Chapter Nine
“Hayden?” Brian had found her. She should have known he would.
Hayden pulled a tissue from her pocket, but after a minute of wiping, realized she was a wreck and no amount of tissues would help. Of course, she hadn’t planned to end up here. She did the best she could to clean up, hoping to minimize the traces of her meltdown.
“Hayden?”
She hated crying. She felt that it didn’t solve anything. Couldn’t make anything better. But Kathleen was getting worse, and there was nothing, absolutely nothing, Hayden could do. She felt so angry, so helpless. If she hadn’t let go of some of the feelings building up inside her, she’d have exploded. But giving in, just this once, to the hurt didn’t mean she wanted anyone else to witness her sobfest.
She could hear the ladder groan as Brian began climbing up to the old tree house. “Don’t come up, Bri. I’m on my way down.”
His head popped up into the doorway. “Too late. I thought maybe we could talk.” The tone of his voice was too kind. She knew that he knew why she’d come here, why she’d sought the comfort of this place, but she didn’t want to talk about it.
She was able to spout the statistics of Kathleen’s condition when Marti or the doctors required them. She could quote Kathleen’s meds, their strengths. She could rattle off Kathleen’s vitals. It was as easy as letting her training kick in.
But to talk about Kathleen’s decline on a personal level, just Hayden to Brian? She couldn’t do it. It was too close, too raw.
“I’m fine. I just needed a minute to clear my head.”
“Hayden …” He paused, then nodded. “Fine.” And he climbed back down the ladder.
She hurried after him, but Brian wasn’t waiting. He was walking through the trees to the house.
“Bri,” she called.
He stood in place as she caught up. “Did your mom need anything? Is that why you came to find me?”
“No, Hayden, my mother didn’t need anything.” His voice was resigned as he turned and walked away again. He hurried off toward the house.
Hayden remained where she was, frozen to the spot. The faint smell of woody dankness surrounding her in the shadow of the trees.
He’d needed her. Needed some comfort. Had come to her for it, and she’d turned him away.
She should go after him, to apologize, try and comfort him now. Try to tell him that everything would be all right, even though she knew it was a lie.
Should haves. Could haves.
Didn’ts.
Hayden didn’t go. She had nothing else to offer to anyone, no reserves to draw on.
She walked back to the house, alone. So alone. Cold and isolated.
And for the moment, that bone-aching coldness was almost a comfort. It was so much better than the pain that had become as much a part of her life as breathing had.
She knew once upon a time she’d been happy, but she could hardly remember those times, and she desperately needed to.
Marti was gathering her things as Hayden came back into the room. “You okay?”
Hayden nodded. “Anything new?”
“No. Her condition is stable, so all her meds are the same. But call right away if that changes.” Marti turned to Kathleen. “I’ll be in first thing tomorrow.”
Kathleen’s eyes fluttered a moment, then opened. “I’ll be here.” She smiled.
Hayden showed Marti out and immediately went back into Kathleen’s room, Brian at her heels.
“Hey, Mom,” he said as he leaned down and kissed her forehead.
Kathleen looked at Brian and Hayden’s haggard faces. She knew their concern and care for her was wearing them both out. The worry was reciprocated. Despite the fact Hayden had tried to disguise it, Kathleen could see that she’d been crying. And Brian was obviously miserable. They stood at the side of her hospital bed, not touching. Not even looking at each other.
Kathleen felt guilty and helpless. They were both holding on to their pain, not sharing it with each other.
She desperately wanted to talk some sense into them, make them see how much they needed one other. She didn’t know quite how to do it.
She kept trotting out old memories, not only because they comforted her, but also as a way to remind Hayden and Brian of better times. Of when they had pulled together, rather than apart. She wasn’t sure it helped, but it was all she could think of to try.
“Do you know what I was remembering today?”
“Another good day?” Hayden smiled as she used Kathleen’s pet phrase.
“A very good day. Six months after Livie made you and Brian your Halloween costumes. Do you both remember that night?”
Hayden got a faraway look in her eyes, and she slowly nodded.
Brian’s voice was a hoarse whisper as he said, “How could I forget.”
April 1996
“Mommy, are you going out again?”
“Yes.” Hayden peered into the small mirror in her room as she put a small silver hoop through her lobe. She looked over at Livie as she snapped it in place. “But Nana’s going to be watching you.”
“Couldn’t Daddy watch me?” Livie threw herself back on Hayden’s bed with enough force to bounce.
“I don’t think Daddy’s going to be able to tonight. It will be a special Nana and Livie night, just like old times.”
“Nana said we’re going to go to McDonald’s for dinner, then maybe go see a movie. When we go, we get the big popcorn and split it.”
Hayden could see Livie eying her, waiting for the mom-lecture on proper nutrition. She happily obliged. “Don’t eat so much you make yourself sick.”
Hayden loved that she fell so easily into mom-mode. Once she thought she’d never have children, for fear of turning into her parents, but she was pleased that she had turned into Kathleen instead, echoing things she used to say.
“I won’t get sick,” Livie muttered with a six-year-old scoff. “Daddy said I have a castor stomach.”
“Castor stomach?” Hayden thought a moment, then smiled. “A cast-iron stomach?”
Livie nodded. “Yeah.”
“Still, not too much junk food.”
Livie just laughed as she bounced herself back off the bed and hurried out of the room, without promising. Hayden didn’t have the heart to scold, or even to ask Kathleen to see to it her daughter had something nutritious for dinner. They loved these Nana and Livie dates, and Hayden realized every child deserved to feel special, and who better to spoil Livie than Kathleen?
She finished dressing and, while most of the time she hated going out and leaving Livie, she kissed her daughter goodbye with a smile and all but sprinted to her car. She was so anxious to meet Brian. There was an excited, fluttery feeling in the pit of her stomach.
She wasn’t sure where things were going, but she and Brian were doing their best to shelter Livie, keeping their dates clandestine. Despite being nervous at first, Hayden had to admit, she was happy. Completely happy.
Hayden drove to the restaurant, hardly noting the first blush of spring. She normally reveled in this time of year, but tonight it barely registered, her thoughts were too centered on Brian. On being with him. On spending time with him.
Wherever this led, this time with him would be enough. She’d be content with it.
And she’d worry about any potential fallout later. Right now, she was meeting Brian.
Brian waited at the restaurant, a sense of anticipation growing stronger with every second that ticked by.
Tonight was the night.
He’d picked C’est la Vie because Lois, the mayor’s personal assistant, had assured him it was dark, ritzy and full of ambiance, and he knew that women liked that kind of stuff. He was never sure exactly what it was they saw in dim rooms and fancy tablecloths. This was the kind of place that made a man worry about spilling. And he definitely didn’t get the whole multiple wineglasses and enough silverware to feed a dozen people thing. But he didn’t need to get it. He just needed it to impress Hayden. To show her that tonight’s date was special. At least he hoped it would be special—that it would be a night they talked about for the rest of their lives.
They’d been dating for months, and things were going so well. He’d held back, not wanting to rush Hayden, but he couldn’t wait any longer. He was going to ask her to marry him for the twenty-first time. Not that he was counting, or anything.
Oh, hell, who was he kidding? Of course he’d counted. Even though it had been years since he last asked her, each of her rejections had stolen a little piece of him. After the first ten, he vowed he’d stop asking at a dozen.
He’d reached fifteen when Livie was born, and swore he was done asking.
Then he told himself he wouldn’t count the times she didn’t let him get the question completely out.
He finally stopped when he’d come home for Livie’s baptism and asked yet again. And again, Hayden had rejected him. That had been number twenty and he’d stopped.
After all, Hayden had told him that she didn’t need him, that she wanted him to stay in Los Angeles because his job was important. It had been, but he recognized her real reason for not accepting his proposals. She had valued his friendship, but hadn’t wanted him that way.
But things had changed.
At least, he’d hoped they’d changed.
Twenty times he’d asked, and twenty times she’d said no. He was hoping this time, the twenty-first time, broke the curse. That she’d finally come to realize that they belonged together.
Those other times he’d asked, she’d always said that she wouldn’t marry because she “had to.” He understood her point then. But this was different. Six years had passed by. They’d both changed, both grown. Both had relationships. His divorce was final and awful Alex had long since gone. She’d never seen the guy again after their tenuous start on Halloween.
This was their time. His and Hayden’s.
He knew with an unalterable certainty that Hayden was the one for him.
He reached into his pocket, fingering the small package like a talisman.
He sensed her before he saw her.
“Brian.” Just his name, that’s all she said, but it was enough to make him smile.
He stood and pulled out her chair.
“You don’t need to—” she started.
He cut her off with a chuckle. “I know.” He sat back in his own chair and hitched it closer to hers. “I even understand why you prefer to decline. You’re a competent, independent woman who’s more than capable of pulling out her own chair. What can I say? I’m a caveman. A throwback. But fact is, I like pulling out your chair and opening doors for you. I like …”
He stopped, simply mesmerized by the sight of her. She’d dressed for the evening, a strappy black dress with small silver earrings and the locket she frequently wore.
She was beautiful. He must have said the words out loud, because she said, “I’m not. You’re just biased.”
“Not a bit.”
The waiter, as he’d arranged, appeared with a bottle of Dom. Hayden glanced at the bottle, then at him. “Brian?”
The waiter poured their champagne and Brian raised his glass. “Enjoy. We’re celebrating.”
Hayden raised her glass and clinked it against his. “Something nice at work? Did the committee agree with your recommendations?”
Brian had dug into his new position, working with the existing children’s welfare system he’d come up with a proposal to streamline things, reducing the paperwork for the social workers and adding a layer of checks and balances. His goal was to see that no child fell through the cracks.
He nodded. “They liked it and I think it’s going to make a difference, but that’s not what we’re celebrating.”
She didn’t ask again. She simply waited, much like his mother would have. Waited for him to find the words and share the news.
“Hayden, I planned to do this after our meal, but I can’t. Uh …” He faltered, despite the fact he’d rehearsed this in his head so many times. He took a deep breath, and started again. “We’ve known each other since I was twelve and you were eight. We’ve fought for each other, and with each other. We’ve been friends, best friends. We’ve made a beautiful daughter together. These last few months, since I came home … the two of us, together. Well, it’s been special.”
He ran out of steam and tried to formulate the next words. To put them together in such a way that she’d agree—that she couldn’t resist.
She took his hand. “Six months, Bri. It’s been six months since Halloween. They’re some of the most incredible times of my life.”
“I think we should tell Mom and Livie we’ve been dating.” He braced himself for her inevitable protest and tried to prepare his strategy. He was ready for a fight.
Hayden surprised him by nodding. “I’ve been worried about what would happen, that they could be hurt, if we were dating and ended up falling apart, but yes, you’re right. We can’t keep hiding that we’re together.”
Well, that was one part down, next came the bigger challenge. “But I don’t think we should just tell them we’ve been dating. I think we should tell them …”
He groped in his pocket, pulled out the package and pushed it toward her. “Open it.”
“Bri?” She stared at the small box with a deer-in-the-headlight look—unsure what to do.
He just nudged it closer and hoped.
Her hands shook as she took the package, pulled the bow and freed the small velvet box. She opened it with agonizing slowness, stared at it a moment, then looked up at him. “Brian?”
“Mom gave me my grandmother’s ring years ago and told me I could give it to my wife if I wanted, or save it. I didn’t give it to Lisa. Maybe that says something about us, something I should have listened to right up front. I mean, I know she wanted something ostentatious, but …” He paused. “I guess it’s bad form to bring up an ex-wife when you’re proposing.”
The box clattered to the table. “You’re proposing?”
“That’s what the ring is. A proposal. I want you to marry me.”
“Bri, I’ve said that I wouldn’t marry because I ‘had’ to—”
He didn’t let her finish, couldn’t bear to hear the word no again. “Dammit, Hayden, there’s no have-to’s here. There’s you and me, and what we have … what we’ve always had.”
“You stopped me too soon. I was going to say, all the other times you asked, I said I wouldn’t marry because I had to. I wanted it all. Maybe that was selfish. I don’t know. I didn’t want a marriage of necessity for us, or for Livie. I wanted the real deal. The till-death-do-us-part sort of thing.”
“I can give you that.” It wasn’t a rash promise, easily made, easily broken. It was the complete and utter truth.
She took the ring from the box and handed it to him, then extended her ring finger. “I know you can give me that, and if you ask me properly, I can give you my answer.”
That horrible tightness in his chest loosened. He started to get out of his seat, so he could get down on one knee, but she laughed. “I don’t think the kneeling thing is necessary. You’ll wrinkle your very nice pants.”
He’d kneel. He’d sit. He’d stand.
Hell, he’d juggle flaming swords.
He’d do whatever she asked, if only this time, she’d say yes.
So because she’d asked, he stayed seated, took her hand in his left one, and slid the ring toward her finger. “Hayden MacNulty, I love you and can’t imagine my life without you in it. Will you marry me?”
“Brian Conway, I’d be honored.” She nudged her finger forward, through the ring and nestled it in place. She admired how it looked there.
Brian was thankful she was momentarily distracted because he needed a minute to collect himself, to realize she’d said yes.
Just in case he’d misunderstood, he double checked. “Yes? You did say yes, right? You know I was asking you to marry me, asking you to spend the rest of your life with me, and you said yes and agreed, right?”
She took both of his hands in hers, then leaned across the table and kissed him, full out with no reservations.
She kissed him until he knew beyond a doubt she’d agreed.
When they broke apart, she said the words he hadn’t realized he’d been waiting to hear.
“I love you, Bri. I love the way you make me feel. Love the way you look at me. You’re the other half of my whole.”
She laughed and looked embarrassed. “That was a bit over the top, but I guess you get the picture.”
“Got it and liked it. I know it’s the same for me.”
She smiled.
If asked, Brian wouldn’t be able to say what it was they talked about through dinner. He wasn’t even sure what he was eating. All he knew was, as he sat next to Hayden, his engagement ring flashed on her hand as she ate.
She’d said yes.
He couldn’t get over the marvel of it.
As they finished their dessert he shook himself from his happy fog and put together a real thought. “Now we’re really going to have to talk to Mom and Livie. It’s going to be a bit of a shock.”
“A good shock, I think,” Hayden said. “After all Livie’s machinations, she’ll be thrilled. They’ll both be happy for us.”
Brian agreed. He thought his mother and daughter would be thrilled, but what if they weren’t? Would that be enough to keep Hayden from saying yes? Would she change her mind?
The road they’d taken to get here had been filled with twists and turns. He didn’t want any more. They deserved a happy ending. They deserved to live with their daughter and be a family.
They were both quiet on the short drive to his mom’s house, and as they got out of the car and walked up to the front door, Hayden slipped her hand into his.
It was such a simple gesture. Brian remembered all the times Hayden had held his hand when they were younger, but after he left for college, that had stopped.
He’d missed it.
Her hand in his felt right.
How could he have not known that before?
She toyed with the locket around her neck, slipping it back and forth along its chain.
He squeezed her hand, hoping to calm her.
“Nervous?” she whispered. Before he could say anything, she added, “I am.”
He didn’t answer the question. He just said, “I don’t expect there’s going to be a problem. They’ll be surprised, of course, but they’ll be pleased.”
“I hope so. Standing here is only prolonging things. Let’s go.”
“Wait. First, let’s …” He leaned down and kissed her. Kissed her as he’d wanted to back in the restaurant. Deep. Hard. As if he wanted to imprint himself on her lips, make her remember, no matter what reaction his mother and their daughter gave them, that they belonged together.
As the kiss slowed, moving to something softer and more tender, Hayden snuggled into his chest, so close that it was hard to tell where he left off and she began.
“I love you.” Her words were muffled against his shirt.
“Pardon me? I’m not sure I heard what you said. Could you repeat it?”
She laughed. “Ah, I forgot. You’re four years older than me. Four years closer to retirement, to needing a hearing aid.” Slowly, articulating carefully with a huge grin on her face. “Brian Conway, I-love-you.”
“And I—”
The door popped open and Livie stood there. “Daddy, you brought Mommy home from her date with awful Alex.”
Hayden looked up at him, then back at Livie. “Honey, I never said I had a date with Alex. I haven’t even thought about him in months.”
Livie tugged at her mother’s hand. “But you were all dressed up?”
His mom came up behind Livie and gave him a questioning look, then reached down and took Livie’s hand. “Livie, why don’t you let your parents come in off the porch?”
They all assembled in the living room. Livie chirped about her evening with her grandmother. Something about McDonald’s, ice cream and popcorn.
Normally, Brian savored these moments. Despite his nightly phone calls, he’d missed all those years in California. Tonight, all he could do was think about telling everyone he was going to marry Hayden. Once the words had been said out loud, he knew Hayden wouldn’t back out.
“Mom, Livie, would you both have a seat? We have something we want to tell you.”
He saw the moment his mother spotted the ring on Hayden’s finger. The dawning of understanding and the quick blossoming of a smile indicated she was as pleased as he’d thought she’d be.
“Brian and I,” Hayden said, taking the lead. She looked at Livie. “Your daddy and I have been dating. We didn’t want to tell you both in case things didn’t work out.”
Both Livie and Kathleen started laughing, as if on cue.
“What?” Brian and Hayden asked in unison.
Despite her glee, his mom said, “Hayden and Brian, Livie and I are so glad that neither of you had your hearts set on being international spies because—”
Livie interrupted, bounding from her seat next to his mom and onto the couch between them. “We knew you were dating.”
“But, you just asked about Alex.”
“Awful Alex was a red bear. I know he’s gone.” Livie sounded more like an amused adult than a six-year-old.
Brian knew Hayden had to be feeling just as confused as he did. “Red bear?”
“Red herring. Something to throw you off the track,” his mom clarified. “We didn’t want you both to know we knew you were dating. We knew you wanted your privacy, and we understood that.”
“Nana ’splained it all to me. So Nana and me pretended we didn’t know, but we did. That makes us trickier than you.”
“That certainly does,” Brian assured his daughter. “But we’re still tricky enough to know something you two don’t.”
Hayden reached over and took his hand. Again, he felt the rightness of the gesture. Holding her. Touching her. How had he gone so long without her?
His mom glanced again at Hayden’s ring, then back at him, her eyes twinkling with delight.
He laughed. “Okay, so maybe your Nana’s still trickier, but your mom and I have outgunned you, Livie.”
“We hope you’re as happy about our news as we are.” Hayden turned to him and he nodded. “Livie, your dad and I are going to get married.”
Brian wasn’t the sort of man who cried. He’d learned long ago to tuck most of his feelings away and keep them to himself. He’d never shed a tear when his father left, when he moved, when his marriage failed.
But at this moment, hugging his mother, his daughter and Hayden, his emotions were closer to the surface than normal.
When his mother kissed him, she said, “I’m glad you’ve finally come to your senses.” Then she turned to Hayden, kissed her cheek and said, “Welcome home, darling. You’ve always been the daughter of my heart and I’m glad you’ll be my daughter-in-law finally.”
At that one tender gesture, Brian brushed at his eye, telling himself it was only dust, but knowing he was lying to himself, and not really caring.
He watched the three women in his life talking, laughing, hugging each other and him. And though he could never compete with them on a conversational level—no man could—he was pretty sure he could match each and any of them in happiness.
Match them? Hell. He could win easily. Because truly, Brian couldn’t remember a happier night in his life.