Chapter Eleven
It was a good day. Kathleen’s pain was well under control with the new patch dosage and that, in and of itself, was enough to make it a good day.
“Where’s Brian?” Kathleen asked when she woke up from her nap.
“He’s run to the grocery store. Turns out the only thing left in the fridge was a tub of margarine and a bag of rather shriveled apples.” She paused then added, “He even cut coupons.”
Watching Brian go through a couple weeks’ worth of ads, making an extensive list, had been endearing. Hayden had leaned over and kissed the top of his head without thinking. He’d looked up, surprise in his expression. She’d felt embarrassed and wasn’t sure why.
“A lot of things have fallen by the wayside lately. I’m sorry about that,” Kathleen said. “This isn’t exactly fun, is it?”
“No one expects you to be fun.”
“Oh, so you’re saying I’ve always been a stick-in-the-mud?” Kathleen’s voice was sharp.
“No, I don’t think … You know I don’t—” Hayden stopped midapology when she caught sight of the wicked twinkle in Kathleen’s blue eyes. “That wasn’t very nice.”
“Sweetie, you’re taking yourself far too seriously. You’re taking me far too seriously.”
“How can you say that? You’re—” Again she stopped herself, this time because she couldn’t handle saying the words out loud.
“Dying,” Kathleen supplied. “When you came home after college and took care of me, I thought that maybe that was it. I prepared myself to die. But I didn’t. And I’ve had fifteen good years since. Healthy years. I’m thankful for all of them. Seeing Olivia born, dancing at your wedding to Brian. Each and every day, every month, every year has been a gift. But we have to face the fact that I’m dying, Hayden. We’re both medical professionals, and I think we both have known this would be the outcome since they found out my cancer was back.”
Hayden looked out the window at the oak tree. Its bare branches were swaying in the wind. “Knowing and accepting are two very different things.”
“Hayden, you’ve always been strong. You’ll do fine. You and Brian will have each other. And Livie will have both of you. You don’t know how much that thought comforts me. That you’ll be here in the house. That there will be laughter again.” She paused, then more to herself than Hayden, murmured, “It makes things easier knowing the family will go on, that you all will have each other.”
Hayden wished those thoughts comforted her, as well, but the distance between her and Brian was becoming entrenched and marked by their silences. Just look how surprised he’d been at her small kiss this afternoon.
“Hayden.” Kathleen’s voice startled her from her reverie. “Today I’m remembering your wedding day.” She smiled. “It was a good day.
“You both were so nervous, but Livie and I weren’t. She was so young back then, and so very excited. I thought she’d just about jump out of her skin, she was so thrilled. And beautiful. Would you get me my picture? The one on the dresser?”
Hayden went to the dresser, and there in the center was the silver-framed photo. She looked at it as she carried it to Kathleen. Really studied the four smiling people in it. She couldn’t find any connection to them. They felt alien, even the image of herself.
Hayden remembered being happy, but she couldn’t seem to recall how that had felt.
June 25, 1996
Hayden couldn’t believe they’d been so lucky. It was late enough in June that she’d feared that the weather would be too hot for an outdoor wedding, but Mother Nature had cooperated. The temperature was in the upper seventies and the only clouds in the sky were puffy white ones, ambling across the blue expanse propelled by a light breeze.
They were all gathered in Kathleen’s backyard, beneath the giant oak tree. Rented chairs in rows, filled with friends. Hayden stood with Brian beneath a rented arch decorated with flowers, the minister before them. Livie stood next to her and hadn’t been able to stop grinning since she woke up that morning.
“Hayden?” the minister asked.
Brian looked at her and smiled, his eyes filled with love.
Hayden felt wrapped in it, enveloped by it as she said her vows. “Brian, it took us a long time to get here. And now that we’re here, I’m glad of the journey that brought us together. But I’m even gladder that the rest of our journeys will be taken together. And together, that’s what I promise to you today. We’re a family.”
She reached and out took his hand and took Livie’s, standing at her side, serving as a maid of honor. “And as a family, we can get through anything. That’s what our promises create today. A family.”
She glanced over at Kathleen, sitting in the front row, dabbing at her eyes. Family.
Brian shook his head. “Hayden, I hate to start our marriage by arguing with you, but you’re wrong. Today doesn’t make us a family. We’ve been that since the day you walked into our house, a crooked-eyed ghost. Today does make us partners. It cements us. There’s no going back. That’s my vow. I’m sticking. You can’t shake me, no matter what.”
“Well.” Reverend Maxwell cleared his throat. “Now, that was an interesting set of vows. Brothers and sisters, if you will all rise …”
The ceremony continued with all its solemnity, but try as she might, Hayden couldn’t feel the weight of the words. She was too light, too buoyant for anything to weigh her down.
She still held Brian’s hand.
They’d just vowed they were family, they would stick no matter what. Like glue. Peanut butter and jelly. There was no getting around it. They were one.
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.” Reverend Maxwell turned to the crowd. “May I be the first to present Brian and Hayden Conway.”
Their guests stood and applauded. Livie had moved to Kathleen’s side and the two of them were clapping the hardest.
“Mrs. Conway,” he murmured.
Hayden was joyous, absolutely joyous.
She was now officially part of the Conway family.
“It was a good day,” Hayden repeated to Kathleen as she handed her the frame.
“I’d like you to bury this picture with me. The most perfect day in a rather wonderful life. I don’t want my casket cluttered with things, but knowing you’re sending this picture along with me, a representation of our family, will give me comfort. I …” Kathleen continued, talking about what music she’d like played and other details for her funeral.
The first time she’d outlined her wishes to Hayden, it was like being physically struck. But Kathleen had gone over them again since, seemingly finding comfort in organizing this one last event. Hayden had grown immune to the pain of hearing these plans. Or maybe it was her numbness that left her impervious.
“I’ll make sure it’s done the way you want,” she promised, just the way she’d promised the other times.
“And you can bury me in that dress …”
Hayden shifted from one foot to the other. Livie and Brian would be home soon. Kathleen kept planning.
Everything kept moving forward, and all Hayden could do was let herself be carried along.
Kathleen rubbed a finger along the glass of the frame, outlining each one of them. “It was a good day,” she said again.
“It was a good day,” Hayden murmured, wishing things were that good now. That day, the day she and Brian were married, had felt so solid, as if nothing could ever wreck it. Rather than turn to each other, they’d turned away. Each holding on to the pain of Kathleen’s illness as if it were only happening to them. She could see what was wrong, but she didn’t know how to right things, and she wasn’t sure if Brian knew, either.
She hoped they’d figure it out, before it was too late.