I’d been sitting in front of my laptop for the last two hours researching gamete freezing and Doctor Farrah Hardy, and my eyes were starting to burn. I understood the gist of it, but the process and procedures were not something to take lightly. There was also no guarantee it would work, not that any pregnancy came with a guarantee.
Without Tyler’s love and reassurance, fear had wedged its way in.
I stared at his letter I had sitting on the table next to my computer, becoming more and more irritated by the second. My mind rationalized every pro and con. Then my heart said I owed it to us to at least give the doctor a chance to explain.
“Good afternoon, Dr. Hardy’s office,” the receptionist answered.
“Hi, I’m calling to see if I could get a consult appointment with Doctor Hardy, please.” I repeatedly spun the doctor’s business card between my fingers as I spoke, nervous that I was even making this call.
“Of course, what day would work best for you?”
“Any day is fine.”
“All right, give me one moment to check our schedule. I do have to tell you, there is a bit of a wait.” There was a short pause, and my nerves kicked up a notch. I rested my forehead in my palm and fought against the little voice in my head that said to hang up.
“Well, it looks like our first available appointment isn’t for another six weeks.”
I sighed quietly. “Okay, that should be fine.”
“Perfect, could I get your name, please?”
“It’s Lilly Crenshaw-Gibson.”
“Thank you. Could I also get your address, please? There’s a packet of information that we’ll need to mail to you. If you could complete the required forms and mail that back to us that would really help.”
“Of course.”
I gave the receptionist all the necessary information, and she proceeded to give me the appointment date and time and that I would receive a reminder text a few days prior to the appointment. I jotted the info down on the brochure, thanked her for her time, and hung up.
Now what?
I had a little over a month to sit around and mull over a decision I had no idea how I was going to make. Was I strong enough to bring a baby—Tyler’s baby—into a one-parent family? Would that child grow up to hate me, thinking I had fulfilled a selfish dream and not take his or her well-being into account? Every child deserved a shot at a normal and happy home, one where both parents were present.
The fact that it had been three days since Easton and I had spoken broke through my thoughts. In a short matter of time, he stirred up feelings I wasn’t quite sure what to do with. Or maybe I did but was too afraid to acknowledge. One thing was for sure, he was quickly growing on me.
Sitting there absorbed in the inability to see where my future was headed, I let my hand drift to my phone and wished Easton would call. Hearing his voice would definitely soothe my nerves. Maybe he was waiting for me to take the lead, to make sure this was a two-way street.
Pressing my other hand to my lips, I thought about the kiss, the way he caressed my neck, and leaned in close. His tongue and the smooth strokes, the rumbling sound moving up through his chest . . .
Could I really be with another man? Tyler was the only one I’d ever been with, and when we weren’t together those few years, I couldn’t bring myself to be with anyone else. Sure, I’d been on a few dates, but none of them went any further than a peck on the cheek goodnight. That was how much Tyler had meant to me, or maybe how much I was hung up on him. I never wanted anyone else and always held out hope that he would somehow come back to me.
I’d assumed he’d been with other women, so when he told me differently, I’d laughed and called him a liar. All it took was one look at the anger in his eyes over my not believing him and the conviction in his continued declarations of faithfulness to change my tune.
I got up and went to the kitchen and rummaged through the fridge, which was pathetically empty. I knew if my mother were to see it, she would be horrified. She would also be horrified by just how much weight I’d lost.
With my hip pressed against the counter, I looked around the room. The quiet was deafening. Maybe I should’ve taken my parents’ offer and stayed in my old bedroom, at least I wouldn’t have been alone. I would have had someone to talk to, but then I came up with a better idea.
I grabbed my phone and pulled up Addie’s number. Just as I was about to hit the call button, Easton’s name flashed on the screen.
“Hey,” I answered with an automatic smile.
“Hi, Sunshine.”
“Now, it’s Sunshine, huh? What happened to sunflower?” I teased the ridiculous pet name.
“I think Sunshine sounds a lot better, don’t you?”
“I do, so what have you been up to?” I moved to the living room, sat in the corner of the couch, and tucked one leg under the other, interested in hearing what had been keeping him busy these last few days.
“Not a whole lot. Been trying to find the part I need. Do you know I have called practically every store in the southern half of Georgia before finally finding it?” He laughed a little out of breath. “Do you have any plans today?”
“Not yet, why?”
“Well, if you aren’t busy and wouldn’t mind going for a drive, I’d love your company.”
“Okay, what time should I meet you?”
“What if I came by and picked you up?” I froze. Was I ready to have Easton know where I lived or in my space? He lowered his voice, and I appreciated how he just knew. “Hey, if it’s too much, we can meet here. Whatever works for you, is good with me.”
I gave it another quick thought.
“Here or there, whichever is easiest for you is fine with me.”
“It’s settled then, I’ll be there in an hour.”
“All right, I’ll be ready.”
“Great! I’ll see ya.” I could hear the smile in his voice.
“See ya.” He hung up.
Barely two seconds ticked by before he called me back.
“Miss me already?” I joked.
“Honestly?”
I knew if I said yes, he would have said something I might not have been ready to hear. “You have no idea where I live and need directions?” I pressed my lips together, trying to hold back my giggle.
“Yeah, I was so excited when you agreed, I forgot to ask.”
“I’ll text you my address.”
“All right, that’s a good idea. I’ll see you in an hour.”
“See ya.”
I hung up, texted Easton my address, and tossed the phone on the couch. I rushed to the bathroom for a quick shower and was ready with fifteen minutes to spare. I locked up and sat out on the front step. As much as I enjoyed Easton’s company, I needed a little more time before I allowed him into my space.
An old truck with the flower shop’s name on the door pulled up, and I stood and waited for him to stop.
“Hi,” I greeted as he pushed the door open and I climbed in. The second I closed the door, I became preoccupied by his warm smile and masculine scent. On any given day, Easton was a looker, but today, my eyes saw him in a different light. He was such a positive force pulling me to him, and he did it effortlessly.
“Hi.” He leaned over, kissed my cheek, and then settled back into his own space. “This is a nice place. Secluded and green, I like it.”
“Thank you. My dad had the cottage built for my mother as an anniversary present. A place for them to run away together when time was limited.”
He nodded.
“So, how have you been?” I buckled my seat belt and turned to face him.
“Good and you?”
“Okay, I guess.” I shrugged, but it was the truth. I wasn’t good or bad, so somewhere in between sounded about right.
“I passed what looked like a dock; do you swim out here at all?”
“Not anymore.”
The dock was the one place I had steered clear of since Tyler had died. The memories it held would just be too much to revisit. Thank goodness, Easton left it alone as we drove by.
We pulled onto the highway, and after putting a few miles of asphalt behind us, I relaxed into the hum of the tires. Basking in the comfort of his presence, knowing I wasn’t alone. It also didn’t bother me one bit that I had no idea where we were headed.
“So what have you been up to these last couple of days?” He reached over and changed the radio station to a light rock station; I sank into my seat and relaxed.
“Not a whole lot really. I’ve just hung out at home. I really don’t have much to do.”
“Do you work at all?” he asked.
“Not at the moment, but I’m thinking I should start looking for something soon. I’m kind of going stir crazy.” I laughed softly. I hoped he didn’t think I was lazy or worse, took advantage of the system, but I really didn’t need to work. Not that I would depend on the money I had sitting in the bank forever, but I probably could if I wanted to, which I didn’t. It was just that I wasn’t ready to put myself back into the work force. Not many employers would tolerate my mood swings.
“You’re more than welcome to come and hang out at the shop whenever you’d like. I’m usually there. I don’t get out much, either.” His eyes found mine, and heat pooled low in my belly.
“Thanks. I appreciate that. Tell me more about your brother and sisters.”
“You’re doing it again.”
“What?” I answered coyly. I couldn’t help it. If I started to ask questions, he’d return with a question of his own. And I wasn’t ready for that. This was my way of playing it safe.
“Only wanting to hear about me and not share anything about you. You don’t play fair.”
“Never said I did.” I bit my tongue to avoid bursting out in a fit of laughter.
“Oh, I’ll get you to play fair,” he mumbled.
“This is how this is going to work.” I rolled my eyes toward the top of the cab, pretending I wasn’t the least bit interested. “We’ll have a tradeoff. I’ll tell you something and then it’ll be your turn. Deal?”
I pondered the thought. ”Deal.”
“Good. Let’s see . . . Sophia is eighteen, Margo is sixteen, and Fiona is almost fifteen. Then there’s my brother, Kipp—he’s twelve. Your turn.” He smirked.
“Let’s see. Max is the oldest and recently divorced, Nick is . . . I have no idea what Nick is up to these days, and Dane is the youngest of the boys. I’m the closest to him, but he’s been gone, doing God only knows what for a few years and only recently moved back. And then there’s my only sister, Leeza, she owns the salon not too far from the flower shop.” I tossed him a smile. “Your turn.”
He winked but didn’t take his eyes off the road this time. “I’ve been out of the loop with my sisters lately. But I do know that Sophia got accepted to UDubb. My brother is an awesome skateboarder. His dad started teaching him when he was about three years old, entered him in his first competition at six, and he won his first trophy at seven.”
“He must be really good.”
“He is. He’s one of the top contenders in his age bracket. Each time I’ve seen him compete, I was in complete awe of his dedication and skill—kid can rip shit up.”
“Do you get to see him often?”
“Before moving here I did. I made it a point to see him at least once a week and hang out, even if it was only for an hour or so. It’s always been important to me that he knows I’m there, you know?”
The way his face lit up as he paid homage to his little brother warmed me. His involvement and seeing how proud he was of him gave me the impression he might make a good father one day.
“I was a cheerleader in high school,” I said without giving it much thought.
“I bet you looked real cute in your short skirt, breaking all them boys’ hearts,” he drawled and winked. I felt the blush creeping up, and I had no idea why I had mentioned that piece of old information.
“So where are we headed?”
“Statesboro, and don’t change the subject.” He chuckled. “Tell me more about this cute little skirt you used to parade around in?”
“You’re such a guy.” I playfully smacked his arm and laughed.
Easton reminded me so much of Tyler when he would show off his playful side. There was hardly ever a time when Tyler wasn’t joking or goading me about something or another. The thought made my stomach twist and my heart warm at the same time.
“I have no idea why I even mentioned that. It was totally off topic.”
“It’s a little piece of who you were.”
“Yeah, I guess.” I turned to face the window and watched the world pass me by while I let his words sink in. I wasn’t sure how to deal with this emotional person I had become. It was too much and all at once.
We must have sat there, with nothing but the radio playing for a while until the sound of Easton’s voice called for my attention.
“Water?” He handed me the bottle.
“Thank you.” I set it on my lap and got a good look at his profile. He really was a handsome guy, but it was his kindness and thoughtfulness that I was grateful for and secretly attracted to. “How long did you play soccer for?”
“Twelve or thirteen years. I started when I was five.”
“Oh, you’re one of those career jocks.” I bit the corner of my lip.
“You could say that. I was a hyper kid. My grandmother said I needed a positive outlet to burn all of my energy on. The funny part—I totally sucked at it. I always played full back. Do you know how boring that position is? I used to sit there most times, pulling out weeds and sing to myself because the ball never came to me. After each game, my grandmother would always tell me how well I played.” He smirked and shook his head. “Then it all changed around the time I turned ten. The kid playing goalie got sick, and I got thrown into his position, which had become my position. I had found my niche.” He smiled. “It was probably halfway through the season of my freshman year when my coach said he wanted me playing on his varsity team.”
“Wow, that good, huh?”
“Statistically, yes. It also helped that Craig Martin got busted for smoking weed behind the auto shop building. Idiot.” I chuckled. “He got kicked off the team, and I became the new goalie. But I never cared too much about titles. My coach, who I looked up to and respected, told us that no matter how good each of us was, we should always remember there was someone out there better.”
“That doesn’t sound so encouraging,” I interrupted.
“It actually was—think about it. Think about that cocky quarterback you used to cheer for.” He laughed. “God, what I would give to have seen you in that little skirt.” I rolled my eyes. “Or that baseball player that got drafted to the major leagues right out of high school. Tell me they didn’t have egos as high as the Empire State Building?”
“Well, when you break it down like that, yeah, I guess you have a point.”
“I know I do. What people forget is that the limelight only shines for a short period of time, so there is no point in letting it go to our heads. So, our players put our energy into making the team the best it could be. I might have ranked among some of the best in the league, but I couldn’t win the game on my own.”
His words gave me goose bumps. “I like the way you think.”
“Keeps me grounded.”
“I can see that.”
Eventually, Easton pulled off the highway and into the parking lot of a shopping center. Before getting out of the truck, he shifted in his seat facing me with his arm dangling off the top of the steering wheel. “Lilly?”
I swallowed hard. I couldn’t look at him. If I did, I would be met by rustic honey-colored eyes, and I was sure it would make me feel more than I was ready to acknowledge.
“Yes.”
“Will you look at me, please?” He slid his finger under my chin, turning my face to look at him. “Lilly, I like you.” I froze. “I like you a lot, and I know what I said the other night, but I needed you to know.” I smiled an uneasy smile. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you these past few days, and I don’t want to go days on end without talking to you . . . or kissing you,” he whispered the last part. “I want to kiss you now, but by your lack of response and the way your body is tense, I’m guessing against it.”
If I were being totally honest with myself, I would admit that I liked him, too. I just lacked the confidence I needed to admit my feelings aloud. It would be too much of a betrayal.
Easton sighed and pushed his door open. “Why don’t we grab that part before they close up shop?”
I nodded and forced myself out of the truck. Stuck on his words, I struggled with not giving him some kind of response. When the light in his eyes dimmed, my heart dropped. I needed to be mindful of his feelings; it could very well change in a matter of minutes, and I didn’t want him getting the impression they weren’t mutual on some level.
As we approached the front of the parts and supplies store, a mannequin in the window of a little boutique two stores down grabbed my attention.
“Hey.” I clutched on to Easton’s arm. “Do you mind if I take a look at that shop over there?”
“Go ahead, I’ll come and find you when I’m done.”
“Thank you.” I gave him another easy smile and headed toward the boutique.
I entered the shop, and within seconds, my eyes had already gone on a wild shopping spree. There were so many cute tops and sundresses with sandals to match. I didn’t think I’d ever been in a store that had so many things catch my eye all at once. The young store clerk greeted me with a smile and offered her help. I thanked her and headed straight for the racks.