Friendships had always been straightforward to me. I tended to like people immediately, and people were usually friendly to those who liked them.
And so it was strange to me that my relationship with Theo had taken the turn that it did. We weren’t friends per se, but in the past months we had struck up an odd sort of companionship. We often ran into each other at school or in the house, but other than an intense gaze and a curt nod, Theo rarely said anything to me.
He never asked to go with me to the watchtower again either, and on the few times I ran into him on the way there, we exchanged only short greetings and impersonal words.
It almost made me wonder if I had imagined our talks together, but when I got to the tower I would find things he left for me; a jacket, some snacks, a flask of coffee.
They were small gestures, but they made my heart beat impossibly fast. When I put on his jacket I would smell faint hints of his soap, and I could almost imagine that it was still warm from his body.
I found myself wondering what he thought about whenever he was in my secret hideout.
Did he feel like it was now our secret hideout, the way I did? Or was I reading too much into things?
It felt to me sometimes that Theo was hidden behind so many impenetrable layers that no one could reach him. No one, not even Theo Valentine knew who he truly was.
And other times, I couldn’t help thinking that perhaps I did. He was a puzzle, but maybe he wasn’t made to be unraveled, only understood. I was starting to realize that I was approaching the heart of Theo’s labyrinth, and it made me nervous and excited, the kind of jitters I thought one might feel before going on a first date.
I felt them again as I made my way through the mansion. It was late afternoon, and I was heading out to the tower today to paint. The weather promised a lovely storm, the sky turning gray with roiling clouds blowing in from the open ocean. If I moved quickly, I would make it there before it started pouring.
When I turned the corner to the servants’ stairs, I was surprised to see Estelle standing right there, looking like she had been waiting for me to go by.
She looked beautiful as usual in a knitted wrap over an elegant silk robe. Her long blond hair was left undone, draping her graceful shoulders in artfully tousled waves like she had just gotten out of bed.
It wasn’t hard to see why she was so loved by my father. She looked like a goddess, the kind of woman I once wanted to grow up to be.
But now that I knew the kind of person she was, I couldn’t help some resentment. This was a woman who used people, first Theo, and now my father. Her selfishness shone through her mask no matter how lovely she was, and that made Estelle truly ugly in my eyes.
I was taught manners however, and so I gave her my greetings. “Hi.”
Estelle’s red lips curved, but there was no warmth behind it. “Where are you going? It’s about to rain.”
“I’m on my way to paint. I’m gonna do storm clouds today.”
She glanced out the windows, as if expecting to catch me in a lie. “What a strange girl you are.”
It didn’t matter to me that she was calling me weird—I heard that from others often enough. What made me wary was the fact that she was speaking to me at all.
Estelle must have caught the suspicion in my gaze. “We’ve never really spoken before, have we?” she smiled. “Almost two years in the same house and we’re still strangers.”
“It’s a big house.”
“It is. One can go days without bumping into anyone else, and yet, I’ve heard from the servants that you’ve been talking to my son.”
So that was why she was waiting for me.
“That’s because we’re friends,” I said carefully.
Estelle smiled like she found that secretly funny. “Are you now?”
“Yes, and he’s really interesting to talk to once you get to know him.” I couldn’t help the little dig at Estelle. I probably said more to Theo in the past two years since I met him than she had her entire life.
“It’s sweet, the way you defend him,” Estelle purred. “Do you have a crush?”
“No!” My face heated up at the lie. “No, we’re just friends.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” she said kindly. “I’d hate for you to get your heart broken, you’re such a polite girl.”
“What does that mean?”
“Oh dear, this is awkward. It’s not right for a mother to be interfering in her son’s friendships, after all.” Estelle curved her lips, a viper’s smile. “He’s had girls, you know. More than a few, and all very pretty.”
“He hasn’t for a while now,” I said confidently, though her words stung a little.
“Do you know that for sure? You’re not dating, he doesn’t owe you an explanation.”
Estelle was right. Theo didn’t have to tell me if he was seeing someone, and I never asked. Maybe I was afraid that he’d say yes, but all the same I instinctively knew that Theo wasn’t.
“Why are you trying to upset me?” I asked instead.
Her lips pouted. “I’m looking out for you, darling. Us ladies have to stick together.”
I’d sooner stick myself to a nest of wasps. “Thanks, but I’m fine.”
Estelle didn’t let me go like I’d hoped. She leaned against the banister, taking her time to adjust her wrap and coyly reveal one bare shoulder.
“I hope I can share this with you, Karin. I don’t know who else I can talk to. Theo does seem to like you very much, so who knows, maybe you can give me some tips on how to train him.”
“Theo’s a person, not a dog.”
“He can be persuaded. I’m talking about your father’s will.” Estelle tilted her head, watching me closely. “You don’t look surprised. So my son already told you.”
“Theo knows what he’s doing.” I gave her a pointed look. “And anyway, I don’t want someone who doesn’t love my dad to take his money.”
“Oh, but I love your father! He’s everything I ever wanted.”
“He has everything you ever wanted,” I corrected quietly.
Estelle watched me for a long moment, her gaze so sharp that I struggled not to fidget under her scrutiny.
“You look like a sweet girl, but you’ve got a little bite, don’t you?” she said coolly. “I can see why Theo likes you so much. Let me make you a deal. If you help me convince him, you can have him.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Theo’s not a thing for you to trade however you like. He’s a person with feelings!”
“When you become a mother you'll understand. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my son.”
“Like sending him away in exchange for money? You used him then, just like you’re using him now to get closer to Dad.” I steeled myself. “If only you’d take the time to know Theo better. All he wants is—”
“A family.” The smile from Estelle was pitying. “I know my son better than you think, darling. But that’s a fairy tale, and Theo knows better than to believe in daydreams.”
“I'm not helping you. I'm on Theo’s side.”
Estelle nodded slowly, her gaze never leaving my face. “Alright. I see that I can’t change your mind. But it doesn’t matter. After all, I already have your father. He’s such a sweet man, he’d do anything for me.” Her blood-red lips curved into a faint smile. “Even more than he’d do for you or your sister, I imagine.”
I clenched my fists, refusing to show how deeply that cut.
Satisfied with the wound she’d inflicted, Estelle pushed off the railing and strolled past me in a cloud of perfume. “I’ve kept you long enough, darling. You may go.”
I hurried down the stairs, feeling Estelle’s hard stare watching me all the way. When I was out of her sights, I sprinted as fast as I could out the back door, racing through the forest in the rain.
I had never been truly afraid before, but now I thought I might be. Estelle had been cold and callous, but there was something sinister underneath that I couldn’t put my finger on. All I knew was that I wanted to feel the warmth of Theo’s arms around me again. I prayed silently that he would be at the tower.
My hoodie was wet from the rain when I finally got to the base of the tower. The sky was pouring, but thankfully the dense trees in the forest caught most of the water.
To my disappointment, the room at the top of the tower was empty, with no sign that anyone else had been there recently.
I sighed and crouched down by the window, narrowly avoiding a dripping spot from a hole in the roof. I wasn’t too proud to admit that I missed Theo. The talks we shared had been the kind of understanding I’d always dreamed of finding in someone.
It was funny then, that I found it in Theo. The only person in the world that I shared a deeper understanding with was himself an enigma. He was cruel yet kind. His words could cut sharper than a knife, yet he knew how to give comfort. And he wouldn’t admit it, but I knew Theo wanted a connection too. He was just too wary of what might happen if he let someone in.
Outside, the rain was a blanket of gray, so heavy that I could barely see where the sky ended and the sea began.
For some reason, I turned to the direction of the cliffs. My heart stuttered, and I did a double blink.
I thought I saw a figure on the highest one, standing right at the edge of it.
A flash of lightning told me that it wasn’t my imagination. My blood ran cold when I realized who it was.
“Theo!” I screamed his name but my voice was snatched by the howling wind. At the cliffs, Theo took a step towards the edge.
White hot terror gripped me, more frightening than anything I’d ever felt. Without another thought, I sprinted out of the tower and ran for the cliffs.
***
It was cold as balls out here. The rain was so heavy it was like an endless waterfall from the sky. I could barely make out the shadows of the rock faces surrounding me, or the tree line of the forest behind.
It reminded me of the seaside cliffs in Dover. The storms were more violent there, or perhaps it was my feelings towards the place that clouded my memory of it. Every time it rained like this, the scar at my side would begin to ache. I would feel an inexplicable need to get out of the indoors.
Meanwhile the icy rain had already soaked my clothes, trickling down the top of my boots and wetting the insides. Water rose around the soles with every second I spent out here in the mud, but I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the cold. The rain made me feel cleansed somehow, as if the water was washing away the ugliness and hate and darkness.
Arms wrapped around my waist suddenly, shocking me out of my reverie.
“Don’t.”
I half-turned to see Karin burying her face in my back, her arms trembling. She was soaked to the bone, her wet hair plastered to her face and neck.
“What are you doing here?”
“Come away from the edge.”
A glance down at my feet had me realizing that in my reminiscing, I had unknowingly stepped forward. I was closer to the edge than was safe, just meters shy from a sheer drop into the churning sea.
“Theo, come with me. Please.”
I didn’t know what was upsetting Karin, but I would do anything to take away that look in her eyes.
“Alright.”
I let her take my hand and lead me to safety. Karin moved slowly and carefully, as if she was trying to tame a wild horse and didn’t want to startle him.
We came to an overhanging rock sheltered from the worst of the rain, and there Karin threw her arms around my neck and held on tight. Her entire body trembled against mine.
“Don’t do that again. Ever.”
I touched her hair in shock and wonder. Was she crying for me?
“You scared me,” she sobbed. “I thought you were going to— I thought…”
“Easy.” I stroked her hair, awed that this girl in my arms would care this much. “Nothing was going to happen. I was just taking it in.”
Karin was confused. “The storm?”
“It’s a particularly rough one. Reminds me of England. Of… Barclay.”
“You told me before that Barclay was hell on earth.” She touched my soaked shirt, above where the scar on my abdomen sat. “Does it have something to do with this?”
I was unable to lie to her. “It does.”
“What happened there?”
“Trust me, you’re better off not knowing.”
“No I’m not.” Karin set her chin. “I’m not a sheltered princess, Theo. I’m stronger than you think.”
“I have no doubt about that.” I pushed the dripping locks of hair from her face. It felt dreamlike to be here with her in the storm. It matched the one inside of me that seemed to churn whenever she was near.
“It’s an elite boarding school,” I finally said, “which means it’s a prison for boys without status. I’m a bastard, which meant I was a constant target. At least, until I got big enough to fight back. One day, I got on the wrong side of some senior boys.” Bile rose at the back of my throat, but by some miracle I held it at bay. “I was supposed to throw a fight. I didn’t, and they lost the money they wagered. In retaliation, they...”
Karin’s hand tightened around mine, but I couldn’t look her in the eye.
“They carved their names into me.”
A swift intake of breath from Karin, but I was thankful that she didn’t say more.
“I couldn’t stand the sight of it afterward, so I ruined the flesh around the wound.” I looked at my scar ruefully. “This is what it looks like now.”
My nonchalance belied the turmoil I was feeling inside. There had been so much blood, and sometimes I could still feel the blade digging into me.
Karin held my hand in a death grip, as if she could take away my pain if she squeezed hard enough. “It must have hurt.”
“Worse than the carving itself, but I’d have done anything to erase their names from my body.”
I tensed and waited for the pity to come, but there was only bleak fury in Karin’s eyes. She looked heartbroken.
“Why didn’t the teachers stop it?” she whispered.
“The masters knew better than to offend the boys. They came from powerful families who held the purse strings of the school. Silence was cheaper.”
Her brows drew together in understanding. “That's why you were so eager to leave.”
“I would have done anything to get out of there,” I said in a low voice. “When Estelle came to me with her offer, I took it without second thought. I ran.”
“I’m glad you did.”
I frowned, surprised. I had never forgiven myself for turning tail like a dog. “Don’t you think I should have stayed to fight?”
“You chose to live another day. The only way I could be more proud is if you left with your middle fingers in the air.” Karin gave a hesitant smile, uncertain of her little joke. I wanted to worship her for it.
“Sorry to disappoint,” I said lightly, “but my departure was made without much fanfare. I don’t imagine many were sorry to see me go.”
“I would be.” She met my startled gaze head-on. “If anything happened to you, if you were hurt, I would be really, really upset for a very long time.” She paused uncertainly. “Maybe forever.”
I kissed her then.
I couldn't help it. I had held myself back for so long, telling myself to keep my distance for her sake, but the things she was saying were like a salve to my soul, soothing all the pain I hadn’t even known was there.
Karin opened herself to me readily, tipping her head back to let me closer. I drew her into my arms, angling my mouth firmly over her lips. I sank one hand into her wet hair, holding her body against mine with my other, erasing all space between us.
She tasted like rain, sweet and clean and innocent. I took my time, knowing that it was her first kiss. I wanted her to be in love with me by the time it was over.
I never stood a chance against her, I realized. She was made to tear down my every last defense, and I was glad to surrender.
Karin clung to me as I explored her mouth in deep, searching strokes, her eyelashes trembling against her cheeks like fragile butterflies. It might be her first time, but she trusted me with an openness that utterly devastated me. She kissed me back with such innocent eagerness that I knew I could never kiss anyone else the way I did her.
When we finally broke apart for air, I was stunned to note that my heart was nearly beating out my chest. Karin’s sweetness was easily the most intoxicating thing I’d ever experienced.
“You’re pretty good at this.” She looked away suddenly, her shoulders rising and falling with her breathing. “You probably had a lot of practice.”
I frowned, not liking that others were intruding on our moment. “No one else matters,” I told her.
She dropped her gaze. “Your mother said you have many girlfriends,” she admitted.
I cursed Estelle silently. “When?”
“We met earlier, before I came out. She wanted me to talk you out of turning down Dad’s money.” Karin shrugged, not meeting my eyes. “That stuff about the girlfriends was probably meant to hurt me.”
I had no doubt about that. “She won’t bother you again,” I said, cold anger clipping my words. “I’ll make sure of that.”
“Okay.”
Karin still looked uncertain. I took her chin, forcing her to look at me. She gazed back at me with somber, luminous eyes I could drown in.
“I haven’t had anyone for a while now,” I said in a low voice.
I simply couldn’t. My thoughts were consumed by Karin night and day, and I found that pretending I didn’t care had no effect whatsoever. She was firmly under my skin.
Karin bit her lip. “Really? So there’s no one else?”
“Only you. And it will only ever be you, if you agree to be mine.”
Her eyes went wide. I was just as stunned at my confession, but I wasn’t about to take it back.
After that kiss, I realized one would never be enough. I needed more, all of her kisses. I wanted them reserved solely for me, and mine for her. Karin was the only thing I’d ever truly wanted.
“You’re asking me to be your girlfriend?”
“Yes.”
Her lips trembled and her eyes were wide, but her voice was clear when she said:
“I can’t.”
Her words hit me with the force of a blow, and I struggled to maintain my composure.
“Why?” I finally managed.
“I deserve better.”
It killed me, that quiet, firm way she said it. I had always known that, but having Karin feel the same took the breath from my lungs.
“Who, then? Who’s the one you have in mind?” My fists were clenched with the effort to keep my fury and jealousy in check. Whoever Karin named, I might just kill him.
“You.”
I went still. “I don’t understand.”
Karin tugged at her hair nervously. “I want you, but not as you are now. I want the best version of you.”
That answer was worse. Another guy, I could fight. But I couldn’t compete with someone who didn’t exist.
“There is no better, Karin. There’s only me.”
“That’s not true at all. You just can’t see it—”
“You’re damn right I can’t,” I snapped. “There’s nothing underneath all—” I gestured angrily at the scar marring my body, “—this! You think if you peel away the layers of me you’d find some hidden goodness within. Well, I’m telling you that there’s absolutely nothing there. If you strip me away there’s only more bullshit. I’m not one of your fairy-tale knights in disguise.”
“I’m not looking for a knight, just someone who cares enough to be better for me!”
“There is no better in me. You can’t ask a bloody dog to fly, Karin!”
Karin clamped her mouth shut angrily, her lips setting in a mutinous line.
I could only stare at her profile in growing fury and despair. I should have known better than to fall for her. She should have known better to get involved with me.
But I’d gone and fallen for her anyway, opening myself to a fuckload of heartbreak.
The rain was easing by now, and thank fuck for that. I took Karin back to the house in silence, and we parted ways the moment we got to the edge of the property.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled.
I took in her achingly lovely face, so damned beautiful and heart-breaking.
“Don’t apologize for deserving better,” I said stonily. “I wish you all the best in your search.”
Karin looked stricken, but I was angry and satisfied that I had hurt her in return. She’d devastated me, and I wanted her to feel even a fraction of the pain that was consuming me.
After we parted, I went straight to Estelle’s room.
She wasn’t surprised to see me. “Something happened between the two of you?”
“Stay out of my affairs,” I snarled. “Speak to her again, come even ten fucking meters within her and you can forget about receiving a cent from Horace.”
Estelle was unperturbed, lounging in her bed like a pit viper sunning herself. “That wasn’t the deal. In exchange for getting you out of Barclay, you agreed to help me with Horace.”
“There’s nothing holding me to it now.”
“But you pride yourself on being a man of your word. And that day, you gave me your word.” My mother eyed me shrewdly. “Help me one more time, and it will be the last. I promise to leave you and your little girlfriend alone after that.”
That gave me pause. The sum must be large for Estelle to give up her trump card so easily. “How much did you gamble away this time?”
“Enough to cause me a headache.” She narrowed her eyes. “And thanks to you, Horace has been in a bad mood. He won’t agree to it so easily.”
“If I do this, you will leave Karin well alone. Are we clear?”
My mother smiled prettily. “Thank you.”
“I’ll speak to the boys. Do not do a damned thing until then.”
An ugly feeling crawled up my chest. I wanted nothing more than to hurt Karin like she had hurt me, and helping Estelle swindle money from her father seemed a good way to do it.
Karin was wrong after all. It simply wasn’t in me to be better.
A leopard never changed its spots, and I would never be the guy she wanted or deserved.