Chapter Fifteen
Funeral homes always seemed muted to Hayden. Soft colors, the overpowering smell of flowers, people’s whispers as they shared their grief. Platitudes, euphemisms employed to try and disguise the truth … someone was gone. In this case, it was Kathleen Conway.
Hayden stood next to Brian and Livie, to the left of the coffin. People viewed the casket, then greeted the three of them after they’d paid their respects to Kathleen. After their obligatory family condolences, they would go sit in the rows of chairs the funeral director had brought in this morning, all lined up, facing the casket that contained Kathleen.
No, not Kathleen, her remains. Kathleen was gone.
Every time Hayden reminded herself of that, the pain struck anew. But she kept saying the words to herself, needing to make them real. So far, it wasn’t working. There was still some small part of herself that couldn’t quite accept that Kathleen wasn’t coming back.
She remembered her first trip to a funeral home. It had been sparsely populated, and there had been only one sad arrangement of flowers. It had been for her father. Her primary emotion that day was a sense of embarrassment that she didn’t feel any kind of grief. She’d been to funerals since, friends and colleagues. All had been sad affairs, but she’d been there as a witness to someone else’s grief.
Today, it was her grief, her family’s, that was on display. And she couldn’t do it.
She hung on to it, clung to it and tucked it away, making a game of hiding it. Telling herself, if she could hold on to it for another ten minutes she’d let it go, then another ten … She crept forward minute by minute. Every time she thought she’d reached the end of her rope, she pushed a bit forward, clung to her pain a bit tighter.
Everyone finally settled and the minister began his eulogy. Hayden didn’t take in much.
Brian left her side and moved over, toward the center of the very crowded room, to the microphone that she realized the minister had vacated.
Brian looked good in his dark blue suit. She noticed there was more than just a hint of gray at his temples. When had he’d turned so gray? She’d missed it.
“I wanted to say something here at the funeral, something that really captured my mother. I looked through books, searching for a quote. I picked up my mother’s Bible and a copy of Hayden’s graduation speech fell out. Holding it, I knew I’d found the words. Hayden’s words. She said, our true home isn’t just a place, it’s a feeling. It’s knowing that this is where you belong. That these are the people you belong to. That the door will always be open to you. Sometimes you’re born into your family, into your home. But if you’re not that lucky, you have to search.”
He set the paper down and looked out. His eyes met Hayden’s. “My mother’s house was not only my home, it was my wife, Hayden’s, my daughter, Livie’s. It was home to everyone who ever walked through the door. And to paraphrase Hayden’s speech, even though my mother’s moved on to a better place, she really hasn’t left home because we take those we love with us. And I know my mother has all of us with her on this new journey.”
He left the microphone.
Knowing she had to do this, still fighting to keep hold of her tears, Hayden rose and walked to the front of the church, passing Brian who was on his way back to their seats. She held out her hand, not sure he’d take it, but needing to touch him.
He hesitated, then reached out, their hands brushing each other lightly. That small feel of him centered and steadied her.
She stood in front of the microphone, looking at the packed room.
“Like Brian, I wanted to say something special up here, something that would commemorate and honor a terrific woman. And like Brian, the words I offer didn’t come from a book, they came from Kathleen herself. She told me that life isn’t about where you go—it’s about the journey. Kathleen filled her journey with love. She opened her heart to her family. She opened her heart to countless patients. She opened her heart to each and every one of you here with us today. Her life mattered to so many people whose own lives were better for having known Kathleen.
“She told me, you can live life quietly, watching the world go by, afraid to take a chance and fail. Or you can throw caution to the wind and live life to the fullest. Take chances. Sure, you’ll fall on your face sometimes, but sometimes you’ll reach new heights. Either way, just trying will take you to new, unexpected horizons. That’s what Kathleen did. She lived her life out loud and the world is quieter for her passing. It’s up to us to live loud and noisy lives in her honor.”
Hayden wished that she could claim to be living out loud, but right now, she was stuck in silence. Enveloped by it, tortured by it.
Pulling back from Brian again had hurt him. Though she knew it, she hadn’t been able to stop herself. She wanted to fix things between them, but she didn’t know where to start. She just kept hurting him.
And hurting Brain was the last thing she wanted to do.