Days passed where I barely made it out of bed or off the couch, and I refused to answer anyone’s calls, even Leeza’s. I loved my sister dearly, but I couldn’t handle her trying to find the silver lining in this situation.
I spent hours torturing myself with sappy love movies or staring off at nothing, contemplating what life would be like if he had chosen a different career path. If he went to college or even went to pilot school. What our life would have been like if he was still alive.
Besides, there wasn’t much else to do otherwise. No dirty dishes left in the sink to wash, no need to restock the fridge or the cabinets, and no laundry to wash. Why would there be when I’d been living in the same sweatpants and one of Tyler’s T-shirts for days.
The television had been on for a while. I lay there watching the credits to the last movie that was playing come to an end before it cuts to a commercial for dog food, then one for an assisted living senior center. That was when I lost it.
We were supposed to grow old together.
What did he want me to do? I looked around the empty room, as if the answer were hidden in the paint or carpet fibers. Why couldn’t he have said this was something he needed me to do? For us. Why leave me with having to make such a huge decision all on my own? I pulled the blanket up and over my head, tucked my hands under the pillow, and cried.
So sick of crying, I cried even more.
My swollen eyes slowly made their way down to my flat belly, envisioning what it would look like swollen with his child. If I decided to go through with it, would I always look at our child and resent him or her? Would I look at that sweet baby and think he or she was a replacement, a consolation prize? There was no way in my current unstable state that I could carry a child.
Maybe I wouldn’t ever be ready.
That thought sent my whole world spinning. What would Tyler think of me if I didn’t go through with it? Would he hate me somehow for not carrying on his family name? Would he turn away and never visit my dreams again, too hurt that I wouldn’t do this in memory of him, of us?
The black hole surrounding me only grew bigger and bigger with each new question, with each passing day. Soon I would be pushed over the edge, deeper into the depths without ever finding my way back.
Then, somehow during the night, everything changed.
I took heed to Leeza and her tough love when she came over last night to check in, desperately pleading with me to let her help. To let her get me some help. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t need to spill my problems to some shrink, only to have them to turn my words around and psychoanalyze me. I just needed time and another dose of long overdue whiskey.
When I had lain in bed last night, I was Lilly Crenshaw-Gibson, widow to Tyler Gibson. When I woke this morning, I was still Lilly Crenshaw-Gibson, Tyler’s widow, but with an alternate outlook on my life.
Grieving the death of my husband, I lost myself along the way. No, I hadn’t lost my way. I’d sat down on the damn path and refused to budge, allowing the rain and snow and burning sun to decimate what was left of my battered heart and soul. That inside turmoil was reflecting outward onto my appearance, and by just looking at me, anyone could tell I was a wreck.
Yesterday, it hadn’t mattered. Why should it have? At the time, I wanted nothing more than to be left alone and wither away into a cloud of dust. Each day, another piece of my heart chipped away at the realization that Tyler was never coming back.
Today, I eyed my split ends critically as I wandered to the kitchen and yanked open the fridge. As I peered at the condiments and questionable containers of to-go food, I decided I would take Leeza up on her offer. Today was the day for a change—at least the start of it.
An hour later, I stood in the doorway of Vanity Salon, the salon Leeza owned.
My eyes traced each one of the fancy turquoise-and-white letters etched into the glass. I took in a deep breath, closed my eyes for a split second, and pushed the door in.
The entire salon was bathed in white-and-turquoise accents. Eye-catching pendant lights hung throughout, giving it a warm and inviting feel.
“Hey, Lilly, how are you?” Tamra rounded the high-top reception desk and gave me a big hug. “It’s so good to see you.” It felt good to hear the welcome in her voice and not the normal sympathy I was used to receiving.
“Better, but I’ll be good after I get rid of all this hair and put some life back into it.”
She nodded knowingly and smiled.
“Lilly!” Leeza called from across the room. “Get over here,” she hollered, her beaming smile blinding me.
Taking this baby step as my first initiative to move forward was huge, and my sister knew just how much.
“I’m so glad you decided to do this.” She pulled me in for a hug and whispered, “This is good. This’ll be good for you.” When she pulled back, I caught a glimpse of her sad smile, but she covered it quickly when she clasped her hands together and swayed a bit to the music playing in the background. “You ready?”
“I am, and you sound way too happy about my letting you have at my hair.”
“Sit,” she ordered, pointing to the salon chair and continuing to smile.
“I’m not a dog you know.” I smiled back.
“Didn’t say you were.” I did as she asked and watched as she bustled about, preparing her station for my transformation.
Bringing a turquoise cape around my front, she snapped it in place behind my neck, and I remembered all those times growing up when she would practice her pampering on me. Since she and I were the only two girls in a family of five, I was always the lucky one who got poked and prodded with some styling tool or bathed in the new smelly product. Well, unless our brother Dane had lost some kind of wager against her. I can’t even begin to count the times he was forced into letting Leeza paint his fingernails and toenails.
“All right, what am I allowed to do here?” She set her foot on the foot pedal, raising my chair higher.
“Cut, color”—I shrugged—“surprise me.” I couldn’t believe I was giving her free reign over my transformation, but I really did trust her. “Just don’t use this as payback for that one time I stuck gum in your hair.”
“I love you,” she said, beaming a megawatt smile, revenge an afterthought.
Leeza kissed the top of my head and then combed her fingers through my dull and lifeless locks. Standing there in a trance, she visualized and plotted, mentally creating her finished product. “I’ll be right back.”
I nodded and waited.
“Hey, Lilly, can I get you anything to drink or read while you wait?” Tamra asked. “We have tea, water, or coffee.” She continued sweeping the station next to me. “A magazine to read?”
“I’m good for now, but thank you.”
“You bet. Let me know if you change your mind.” She smiled and finished sweeping, leaving me to stare at my reflection in front of me. I pictured who the woman in the mirror would look like once Leeza was done. If I had to admit, I was a little nervous. Make that a whole lot nervous. Even though I had the utmost trust in my sister and knew she would do an exceptional job, I was a little uncertain of whether this was a good place to start. What if the look she visualized didn’t match me? Or worse, I hated all of her hard work? That was about the same time she reappeared locked and loaded, ready to work.
“Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
Leeza paused, looking at me through the mirror. “I meant when you’re done. You ready to start fresh?”
Was I? Could it be possible that the time had come to put one foot in front of the other? To give this a fair shot? I thought I was ready, but there was only one way to find out. I nodded and swallowed hard. “Ready.”
“Sit back and relax.”
I sat there, quiet with a death grip on my cell phone as she foiled and colored. What color? I had no idea, and I didn’t bother to ask. It was too late for that, anyway.
“So . . . have you given it anymore thought?”
“Not a whole lot.” I watched her closely as she added another foil to my head. “I’ve been trying to picture what life would be like if I did go through with it.” I stopped and took a silent breath. Tears were already threatening, and I didn’t want to cry anymore—well, not today at least. “I’ve always wanted this, Leez, but now that he’s not here . . . I’m not so sure anymore.”
She nodded. “That’s totally understandable. And it isn’t a situation to take lightly.” Her eyes shifted off somewhere, but she softened her voice. “I’m sorry to say this, but I’m a little pissed at him for springing this on you the way he did. I know how much you wanted a family with Tyler . . . but how is it the same without him here to help you?”
She had a damn good point.
“I still don’t know the answer to that, but I think I owe it to myself to at least talk to the doctor. Get some answers, go from there. Don’t you think?” I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“At this point, that would be the best decision.” She stopped what she was doing, held on to the seat back, and looked at me through the mirror. “Just promise me that whatever you decide, you are deciding what is best for you.”
“I will.” At the very least, I would try. This whole thing seemed impossible, though. Between the happiness over him giving me this and the guilt of possibly needing not to take the gift, I didn’t know what to do. Time. I needed time. So, I would take all I needed. There was no real rush. Not yet, at least.
“Good. Now let me do my thing.” She smirked and slipped into her element as I turned my attention to my phone. After forty minutes or so, it was time for my favorite part—the shampooing. “All right, let’s go and wash this out.”
One by one, she pulled the foils from my hair, letting the warm water caress my scalp. The tingles mixed with the clean and expensive smell of the shampoo was like heaven. Leeza never skimped on quality and always used the best products. I lay there, thoroughly enjoying the extra time she took massaging my scalp.
“Um, Lilly . . .” Leeza giggled while massaging my head. “You’re moaning.”
“Can’t help it.” I smiled wide. “You keep giving me scalp orgasms.” I clenched my teeth and curled my toes as ripples of euphoria passed through me. I opened my eyes just in time to see her throw her head back and have a good laugh at my expense.
“Oh my goodness, that’s hilarious. I’m so going to steal that.” She snorted softly before mumbling, “Scalp orgasms.”
It felt good to laugh, especially since it really had been too long.
Back at my chair, I watched as she snipped and the chunks of hair fell to the floor.
“So, what about you? Any new prospects?”
It had been some time since I saw my sister out with a man.
“Nope.”
“And why not?” Leeza was gorgeous. She always had a man with his tongue hanging out, wagging his tail after her. But I had a strong hunch she was still hung up on her ex, regardless of how much she denied it.
“I needed a break from all that drama. Plus, I have the salon to think about, which takes up the majority of my time.” She put her entire focus on cutting my hair for a minute. Then she huffed, looking irritated. “I’m also stressed having to do the business part. I’m a creative person, Lilly, not a business one, that’s you.”
“Makes sense I guess.”
“Oh, by the way, Dane called.” I met her eyes in the mirror, wondering where she was going with this. I hadn’t talked to any of my brothers since the funeral.
“Yeah? What’d he have to say?”
She stopped cutting, and I was beginning to wonder if she would ever finish.
“He called to see how you were doing, if I thought it would be okay if he stopped by for a visit.”
“And what did you tell him?”
“I wasn’t sure and that I would have to check with you first.” She sighed. “He’s our brother, Lilly—he’s just worried about you.”
“I know. Maybe I’ll give him a call.”
“That’s a good idea. He did say that if you need someone to take care of the truck—you know, change the oil and stuff—he’d be glad to help.”
“Thanks. I may need to take him up on that.” It would be a shame to let Tyler’s truck go to shit.
By the time she was done blow-drying and curling, I knew all my worrying had all been for nothing. My sister spun my chair to face me toward the mirror.
“Lilly Crenshaw-Gibson, meet the improved and gorgeous, I might add, Lilly Crenshaw-Gibson.”
My eyes went wide as I sat in awe of the beautiful work Leeza had done. Approximately six inches shorter, my hair sat right below my shoulders. Fiery and vibrant red highlights gave it the life it had been lacking. It was the complete opposite of the long and dull mousy brown it was a short while ago.
“Thank you. I love it,” I complimented, sat up straight, and turned my head from side to side.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.” I gave her a reassuring smile. “I needed this, and I really do love it.”
She passed me a handheld mirror, and spun me around once more to take a look at the back. I loved everything about it from the length to the color to the cut. It made me feel fresh and ready for a brand new start.
“You look beautiful. This really is a good place to start.”
“You did a great job.”
She squeezed my shoulders and then undid the snaps on the cape. I stood and gave her another big hug, making sure to squeeze her extra tight.
“Thank you again,” I whispered before taking a step back. “All right, what’s my damage?”
“No damage, I’m glad I could do this. That’s what sisters are for.” She gently grabbed my arms and squeezed, silently telling me she would always be there to help me in any which way she could. That is what sisters are for.
“I appreciate this, Leez . . . a lot.”
She nodded in a don’t-mention-it kind of way. “So, what do you have planned next?” she asked while walking us toward the front. “Tamra, this one’s on me.”
“You got it, boss,” Tamra answered, sporting a huge grin. “You look stunning, Lilly.”
“Thanks. Leeza did a great job.” I turned back to my sister. “Maybe I should hit these little shops and find something cute to wear, even though I have nowhere to wear it to.”
“Lilly . . .”
“Hey, don’t worry about me. This . . .” I said as I combed my fingers through the ends of my hair. “This is the start to the new and improved Lilly. I’m gonna be okay; it’s just going to take a little getting used to.” I could only hope it would be okay.
“Why don’t you stop by Mrs. Wilkes? I bet she has more sunflowers in stock and would love to see you.”
“I’ll do that. Maybe I can find some tulips or something for the house. Does she still keep that little bucket of lollipops with the bubble gum in the middle on the counter?”
“Sure does.” She gave me that knowing smile.
Those lollipops had always been the highlight of our days when our mother dragged us along for her weekly trip to the flower shop. Leeza smiled, sensing I wouldn’t miss stopping by now. “We should do dinner or something this weekend, maybe next?”
“I’d like that.”
I really did want to try.
“Good.” She smiled, and we hugged one last time.
I stepped out onto the sidewalk, turned my face toward the sky, and closed my eyes. The warm sun kissed my cheeks, and I allowed myself the briefest of moment to imagine it was Tyler’s warmth. Then I turned my attention straight ahead and strolled down the sidewalk.
Cars lined the street, the cobblestone sidewalk was uneven beneath my feet, and I held my breath as I passed the coffee shop. Seconds later, I pulled the door open to Mrs. Wilkes quaint corner store flower shop and stopped in my tracks.
The place was a mess.
Hydration buckets were scattered about, and stacks of boxes took up quite a bit of floor space. It was either they got a large shipment in or they were packing to close up shop.
Back behind the counter, Mrs. Wilkes was busy wrapping a bundle of calla lilies while talking to her customer. Another patron waited patiently in line with her head buried in her phone, so I decided to wander around, careful not to bump into anything as I took in the inventory.
I bent to smell a bunch of pink roses, smiling and taking in a deep breath. They had always been Leeza’s favorite. I moved about, smelling some of my favorites until a loud popping sound made me jump. What I assumed was a motor to one of the two refrigeration coolers fizzled to silence.
“Shit!” a deep, voice cursed, and Mrs. Wilkes gasped.
“Easton,” she scolded. “We have customers.”
“Sorry, Aunt Millie,” the man’s voice called, and it sent a tiny shiver down my arms. I waited to see if I would hear him again. When I didn’t, I craned my neck back a bit to see if I could put a face to that voice.
Sticking halfway out from behind the cooler was a guy in faded blue jeans. His T-shirt had risen up, leaving a few visible inches of muscular tanned skin and a deliciously lean waist.
“Looks like I’m going to have to make a trip to the hardware store,” he called, still hiding. Not wanting to get busted checking out the guy, I turned to face the vast selection of flowers again.
“All right, let me get you some money.”
“It’s okay, Aunt Millie, I got it.”
The voice was exceptionally close, and when I turned, I ran smack dab into hard muscle, smashing the bouquet of tulips I had just picked up. I hadn’t realized I was falling until strong hands were saving me from face-planting the hard floor.
“I’m so sorry.” The words rolled smoothly over my skin.
Being this close made me understand why I was drawn to that voice. If I opened my eyes, I bet I would find a man who had a particular shade of eyes that hypnotized me.
“Miss?” He spoke low, and I held my breath.
When I opened my eyes, my knees buckled slightly, and I was thankful he still had a hold of me.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, sounding like an idiot. “I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” I stepped to the side, missing his strong hands the second they left my skin.
“Sunflower girl.”
“Sunflower girl?” I repeated, confused.
“Sorry.” He shook his head. “The other day . . . I never got your name.” He held his hand out. “Name’s Easton.” I played his name over in my head, and by the third time around, I had convinced myself that I liked it.
He held my hand, and I reveled in the warmth while my eyes traveled from his chest to those damn eyes.
“Lilly, dear, are you all right?” Mrs. Wilkes called.
“I’m okay!” I called out without taking my eyes from Easton’s.
“Lilly, huh?” His lips grew in a slow and blinding grin. “I think you might be my favorite flower,” he said only loud enough for me to hear.
It took a second for me to register his corny pick-up line, and when I did, I shook my head, rolled my eyes, and scoffed. That was the most stupid, not to mention ridiculous thing, I had ever heard.
“That bad, huh?” He gave a quick, deep laugh. I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded.
“Very.” I tried not to laugh. I didn’t want to offend him, but I failed.
Today was turning out to be full of surprises. I hadn’t laughed this much in what felt like years.
“Damn.” Still smiling, he squeezed his fist in his palm. When he stepped aside to give me room, he asked, “Is there anything I can help you find?”
“You work here?”
“Is that hard to believe?” He cocked his brow.
I hadn’t expected a man who looked like him to work in a place like this. If this were a hardware store or a construction site maybe, but not a flower shop. I thought about it for another second and concluded that it actually was hard to believe, but I wouldn’t be rude and admit to it.
“No, I guess not.” He chuckled, obviously not believing me. “It was nice to meet you, Easton, if you’ll excuse me.” I picked up the smashed bunch of tulips from the floor and walked them over to the counter.
“Hi, Mrs. Wilkes, I’m sorry about these.” I set the flowers on the counter and pulled the bucket of lollipops closer to me before grabbing two. When Mrs. Wilkes eyed the candies with a smile on her lips, I grinned.
“One’s for Leeza.”
“Of course, dear, and don’t worry about the flowers. I’ll probably be dumping a lot of these anyway if Easton here doesn’t get that dang refrigerator fixed.” She huffed. “If I didn’t have all the flowers for the Burton’s wedding taking up almost the entire walk-in cooler in the back, there probably wouldn’t be a problem, but . . .” She huffed one more time, making the lines around her mouth wrinkle. “Sorry about that, why don’t you go ahead and grab another bunch.” She took the smashed flowers from me and discarded them in the trash.
“Thank you. I also wanted to thank you for the sunflowers. They were beautiful. ”
“You’re welcome, dear, anytime.”
My mother was such a good customer of Mrs. Wilkes that, on occasion, she was kind enough to extend her generosity to Leeza and me.
I turned on my heel and was unexpectedly met by Easton, who was holding a fresh bunch of white tulips in one hand and a bunch of pink roses in the other.
“For you.” I cocked one eyebrow. “I kind of saw you smelling the roses,” he admitted sheepishly, but this time he didn’t smile. Instead, he pinned his gaze to mine and analyzed me. I should have felt like running far, far away from that look. But I didn’t, and I couldn’t figure out why this man unnerved me—in a good way.
“Thank you,” I forced out, reaching for the white tulips.
“How about having a cup of coffee with me?” he asked, still holding on to the other bunch of flowers.
“Thank you, but I’ll have to pass.” I managed a half-hearted smile.
“Wow. That was the quickest let down in history.”
“It isn’t you,” I rushed out. “It’s just, well, coffee—” I made a show of my dislike for the drink, and he laughed.
“I understand, maybe a drink sometime?”
“Thank you for the offer, but I can’t.” I didn’t want to explain myself any further. I turned to face the door, and he let go of the flowers. “Thank you, Mrs. Wilkes.” I held both bunches above my head and didn’t look back.