I knew from the start that Karin was trouble, but I would never have guessed the kind of hold she would have on me. It scared the shit out of me and brought me to my knees, and so I fought it every step of the way.
But now that the arrangements for my departure to London were complete, I found myself dragging my feet about it.
The irony wasn’t lost on me. For weeks I’d tried desperately to put distance between us, and now that I could make it permanent, I wasn’t certain if I could go through with it. The whole affair was putting me in the worst fucking mood.
I strode into the lobby of my residence, wanting nothing more than to go up to my apartment and drown myself in spirits. I was denied that when the attendant behind the front desk called out to me.
“Evening, Mr Valentine.”
I barely spared the man a glance as I strode past him.
“Sir, Karin Beckett is here to see you. I let her in, as per your secretary’s orders over the phone.”
I halted in my tracks, closing my eyes briefly. Only Karin could make me exasperated and eager at the same damned time.
“You must be new here,” I exhaled. “I gave no such order.”
“Pardon, sir,” the man hedged, less cocksure now. “But Mrs Smith assured me it was your orders. Miss Beckett got her on the phone to speak to me—”
“Mrs Smith,” I interrupted, “has been hijacked by Miss Beckett, as is the case with you.” I cocked my head. “She gave you a very winning smile, didn’t she, sympathized with how hard your job was, thanked you very prettily for letting her in?”
“Uh…”
I couldn’t blame the poor man, who had gone red by now. God knew I was in the same boat. A single cheerful smile from Karin was all it took to convince me that every word from her mouth was pure gold. I couldn’t even blame her.
“Fuck it,” I muttered, striding to the elevators.
My apartment door was unlocked when I entered, and there was no sign of Karin in the living room.
I checked the rest of the apartment, making my way down the rooms one by one until I came to my study. The room reeked of alcohol, and on the desk sat a half-empty glass of my best whiskey. Her parka was tossed heedlessly on the floor, but there was no sign of Karin.
It wasn’t until I noticed the executive chair behind the desk had its back facing me that I realized where she was.
I exhaled. “Just how much did you drink?”
The chair spun around, revealing a very beautiful, very drunk Karin.
“Oh heyyyy.” She grinned loopily. “Only a teeensy bit. You’ve got some really strong stuff. I had like, three glasses. You don’t mind, do you?”
I folded my arms and leaned on the wall. “Not at all.”
“Ha! You’re judging me now, I can feel it.” She squinted at me. “Well, joke’s on you. Only birds of a feather judge a book by its cover.”
“I’m merely curious as to why you’ve decided to break into my apartment and get drunk as a skunk in the middle of the day.”
“I’m not a skunk, I'm a badger. And you’re a snake. The Malfoy kind.”
“You broke in to tell me something that makes no sense?”
“It makes every sense! And no, I broke in to steal the flash drive. Obviously.”
“Obviously.”
Karin sniffed, sensing my sarcasm even in her drunken state. “It belongs to us in the first place, so I should say I’m taking it back instead.” She kicked her foot, and the chair spun round and round.
“You’re going to throw up if you keep doing that.”
“Nope, I feel great! Excellent!” She punctuated that with an OK sign. “I’ll prove it.”
Karin struggled to her feet and promptly tripped over her long dress. I sprinted to her and grabbed her shoulders, catching her just before she fell face-first to the floor.
I scowled. “Drunk after three glasses?”
“I’m not drunk, I’m just tipsy.” She let her whole weight sag on me. “And I’m ginger, which means—” she burped, “—I’m a lightweight by default.”
“The Irish have the highest percentage of redheads, and they’re practically born with tankards in their fists. In other words, don’t blame your poor life choices on your hair color.”
“That’s racist! And don’t quote ginger facts back at me, I’m the authority here!”
I cursed. She was most definitely drunk.
I shifted her weight in my arms and bent, but Karin protested again.
“If you’re going to pick me up, you need do it gently.”
“Do I?” I said sarcastically.
“Yes, you really do.” Karin pressed the back of her hand against her mouth. “Because I think I’m going to puke.”
Bloody, fucking, hell.
I had long passed the threshold of exasperation by now. Karin clutched at my arms as I pulled the chair close and eased her into it. Once I was assured she wouldn’t slide off the chair and fall on her face, I headed to a small cabinet at the side of my desk for something to sober her up.
“Whoa, everything’s spinning.” She blinked when the small packet I tossed at her landed in her lap. “Wazzat?”
“Crackers. Eat it.”
“Don’t wanna.”
“Do it or I’ll stuff them down your throat.”
“Will it kill you to ask nicely,” she muttered, struggling to rip the packet open.
Meanwhile I went to the windows to let the frigid air in.
“Oh, that’s better, the room’s stopped spinning. Hey you’re pretty good at this.”
I chose not to expound on why I was an expert on getting sober fast. I went back to the mini fridge under the desk and took out a bottle of water, uncapping it. “Drink this too.”
Karin took it without complaint, smacking her lips after she took a few swallows. “I’m starting to feel my face again,” she announced. “I’m ready to restart my search.”
“Where have you looked?”
“Everywhere. I checked under the carpet, under the furniture, but nothing. And your study’s so freaking messy. It’s like wading through a sea of paper.” She squinted at me. “You do have a room down the hall that’s locked though. That must be it.”
That room was precarious territory and out-of-bounds to anyone but me. Naturally I refrained from telling Karin that. It would only pique her curiosity.
“The flash drive isn’t in th—” I broke off when Karin slid off the chair. She got on all fours, completely heedless that her white dress would get dusty.
I resisted the urge to pinch my temples. “What on earth are you doing now?”
“I just realized I haven’t checked the walls.” She crawled around on her hands and knees, tapping the mahogany paneling on the wall, clearly expecting a secret compartment to open.
I folded my arms. “Try pressing the panel to your left while pulling on the wall lamp.”
Karin’s mouth fell open. “For real?”
She did as I described, but the lamp did not budge.
“It’s not working.” She frowned, tapping around some more and pressing her ears to the walls that were made of solid wood and concrete.
I couldn’t help a wry smile. She was so damned guileless in the way that she moved, the way her lips pursed as she frowned in concentration, listening for the secret panel that eluded her.
It was a bittersweet moment for me, knowing that I would never possess her. I wouldn’t even see her again after my flight at the end of the week.
I might as well enjoy this moment; it would last me a lifetime. I memorized the way she moved, the way the soft afternoon light danced over her skin, making it seem almost translucent. She was so goddamn lovely it physically hurt to look at her. I rubbed a hand over the pang in my chest.
“Why are you staring like that? Am I getting close yet?”
“Try the one to your right.”
She squinted at me. “You’re making fun of me again,” she said suspiciously.
“A little. It’s amusing to see you pressing your ear to solid walls like you expect them to talk.”
Karin groaned, rolling her forehead side to side against the panel that had let her down. “Come on, give it to me already. I swear I’ll leave you alone, forever and ever. Scout’s honor.”
Alone, forever and ever. A lifetime without her.
What would become of me?
Karin strode up to me with narrowed eyes. She looked me up and down. “It’s on you, isn’t it. But of course you’ll say no.”
“You can search me if you want.”
“Ha. I bet you’d like that.” She peered at my chest. “Hmm… Is it in your jacket?”
My breath caught as she eagerly slid her arms around my waist, going under my jacket. I felt the warmth of her hands through my shirt, exploring me and arousing me.
“Hmm, it’s not here… not here either, maybe here…?” Karin grew bolder, sweeping her hands down my abdomen, going ever closer to dangerous territory.
I nearly groaned aloud. A man could only take so much.
“If I didn’t know any better, princess, I’d think you were taking the chance to fondle me.”
“I’m just being thorough in my search! You’re not my type anyway,” she stammered, going bright red.
“I know. Your type’s the artist kind.” My smile faded when I realized what I’d said.
Karin’s eyes widened in realization. “How did you know?”
I tensed my jaw and looked away. There was a long beat of silence that said far too much.
“You came to find me, didn’t you?” she whispered.
I shrugged impatiently, wishing I had kept my bloody mouth shut. “Four years ago,” I said curtly. “Your freshman year.”
Karin’s breath caught. “Why?”
“I wanted to talk. I’d found more backers; investors for my company, some attorneys who expressed interest in working for me. Thought you’d have liked to know.”
In truth I had wanted more than just to talk. I had wanted to impress her, to tell her that I’d done what I said I’d do all those years ago.
“What did you think I’d say?” Karin asked softly.
“I don’t know,” I ground. “I wanted you to tell me I did well, perhaps.”
“And?”
“And…” I shook my head, suddenly furious at her and at myself. “I don’t fucking know, alright? All I know is that I came here to New York, and I waited by your campus.” I clenched my jaw, my next words nearly choking me. “And I saw you and him.”
Karin bit her lip. “You mean Adam? He was…”
“Your first boyfriend.”
The words were bitter in my mouth, but that was my punishment.
It had been fucking stupid. I’d obsessed over what to wear, what I’d say to her when I saw her again. I’d rehearsed it until I could repeat in my sleep. I had this foolish fantasy that she’d finally think I was deserving of her.
But that was all water under the bridge. After I saw her with her boyfriend, I had twisted the knife deeper by finding out everything I could about him. I knew Karin had loved him. I knew he had made her happy when I couldn’t.
I’d had my bones broken before, had been carved up and beaten and spat on, and nothing had been as agonizing as seeing Karin with another man.
I had wanted to commit murder, naturally. My grief-addled mind had told me that Karin was mine and she had been stolen from me.
But she had also looked so damned beautiful that day, smiling and laughing with that man that wasn’t me. Looking so fucking happy without me.
Walking away from her was the only unselfish thing I ever did, and I knew ever since that it had been the right thing to do.
“You could have come up to me anyway,” Karin said softly. “I would have liked to see you again.”
“If you so much as smiled at me, I didn’t think I could have let you go.” My lips curved bitterly. “I would have wanted back in your life like the selfish bastard I am. That would have been disastrous.”
Karin was silent.
“I wonder sometimes, you know,” she finally said. “What would have been if I said yes when you asked me to be your girlfriend.”
“You would have been miserable.”
“You don’t know that.”
But I did, and any hope otherwise was just foolishness.
Presley had been right. I was so fucking afraid of being insignificant. So fucking terrified of being abandoned, even though I had already been abandoned a long time ago. Here I was trying to make others fear me when I was the biggest damned coward of all.
“You made the right decision that day to turn me down,” I said coldly. “At least one of us had sense.”
Karin’s expression became determined then, but I didn’t catch the meaning behind it in the turmoil that had settled over me.
“Can I have something warm to eat before I go?” she suddenly asked. “I’m kinda hungry.”
I exhaled, feeling wearier than I ever had in my life. “I’ll fix you something, and then we leave.”
“Sure.” Karin sat back down in the chair, watching me with an expression I couldn’t place. “I’ll be right here waiting.”