Chapter Twelve
“Hayden, I know you’re a nurse and that you’re trained to deal with situations like this, but sometimes it’s hard to recognize the things you know when they’re striking so close to home.”
Marti had pulled Hayden out of Kathleen’s room and into the kitchen. She motioned for Hayden to take one of the stools. Marti, in typical fashion, didn’t pull any punches. “It won’t be long.” She took Hayden’s hand, watching her, as if she expected Hayden to fall apart.
But Hayden knew she wouldn’t. Couldn’t.
Satisfied, Marti kept steamrolling forward. “I don’t know if you want Olivia here, how she feels about it. You should talk to her and make the decision about her presence.”
Hayden knew her heart was breaking, and a part of her was grateful that she couldn’t feel the pain of it.
“Yes, I know I need to talk to them, to prepare them.” Her voice dropped. “I know it’s close, that Kathleen will d—” she hesitated on the word, then forced herself to finish “—die. Kathleen will die soon.”
Marti squeezed her hand as if to force her to feel something. “When’s the last time you slept?”
Hayden pulled her hand away. “I sleep.”
“In a bed?” Marti’s small eyes watched with a hawklike intensity.
“That recliner in the bedroom works well.”
Marti shook her head. “Hayden, you need to take better care of yourself.”
“Marti, I’ll take care of myself later, but I’ve got a promise to keep first. We were so happy that day I promised …”
Six months earlier
Hayden smiled at Brian and he smiled back as they sat on Kathleen’s couch.
It was a secret spouse smile. Hers she knew said, I can’t wait to be alone with you for a week.
She could read his. It said, I’m excited, too.
Even after all their years together, she still marveled at the little intimacies. When he reached over and slipped his arm around her shoulder it was so casual, so without thinking on his part that she felt her heart swell.
Ten years. They’d had their tenth anniversary just two months ago. Ten years and she was as in love as she’d ever been. Brian had been so busy at work, they’d celebrated in June with a simple dinner. But they’d been talking and had decided to take a trip this fall, just the two of them.
Usually, when they vacationed they went as a family—Hayden, Brian, Livie and Kathleen, all four of them. Just last fall they’d gone to Disney World and spent a week there. It had been a blast. But this time, it was going to be her and Brian alone.
They weren’t making any advance reservations. They were just going to take off and drive north. They thought they’d stop at the big peninsula in Erie. Then maybe head along the lake and go back to Put-In-Bay, an island near Cleveland, and Heritage Bay, the small town outside Port Clinton where they’d all vacationed once. Maybe they’d head even farther north to Southampton, Ontario, a lovely small community they’d visited in from time to time over the years.
It didn’t matter where they went. And if they changed their minds, stopped somewhere else, went in another direction, it didn’t matter. This was about a week for just the two of them, to mark a decade of challenges and triumphs. And love.
Kathleen had been on the phone as they came into the house and had waved them into the living room, gesturing that she’d be with them in a minute. She entered the room and sat on the chair across from them.
Hayden was ready to burst with excitement about the trip, so she started right in. “Kathleen, Bri and I were wondering …” The sentence died as quickly as it had started as she looked at Kathleen’s grim expression.
Something was wrong. Very wrong.
“Kathleen?”
She wasn’t sure Kathleen was going to respond, but finally she sighed and said, “Brian, Hayden, we need to talk. I’ve tried to tell you this so many times the last few weeks, and I’ve decided the only way to get it done is to just say it. My cancer is back.”
Hayden sat quietly, trying to absorb Kathleen’s announcement, but didn’t make it very far. She sort of stuck on the word cancer and couldn’t get much further.
“I’ve had all the tests and waited until I had the results to tell you.”
The very idea of it was so horrible, so monstrous, that it was easier to ignore the idea of Kathleen having the disease again, and immediately think about the practicalities.
Doctor appointments.
More chemo?
She and Brian would have to postpone the trip. She’d have to confirm how many sick days she had at work in order to accommodate Kathleen’s treatments, which she knew from Kathleen’s first bout with cancer, would be frequent and taxing especially in the initial weeks.
Hayden’s thoughts were whizzing along, a mile a minute as she listed and cataloged all the things she’d have to do.
Finally, she ran out of things and glanced at Brian, who had sat equally silent. He took his arm from around her shoulder and slid a fraction of an inch away, then leaned toward his mother. “What treatments are they planning? Same as last ti—”
Kathleen shook her head, abruptly stopping his sentence.
“There won’t be any chemo or radiation this time. The cancer’s very aggressive—it’s spreading fast and is already systemic. There’s nothing to do. It’s a matter of time now. All the tests have been taken, I’ve seen the results.”
The news that Kathleen’s cancer was back had been a shock, but this? Hayden didn’t even begin to know how to process the words.
“I’ve already set up an appointment with Hospice,” Kathleen continued. “My only concern now is quality of life. Whatever time I have left, I want to be as comfortable as possible.”
Brian got up and knelt by his mother’s chair. “But …”
Kathleen reached out and gently touched his cheek.
Hayden wished she could cry, could walk over and hug Kathleen … hug Brian. Do something to comfort them both, but she couldn’t.
Kathleen kissed Brian’s forehead. “Kids, there’s nothing left to try. I’m dying.”
She said it so simply. A statement of a truth that Hayden wasn’t ready to hear.
Obviously, neither was Brian. “But you look fine, Mom. I know your arm’s been bothering you, but other than that, you’re fine.”
“For now, I am fine. I’m planning to live every minute there’s left out loud. Big and noisy. I want to spend time with all of you. Go up to Lake Erie as the leaves change and just enjoy the beauty of it all.” She looked from Brian to Hayden. “I’ve promised to take advantage of every moment that’s left to me. I want to spend them with the people that matter most … with the two of you and Livie.”
Hayden couldn’t think straight, couldn’t quite make sense of what Kathleen was saying. It sounded as if she was giving up, accepting the doctors’ decree and letting go. Arranging her last days.
Hayden refused to stand by and watch her die without a fight. “Let me do some research. We could find other hospitals. New, cutting-edge treatments and maybe some drug trials. We’ll take you anywhere, do anything—”
“Hayden, life isn’t about where you go—it’s about the journey. You can live life quietly, watching the world go by, afraid to take a chance and fail. Or you can throw caution to the wind and live life to the fullest. I’m not talking about trying a new medication, a new treatment.”
“You’re quitting.” She felt something then. A smoldering rage started to burn in her stomach. “You’re not even going to try? You’re going to leave us?”
“No. I’m quitting my job, but I’m not quitting on life. I plan to make the most of what time I’ve got left. I’m not going to spend it worrying, but rather, living. Like I said, life is all about taking a chance. Sure you’ll fall on your face sometimes, but sometimes you’ll reach new heights. Either way, just trying will take you to new, unexpected horizons. I don’t want to watch life from the sidelines, sick from medications and treatments that aren’t going to buy me much, if any, time. The quality has to count.”
Hayden didn’t say anything, couldn’t.
“Time?” Brian asked. “How long?”
Kathleen shrugged. “Months. A year? Like I said, I’ve made an appointment with Hospice. I don’t want to die in the hospital.”
Hayden tamped down her anger. “You’ll be here. Home.” It was a promise.
Her voice suddenly smaller, Kathleen added, “I don’t want to be alone. That’s the only thing I fear in this.”
“You won’t be alone,” Hayden vowed. “You’ll be with all of us.”
Brian was silent.
Pushing aside everything but Kathleen’s needs, Hayden tried to decide what their priorities would have to be. First, where they would live.
“You can move in with us, we can move in here, or we’ll sell both places and buy a third. You’ll be with us no matter where, for as long as you have.”
The look of relief that swept over Kathleen’s face told Hayden that she’d been more worried than she’d let on with her bald announcement. “I’d like to stay here, but I can understand if you’d rather keep your home.”
“Mom …” Brian looked helplessly at Hayden.
Hayden looked directly at Kathleen. “This was the first real home I ever knew. It’s still our home. We’ll sell our place and move in here.”
Kathleen visibly relaxed. “Thank you.”
“There’s nothing to thank us for. We’re here for you.”
And with that major question answered, Kathleen took Hayden’s hand, then Brian’s. “Thank you both. I’ll move down to my office and you two can take the master bedroom. Livie can keep the room she’s always had here.”
Hayden shook her head. “You don’t have to give up your bedroom—”
Kathleen interrupted her. “The stairs have gotten to be a bit difficult, so it’s for the best.”
Brian knew he should say something to Hayden as they walked back to their house. But he couldn’t find anything to say. She’d just agreed to throw their whole lives into upheaval for his mother. His dying mother.
He should say thank-you to Hayden.
He should say he loved her.
He should find something comforting to say.
But he couldn’t say anything.
If he said any of those things, then he would be admitting his mother wasn’t going to recover from this. He wasn’t ready to accept that. Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
Hayden, on the other hand, obviously had no difficulty accepting the news. Why, she had them practically packed up and moved in already. She’d agreed to go to the appointment with Hospice with his mother. She was charging ahead, while he needed to stop and digest everything.
As they reached the house and opened the door, Brian hurried toward the family room hoping Hayden wouldn’t follow.
But Hayden followed him. “Bri?”
“I don’t want to talk about it yet, Hayden. About any of it.”
He turned on the television and surfed his way over to ESPN, not caring what was on, just needing something to distract him, something to make Hayden go away and give him some space.
She didn’t leave. Instead, she sat down on the other recliner, her hand on her locket, pulling back and forth along its chain. “Bri, we have to talk. We have to sort this out.”
“Listen, it’s not you. I’m just …” He wasn’t sure what he was.
He was angry. Furious at the cancer, and he knew that was absurd. It was disease, nothing he could fight, but he wanted to do something. Hurting for himself, for Hayden and Livie, and mainly for his mom, it wasn’t fair she had to go through this again. “Listen, I just need some time by myself to work this out.”
“But—”
The phone rang.
“You’d better get that.” Brian’s voice sounded foreign to his own ears. He could tell it didn’t sound right to Hayden, either. Her expressions were so vivid and he’d learned to read them so well. She was scared. Scared for his mom. Scared for him.
“Bri, whoever it is can leave a message. We need to talk about this.”
“There’s nothing more to say. And what if it’s Livie?”
He saw her reluctance, but was relieved when she picked up the phone on the end table.
“Hello?” Her brow furrowed and her expression darkened as she listened.
“Yes. I’ll be there when I can.” She slammed the receiver down into the charging base. “It’s my mom. She can wait.”
Glad that they could put off this conversation a while longer, he said, “You don’t have to wait. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine,” she argued. “Neither am I. We really do need to talk when I get back.”
“There’s nothing to say.”
“Are you mad that I said we’d move in there? Her house has always felt like our real home.”
“No, I’m not mad.” And that was the biggest lie he’d ever told Hayden.
He was furious. Not about the move. She was right, that house had been home since he and his mom moved there. It’s still where they all went to share holidays. And Livie probably spent as much time there as she did here.
No, moving to his mom’s wasn’t it. He was furious that his mom was sick, that there was nothing that could be done, that she was going to die.
“I just need some time, Hayden,” he said again. “You go do what you need to. We’ll both take tonight, then tomorrow we’ll tell Livie and do everything else we need to do.”
She looked unsure, but leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Okay. I’ll take my cell. Call if you need me.”
“I won’t need you.” She flinched and looked hurt by the words, so he tried to soften them. “That’s not what I meant. I love you. We’ll get through this.”
He watched her turn and leave, concern for him still evident in her last glance.
“I love you,” she said softly, leaving the room before he could respond.
Hayden remembered that day. They’d been so happy, so united. Then Kathleen broke her news.
Before she’d left for the nursing home, Hayden willed Brian to call her back, to tell her he loved her. But he didn’t call her, so she kept on walking. There had been a distance between them that had never been there before. Not even during the years he’d lived in California.
She’d thought they’d bridge that distance once Brian had taken some time to adjust. But they hadn’t.
She realized that was when they’d taken a first step away from each other, and it felt as if they’d been taking more steps since.