Chapter Twenty
The thing Brian loved about the Southampton cottage they’d always rented was its sense of togetherness and simplicity.
There were no friends for Livie to run off with, no jobs or distraction calling him or Hayden away from the family.
His mom had implemented a no-television policy here when he was a child, and they’d maintained it on Hayden’s two visits. That meant finding ways to entertain themselves as a family. They’d spent the last three days doing just that.
Trips to the beach. The local sites. Board games that simply gathered dust in a closet at home became entire evenings worth of entertainment. Scrabble, Monopoly, card games. Hayden, despite her normal easygoing nature, was highly competitive, and Livie was a chip off the mom block. He watched the two of them finish a particularly long game of Scrabble.
“Disease,” Livie crowed, laying D-I-S on top of a previously played EASE. “Ah, all those spelling bees pay off. I’ve got a great vocabulary, if I do say so myself. And that’s it. I used all my letters. Game’s over. How many do you have left, Mom?”
“The stupid Q. If you’d left any of the U’s open, I’d be the one gloating right now.”
“Unfortunately, this game allows for only one winning gloater. Although, when you started the game off using all your letters, I seem to recall a bit of crowing then.”
Hayden turned to Brian for a show of support. “Do you see the type of child we’ve raised?”
“Dad, don’t listen to her. She’s just a sore loser.”
He laughed. “I suggest we proclaim Livie the winner, and go out to the beach.”
“Oh, we haven’t done iron ore yet.” Livie hurried to the closet, pulled out a bucket and chose three large magnets.
Watching Hayden grin as widely as Livie, he hastened to agree. He’d do anything to see both of them look so relaxed.
They each took a magnet—he’d used them all as a boy—then walked down the beach, looking for a dark patch of sand.
When they found some, they dragged their magnets along the sand, picking up the iron ore that was mixed into it.
He never could figure out what was so fun about the process. After all, the only thing they’d ever done was fill up small glass bottles with the ore, then cap them. He still had a couple of the bottles tucked around the house somewhere. But while he didn’t understand the whats and whys of the enjoyment of it, he couldn’t deny that it was fun.
As Livie talked about starting her senior year of high school, about her classes, about anything, he realized that maybe the fun of it came from the company. The three of them had nothing to do but chat and visit.
He stopped dragging his magnet and simply watched Hayden and Livie, trying to freeze the moment and store it away for the future.
His mom would have said, this is a good day. The thought made him smile.
“Dad,” Livie said, pulling him from his reverie, “I asked …” Her sentence faded away as her attention was drawn somewhere beyond where he sat.
He turned around and saw a small group, probably a family by the looks of it … a family that contained a boy who appeared to be the same age as Livie.
Brian turned and faced his daughter. “You were saying?” he prompted.
She blushed as she brought her attention back to him. “Uh …” she shrugged “… I have no idea.”
“Cute boys can do that to you,” Hayden teased.
“Mom …”
Brian and Hayden looked at each other and burst into chuckles. For that moment, they were connected. It felt like old times.
“You two need to grow up,” Livie grumbled, which only made them both laugh harder.
Livie picked up her magnet and started raking it through the sand again. “I thought we were hunting iron ore, not ganging up on me.”
“We can do both,” Hayden assured her.
“Multitasking. We’re good at it.” Brian wiped a bunch of iron ore into the bucket to prove the point.
Livie shot them eye daggers.
He held up his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. We’re done now, I promise.”
Livie snorted. “That’s what you say, but we all know that you love picking on me.”
“What can I say? When you’re good at something, you should—” He stopped as Hayden abruptly elbowed him playfully.
“Seriously, we’re done,” she promised their daughter.
Livie peeked up and over Brian’s shoulder. “He is cute,” she said, which set Brian and Hayden off again. This time Livie joined in.
As they sat laughing, teasing and sifting for iron ore, Brian considered what was going to happen between him and Hayden. He hadn’t pressed the issue because, truth be told, even after her apology, he wasn’t sure where they stood. So, he hoarded all the moments of this vacation and prepared to save them against that possible future. Moments he’d be able to recall and savor, ones he could look at and remember what it had been like when they were all together.
After about fifteen minutes, the boy in question came over. Brian started to rise, but Hayden took his hand and kept him seated.
“Hey,” said the kid.
He was tall, lanky and looked young. Very young. Had Brian ever been that young?
Livie stood as she answered with an equally articulate, “Hey.”
Brian wanted to get up and toss a towel over Livie, or better yet, a turtleneck and pants, but Hayden maintained her grip, keeping him from doing either. All he could do was study the boy in question.
“Wanna swim?” the kid asked.
“Sure.” Livie started with the kid toward the water, then suddenly remembered her parents. “I’ll be back, okay?”
Brian had just been reflecting on how nice it was that Livie didn’t have any friends to hang out with. The irony of her meeting someone within a couple hours of that thought wasn’t lost on him.
But he could sense the futility of mentioning so now, so he settled for, “Sure.”
Hayden released his hand and grinned at him.
“Did you notice that it was too cold earlier when I went in?”
“It was. But maybe it warmed up in the last few hours.” Hayden stared after their daughter, who was squealing as she followed the boy into the water. “It seems like a long time since we were that age.”
She and Brian sat alone on the sand, a half-filled sand bucket of iron ore between them.
Brian wished she hadn’t let go of his hand. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and take hers, then pull her into his arms.
They’d started growing closer, but they weren’t quite at that point yet. Then Hayden smiled at him, and as Brian smiled back, he acknowledged that he was willing to wait, to work at getting his wife back even more. She was worth it. They were worth it.
Somehow they’d do it.
Again, Brian had hopes that maybe they could figure a way out of this.
The next day Hayden stood washing dishes by hand. The cottage didn’t have a dishwasher, and normally she’d balk at the lack, but it was strangely comforting here, being at the sink, looking out the window at the wild sand-filled yard with its strange patches of flowers and weeds. To be honest, it was hard to tell which was which.
They only had a few days left, a few days left for her talk with Brian.
As if on cue, he came into the kitchen. “Want me to dry?”
“Sure.”
She waited, afraid he was going to start the talk, but instead, he simply picked up one of the glasses, stood next to her and dried it.
Hayden could smell Brian’s cologne. It was a spicy scent that over the years she’d become accustomed to, so much so that she rarely noted it anymore. It was just a part of Brian. But after their long emotional separation, it hit her as if for the first time.
She breathed deeply, remembering all the occasions he’d held her and she’d been enveloped by the scent. Brian took the cup from her hand, jolting her from her thoughts.
“This is such a pretty view.” He dried the cup, set it down and took another.
Hayden released a long breath. She hadn’t known she’d been holding it until that moment. She was so relieved that his choice of topic was the view not anything deeper.
“I was thinking the same thing. I—”
“Mom, Dad.” Livie burst into the kitchen from outside. “I ran into Tim, that boy on the beach yesterday. His family’s going to go up to Port Elgin and wanted to know if I could come along. Can I?”
Part of Hayden wanted to say no—she wanted to keep their daughter as her buffer zone from Brian. But looking at the excitement on Livie’s face and considering Brian’s choice of conversation topics, like the view from the window, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
“Sure, honey,” she finally said, and was rewarded by a quick hug. “Did they have any idea when they’d be back?”
“Mr. Johnson said probably not until after nine.”
“Okay. If it’s going to be later than that, call, okay?”
“Sure. I will. Thanks, Mom.” Livie ran upstairs and came back with a sweatshirt and her purse. She hurried to the door, but paused before opening it. “You’re sure the two of you don’t mind spending the day alone together? I mean, I could stay if you need me to.”
“We’ll be fine,” Brian assured Liv.
Hayden nodded her agreement, touched that Livie would change her plans to stay, and yet sad that their daughter felt the strain between Hayden and Brian so acutely that she’d feel as if she had to. “Go have fun.”
For a moment, Livie still hesitated.
“Go,” Hayden prompted.
And with another wave, Livie was gone.
Brian helped Hayden finish the dishes, but there was no more conversation between them. Immediately, the cottage seemed silent.
As they put away the last of the dishes, Hayden looked at Brian, who was looking back at her.
The day stretched before them. Just the two of them. It had been a long time since they’d been alone for a whole day. “So, what did you want to do?” She hoped he had some idea.
Brian hesitated. “I don’t know. Maybe just a quiet day. We could take a walk into town and get lunch there, rather than cook. Uh … We could do some reading and …” He shrugged.
“A walk a little later, then lunch sounds nice.” But that meant they had to fill the hours until lunch.
They both puttered around the house. Hayden could tell that Brian was trying to avoid her, but she couldn’t take offense because she was trying equally hard to avoid him.
They both finally settled, books in hand. Hayden was on the couch on one side of the big stone coffee table, Brian on the other in the recliner.
She picked up her book for the umpteenth time, trying to get lost in the words, but instead, getting lost in her thoughts as she toyed with her locket—the one Kathleen had given her so many years ago—running it back and forth along its chain.
Every time she sneaked a peek at Brian he seemed as fidgety as she felt. It was almost a contest … who would break first.
Brian did.
He set his book down with a thud on the stone coffee table and leaned forward, toward her. “Hayden, this is ridiculous. We have the house to ourselves for the day and a conversation that’s been hanging there between us, both of us know things need to be said, to be settled, but both of us are avoiding it.”
She followed suit, setting her book down and leaning toward him. “You’re right. If we’re going to do it, let’s just do it. It’s been months since things between us were right. We don’t talk, we don’t even sleep in the same bed.”
There were twin beds in the room they were using at the cottage. The last time they’d come, they’d pushed them together so they could sleep next to each other. This time they let them alone.
“I know.” He raked his fingers through his hair, looking frustrated. “Hayden, I just don’t know how it happened. How did we get here?”
Hayden knew she had to come clean, to own up. The knowledge had been weighing on her. “I could say it was me, that when Kathleen got sick, I shut myself off. All I could think of was my pain, my loss. That one day, in the tree house, I cried alone. You came and tried to help, but I wouldn’t let you in. I blew it.”
“I did try that day, but you tried, too.” Brian got up off the recliner and walked around the table, taking a seat next to her on the couch. “Hayden, look at me.”
Reluctantly, she did.
“Hayden, you were there for my mother when it counted. You comforted Livie. Helped her through the whole ordeal, both as it happened, and after. I hate to call you a liar, so I’ll settle for calling you confused. You thought of everyone and everything but yourself.”
She shook her head. It was a mark of Brian’s kindness that he tried to salve her conscience for her, but she knew better. “Bri, I didn’t comfort you. That day at the tree house, I didn’t let you comfort me. That’s what couples should do, comfort each other. Instead, I cut you off. That day, I was crying, but I couldn’t let you see it, I couldn’t let you cry with me.”
“Why?”
His question was so gentle it hurt, knowing that this was what she’d thrown away. She could have had his caring, his support, throughout Kathleen’s illness, and after. These last few months, she could have had this … him. But she shut him out. She didn’t know how to answer his question because she wasn’t really sure herself.
“Why? I don’t know. Maybe I was afraid if I cried with you I’d really let myself go. I’d fall apart and if I did that, I wasn’t sure I could put myself back together. And I had to be together to give Kathleen what she needed. Maybe that’s it, or maybe I just reverted to what I know, standing on my own two feet. Alone.” She reached out and took his hand. “It doesn’t matter why. What matters is that I’m sorry.”
She waited, knowing that he was going to agree that she should apologize. She’d pushed him away for so long, let the distance between them grow so great, they’d never get back to where they were.
After a long silence, Brian finally said, “Do you remember our first kiss, out in the yard? You’d brought me a chocolate milkshake?”
“And you threw a water balloon at me—”
“I’d promised you I’d get even that Thanksgiving my freshman year.”
She laughed. “You do know how to bide your time. And after that I kissed you. I didn’t plan it, didn’t mean to, but I did. And for a minute, I thought you kissed me back. But then, you broke it off and apologized.”
“Remember the first time we made love?”
“Brian, I remember all of it. You comforted me that night, and I thought it might be something more, but then you—”
“I apologized. That first kiss, the first time we made love … both times, I wanted you. Hayden, I can’t remember a time I didn’t want you. But back then, I pushed you away. I tried to tell myself that you were too young, that I was being noble. But, Hayden, I don’t know if you were ever really young. Given how you grew up, I don’t think so. Honestly, I was afraid that if I let myself truly fall for you, I’d lose myself in you. My mother loved my father like that, totally head-over-heels. When Adam left, it nearly killed her. I was afraid that if I truly fell, then you left, it would be like that for me. So I pushed you away.”
“Bri—”
He squeezed her hand. Slowly he said, “I pushed you away both of those times. I blew those opportunities to have sooner what we ended up having so much later.”
“Bri, but you came back, we found each other. So there’s no point—”
“Maybe loving someone means sometimes you blow it, but because they love you, they give you another chance.”
“Are you saying you’ll give me another chance?”
She waited, holding her breath for him to answer the question.
“No. I won’t give you another chance.”
Her heart sank at the finality in his voice. She blinked hard, determined not to cry. She’d known this was coming, actually knew it back when they married. She’d known Brian couldn’t stay in love with someone like her.
“Hayden.” He reached out, took her chin and gently forced her to look up and meet his eyes. “Hayden, you don’t need another chance, but I’m hoping you’ll give me another one. A third one. I know I don’t deserve it.”
“Bri, you didn’t do anything.”
“You’re wrong. You didn’t mess things up between us, I did. I heard you crying in that tree house. Hell, I could see your pain every single day. I could have reached out to you, could have beaten down your wall and made you share. I could have told you that if you fell to pieces, I’d help you pick them up. But I didn’t push, didn’t hold you. I just walked away and let my own pain consume me. I let you take care of everything, of everybody. I blew it, Hayden. And though this is the third time I’ve pushed you away when I should have held you close, I hope you’ll give me another chance. I swear, I’ll get it right. I’ll be there for you ”
“Brian, you’ve always been there for me. When you beat that kid on the bus for calling me Cootie. When you took me into your house and then invited me trick-or-treating. You shared your home and your mom. You’re my constant. Maybe I felt I could push you away because deep inside I believed you’d always come back. That’s not fair. It’s taking advantage. But I didn’t do it on purpose. And, Brian, you’re the first one in my entire life I’ve ever trusted enough to push.”
She laughed then, through her tears. “I don’t know if that’s truly a compliment, you know. But maybe that’s a good definition for what love is … knowing you can push the person you love and they’ll always come back.”
“New rule … if you push, I’ll pull. Like this …” He reached over, finally bridging the distance as he pulled her into his arms, pulling her tight and hugging her.
Hayden went willingly. Oh, so willingly. Coming into his arms was coming home. She’d missed this. Missed holding him, kissing him. Feeling as if she had the right.
She shifted, moving back, not to draw away, but to get closer. Their lips met and suddenly the tenderness of the hug deepened and intensified. They simply held each other and kissed, for how long Hayden couldn’t guess.
Brian was the one to break it off. “Hayden? You’re crying.”
She reached up and felt her cheek, wiping her eyes. She was. She hadn’t realized it. She knew they weren’t tears of sorrow, they were tears of joy. Tears of relief. “I’m happy. It feels like forever since I’ve been happy like this. You know, your mom told us to live out loud, but maybe she should have said, love out loud. I’m going to do just that. I want to tell you every day, I love you. I want to show you.”
“I love you, too.”
Those words seemed to settle everything. All the doubt, all the anxiety, all the pain.
They took their walk on the beach. The northerly wind kicked up, blowing over the lake, chilling them both as it picked up sand and sent it skittering. Waves crashed into the shore.
Brian’s arm was around her shoulder so Hayden scarcely noticed the chill.
When they were almost back to the cottage, Brian said, “We should probably go in.”
“Probably.” Despite the low temperature, she could stay out here forever, simply wrapped in Brian’s arms.
But then he grinned. “Livie’s not going to be home for a long time yet. I bet we could think of some way to warm up real quick.”
“Oh?”
“Well, we could start by moving our beds together, like last time and then we could …” He wiggled his eyebrow and grinned.
Hayden laughed a happy-to-the-center-of-her-being laugh. “We could …” She wiggled her brows. “I think that sounds like a perfect plan.”
Holding hands they bolted into the house. Hayden’s heart was light. Lighter than she could remember it.
And after they’d moved their beds together, it was lighter yet.
This. This was living out loud—loving Brian, being loved by him. How could she have ever doubted that?
He slipped under the covers and patted the bed next to him. “Come to bed, Hayden.”
But she knew what he was really saying was: come home to where you belong.
Hayden was happy to oblige.