Anika:
“I love you, Carter,” I whisper as I break the kiss. I want him to hear me this time, and to feel it the way I do. I want him to understand how the love I feel for him is so strong it hurts as it carves out a piece of me to make room for itself.
He studies me for a moment and it feels different somehow- more honest. “I love you too. We may be wrong, but together we’re more than right.”
“Carter, I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone. I want to explain everything in a way that makes me sound less crazy, but I can’t,” I object because I know that sometimes love just isn’t enough.
“You’re not as lost as you think you are.” he regards me intently, brushing my damp hair over my shoulder with his fingers. “When are you going to realize that I’ve already walked a dark path of my own? Ani, I’d follow you into the fiery pits of hell if it meant I was walking beside you.”
His eyes never leave mine, and the desire I see burning there reflects my own. It wouldn’t matter if the world was crumbling to the ground around us, I’d still want him in the most carnal of ways – owning me, worshipping me, over me, inside of me, filling me up in every way imaginable. Carter leans forward slowly, almost as if he’s hesitant of my reaction. His lips meet mine in another tender kiss, but the instant our lips meet it is like a struck match to gasoline and our passion ignites. In one swift motion, he pulls my damp tank top and sweatshirt over my head before pulling off his own t-shirt. His hands slide down my stomach, gripping the elastic of my waistband and pulling them down over my thighs. Standing, he rids himself of his shorts, letting his arousal spring free.
He sits back down and lifts me up, pulling me over his lap. His fingers twine through my tangled hair, and I know what a sight I must be with smeared makeup, red rimmed eyes and dried blood on my face.
“Ride me,” he says, and when I start to position him he shakes his head no. Instead, I slide myself up and down his length, and I watch as his eyes greedily observe. He pulls my hair tighter, and I moan at the pain needing more. His other hand finds my clit as his thumb expertly strokes the taught bundle of nerves. The warm, familiar tingling fills my body, and just when I think I’m about to shatter, pulls away, effectively halting my orgasm.
“Not yet, baby,” he admonishes.
Frustrated and needing more from him, I yell at him in frustration. “Fuck me like you mean it, Carter! Hit me, punish me… I need it. I deserve it. You know I do!” My breath comes in shallow pants, waiting for him to do something- to take control like he always does. Instead, he smirks at me and lifts me up along with him. Cradling me in his arms, he scales the steps to his bedroom one by one.
He lays me on his bed softly. “I’m not going to fuck you, baby. I’m not going to punish you either. I’m going to love you like you deserve to be loved. I’m going to show you the side of me that no other woman will ever get. Only for you.” His lips brush mine softly and work their way down my neck. His thick erection brushes against my bare thigh, and I press my legs together, feeling the slick heat between them that is aching to be filled.
“Please,” I say again, but I’m not sure what I’m even asking for at this point. Carter slides his smooth hand behind my leg and pulls, opening me to him. Grabbing himself, he rubs his length through my swollen sensitive sex, and my hips lift with my body’s need for relief.
“I need…” I begin, but I’m silenced abruptly by a soft, but passionate kiss. He ends it almost as quickly as it began.
“I know what you need, Anika. I always know…let me give it to you.” His eyes don’t leave mine as he slides slowly inside of me. The feeling of relief is nearly overwhelming as he begins to move.
The intensity of his gaze is almost too much that I want to shut my eyes because I feel as if every second that passes, brings him one step closer to understanding how tainted I truly am and walking away for good. It would be better that way, but not for me. I know myself and my mind. I’ve made friends with all of the black corners and the evil things that lurk there. They lie in wait just to pick me apart at the first sign of weakness. Losing Carter would be the end of me, and with all certainty, I know the end is near.
“Open your eyes, Ani. I want you to watch me love you, and I want to see you love me back,” he says, and my insides liquify with the sincerity of his words. His fingers find mine and wind them together as he places our interlocked hands above my head and continues to fill me at a slow sensuous pace.
He doesn’t say a word, but we continue looking at each other communicating with our bodies and our love. He drives into me relentlessly, always knowing exactly what I need and how to give it to me. Soon, a delicious heat begins to fill me starting in my toes and working its way up, drawing a curtain of pleasure over me and with only my name on his lips in a whisper, we fall together not knowing where and if we’ll land.
Never pulling out, he rolls on his back pulling me with him and drawing up the covers.
“Promise me something, Anika,” Carter says quietly, stroking lazy lines down my back.
I wish I could tell him that I would do anything for him, but there are some promises I can’t keep. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that sometimes promises can bind people together, but if broken, can tear them apart.
“Hmm?” I hum against his neck, not willing to commit.
“Promise me you won’t do this alone. I’ve got friends that can help you- help us. I don’t want you to risk your safety, and I don’t want you doing anything you’ll regret.”
“Carter…”
“No, you’re not doing this alone!” he lifts his head, shifting me to the side.
“I don’t want you any more involved!” I argue.
“And I want to keep you close,” he says softer this time, and tightening his arms around me.
Neither of us say anything for several minutes, me not able to make the promise and him silently accepting it.
“I can’t lose you. The past day has been hell thinking I never even had you, and the sick part of me was trying to think of ways I could still have you even though I was trying to hate you.”
“I don’t want to lose you either,” I whisper, rubbing my lips against to smooth skin of his shoulder.
Slowly he slides back inside me as shivers break out across my skin. My fingers grip his hair as I shift my weight on top of him, feeling him deep inside me. Our breaths mingle and our limbs tangle as we lose ourselves completely in each other. There are no demands or pain, only two broken souls repairing each other from the inside and two hearts beating together and for each other.
******
My car starts, and I take a deep breath looking up at Carter’s building. He was sleeping peacefully and I slipped out. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but also the easiest because I know he’ll be safe. That’s all I want for him. He’ll be angry when he wakes to my note and an empty bed, but I can’t see any way around it. I’m not sure what he’d do if he knew we were both fighting the same war from opposite ends, but I want to win it for him.
I make the drive home and run through my plan repeatedly, making a mental checklist of all the things I’ve already set in place, and all the things I need to do. I mindlessly run through the motions as I shower and ready myself. My mind is unsettled as I pull on some leather pants and a black tank top. I pull my hair in a loose knot on top of my head and make my way up to my office. I unlock my desktop and begin running the program that will wipe my hard drive of any and all Lintech information, and grab everything I’ll need including the external drive for the meeting.
Realizing I’ve spent too much time already, I rush back down the stairs and grab the weapons I’ve already selected. I shove the knives into my boots, and strap myself up underneath my loose tank with the smallest gun I own. I know it’s a long shot to carry, but I’d be stupid if I didn’t at least try. I grab the small bag I have packed and take one last look around. There isn’t anything I need here. There aren’t any memories, or any keepsakes. This house holds nothing but things and was only a silent place to let my rage fester. I’d watch it burn in an instant, but that seems a bit melodramatic, even for me.
Giving everything one last look, I close the door behind me and climb on my Ducati, starting her up. The sun warms my face, and morbidly I wonder if this will be the last time that I feel that warmth. I drive around the city aimlessly. I don’t know if I’m stalling, or if I’m just not ready to say goodbye to this life I know yet. Because no matter what happens today, nothing will be the same. After a while I find myself staring up at the dual towers of St. James Cathedral. It’s been years since I’ve stood on these steps, but the quiet serenity that emanates from within those stone walls calls to me, beckoning me up the steps.
My boots echo loudly on the black and white tiled floor as if to announce to God himself that a sinner is in his house. The cool air and the stale smell of incense and candle smoke ignites memory after memory of masses sandwiched between my mother and father as I squirmed impatiently on the wooden benches, reciting scripture and learning lessons of sin and repentance. My, how far I’ve fallen since then. I don’t recognize myself, or the woman I’ve become, and I wish I could say that I regretted a moment, but I don’t.
The room is dim, only the altar aglow, and I run my hand along the wood bench worn from over a century of sinners and believers worshipping upon it. I hear the swoosh of robes and footsteps behind me, but I don’t turn.
“Can I help you, my child?” a warm voice asks, and finally I turn to meet an elderly priest. His face is weathered with age and the troubles of others.
“I haven’t been in years, and I just felt I should get reacquainted.” My voice sounds rough, and his eyes light with understanding.
“Confessions don’t begin until four, but I’d be happy to hear yours now if you’d like.” He seems genuine, but I can’t confess because I’m not done sinning, and I’m definitely not ready to repent.
“May I just sit for a while?”
“Of course, my dear. Take all the time you need. I’ll be in my office just through there if you change your mind. Come back any time.” he pats my shoulder gently and leaves me alone with the click of a heavy door, echoing off the stone walls.
I’m not certain why I’m here, but something about it feels right. I’m seeking a release- the kind I typically don’t seek, but every part of me is aching and this is the only thing I haven’t tried to stop it. I look up at the ceiling as if I’m waiting for a sign from the heavens above that I’m not welcome here, but it never comes.
“Heavenly Father…” the words feel foreign in my mouth as I fall to my knees at the altar and stare at the gilded cross on the wall. I’m not so sure I even know how to pray anymore, and does God even listen to the words that leave the Devil’s lips? I don’t care what Carter says, I know I’m destined for eternal damnation.
“You will never succeed in life if you try to hide your sins. Confess them and give them up; then God will show mercy to you. (Proverbs 28:13)” I whisper, remembering the scripture my mother used to recite with me, and my eyes well with tears.
“I don’t want your mercy, and I don’t have any right to be here. I don’t worship – I haven’t in so many years I’ve lost count… I don’t seek forgiveness and I don’t deserve it. I just need something to hold onto because my life-” I stop, unable to continue around the ball of emotion that seems to be lodged in my throat.
“I’m spinning out of control.” I wipe the tears from my face. “I have sinned, and I have sinned often- so much so, that the lines are blurred between what is right and wrong, what is reality and what might just be some nightmare that I’m living. I’ve lied, I’ve cheated and murdered… and I enjoyed every second.
I craved it and bathed in the blood of those from whom I’ve sought vengeance, but no matter what I did to fill myself up, I’m still empty. I felt myself bleed out along with everyone I hurt along the way. The worst part is… I’m not finished and I’m not sure I’ll ever be. Once I end this, what’s stopping me from doing this again and again? When does enough become enough? I tried to fill my wounds with new pain just to feel something- anything…” I cry into my hands as my chest splits in two. I’m babbling nonsense, but it feels good to give my hurt away instead of feed on it like I usually do.
“This whole time I’ve refused to open my eyes and see the one thing that made me feel whole. Love. I found it- I found Carter and I pushed him away so many times, and now it’s too late. We can’t ever be what he wants us to be because I can’t undo these things I’ve done. I can’t recover the loves and the life I lost. So, please…please tell me what I can do to make this go away. Tell me how I can feel whole again because I don’t think I can do it alone anymore…” My sobs reverberate in the room around me, the sound a confirmation of how broken my soul truly is.
“I don’t have any right to ask, and I can’t be sure you’re listening, but if you are, I only ask for one thing. Let Carter find peace. Let him find peace from his past, from the demons he lives with, and from the things I’ve done to his heart. Let him be truly happy, and find someone worthy of his love one day.” The thought of Carter with someone else makes my stomach turn, but it is what I want. His happiness and safety is the only thing I want that isn’t Lance Jennings buried six feet deep.
My sobs lessen and quiet as the silent tears fall. I continue to recite forgotten scriptures in my head. They’re the ones my mother used to recite with me before bed in hopes that they would someday help to shape me into a good person. After all the tears I have are cried, and I’ve said everything I need to say to God and myself, I stand with a new sense of calm. I feel lighter, but certainly not free. For now, with a new sense of determination for this to not all have been in vain, I step back out into the afternoon sunshine with only one purpose.
Kill Lance Jennings.