard, and I guess in most ways I am, but I did truly want what was best for my daughter.”
We fell silent again. I thought about making an excuse to leave but I felt like Mr. Michaelson wasn’t done talking.
“Stay away from her,” he finally said. His voice was low but not threatening. When I met his eyes, I didn’t see anger or malice. I saw only concern. He truly cared about his daughter and was worried I would break her heart all over again. “She deserves better.”
“I know she does,” I said softly. “Trust me, I know.”
He nodded and turned to walk away. With one last glance at me, he rounded the corner and disappeared. I felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. As I stared after him, his words echoed in my mind.
I knew he would never think me good enough for his daughter and if I was honest, I didn’t blame him. Caroline was kind and good-hearted. She had an undeniable spirit that drew people in like gravity. Her beauty radiated out of her without any effort at all. I’d never met anyone like her and I knew I never would again. She was one of a kind. She was amazing. And, she did deserve better than me.
As I walked back to Daniel’s room, I realized I never ate. Suddenly, my stomach felt full as it churned with discomfort. Seeing Mr. Michaelson drove any thoughts of food from my mind. Still, I was glad to see him stepping up. Even if he did get a DNA test, he still got tested for the transplant too. I could tell he was worried for Daniel, even if he didn’t want to admit it.
Deep down, maybe Caroline’s dad wasn’t a bad person. He was conflicted, torn between a desire to hold on to his life and a desire to do the right thing. I knew we would never become friends, but in that moment, I was grateful to him.