“Time to get up.” A soft voice floated around me.
Half-dazed and feeling like death, I squinted. Not ready to face the day, I let my lids fall shut. I didn’t have the energy to do this. Couldn’t I have had just one more day to hide away from the rest of the world?
I sensed my body being lifted, and as a result, my left cheek stung as it peeled away from the cold hardwood floor. My back rested against the side of the mattress. My bones ached, and I groaned as my muscles complained about moving. Then a loud swooshing sound filled my ears and I squeezed my stomach, fighting against the barreling urge to throw up. “Ughh, Leez, what the hell?” I hunched over and grumbled.
“You drank the whole damn bottle!” Leeza pointed out, her face scrunched in disgust as she held the empty bottle up to emphasize her point. She removed Tyler’s wedding band from the floor and set it atop the nightstand next to our wedding picture.
“It isn’t what it looks like, and what do you care?” I lipped and realized my mistake a second too late.
She didn’t respond. She just pressed her lips together and cocked an eyebrow, silently warning me to tread carefully. Leeza was not the enemy and would not hesitate to put me in my place. She was the only person in my family who really cared, who didn’t show me any pity but also didn’t forget that my heart was shattered. She didn’t push or conform to the others who thought voicing their opinion was their goddamn right.
I sighed. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine. But you are not spending another day in hiding.” She pulled the shades open, letting the sunlight filter in. “The sun is out, and it looks like it’s going to be a beautiful day, a perfect way to kick off the long weekend. Let me take you to breakfast.”
“What long weekend?” Apparently, I had lost track of what day it was. Not that it mattered.
“Memorial Day weekend. Summer is right around the corner.”
“Oh.” I groaned at the thought of having to actually take a shower and wash my hair. Never mind finding something presentable to wear, or even having the energy to act civilized in the presence of humanity. Then take my miserable self to the cemetery.
“What if I cook us something?” I asked, knowing there was no way in hell I could possibly complete that task. My stomach roiled in protest at the mere thought of food, and in the next second, my hand was cupped over my mouth as I launched myself toward the bathroom.
I fell to my knees at the toilet and relieved my empty stomach, expelling nothing but the remnants of the amber poison. I sucked in deep breaths between gags, my eyes started to burn then water, and a rancid aftertaste lingered on my tongue.
Maybe this is what a slow death feels like.
“You should quit that shit, Lilly. Eventually, it’ll become a habit. The devil and that damn bottle are going to kill you.” Leeza crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the doorjamb. “There are far better and less destructive ways of grieving.” Not an ounce of pity. My sister was taking the polite, tough love route.
“Would that be such a bad thing?” I mumbled unintelligibly.
“What was that?” She cocked her head to the side, pinning her hard eyes on me.
“Nothing.”
“Lilly . . .”
“Dammit, Leeza, Ty’s dead!” My words came out harsher than I had intended, and my eyes narrowed in pain. The throbbing slowly traveled to the back of my head, but I continued, “It’s barely been a year and a half. What do you expect me to do? He’s fucking dead, and there’s not a goddamn thing I can do about it.”
I wiped the side of my mouth, pulled my aching body up from the floor, turned the faucet on, and hung my head over the bathroom sink. I wanted to continue to argue with her and tell her again that she had no idea what she was talking about, but this was Leeza. She may not have had firsthand experience with the pain this kind of loss brought, but she knew just how much it broke me.
“It isn’t like I have a problem. I hardly ever touch that shit.” A lie. I craved the comfort the bottle brought, and I needed that amber-colored savior to numb me from the lonely nights.
“I know you don’t. Not yet, at least. Keep running to that damn bottle, and you will.”
I sighed heavily, quickly losing fight.
“I’m in a house that Tyler never lived in. His presence is close to nothing, and I miss him,” I admitted. There was no reason for her to know he visited my dreams. I didn’t need my family worrying about me any more than they already did.
I looked up at her, hoping she could see how much this was killing me. Slowly losing touch of Tyler broke off another piece of my already fragile heart.
“Lilly . . .” She sighed.
“Not today. Please?” I begged quietly.
With my head still hanging over the sink, I silently pleaded with her to drop the Save Lilly Campaign.
“Fine, but you do know I am not letting you continue on in a drunken haze. It isn’t healthy, Lils—”
“Don’t call me that,” I snapped and clenched my teeth. It was hard enough hearing that nickname from RJ and Addie, but at the same time, it was strangely comforting. Like they owned the right to it because they were some of Ty’s best friends. I couldn’t stand to hear my sister use it.
She flinched. “I’m sorry, it just slipped.”
“It’s okay,” I whispered back. “I don’t think it’s fair to Tyler for me to just pick up and move on, live my life as if he never existed. It’s too soon.” She stepped into the bathroom and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. I was thankful for her comfort.
“I’ll let you have today.” She gently brushed my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. “I may even let you have tomorrow, but this tormenting yourself has to stop. It will stop. I’ll personally see to it.”
“I know,” I choked out on a whisper. Deep down, I knew her words were true, but what kind of person would that make me if I just picked up and moved on with my life—without him.
“Your mom and dad stopped by today. They asked how I was doing.” I sat on the cool grass and dusted the stray leaves from the granite slab. “They also brought me a box with some of your things. Your dad apologized for not getting it to me sooner and said that it was probably for the best that he waited as long as he did. Not gonna lie, I’m not sure how I feel about that.” I pulled a few blades of grass. “Your dad seems to be holding up okay, but it’s your mom who worries me.”
I looked at the pale blue sky, wishing it were cloudy and dark instead of clear and sunny. Though, it didn’t matter much to me beyond being a pointless observation.
“How is it up there? Are you okay?”
From the side of my eye, an unfamiliar male figure came into view. He casually made his way across the cemetery, and as I watched him, an odd feeling settled over me, which I found uncomfortable. He looked normal enough—neatly dressed with a bouquet of flowers hanging loosely in his hand. Then he stopped at a grave and stared for a bit before moving to another. I shrugged it off and continued with my visit.
“Your sister is getting married soon. I haven’t met the guy, but your dad says he’s nice.” I tucked my knees to my chest and rested my chin on them. “His name is Kyle. He’s actually from California, so it looks like they’re planning on making their life out west. But you might have already known some of this. She’s upset that you can’t be there.”
I waited, hoping somehow he’d miraculously join in on the conversation.
“I bet you’re wondering why I came back. Well, you can thank Leeza for that. She said I shouldn’t be on my own right now.” I wanted him to tell me I wasn’t alone.
“Maybe I believe her. I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I think I should at least try. What do you think?” A quiet sarcastic laugh escaped me, knowing damn well he wouldn’t answer. I tilted my head back to the sky again, this time taking in a long, deep breath before speaking.
“I wish I had an idea of what to do. Without you, I feel completely lost. There were so many things we never got to do,” I spoke softly. “The trips we were going to take, the family we were going to start, or the real wedding we were going to have. So many things—”
Movement stopped my words, and I cut my eyes to the left. It seemed as if the mysterious man was headed in my direction. My spine straightened while I kept him in my peripheral vision. When my internal voice warned me that he was getting uncomfortably close, I leaned toward Tyler’s headstone, pressed a kiss to my palm, and then gently skimmed my fingers across his name.
“I love you. I’ll visit later.”
I stood and turned toward my car, acting as casual as my nerves allowed. After a few steps, a tiny voice inside me said to look over my shoulder.
I turned.
Our eyes locked.
And for a split second, it was as if my feet were pinned to the earth beneath me. An undeniable force ordered me to go back, to go talk to the man, who was exquisitely handsome in an unworldly kind of way. His full beard was well kempt and his lips were pulled up in a warm and genuine smile. What really had me feeling faint was the intensity of his rustic honey-colored eyes.
They were the same color as Tyler’s eyes.
My heart skipped a beat, but not in fear. No, this feeling was entirely new and alien and unwanted. I didn’t smile back, and I didn’t wait for him to get close enough to talk to me before I turned and continued to my car.
In all these months, I had never reacted to anyone, let alone a man. My body tingled, awaking feelings inside me. Feelings I was not ready to acknowledge.
The second I sat in my car, I locked the doors, pulled the glove box open, and pretended to look for something. All the while, I watched curiously from over the dash as the man made his way to a gravestone not too far from Tyler’s.
Time ticked on, and my pulse returned to normal. I questioned why I had reacted the way I had as I turned back to the man. He stood there with his chin tucked to his chest, his lips moving, and I knew he was having a one-sided conversation of his own. Something about witnessing that gave me a sense of comfort.
I didn’t know that man, but we shared a common thread, the pain of loss.
Glancing over at Tyler’s grave one last time, I whispered, “I love you” before shifting the car into drive and taking off.