Chapter Four
Brian listened to his mom and Hayden talking as the transport van lumbered toward their destination. If it had been some stranger listening, the person would never have guessed there was anything wrong as the two women laughed and reminisced.
They were talking about one of his mom’s visits to Philadelphia while Hayden was at Temple. They’d taken a trip into New York City to see the musical Les Miserables. “And that woman with the licorice behind us.” His mom smiled at the memory. “Hayden, I thought you were going to have a fit.”
“It was Les Mis, and there’s Jean Valjean, singing so beautifully and she’s crinkling the licorice’s cellophane.”
His mom turned to him and, as if he’d never heard the story before, said, “She shushed the woman. One long, unmistakable, shh.”
“Did the woman shush?” he asked on cue, willing to hear any of his mom’s remembrances for the umpteenth time, if only she’d continue smiling like that.
“She sure did.” Kathleen laughed again, and the two of them continued talking about that trip.
He was remembering his trip to Philadelphia, and wishing he hadn’t been such an ass. If he’d made Hayden talk to him, or insisted she listen while he talked to her, maybe they wouldn’t have wasted all those years.
Instead, the next morning, when he’d started with, “Hayden, I took advantage of you—”
She’d cut him off. “Maybe I took advantage of you?” She’d waited, and when he didn’t respond, she’d simply said, “We did what we did, now it’s over. We have more important things to talk about.”
On the surface, he and Hayden had seemed to be okay, but he knew they’d changed—and not for the better.
Here in the van, he noticed Hayden reach down and hold the locket she always wore around her neck, zipping it back and forth along its chain. He wasn’t sure she was aware of how often she did that.
He saw his mom look at the locket, still clasped in Hayden’s hand. Hayden looked at it, as well.
Brian hadn’t been there when she got it, and it wasn’t a story his mother usually brought up, mainly out of consideration for him. She was afraid it would hurt him, recalling what he’d missed.
He’d been offered the job in Philadelphia, but his mother had persuaded him to stay put in California. A five-hour car trip home, or a seven-hour flight? It was a horse a piece, she’d said. Why give up his job when he’d only save himself a couple hours of travel.
The doctor felt he’d got all the cancer, they hadn’t found any evidence it had invaded her lymph nodes. She was on the mend.
Hayden was working at St. Bart’s with his mom. She was there to help her through the chemo and radiation. There was no reason for him to uproot his life for her.
So he’d stayed, hoping the job in Pittsburgh would come through.
“The locket,” his mom said.
“The locket,” Hayden echoed, still clutching it.
1989
Hayden woke up to the sound of her alarm around three in the afternoon. She worked the night shift at St. Bartholomew. She’d been thrilled to get a job at the same hospital Kathleen worked at. Hayden was assigned to the pediatric floor and loved it.
What she didn’t love was waking up.
She’d purposely put her alarm across the room so she had to get up to turn it off. She stumbled across the room, hit the alarm and opened the blinds, blinking against the glare of the sun.
She stared out the window. She loved this time of year. Summer was fading into fall. The leaves had lost their green glow and were fading to a darker, tired green that would soon give way to a burst of color—a final fanfare before they fell and winter set in.
It wasn’t just the trees, it was the air. Crisp and cool. It still smelled of freshly mowed lawns, but beneath that Hayden always felt the early autumn air had the scent of apples. It could have something to do with the apple tree in Kathleen’s backyard, or it could be that she associated early fall with apple cider and pies. Either way, fall meant apples to her.
This year, however, as much as she tried to muster her usual enthusiasm for the start of her favorite season, the coming conversation loomed so heavily over her that it was next to impossible.
It was time to be brave and get on with it. She was four months out of college, had a wonderful new job. She was an adult, and adults didn’t hide from problems, they faced them.
At first she’d hesitated, not wanting to add to Kathleen’s burden. Radiation was enough to deal with. But the treatments were finished and Kathleen was slowly recovering her strength.
Hayden couldn’t put off the conversation any longer.
She grabbed a quick shower, dressed, then went looking for Kathleen. She found her in the front yard, planting mums in between the bushes.
“Kathleen?”
Kathleen was kneeling by a small hole, tapping the bottom of the pot to loosen the mum’s roots. She looked up and smiled. “Want to pick up a shovel and help?”
She smiled as she asked because she knew Hayden’s aversion to things like dirt, worms and bugs. Gardening was so not Hayden’s thing. Most days, she’d have laughed at Kathleen’s harmless teasing, but today, she had to really work to even force a smile.
“We have to talk.” Grateful she’d finally started, still, she worried, knowing that after the words were said, things would change. The thought that Kathleen might feel anything less for her was something that made her feel physically sick.
Kathleen grew serious. She stood and wiped her hands on the front of her jeans. “It seems as if this might be a conversation that would be better inside.”
She left her tools and half-planted mums, and took Hayden into the kitchen, washed her hands, and added, “Let’s go into the living room.”
Kathleen looked tired. “You’ve only been back to work for two days. Maybe you should take it easy.”
“I spent the whole summer taking it easy. This is a good kind of tired. I’m accomplishing things again. Back to work at the hospital. Even planting flowers. It helps.”
Kathleen sank onto the couch and closed her eyes. The movement only emphasized the dark circles underneath them. Hayden should have realized that Kathleen would be exhausted. Maybe their discussion should wait a bit longer.
“Brian called this morning, while you were asleep.” Kathleen radiated happiness. “He’s walking on air. That teen center he helped start? It’s garnered a lot of attention and he’s been asked to serve on the governor’s advisory committee on child welfare.”
“Oh, Kathleen, that’s wonderful.”
“He’s so excited. This is his chance to do some real good. He hesitated accepting, saying he’d heard about the job here in Pittsburgh and he could start in October, but I told him I’d never speak to him again if he took it. I’m fine, you’re here.”
“So he’s turning it down?”
“Turned it down. He called me again, afterward …” She paused, and smiled. “I have to thank you for that.”
“Me?”
“You changed jobs in order to move back and take care of me. That’s why he didn’t say yes to the job in Philadelphia, and why he waited for the position in Pittsburgh to open up. That’s why he was still in Los Angeles, and why he was offered this new opportunity. That’s a lot of whys I have to thank you for.” She wiped at her eyes. “Look at me, sentimental old woman that I am. I’ve been waiting for you to wake up. I stopped at Harper’s Jewelry Store on the way home. I found this and couldn’t resist.”
She took a small black velvet box out of her pocket and handed it to Hayden. “Open it.”
Hayden paused. “Kathleen, you shouldn’t have. You’ve done so much and I—”
“Don’t.”
Hayden was startled by the sharp tone in Kathleen’s voice. It sounded foreign.
“I mean it, don’t. You’ve sung this song for more than a decade. I don’t want your thanks. I don’t need your gratitude. That’s not why I invited you into my house. I invited you in because you were already in my heart. I don’t know what it was, but there was something about you that pulled at me, right from the start. Maybe at first, it was simply that you were small and obviously needed someone. But later, it was more. You were, are, my daughter in every way that matters. Everything I’ve done, everything that you feel you have to thank me for with such frightening repetitivity was, and is, selfish. I’ve done those things, will continue to do them, because I love you. Because I’m proud of you.”
“Kathleen—”
“And don’t think I don’t know why you’ve started your nursing career here, why you moved home. I didn’t want you giving up your hospital job in Philadelphia, but a very selfish part of me is glad you did because I don’t know what I’d have done without you these last few months.” She wiped at her eyes again. “Now, open your gift. Then, and only then, you can tell me what you wanted to tell me.”
Hayden’s fingers were trembling as she opened the box. “Oh, Kathleen.”
“You’ve never mentioned much about your family’s origins, but I thought with a name like MacNulty you had to have at least a bit of the Emerald Island floating through your veins. I saw this and thought of you.”
“It’s beautiful.” She turned the gold locket over, admiring it. The silver Celtic knot engraved on the front was exquisite. She traced the lines. “Beautiful.”
“Open it.”
A picture of Kathleen on one side, Brian’s college graduation picture on the other.
Kathleen reached out and took Hayden’s hand. “You might have other blood family, but DNA couldn’t make the bond I feel, the love I feel, any greater.”
It was too much. Just too much. “I hope you feel that way after I tell you what I need to say.”
“Nothing can alter the way I feel about you.”
Hayden didn’t want to say the words, to spoil Kathleen’s generous act, but she knew she couldn’t wait.
“I’m pregnant.”
The moment the words rolled off her tongue she felt both relief and a breathless nervousness as she waited for Kathleen’s reaction.
But before Kathleen could respond, Hayden held up her hand, stopping her. “There’s more.”
“Twins?” Kathleen offered her a small smile.
“No. I mean, not that I’ve heard. I mean, God, I hope not. I don’t even know if I’m ready for one.”
“Do you want to tell me who the father is?”
“Now, there’s where it gets tricky.” Before she could spit out the name, she saw Kathleen deduce it for herself.
“Brian.”
Hayden nodded. “Yes. It was just one time. One very vulnerable time. And—”
“He asked you to marry him when you told him?” Kathleen’s expression shifted—her voice sounded heavy as she guessed, “You haven’t told him?”
“Not yet. But there won’t be a marriage.”
“Hayden—”
Hayden cut her off. “You just told me about this fantastic appointment. He’s got a life in California. He’s making a difference … through Save Our Children, through the teen center, and now, this chance to be on the governor’s advisory committee. He’s got plans, and a baby was never a part of them. I’ll tell him—”
“He’ll want to marry you.”
“I won’t do it. I won’t let him marry me because of a baby.” Hayden had gone round and round this part of it in her head, and just couldn’t find a way to make it work. A marriage forged out of obligation wasn’t something she wanted for herself. And she loved Brian too much to do that to him.
Her hands drifted to her barely bulging belly, she already loved this baby too much to give her or him that kind of family. So, she shook her head as she said, “I’ve weighed this every which way, but I can’t do it. I love him—”
“You always have,” Kathleen said quietly.
There was no reason to hide it. She’d always known Kathleen knew, even if Brian seemed oblivious to the fact.
“He loves you, too. Always has,” Kathleen assured her.
“Not the right way.”
“There’s a right way to love?”
“He’s not in love with me,” she corrected. “And I’ll confess, I want it all.”
“All or nothing. Compromise has always come hard to you. It’s why you were such a good student, you wouldn’t settle for good enough, you wanted the best. But life isn’t black-and-white. Don’t let your pride stand in the way of fulfilling your dreams.”
“I won’t. Brian should be a part of the baby’s life. But I can’t marry him. I can’t hurt Brian, trap him in a marriage he didn’t want, and would never have considered without the pregnancy. That only leads to bitterness and regret. Kathleen, I do love Brian. That night … It was just once. We were both hurting and comforted each other. It was love, but not the kind that leads to marriage.”
Kathleen touched her cheek. “Oh, Hayden. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. This might not be the ideal situation, but I already love this baby more than you can imagine. And I swear, I’ll be a good mother. I know, given my family, you might be worried, but I promise you, I’ll do right by her or him.”
“Honey, I’m sure you’ll be a great mother.”
“I was going to call Brian, but maybe it would be better if I told him in person. I need to be sure he understands, that he realizes I don’t want his life to change.”
“His life will change.”
Hayden knew Kathleen was right. “I can do what I can to mitigate that. Convince him to accept the appointment, to go on with what he’s achieved so far in California. I can handle this. I want this baby,” she confessed. “Want it so bad. I admit, not the best way to go about it, but …”
Kathleen squeezed Hayden’s hand and smiled, hoping to reassure her. “Oh, Hayden, do you know what this means? I’m going to be a grandmother.”
“Yes, yes, you are.” Hayden sat rigidly next to her.
Kathleen knew things weren’t going to be as easy as Hayden hoped, but she’d do what she could to help both the kids and the baby. Her grandchild. Despite everything, she couldn’t quite contain her excitement over this new addition. “A grandmother. Oh, Hayden.”
“Amazing, isn’t it?”
“There’s so much to do, to plan. Now, of course, you know that you’re welcome to live here. I know you’ve been talking about moving out, but maybe you should wait until after the baby. I mean, don’t think you have to stay with me, or that I’m trying to …” She shook her head and chuckled. “Okay, I was about to say don’t think I’m being selfish, but truth is, I am. I’m not just saying that staying with me is an option, I’m asking you to. The truth is, I don’t want to miss a minute. I want you to stay here, to live here for a while longer.”
Hayden’s shoulders relaxed, and the tension seemed to melt away. “I’d love to stay, at least until after the baby arrives.”
“I’m going to be a grandmother. I swear, I’m going to spoil her, or him, rotten.”
“And I swear, I’ll let you.”
“A grandmother.” Kathleen got lost in the haze of possibilities. She’d lost her parents right after she’d married Adam. She still had some distant relatives, but no one she was close to. Now there would be a new generation in her family.
She tried to concentrate on practicalities. “As for work, if we stick to our current schedules, me on days, you on nights, then someone will be here with the baby all the time, unless you want to do daycare. I’ll understand if you do, but if you don’t, I’d love to keep my grandbaby. Childbirth classes? If you need a partner, I’m available …” She stopped.
“I’m railroading you.” Kathleen forced herself to slow down. “I don’t want you to think I’m being pushy and will take over. You decide what you want, and what I can do.”
Hayden laughed. “Not railroading. Just being you. He or she is so lucky to have you as a grandmother.”
“And lucky to have you and Brian as parents. No matter how this plays out between the two of you, this baby will know nothing but love from the both of you, and, of course, from me.”
Though she wouldn’t kid herself—she’d love to sit them down and tell them what to do, but she knew she wouldn’t. She’d advise, if asked. She’d listen. But she knew they had to find their own way. All she could do was offer them her support and her love.
She smiled at Hayden, hoping it would give her peace of mind. “So, there’s a huge question that should be answered immediately.”
Some of that tension crept back into Hayden shoulders, and she sat up straighter, as if worried about what Kathleen was going to say.
“Am I to be Grandma, Mema, Nana or …” She continued naming every form of grandmother she could think of, and Hayden let her, laughing.
She worried about Brian and Hayden, but knew they were adults and had to work this out on their own. She’d like to tell Hayden not to be foolish and accept Brian’s inevitable proposal, to have him move home. She wouldn’t.
A grandmother.
She was going to be a grandmother.
Brian was riding high as he cruised down Hazeltine Avenue toward his apartment.
“Brian, dinner’s on me,” Lisa said. “After all, it’s not every day a man has a meeting with the governor and accepts an appointment to a special advisory committee.”
He wanted to say something humble, something about it not being a big deal, but it was. It was a very big deal. He couldn’t help but think about all the things he could set in motion, things that could make a difference for so many of the state’s children, with this position. “It is pretty cool.”
“Pretty cool?” She laughed. “Oh, Brian, you are the master of understatement.”
He slid his old convertible into its parking space. “Come in while I get changed.” They walked through the commons of the building complex toward his studio apartment.
He’d met Lisa through some mutual friends. She was a lawyer who lived a couple blocks from him. Bright, articulate and fun. She was easy to be with, and he’d needed someone in his life who was uncomplicated.
He’d spent the summer flying back and forth to Pittsburgh, trying to juggle his work, and still support his mother and Hayden. But his mother was better, getting stronger every day, and now this appointment. Things were looking up.
“Come on. It will only take me a minute to change.”
The complex was of a colonial style that would have seemed more at home in Pennsylvania than California, but maybe that’s why it had attracted him. It felt like home. His first floor studio opened to the courtyard.
He noticed someone on the doorstep. “Hayden?”
She looked up, as if surprised to see him. “Brian.”
“Hayden, what are you doing here?” She stood and he readied himself for her hug, but instead she smiled shyly.
“Brian.” She looked past him. “Oh, I’m sorry. You have a guest. I’ll just—”
“Lisa, this is Hayden, Hayden, Lisa.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve interrupted your …” She hesitated, as if not quite sure what to say. “Anyway, I’ll just go and you can call me in the morning. My flight home isn’t until evening.”
Lisa laughed. “So this is the famous Hayden. I’ve heard so much about you.”
Hayden didn’t seem to know what to say to that. “I’ll let you two—”
Lisa cut her off. “Don’t you worry about it. Brian and I can celebrate tomorrow night, after your flight. My place isn’t far. I’ll head home and let you two visit.”
“Thanks, Leese,” Brian said, at the same time Hayden said, “It can wait until tomorrow.”
Lisa ignored Hayden. “I’ll talk to you soon, Brian.” Lisa settled the argument starting back down the sidewalk. “Nice meeting you, Hayden.”
“You didn’t tell me you were coming,” Brian said to Hayden as he leaned past her to unlock the door.
“I came to talk to you.”
He felt a rush of fear. “The doctors said the cancer was gone. That it wasn’t in the lymph—”
“No, no, I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s not Kathleen. She’s fine. She’ll be monitored closely, but she’s fine. I do need to talk to you though. Could we go inside?”
“Sorry. Of course.”
Hayden stepped into the small foyer. He kept walking into the main room.
“Your apartment’s orderly.”
He looked around and noted that it would be hard for the sparsely furnished room to look anything but orderly. There was a couch, a recliner and a television in the living area. A table with two chairs in the kitchen, and he’d sectioned off his bedroom with a screen. He kept his desk behind it, as well, hiding a mess that would have led Hayden to a very different description of his place. “I keep meaning to do some decorating, but …” He shrugged.
“You’re busy. Your mom’s about bursting with pride over your new appointment. Congratulations.”
“Thanks.” He sat on the couch. “Have a seat and tell me why you’re here.”
Rather than sit by him, she perched on the edge of his recliner, as if ready to bolt. He’d never seen Hayden look so nervous.
“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked, hoping to calm her nerves.
“No. I just want to say this.”
“Hayden, you’re scaring me.”
“Bri, I’m pregnant.”
He didn’t know what to say, how to feel. He didn’t need to ask if it was his. Why else would Hayden be here?
He’d felt guilty about that night in Philadelphia, but now? That one irresponsible night had messed up all Hayden’s plans. It was going to change everything for her. He didn’t have to ask if she was keeping it. He didn’t have to ask anything at all.
“We’ll get married.” The words were out before he thought about them, but the minute he said them, he knew it was the right solution and waited for Hayden to agree.
When she didn’t say anything, he said it again. “We’ll get married and I’ll come back home. It’ll be all right, Hayden.”
She was silent another moment, then quietly asked, “Do you love me, Bri? Are you in love with me?”
“I do love you, but—”
She shook her head. “That but says it all. I love you, too, but I won’t marry you.”
That’s not what he’d expected her to say. “Then I’ll simply move home and convince you. I’ll just keep asking until you say yes.”
“No.”
“Hayden.” When his father had left his mom, he’d left Brian, as well. Brian couldn’t have a child and not be part of his or her life. How could Hayden not see that?
“No,” she repeated. “I didn’t come here to bring you home, to make you marry me. Actually, it’s the opposite. I came to convince you to stay here. I wanted to assure you that I’ll do whatever I can so that you’re a part of the baby’s life.”
“You’re right. I will be because—”
“Brian, Kathleen told me about this governor’s appointment. You can’t walk away from that. I don’t want you to give up what you’ve worked so hard for. You can do so much good here.”
“I belong there. With you.”
“If you move home, then I’ll move out.”
She said the words with such finality that Brian didn’t doubt her. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he realized Hayden didn’t want him. “Hayden, I can’t leave you to go through this on your own.”
“I’m not on my own. Kathleen’s beyond excited.”
“You told her already?” He knew it shouldn’t, but knowing she hadn’t come to him first hurt. She’d turned to his mother before she’d turned to him.
“Yes. And when she told me the first thing you’d do is propose, I told her I wouldn’t marry you. It might be selfish, but I want it all, Brian. I want a man who’s madly in love with me, who can’t live without me. I don’t want to be anybody’s obligation. I won’t do that to me, to you or to our baby.”
He didn’t know what to say, how to make her see that she’d never be merely an obligation to him. “Hayden.”
“I’ll ask again, are you in love with me?”
“I don’t know how to answer that. I love you. You’re my best friend. You’re a big part of my life.”
“I think you’ve answered it, and my answer is no. Everything’s going to be fine, Brian. I won’t marry you.”
He tried to think of some assurance she’d accept, but he couldn’t quite get his thoughts together.
She waited a moment, then continued. “I mean it, I don’t want you moving home.
“Kathleen and I have it all sorted. I’m working nights, she’ll work days. The baby won’t have to go into daycare. She’s on our side.”
“She’s on your side. If she were on my side, she’d be helping me figure out how to convince you to marry me.” That stung, too. It felt as if suddenly he was being pushed out of the family, that he’d become an outsider.
“Bri, this baby will have both its parents. I swear, I’ll never do anything to keep you from being a part of the baby’s life. Stay here, serve on your committee. Help all the kids who didn’t have Conways down the street to take them in. I’ll do everything I possibly can to facilitate your relationship with our child. I swear it. But I can’t marry you.”
His confusion was clearing and in its place was anger. “Won’t marry me. I know I can’t make you, but I’m moving home and will try and make you see sense.”
“Brian, don’t. I mean it, I’d move.”
“Hayden.”
“Brian, you can do so much good here.”
“You need me there.” He said the words as a statement, but it was more of a question. He wanted Hayden to assure him that she did need him. That she couldn’t go through this pregnancy without him.
But instead, she said, “The truth of it is, I don’t. I have things in hand. I couldn’t not tell you about the baby, but I didn’t tell you in order to elicit your pity, or some sense of duty. Like I said, stay here. You’ve built a life, you have a girlfriend—”
“She’s not a girlfriend. She’s just a friend.”
“If the way she was looking at you is any indication, a friend who could be more. I don’t want you to give up someone who might be really good for you, Brian.”
“Being a full-time father might be really good for me. I want to be a part of this baby’s life.”
“A baby you didn’t know existed until a few minutes ago.”
“Hayden, I want to be part of my baby’s life.”
“You can be as much a part as you want. If it would make you rest easier, I’ll see a lawyer and have papers drawn up saying exactly that. You’ll be as active in this baby’s life as you want to be.”
He knew he had no choice but to acquiesce. He’d known Hayden long enough that there would be no fighting her once her mind was made up. He’d keep trying to persuade her that she needed him, that she should marry him, but her expression said he wouldn’t get very far. “You’re sure?”
“Positive.” It was as if a door had slammed shut. “Oh, and Bri, you should hear her plans. Your mom’s been racing a mile-a-minute since I gave her the news. She’s champing at the bit. She wants to clean out the room today, order the furniture tomorrow. I haven’t seen her look so good since before the cancer.”
Brian listened to Hayden recounting all his mother’s plans and knew somehow he could have been there, could have been a part of it, if only he’d been able to find the right argument, the right words to convince her they should marry.
He was stung that Hayden so clearly didn’t want him. She’d made plans and worked everything out without him.
He was going to be a father.
But not a husband.