Chapter FIFTEEN
CARTER:
I stare at Anika, wondering who the hell this woman is. She’s a liar and about just how much, I can’t be certain. She stands before me looking unlike the woman I know, soaking wet and blood trickling down her face. Though she looks more fierce than usual, she looks defeated and unhinged, and I can’t stop thinking about how gorgeous she is. When I mention Braxton’s name she stops her nervous pacing and stares at me with shock.
“What about Braxton?” she asks, and the weird calm thing she does from time to time replaces the uncharacteristic behavior from moments before.
“Did you or did you not fuck my brother?” the rage I feel at the thought of his hands on her begins to surface again.
“I’ll explain from the beginning,” she says nervously.
“Answer the god damn question, Anika,” I grind out.
“Yes, Carter! Yes, I did,” her voice raises, and I feel like I want to throw up, but she continues, “But that was before you, before I knew anything about you, before I met you…It was just sex!” she yells in exasperation, and continues to ramble.
“We were nothing. It was almost a year ago now that I ended the relationship, if you could even call it that. I didn’t hear another word from him until a few months ago. I ignored his calls, but as I was going home one night I was kidnapped, I guess you could say. I’ll spare you the details because they don’t matter here. When I woke up, Braxton was there. He’s working with… some people…” she pauses and I can see that she’s choosing her words carefully.
“Tell me who Braxton is working with!” I demand, needing to know.
“I’m not going to tell you that. It’s better if you don’t, but just know I’m going to take care of it.”
I see the resolve in her eyes, and I know she isn’t budging, but I will find out one way or another. I sigh in exasperation and aggravation at her, “Fine, go on then…”
“I’m still not sure what their end game is, but they wanted me for my skills. Who he’s working for knows about me, and it was either hack into Lintech and steal the information on the Quantum division launch, or they would use what they knew against me and I’d go to prison for life. So, you obviously know what I chose.”
“So, you played me, got the job at Lintech, and then what? Thought you’d fuck with me a little more? What the hell is wrong with you? You’re insane!”
“Carter. You don’t get it! I didn’t do it! I didn’t actually steal the information for them. They only think I did!” her voice continues to raise desperately, the already raspy quality intensifying. “The more I got to know you, I just couldn’t… for once I actually felt guilty about something. For once I felt like I needed to protect someone other than myself or my brother. I couldn’t let them ruin this for you, and so I hacked in. The first time, I scrambled some things just because I could. I’ll admit, I’m cocky like that, but then I just went through and as I took down the information, I rebuilt your firewalls because they were complete shit.” She’s off on a tech tangent, and I legitimately am beginning to wonder how crazy she really is.
“Stop!” I interrupt her, standing up. “You copied the information? Isn’t that stealing? You aren’t making any sense.”
In true Anika fashion, she looks at me like I’m an idiot and explains. “Yes, I copied it, but only so I could reformat and rewrite everything. I had to feed them files that seemed legitimate just to prove I was holding up my end of the deal. What I gave them when put together, looks like your plans but they aren’t. They don’t hold the same coding or details. I had to go through every file and every piece of software and hardware and break it down to basics and rebuild it all. As I did it, I made your information impenetrable so no one else would be able to hack it. You’re welcome by the way.”
“You’re crazy,” I think out loud.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Carter,” she says seriously, then continues to ramble. “If they were to take the specs and info I gave them, it’d build something, but not with nearly as much power or capability.”
“So, wait, you managed to rebuild nearly ten years’ worth of my company’s work in a matter of weeks to make an entirely different prototype?” I marvel at her.
“Yes.” she nods like it’s obvious, but then it’s like a lightbulb goes off inside her head and she gets this excited look suddenly like everything that is going on doesn’t matter. “Oh, but the best part is the external hard drive I collected all the information on is embedded with a virus. It will eat away at the files on their computer and deny them access while simultaneously pinging the NSA, FBI, and CIA. It will let them access the data on that computer to know who the user is and the location.” She looks at me with an unreadable expression, but waiting for me to say something. I wish I could, but I honestly have no idea what to think. It all begins to make some sense.
“They want to weaponized the technology,” I say and her eyes widen. She looks genuinely stunned, and for the first time, there’s a spark of hope as I realize she honestly wasn’t the mastermind, but a tool.
“Carter. I won’t let them do that. Even with what I built, they won’t get that far. I’ll make sure of it,” she says, completely sure of herself.
“Anika, what are you going to do? You’re just a pawn in their game.”
“I know, but they don’t know that I control the board.” Her excitement is gone, and is replaced with this look of malevolence.
“God damn it, Anika. I don’t know what you’re into. I don’t know what to believe, and I feel so fucking useless.”
“Just trust me, Carter. Let me fix this.” she places her hands on my biceps, squeezing lightly. My head tells me I should be pulling away from her, but my heart and the look in her eyes tells me to grab her and hold onto her forever.
“Christ, Ani. How do I trust you? All you’ve done is lie to me from day one.”
“You’re right. I don’t know how you trust me. I’m not sure I know how to tell you the truth, and you don’t really have to. I just needed you to know that I did everything I could to save you from this even if my initial intentions were dishonest. This will all be over in a couple days, and then you won’t have to see me again.” She lets go of my arms and steps back. I see the tears shimmering in her eyes, and something tells me this may be the first time I’ve seen Anika…really seen her, and not just what she wants me to see.
“That’s it?” I ask her.
“What more is there, Carter?”
“Everything!” I yell. I know what I said, I know how mad I was and still am, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t still love her with my whole damn heart. “You’re so damn cryptic. What the hell is going on?!”
“The final drop is tomorrow. I’m going to meet with Braxton and his ‘associate.’” She does the air quotes before continuing. “It’s going to go one of three ways. I’m going to prison for life for the things I’ve done, I’m going to die, or I’m going to do what I intended to do and then be gone. I came here so you’d know the truth. You deserved that much at least,” she says, edging towards the door, but I cut her off.
“What do you mean for the things you’ve done? Hacking is a federal crime, but if you help, they may lessen it. I know people…” I say, but she shakes her head sadly.
“You don’t even know the half of it. Bye, Carter.” She turns to go again, but I grab her around her middle, my hand brushing against something solid. In a lightning move, she maneuvers out of my hold and has me pinned against the kitchen island by my throat with a lethal look on her face. The sick bastard inside me, can’t stop thinking about how sexy she looks.
“Let me go, Carter. I don’t want you anywhere near this. You’re already in too deep.”
“Why do you care so much?!” I yell at her again. It seems to be the only way to get her to answer any of my questions.
She regards me, her eyes searching mine for something, but I’m not sure what when I see the first tear tumble down her cheek.
“Why?” I ask again, softer this time.
“Because I love you!” she yells at me, landing a solid fist to my chest. Her tears are falling freely now, as her fists rain blow after blow. I take all of them from her until she’s finished.
“Damn it, Carter. Why did you make me love you? I didn’t want to love you. I didn’t want to need you – to need anyone!” she cries, and I pull her tightly to me, and kiss the top of her head. It’s the only thing that feels natural to me. She feels natural and loving her is easy. Hating her is what’s hard.
“Because you can’t choose who you love, baby.” And I love this woman. I love her crazy, I love her smiles, I love her intelligence. Hell, I even love that she’s a criminal no matter how wrong that may be. I’m angry. No, I’m furious. Ten minutes won’t erase that, but the other thing I know is that a lifetime apart couldn’t erase my feelings for her.
We just hold each other while my heart and my head are at war trying to reconcile their differences, and I’m sure she’s busy working herself up for another good bye. She’s mistaken if she thinks she’s walking away that easily. We’ll figure this out… somehow. She shifts against me to wipe her nose on her sleeve, when I’m reminded of the hard object digging into my ribcage.
“What do you have under your sweatshirt, Ani?” I ask, and she lets me go, and takes a step back leaving her hands at her sides. Reaching forward, I lift the fabric and my eyes fall on a large tactical knife she has strapped at her hip, but that wasn’t what I was feeling. Lifting the fabric further, my suspicions are confirmed when I expose a handgun with a silencer in a holster.
“Jesus, Anika.” She doesn’t break eye contact as she unstraps both of the holsters, setting them on the countertop, then reaching behind her back, pulls out yet another gun and sets it on the pile of weapons.
“Is that it?” I ask sarcastically, and once again I’m reminded that there’s so much about this woman that I do not know. “Why are you strapped up like Rambo?”
“Because you don’t know everything,” she says.
“Then tell me!” I plead for what must be the millionth time, as I take her face in my hands.
“Why does it matter? Why can’t we just leave it as this?” she asks.
“Anika…” I warn in an exasperated tone.
“Why can’t we just be two people that fell in love once upon a time? I don’t want to leave with you hating me.”
“Don’t you understand, Anika? You’re not going anywhere. I won’t let you. I’m pissed as hell, but you’re mine and we’ll do this together. I’m just glad you finally told me the truth.” My thumbs caress her cheeks as the tears continue to fall and she squeezes her eyes tightly shut.
“You don’t want me, and I can’t stay.” her eyes open, and I see that she truly believes that. “You’d hate me, more than you already do, but this time you wouldn’t be able to forgive it. I want to remember the way you’re looking at me right now, and not the look in your eyes when you learn the truth.”
Pulling her to my chest, she clings to my faded MIT t-shirt. “I don’t know what has you so twisted up inside that you think I couldn’t forgive you. If I’m willing to overlook everything that’s happened, I think it’s a safe bet you can tell me.” I speak into her wet hair, loving how she smells.
“It isn’t just hacking and lying about what I’m doing after work!” she pulls away, and walks across the living room to the wall of windows. I watch like I have so many times before, as she struggles with herself. Instead of leaving her like I usually do, I go to her and wrap her in my arms.
“What could possibly be that bad, Anika?” She doesn’t respond, and I wait.
“I’m a murderer,” she speaks quietly, but it echoes in my head louder than anything I’ve ever heard in my life. I would laugh if it weren’t for the look in her eyes, as she stares into mine. It’s haunting and sinister, and you can tell she means what she said.
As I’m about to ask her to explain, she starts on her own. “I may be a serial killer…I don’t know because I don’t know if I can stop, Carter.”
I unwind my arms from her to distance myself. Oddly enough, not because of her admission, but because I need to process it. I toss theories around my head, and the only conclusion I can manage is she is legitimately in need of psychiatric treatment. She truly believes she’s a serial killer.
“Ok, baby,” I placate her, and she gives me a withering look. “Let’s say you’ve killed people. What makes you think you’re a serial killer? Are we talking self- defense?”
“You don’t believe me. Carter, look at me,” she says seriously, and I do. I look at her, and while part of me believes I should be calling a medical professional, the other part of me is seeing her, and although terrifying, the confession doesn’t seem too far-fetched.
“I’ve killed three people with my bare hands,” she starts. “Four, if you count the one I contracted out, and there are more on my list. It wasn’t self-defense. It was calculated and planned. I researched them, hunted them, and when the time was right, I ended them. I felt their blood spill out of their bodies and onto my hands, Carter.” She becomes almost manic, holding up her hands to me as if she can still see what she’s describing.
“I heard their last words, and their last breaths, and I lived for the look in their eyes when they realized that I was going to be the one to end them. I loved every fucking second of it, Carter, and I would do it again and again just to relive the moment…the rush… the contentment and control. So, no… it wasn’t self-defense. I did it because I wanted to. Because I liked it, and it needed to be done.” Her voice has taken on that eerie calmness again.
I sit down on the nearby armchair and massage my face. What do you even do with information like this? I start by doing what I know, asking questions and solving problems.
“You’re serious?” I ask, my voice sounding tired.
“Remember, my birthday? When you found me walking down the street? I had blood on me?” she questions, kneeling in front of me. A cold realization sweeps through me as I remember her that night. She wasn’t herself, not that I know what she really is at this point.
“Yury Volkov. I beat him to a pulp before putting two bullets into his head,” she confirms.
“When I fell down my stairs?” she questions again and I nod. “Dimitri. Not sure of his last name. After you dropped me off, I woke up to him in my house. The guy you saw me with the next day was just helping me out with him. Then there was Sergei and Timur Mirsky. There are more people on my list, and hopefully by Thursday I can cross at least one of them off. Then there are the dreams, the urges. Hell, I even figured out just how I want to kill Braxton. Do you believe me now?”
“Do you want to kill me?” I ask, and she gives me a weird look. “Just answer.”
“I don’t, but I’m scared I will.” I’ve had nightmares about it she whispers with real fear in her eyes.
“Come here,” I say holding out my arms to her and she looks at me incredulously.
“You have got to be crazier than I am, Carter. After what I just told you? What is the matter with you?”
“Come here,” I say again, and she complies hesitantly, folding herself into my lap like a small child.
“We’re going to talk.”
“Carter…I’m a killer, and I’m good at it. You’ve seen me fight…how I’ve managed to get in here. There is something seriously broken in me.”
“I hear you, baby. Tell me. Who were these men? Why did you kill them? There has to be a reason. It sounds to me like they were all Russian. Did you know them?”
“Don’t act like you’re ok with this,” she says into my neck.
“I’m not ok with it, Anika. But I don’t believe for a second that you’d do anything without a legitimate reason. You’re too smart. I know there’s an explanation. So, tell me why.”
“I watched those men tie my father to a chair and nearly beat him to death. I watched as they raped my mother and tore her apart piece by piece before slitting her throat then taking another go at her as her body cooled. That was my thirteenth birthday. They never got the chance to finish my father because the cops showed up, but only one of them went to prison. Then after five years of watching my father drift through life as a ghost of himself, I got the honors of watching him put a bullet in his brain. I didn’t know the full truth until he died, but once I did, I couldn’t stop. They needed to be stopped, and I needed to feel something.” The pieces of her story slowly start to click into place, and her voice breaks. Finally, the last part of her wall crumbles, and years’ worth of feelings she’s been holding inside tumble out as her body is wracked with crippling sobs.
“I think I’m crazy, Carter. Please tell me I’m not crazy. I don’t want to like it. I don’t want to be a monster, but I am and I don’t know how to make it stop now.” Her tears soak through my shirt and I don’t know how I can tell her that it will be ok, when I don’t know it myself.
“Listen to me,” I say. “You’re not a monster, Anika. I’ve seen you. I know you. You’ve made mistakes, you’ve sought vengeance because you’re hurt and scarred, but you aren’t broken. I think you just need a little bit of help. These men were terrible people. I don’t know who I am to justify ending a life, but if I were in your shoes I could see myself doing something similar. I know what it feels like to want that fear and that pain to stop, baby. I know what it’s like to want to crush something until it ceases to exist.” I’m dancing on the edge of my own admission.
“When I was sixteen, I was abducted and held hostage for ransom. I was held for four days, and during that time, I was tied up, beaten and sexually assaulted.” My confession has her stiffening in my arms. “Believe me, those four days not knowing if I was going to live or die, just hoping it would be the latter, changed me. For worse? For better? I don’t know, but I do know that not a day goes by when I don’t wonder what it would be like to get my hands around that man’s throat and just squeeze.” Letting Anika in, and letting her see this part of me that I refuse to share lifts a certain weight off of my shoulders that I didn’t know I was carrying around. She doesn’t respond in words, but in the most tender of ways, the devil herself tilts her face up and kisses my lips, and it feels like heaven. I’ve come to the conclusion that she may burn, but if she does I’ll follow just to burn with her.