Cranky didn’t begin to describe how I was feeling as I stepped out of Lacey’s car and prepared for a very, very long day at the studio.

“Have fun!” she yelled to me, and I waved at her but grunted in reply. I was in a terrible mood. I had barely gotten any sleep because every time I closed my eyes I dreamt about the evening Magnus and I had spent together, but instead of it being us making love, it was Magnus and Violet. Lacey had woken me up several times in the middle of the night to ask me what was wrong because apparently I’d been yelling at them in my sleep. That, in turn, had awoken baby Sebastian. I had apologized profusely to Lacey and had made it up to her by staying up all night with Sebastian until he fell back to sleep at four o’clock.

Now I was exhausted. It was six o’clock. I’d had at most ten minutes of sleep before I needed to get back up to head out for the first taping of the Brain Pain episode.

I expected Lacey to be just as out of it as I was, but she had shrugged off the sleep interruption and had declared she was used to it.

I didn’t want to do anything but sleep, I thought to myself, as I was escorted to the entrance of the studio by direction of a security guard who was way too chipper for my taste. I didn’t know I was such a grumpy person without sleep. I was learning a lot about my true self, courtesy of Florida.

There was a flurry of activity and I didn’t know where to go, so I just stood there wondering what to do and when to do it.

“Morning,” a voice said behind me, and I instantly recognized Magnus’s voice. He looked nice, dressed in faded gray jeans and a close-fitting black shirt.

He handed me a cup of coffee and I happily accepted it, avoiding his eyes. It had been tough avoiding him for the past two weeks, but I had succeeded. Too bad I didn’t feel good about it.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” I was grateful. Caffeine was exactly what I needed.

“Ready for today?”

I shook my head. “I’m exhausted and not in the best of moods.”

“Couldn’t sleep? Nervous about the recording?”

I nodded. I didn’t dare tell him about a certain X-rated dream that had really been the reason I couldn’t sleep.

“Mr. Deacon?” interrupted a young man with uncertainty in his voice.

“Yes?”

“I’m Dale.” Dale was a redhead with freckles. He was a little round and seemed to be under five feet tall. Surprisingly, his voice was quite deep which caught me off guard. “I’m your personal assistant while on set. I need to lead you to makeup. Please come with me.”

“And what about Ms. Cabot?”

He looked unsure. “I don’t know. I guess she can come too. All the VIPs have private suites. So if you would like to bring her, you can.”

“Would you like to join us?” Magnus asked.

“No. I’ll just wait here.” I was delighted that I would have some breathing room. I didn’t feel like I was up to the task of even talking to Magnus right now.

Dale nodded. “Sounds good. I’ll send someone over to get you into makeup.”

Dale led Magnus away when another person popped up next to me. “You’re one of the contestants, right?”

Before I could answer, she grabbed me by the sleeve and started to lead me away. She looked like a little old lady, but she had a steel grip and I didn’t even bother pulling away.

“I’m Celeste. We’re going to get you all dolled up and then you’ll be ready for action. How does that sound?”

“Sounds great.”

“Excellent.”

Ten minutes later I was “dolled up” as Celeste put it and positioned next to Magnus on set. I studied the other six contestants.

“Is that Ruben Mitchell?” I asked in disbelief.

“Who’s Ruben Mitchell?” Magnus said.

I turned to Magnus with a look of incredulity on my face, “He’s an Olympian. He brought home at least four gold medals last year. He’s a competitive swimmer.”

Magnus’s face showed no sign of recognition. He just shrugged. And then I looked at the other contestants and instinctively grabbed Magnus’s arm in excitement. “Oh my God, do you see that woman over there? With the blue shirt and dark jeans?”

“Uhh yeah… my arm.” He grimaced.

I looked at him. “What?”

“You’re killing my arm.”

“Oops. Sorry,” I said, letting go of him. “I’m just really excited. She’s like one of my heroes.”

“Oh really?” he said, finally showing some interest. He honestly looked bored and a little down. I wondered what all that was about. He was probably missing Violet, I thought before telling myself to stop being obsessive about something that was none of my business.

“She’s a scientist. I took a class with her years ago as part of an exchange program. I was like sixteen at the time.”

“Was she good?”

“Yes, she’s amazing.” I sighed. “She probably doesn’t remember me. I’m sure she’s had thousands of students.”

“Maybe she does. You should go over and say hello.”

I shook my head, feeling intimidated. “No. It was a long time ago and she has her own show on the Science Channel where she discusses everything from DNA to human sexuality. She’s a genius.” I frowned. “We’re going to lose.”

“Do you know who that guy is?” Magnus asked me. I looked in the direction of where he was pointing and saw a tall lanky dude, shooting daggers with his eyes. And those daggers were directed at Magnus.

I shook my head. “He doesn’t look familiar.”

“That’s my former partner.”

“Former? Is that why he’s looking at you like he wants to step on your face and push you into an early grave?”

Magnus laughed so hard at my statement that others turned in our direction to see what was so funny. I couldn’t help but laugh, too. I was pretty funny, I guess.

“He hates me. That’s for sure. We parted ways at least five years ago and he started his own company which is swiftly becoming one of my chief competitors. He’s doing well for himself.”

“Oh man, did you fire him?”

“No… I gave him two choices and he chose the option to leave.”

“So in other words, you fired him?”

“Kind of.”

“Let’s see… We have an Olympian, a scientist, and your sworn enemy as competitors. I think our chances of winning have just gone down to nil.”

“No biggie. We can take them.”

“You’re way too confident.”

“I don’t know any other way to be. Ready to do this, partner?” He raised his hand to high-five me when someone shouted, “Magnus! Lesli! Over here!”

We looked in the direction of the voice to see Violet struggling to get away from not one, but two security guards.

“Can you tell these guys to let me go? They think I’m some sort of stalker.”

“She’s not allowed on the set,” a security guard said to us.

“You’re not allowed on the set,” I echoed. What could I say? I was a rule follower.

“Fine, just fine. I’ll cheer for you guys from the audience,” she said, swatting at the security guard’s hands. “Leave me alone. I know how to get to the audience side. I do NOT need an escort.” She looked back at me and said, “Good luck, Lesli! You got this, girl!” And to Magnus, she flirtatiously said, “See you tonight.”

She flounced away while the security guards looked on shaking their heads. “We’ll have to keep an eye on that one. She looks like trouble.”

“So, you’re seeing Violet tonight?”

“She’s persistent,” was all Magnus said.

I made a noncommittal sound, but inside I was fuming.

A photographer came by to take a picture of all the contestants and, for some reason, she said to us, “Don’t you guys make a lovely couple.”

“We’re not a couple,” I grumbled.

The photographer winced and mumbled an apology.

“What’s going on with you today?” Magnus had the nerve to ask.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

He looked at me funny and I ignored him. It had been a few weeks since Violet had interviewed and been hired by Jude. She was a great worker and fit in with the team instantly, especially Maya. But I was starting to hate her. It was official, she and Magnus were dating. She had told anyone in the office that would listen.

I knew I didn’t have a right to hate her, after all, I’d had my chance with Magnus and I’d pushed him away. However, it pissed me off to no end that he liked her. And it felt like Violet was betraying me by going out with him. But she didn’t know that I liked him. In fact, I’d gone out my way to talk about how much I didn’t like him. When Violet had mentioned it to me initially that she was going out with Magnus, she’d asked me if I was ok with it. I’d pretended that it was no big deal and had replied, “Have fun!”

But clearly, I was anything but ok. I was angry and had spent the entirety of last week villainizing Magnus and Violet in my head. I knew it was petty, but it was either that or acknowledge that I had feelings for Magnus and the idea of him going out with my best friend made me sick to my stomach.

I felt so stupid for being so conflicted. I knew I was being unfair to Violet who I was now keeping at arm’s length. She’d looked hurt and had asked me if she had done anything wrong. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I didn’t like that she was dating Magnus, nor did I want her to know that I was interested in him. So instead I’d given her the silent treatment every now and then. I felt so bad about my behavior. I knew I was being childish, but I was at a loss in terms of what it was that I should be doing.

I broke out of my reverie as the lights popped on and an announcement filled the air.

“It’s time for Brain Pain,” said our host with a beatific smile. He was tall with beautiful hair, and sparkling blue eyes, I finally noticed.

“I’m Mickey Sims. Welcome to our show. Tonight, we have a special charity event for your viewing pleasure. The charity event will last for the next three weeks, so tune in each week for a new adventure where the competing celebrity and a representative from his or her charity compete to win one million dollars.”

The crowd clapped and cheered as queued.

I rolled my eyes and Magnus looked at me with amusement. I knew I was being unnecessarily cranky, but whatever. He was dating Violet of all people.

“Just in case you’re just tuning in, here’s how this show will go. Each challenge will be about strength or smarts. Some challenges will be team challenges and some challenges will be done by one person.”

He briefly explained which charities each of us were competing for and I begrudgingly acknowledged that each of the charities listed was reputable and supported a good cause. I wasn’t very competitive, but knowing that if we lost, it would be to a good cause was enough to make me feel better.

There was the usual game show chitchat and then we were told to stand at our placemats, which had the words pain or brain situated on giant buttons on the floor.

“Teams, in front of you there are two large buttons. One is for pain and one is for brain. When I tell you, one person from the team will make a selection by stepping on either the button for pain or the button for brain. The catch is, that selection will not be for you, but for your partner’s challenge... brain or pain. And the time to choose is now!”

Without hesitation, I jumped on a button, smiled broadly and said, “Pain.”

Before Magnus could say a word, his position was locked in. He looked at me in shock and I smiled brightly at him. God, I didn’t know I could be so bad. And it kind of felt good.

As luck would have it, all the other contestants chose Pain too. I guess we all had a personal vendetta against our partners.

The host looked absolutely delighted by our selections. Too delighted in my opinion. “Look behind you to find out what Brain Pain has in store for you today.”

I happily turned around and as they pulled the curtains back, I saw it. There were four makeshift hills covered in dirt and standing about twelve feet high.

“This will be relatively easy,” the host said. “You just climb that hill and ring the bell at the top. Easy peasy, right?” He gave us a big smile. “But you’ll climb it dragging half your body weight.”

I wasn’t impressed yet. Magnus seemed like a strong guy. He could probably easily pull half his body weight.

The host smiled broadly again. “And did we mention these?”

Suddenly sprinklers came on and each hill slowly became a slippery mess.

“The game is easy. First contestant up the hill wins immunity.”

I couldn’t keep the gleeful smile from spreading across my face. I gave Magnus a thumbs up. “Good luck out there... partner.”

He winced. “I’m going to get you back for this.”

“Now who’s cranky?”

I watched in glee as he was marched to the back to don his costume for the competition. He came out about ten minutes later with the rest of the contestants wearing bright purple jumpsuits and goggles.

I sat down with a bottle of water and prepared to watch the show and, boy, it was quite a show.

Each contestant started the race by standing in front of the hill. I noticed they all had utility belts attached to their waists. The utility belt had a rope attached to it and at the end of the ropes were sandbags. The sandbags were of various sizes, depending on each contestant’s weight. I could see the tension in their shoulders as they waited for the bell to sound.

I was excited and more than a little relieved that Magnus was the lucky participant for this particular challenge.

The bell sounded and immediately Magnus scrambled toward the hill, dragging half his body weight as if it weren’t the size of two toddlers. His sworn enemy was struggling to make it up his own hill and kept slipping and sliding.

“He’s going to slip and fall before they even turn the water back on,” I muttered.

And I was right. The lanky guy went sliding down the hill and landed face down on his own sandbag. I giggled.

The crowd was going wild now. It was just Magnus, the scientist, and the Olympian. I was sure the Olympian was going to win. And then they turned the sprinklers on.

Magnus and the Olympian went sliding back down the hill, covered in mud. Dr. Joseph made her way to the top and was just about to push the button that would give her the win when she lost her footing and went sliding down the hill.

Now it was anyone’s game. The other three contestants were skinnier than Magnus. It wasn’t that he was out of shape, but it was clearly hard to pull so much muscle up the hill, especially a steep wet hill.

Finally, all four contestants had regained their footing and were slowly dragging themselves up. They were covered in mud and I didn’t know how they could even see anymore. Their bright purple jumpsuits were no longer bright or purple, but muddy and gross. Their goggles were covered in dirt and caked with mud. They all seemed to be moving remarkably slower than before.

The crowd was going wild though. It seemed the weaker the contestants became, the wilder the crowd was. I swear I could even hear Violet screeching.

And finally, the contestants were no longer neck and neck. Dr. Joseph was again toward the top, Magnus was about a foot away, as well. The Olympian and Magnus’s enemy were still struggling with their footing and weren’t gaining any ground.

With a heroic effort, Magnus hoisted himself up and was about to hit the button when he lost his footing and went tumbling down the hill. He slid on his back, straight down the hill, and landed with a plop in a puddle of mud. And at that very moment Dr. Joseph hit the button, winning the round and seizing the sprinklers.

I couldn’t help but feel amused as the host went around and tried to interview each contestant. They were all out of breath and spent, leaning against their respective hill.

“That was so hard,” the Olympian said. He then called up to Dr. Joseph, “You’re amazing, Doctor.”

The rest of the audience cheered and the host yelled up to her, “Come on down, Dr. Joseph. You’ve won your team immunity!”

With a whoop and a punch in the air, she gleefully slid down the hill and landed next to the host.

“How does it feel to win immunity and be one step closer to winning a million dollars for your favorite charity?”

“Amazing!” she shouted, and the audience cheered.

“We’re going to get all cleaned up and then we’ll be back after these messages.”

And with that, they cut recording. Magnus’s personal assistant, Dale, showed up and whisked him off. The other contestants were also taken away.

I was having a great time.

Then suddenly a production assistant was standing next to me. “Ma’am, it’s time to get into costume.”

“Excuse me?” I said.

“Your costume. It’s time to get changed.”

“But what’s the challenge? We’re doing another challenge?”

“Oh, I see you’re not familiar with the format of the show.”

“Ummm…yeah. I’m not.”

“Well, Dr. Joseph’s team won, so they don’t have to do anything for this round. Your team, on the other hand, has to do another challenge.”

“Another challenge?”

“Yep.”

“Tell me it’s a brain challenge.”

She laughed. “Nope. Another pain challenge.”

I groaned.

“Tell me I don’t have to climb a hill covered in water and mud.”

“You’ll see,” was the furtive answer I received.

Ten minutes later, I too had on a purple jumpsuit and goggles. I bit my lip waiting to hear what I had to do.

The host smiled. “Welcome back to a special charity episode of Brain Pain. Dr. Joseph and her partner have immunity and are guaranteed a spot in the last round. And who will join them? Will it be Ophelia’s Angels? Dogs Are Love? Or Jesse’s Children? We shall see. Contestants, to your starting places.”

“Good luck,” Magnus said, totally not meaning it. He had a wide smile on his face. It reminded me of my own smile while I had watched him.

I couldn’t help myself. Like a child, I stuck my tongue out at him and he laughed.

Suddenly a spotlight came on on the far side of the studio, showing us our next challenge. Three inflatable slides were illuminated with black light and sitting at the base of each slide was a pool of neon green slime.

I wanted to say nope and just walk away, but I couldn’t do that to Jude or Lacey. I had a mission to fulfill and I totally planned to go through with it. I squared my shoulders and took my place next to a ladder in front of a slide. The other contestants did the same.

“Contestants, you have three minutes to find several items that we’ve hidden in the slime. The game is simple. The first person to find the most items before time is up wins. And that time starts… NOW!”

I scrambled up the ladder and then worked my way to the slide. I slid down in a whoosh and then found myself submerged in nasty lime green, sticky, sticky slime. “This is sooooo gross,” I groaned as the slime immediately stuck to my hair, my face, my entire jumpsuit. I bobbed around, searching for anything solid. The audience cheered relentlessly and their encouraging words pushed me to try my hardest.

My hands found the first item and victoriously, I pulled it out of the slime and waded to the side of the pool to toss my item in the net hanging there.

And then I did it again and again, paying no attention to the other contestants or the crowd as I searched as best as I could for another item. “Ten seconds,” the host yelled.

I knew it was now or never. I had avoided diving under, but I desperately wanted to win this one for Ophelia’s Angels. I took a deep breath, dove under, ignoring the feeling of claustrophobia that suddenly overwhelmed me while immersed in the thick slime. Before panic ensued, I grabbed frantically for something solid and, to my surprise, my hands closed over something the size of a grapefruit. Quickly, I came up for a breath and tossed the item, which I now recognized as a ball, into my net. And with that, the bell went off.

Breathless, I pulled at the goggles on my face and tried to wipe them off. It was no use. They were covered in slime. Every inch of me was, but at least without the goggles on, I could see around me. The host sent a team of assistants to count the items in each of our nets. I waited with my sticky fingers crossed. And I wasn’t disappointed.

“And Ophelia’s Angels wins. They’re moving on to the final round!”

Suddenly, Magnus was there. His hands were on me pulling me out of the pool of slime and embracing me in a big hug.

I hugged him back, totally forgetting I was angry with him. And then suddenly I felt other arms wrapped around the both of us. Violet was hugging me and Magnus.

It was a giant group hug and I knew we looked ridiculous, but what the hell, I thought. How often was a girl hugged by her best friend and the man of her dreams all at once?

The thought gave me pause. Was Magnus the man of my dreams? If so, I’d thrown away my chances of being with him.

I reluctantly pulled myself out of his arms but Violet stayed holding on to Magnus. They were both covered in slime thanks to my disgustingness, but they didn’t seem to mind.

The host was interviewing me. “Great job. How do you feel?”

“Accomplished.”

The host’s smile was genuine. “Well, you certainly accomplished a whole lot. We’ll see you here tomorrow. Same time. Same place. Tune in for more Brain Pain when our finalists, Ophelia’s Angels and the Cycle Psychos, will battle it out for the grand prize of one millionnnnnnn dollars!”

And suddenly that was a wrap. The host left without uttering another word.

I looked around, confused and then a production assistant appeared and handed me a towel. “Good job.”

The other contestants congratulated me and I thanked them as I tried to rub the goo out of my hair.

“You were amazing out there,” Violet said. “You both were.” She turned to Magnus. “Sorry you lost, Magnus, but it’s a good thing you had Lesli to make up for your shortcomings.”

“Thanks for that, Violet.”

“Sure, no problem.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

And then the production assistants were around us. “Feel free to get changed and we’ll see you guys in a week. Congrats!”

Violet hooked her arm around Magnus’s and then slowly pulled it away. It was covered in slime, courtesy of me.

“I’ll meet you outside, while you get cleaned up,” she said, wiping her hands on her lap trying not to look disgusted.

I walked toward our dressing rooms and Magnus trailed behind me.

“Why are you following me? Don’t you have things to do with Violet?” I tried to keep my tone light, but I couldn’t.

He maneuvered himself in front of me and said, “What’s with all the attitude lately? Did I do something to upset you?” He looked down at me and I had to resist the urge to reach out and touch him. I wanted to do nothing else but that. He was so close. Close enough to kiss. I reprimanded myself for even allowing myself to think about him that way. He was Violet’s, not mine.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I quickly dodged him and kept walking. With a few strides, he easily caught up with me.

“If we’re going to be working together, the least you could do is be civil toward me.”

“I am civil!” I yelled in a very uncivil-like manner.

“You’ve been short with me. You’ve made snide comments AND you chose pain without even consulting me.”

I snickered. “Well, that is the name of the game, Magnus. I was just playing the game.”

“At my expense.”

“Hey, I had to do pain too.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t know that when you selected pain for me.”

“You’re being too sensitive. I was just playing the game and I suggest you do the same.”

“That’s hard to do when my partner has a personal vendetta against me. I thought I had to worry about the other contestants, but no, the person out to get me is the one person who should be supporting me.”

“Stop with the accusations. It’s all in your head. I’m not out to get you. What reason would I have to be out to get you?”

“I have no idea and you won’t talk to me long enough for me to find out. You haven’t really talked to me since that night we—”

I instantly turned around and hushed him. “I don’t want to talk about that. And why does what happened between us that night even matter? You moved on quickly. And to add insult to injury, you moved on to the one person in this world I consider a friend.”

He instantly became defensive. “Why do you care who I date? You didn’t want to date me, remember?”

“I don’t care who you date. I don’t care about you at all. You just have some nerve to date one of my friends.”

“I didn’t know she was your friend when I met her.”

“Well, you found out eventually.”

“And when I found out, I tried to ask you how you felt about it and you told me you didn’t care. Remember that?” I thought back to the texts I’d received from him when he’d started dating Violet, which I had pointedly ignored and then responded with, “It’s none of my business.” God, I had been really abrupt with him, yet still blamed him for everything. My anger was irrational and misplaced, but I didn’t care.

“I mean, yeah. I don’t care who you date. It’s just a matter of decency.” There wasn’t much conviction in my tone. I didn’t even believe me.

“Quit with the lame excuses. Either you care or you don’t. Being wishy washy doesn’t suit you.”

“And being an arrogant jerk definitely suits you.”

“Me? I’m the jerk? You think I’m the one with the problem?”

“Clearly.”

“I thought you were different. I thought you were logical and reasonable.”

For some reason, those words stunned. “I’m both those things, but that doesn’t excuse you from doing something hurtful.”

“Oh, so now we’re finally getting somewhere. Me dating someone else is hurtful?”

“What? No. That’s not what I meant at all.”

“So what did you mean?”

I sighed in defeat. I didn’t know what I was saying. I didn’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t know what I wanted. Actually, I did know what I wanted but I didn’t know what to do since now I couldn’t have it.

I wanted Magnus’s attention. I wanted to date him, spend time with him. He should have been going out with me. Not Violet. Never Violet. Didn’t he see that? I felt like the ugly, geeky friend. I felt insecure again. The makeover hadn’t helped. Deep down inside I was still that teenage girl, unsure of herself, trying to live up to everyone’s expectations without knowing what her expectations were for herself.

I couldn’t tell Magnus what I wanted because I didn’t even know what I wanted.

I was a mess. I had to figure me out, but in the meantime, I needed someone to blame for my misery and that someone had been Magnus. He didn’t deserve that. He’d been nothing but gentlemanly and kind to me. It wasn’t his fault that I was going through some sort of crisis. And it wasn’t his fault that in the middle of getting to know myself, I had fallen head over heels in love with him.

I felt the tension ease from my shoulders as I allowed those words to sink in. I was in love with Magnus and for some reason, being in love with him was bringing out the worst in me. Who was I kidding? That wasn’t Magnus’s fault. I just didn’t know how to deal with this new feeling, this new emotion. I’d never been in love. And instead of being open to it and allowing Magnus to have a place in my life, I’d pushed him away. Our current situation was my doing. All of it. And it was about time I started taking accountability for it. It was time I grew up and stopped acting like a petulant child.

But where did I start? I’d been pretty horrible to him. I took a deep breath and just said what was in my heart. Well, not all of it. I wasn’t ready for all of it yet. “Listen, I like you a lot, Magnus. And I respect you. I’m sorry that I’ve made things difficult between us for the past couple of weeks.”

Magnus’s shoulders instantly lost their tension too and his expression softened.

“I like you a lot, too. And it was never my intention to hurt you.”

I nodded. “I understand that.”

“So maybe we can work on being friends?”

I didn’t want to be just his friend though. I knew that for sure. But friendship was what he was offering. So I would take it.

“I would like that,” I said softly.

“Great.”

We stood there just staring at each other, neither of us knowing what to say from there. The chemistry between us was unmistakable and yet, at least on my end, there was nothing I could do about it.

I looked away first. “I’m going to go scrub off all this slime.”

“That’s a good idea.” His voice was soft and his eyes clearly said he wanted to say more but wasn’t going to.

There was a little bit of mud, I realized, right below his ear. I reached out and attempted to dust it off when he caught my hand in his.

“Lesli, I—”

“You guys are still here? Better get a move on. We’re set to start filming the next group,” said one of the production assistants.

“Sorry. I’m just heading that way...” my voice trailed off and I realized that Magnus was still holding my hand.

I tugged my hand away from his slowly.

“I’ll see you,” I said, and then with a voice that didn’t hide my regret, I added, “You shouldn’t keep Violet waiting. She’s not the most patient person.”

He nodded and smiled a little although he looked lost in thought. “You’re right about that.”

He turned and I watched him walk away as the production assistant whisked me away.

“Hey, Lesli,” he called to me, turning back again.

“Yeah?”

“I...” he shook his head and tried again. “I—I’ll call you.”

I smiled, knowing that he wanted to say much more. “I’ll answer.”

He turned away then and walked toward the studio exit and I sighed deeply. I didn’t know love was so complicated, but then again, it probably hadn’t needed to be. I’d messed up. And now I didn’t know how to fix it. And even if I did fix it, I’d end up hurting a friend in the process. Feeling defeated, I let the busybody production assistant escort me to the dressing room. I could wash off the ickiness of the day, but unfortunately, getting rid of the icky emotions I was feeling wasn’t going to be as easy.