After my run-in with the handsome stranger, whose name I didn’t have the good sense to get, I had no clue as to how I should process my feelings, or even if I should. My mind was on repeat, questioning why I would react to a man I had barely met. How my body had tingled and flushed when acknowledging him.
Unfortunately, each time I went to visit Tyler’s grave, the stranger was nowhere to be found. I would arrive with high hopes and leave with a sense of hopelessness, my disappointment growing a bit more each time. On the bright side, I didn’t touch a lick of whiskey, or wine for that matter. On the not so bright side again, that meant Tyler had been absent from my dreams.
I hoped tonight was a different story.
“Please be gentle with my heart,” I whispered and pulled the letter out of the envelope, determined to finish reading his final words. Just seeing his handwriting on the page had a tear slipping from my eye. “Please, Lord, give me strength.” I gently set aside the pages that I had previously read and took a deep breath.
With that being said, there is something I need to tell you.
My heart sank.
What could he possibly have to tell me? We learned early on that secrets had no business in our relationship so, naturally, my mind came up with the worst-case scenario. I trusted Tyler completely, but in the back of my mind, that little voice taunted me, questioning if he had ever been with anyone else. Was this his way of absolving his sins? He very well could have been with another woman and kept it to himself. If that were the case, I prayed like hell he took his confession to his grave.
Get your head out of the gutter, woman.
Take a deep breath. I’m positive you’re going to need it. I’ve needed a few breaths of my own.
I have no idea how to write this. I wish I could see your reaction, kiss your face, tell you instead of write it, but . . . damn my hands are shaking. Give me a minute.
By the change in his handwriting, it was obvious he was nervous when he wrote this. I took another deep breath.
Remember that argument we had when you went to your daddy and asked him for the down payment on the house you wanted?
I knew exactly the disagreement he was talking about. In a desperate attempt at making my dreams complete, just days after going to my father asking if he would help us with a down payment for a house I had no business dreaming of, I stopped taking my birth control pills, without discussing it with him—desperate for a baby—Tyler’s baby. Hence the reason for the house; I wanted to fill all four bedrooms with my and Tyler’s children.
Reliving the memory, I could envision him raking his hand roughly across the top of his shaved head, pouting, huffing out hot breaths.
“Lilly, you cannot run to your daddy every time you want somethin’.” His drawl was thick. “He will never look at me like the man I should be.” He had sat on the edge of the bed holding his head in his hands, cussing under his breath. “Like the man that is supposed to provide and take care of you. It’s my job, god dammit.” His voice was hot, tipping the edge of angry.
“And why on earth would you not talk to me about stopping your pills? Don’t you think that’s a selfish decision? If we have a baby, I can’t leave. Do you know how much it would kill me to not be there with the two of you? How much of that child’s life I would miss . . .” He had stood and sucked in a deep breath through clenched teeth, his hands trembling at his sides.
At the time, I hadn’t seen it through his eyes. I just wanted to help, and it certainly wasn’t my intention to make him feel any less of a man.
Tears burned my eyes and the back of my throat, remembering everything about that moment. The selfish part of me couldn’t believe he wouldn’t give me that piece of him, the one thing I could hold on to, would always have from him.
Well, what if I said I could make your dreams come true?
Confused, I read his last sentence again.
When it still didn’t make any sense, I read it one more time.
I set the page to the side with the others and held my breath, afraid to continue.
I have no idea how you’re going to take this.
After some serious late-night talks with my buddy Casales, I came to the conclusion that I needed to do this for you and then you’d have the choice to choose. This is all really up to you, baby. Whatever you choose, Lilly, it’s all up to you.
There is another letter at the bottom of the box. When you think you might be ready to read what I have to tell you, grab a glass of wine, think about me, and know I’m smiling from above, so in love with you.
Always in love with you.
~Ty
What did I just read? Or still had to read—when I thought I was ready.
My mind did a loop, my heart sped up, and the worst-case scenario I concocted earlier multiplied tenfold. Not having a clue as to what to do next, I wandered into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of red wine sitting on the counter. It was already open and a glass seemed like a waste of time, so I popped the cork and took a swig. So much for not drinking. Oh, well.
From where I stood, leaning my hip against the counter, I had a perfect view of that box. The same box that held another letter from Tyler, one of which I had no idea even existed. I mean, I knew the first one would be in there, but I didn’t expect a second one.
I held the bottle loosely between my fingers as I tried to come up with an idea as to what Tyler had done.
Nothing made sense.
I was drawing blanks.
Keeping my eyes glued to the box, I pressed the bottle to my lips and drank until everything in me started to burn. Only then did I discard the half empty bottle and head back to the couch.
I tucked myself in one corner and faced the box.
I stared at the box.
I silently cursed the box.
Finally, I reached for the damn thing and opened it.
Just as Ty wrote, a thick envelope sat at the bottom, and I tried to imagine what could be tucked inside, still drawing blanks.
Eventually, I found the courage to pull the envelope out, my hand shaking the entire time, and then I took another deep breath. Just like peeling off a Band-Aid, I tore the flap open and pulled another letter out.
Along with the letter, there was a brochure for a fertility center. I separated the two and a business card fell into my lap. Confused, I set the brochure aside and unfolded the letter.
Lilly,
This next letter might confuse the heck out of you. Here I was telling you to move on and now this. I just wanted you to have a choice. The best of both worlds—sort of. After a lot of thought and some research, I took Casales’s advice.
He’s been on four tours, and although he and his wife have three beautiful children, they’ve always wanted a large family. He told me he would never deny her that, and in the event he never made it back to her, she could still carry on his legacy—if she chose to.
I had so many questions. God the questions, Lils, they seemed endless. And I had no idea how you would take to me doing something like this, which is why you’re only reading about this now. The brochure is for the clinic where I did something called gamete freezing. My sperm is frozen in the event you decide to go through with the artificial insemination process.
Breathe, baby. This is a lot to take in.
If I know you, you’re shocked as hell, and I know this will never compare to the two of us raising a family together, but here’s your chance for a baby.
A part of me—and a part of you.
This might be selfish of me. Hell, you’re probably calling me every colorful name in the damn book, but if I know you, you’re wondering how and why. Why now, when I’m gone. I can’t give you a reasonable answer other than I wanted to give you the choice. If this is something you want, I wanted to be able to give it to you. I would have given you the world had it been in my power to do so.
Please know this wasn’t an easy decision for me. I won’t be there to help you, and that thought alone kills me. We always had a hard time coming to a decision when it came to starting a family, but I always knew that eventually I would. So, at least I can keep that promise to myself.
Take some time, Lilly, heck, take all the time you want, but whatever you do, please don’t rush into this. Whether you decide to go through with it or not, I want you to do what you feel is right for you instead of feeling obligated to do it. Let your heart decide.
If you have questions or need someone to talk to, Helena Casales, Joe’s wife, is willing to help you in any way she can. Just call her if you need to (803) 415-5656.
Please call Dr. Hardy, she knows all about my situation and is willing to help you as well.
I love you. Always in love with you.
Your Ty
What did I just read?
What the fuck did I just read?
I clenched my teeth and pushed out deep breaths through my nose. Shock didn’t even touch the emotions that took over me.
“Now! Of all the things you could have done for me. You decide—when you’re not here—that you want to give me baby?” My throat burned, and in a split second, my body incited a mountain of emotions: anger, joy, hurt, and love ran through me. It was so fast that I had no idea how to react reasonably.
An all-consuming rage forced a scream from deep in my chest.
“Fuck you, Tyler!” I stood, as if standing would help damper the anger. “And you thought I was selfish?” I spat toward the ceiling, questioning, praying that for once he would give me answer.
Some kind of sign.
Anything.
My hands shook, my vision tunneled, and all I could think about was the pain his words induced. Never in my life had my entire being felt like it had been pummeled to the ground from mere words. The wracking sobs took over, and I swore to God that I was having an out of body experience.
I ran to my bedroom and came to a skidding stop. The picture of the two of us on our wedding day came into view. With my heart hammering in my chest, I rushed over to Tyler’s side of the bed and punched his pillow.
“Why, Tyler? Why . . . God, you drive me insane,” I screamed, choking out my words, and then held my breath. My lungs burned like a motherfucker as I struggled to breathe.
I hated this life—hated living it without him.
I grabbed his pillow and whacked it against the mattress.
Repeatedly.
Over and over, until my arms grew weak.
I wanted to hurt him for hurting me, for leaving.
For making me feel this way.
For giving me some kind of twisted hope.
“All those years when you could have had some kind of presence in our child’s life, but you weren’t ready,” I screamed out. My arms ached, and a sharp, slicing pain seared through my chest. “Now, you decide you were ready! When I would be all alone!”
With all the force my body could muster, I threw his pillow across the room, knocking over our wedding picture. I fell to my knees with my face in my hands, asking myself what I was supposed to do. Why! Why now? Oh, god! I needed my sister—before I hurt someone, which would most likely end up being myself.
My stomach twisted into a million tiny knots, summoning a sob to break through my chest. There was still a very real chance I could have the one thing from Tyler that I’d always wanted—a piece of the both of us—together.
“Why would you do this to me?” I whispered through the ugly tears, the fight I had in me seconds ago, disappearing each time I exhaled.
I still wasn’t sure if I should call Leeza, or just sit there and cry.
“God, what am I supposed to do? How do I move on from this?” I begged for the answers I so desperately needed. I needed a minute to think this all through, even though I would need a million minutes to think this through.
“You’re never coming back. Now what?”
I had so many questions, and this was such a huge decision to make. Tyler was giving me a chance at the one thing I had always wanted. I could bring a child into this world and carry on his legacy or I could choose not to go through with it and my husband would forever rest in peace.