Chapter Eighteen
Alyse
I’m scared. He’s been having nightmares all week. I see the change in his demeanour even through his fake smiles. He has that look that I saw in the pictures where he’s smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
Every time we’ve make love has been without a condom. I haven’t said anything. I feel like he needs to feel the closest he possibly can to me. I really don’t care if I get pregnant again. Regardless of the possible risk of losing him, I feel like I’ll still have another piece of him left behind. It’s a bit selfish.
He won’t talk about it. That’s the hardest part. I know I don’t want to really talk about it either, but I know that communication is very important. Holding back feelings or concerns only leads to a possible blow up in the end. I’m afraid that he will eventually break. I can’t let him break when he’s away and could possibly put himself or his team in danger.
I don’t know how to go about talking about it, though. I call Emma to ask for her advice and ended up talking with Bryce. He said he would be over. He’s knows Kaden even better than I do. He spent time with him and helped break him out of his shell. I decide to disguise it as a little going away party.
I grab food from the diner and have a pretty good spread going on. As soon as they show up, Emma’s daughter, Jessica, grabs K.C. and starts entertaining him. She’s such a sweet girl, and K.C. has grown to adore her. He calls her Jess, which she really doesn’t like, but is okay with it from him.
Immediately Bryce grabs Kaden. They venture off, and I see Kaden’s head sink into his chest. I look at Emma who gives me a warm smile.
“We talked about it before we came. He understands. He was so closed off for a long time. We went to therapy together, which really helped. Talking about it really helped. Be honest with him and tell him how you feel,” Emma says.
“I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m scared. I’m afraid that he is going in with so much negativity that he’ll sabotage himself. He won’t tell me about his dreams. Only that the last one shook him to his core. He claims that he dreamt about K.C.’s eyes and didn’t understand it until he saw him. He said it was K.C.’s eyes that he saw. I believe that people have a sixth sense, and as intelligent as Kaden is, I don’t doubt he may have it and that scares the ever-living shit out of me,” I say, wrapping my arms around my middle.
“Damn. I don’t know how to respond to that one. All I can say is I believe in fate. It brought Bryce and me together. I feel it brought you and Kaden together. I also believe that God cannot be that cruel to allow fate to lead you down a road of loss.” She shakes her head and seems to be holding back something.
“What…just say it,” I plead.
“I don’t know if I can, Alyse. It’s going to sound bad and I don’t want to add to your worry,” she says, still shaking her head.
“Just say it, Emma,” I say, really wanting to know if she’s thinking the same thing as I am.
Taking a deep breath, she starts, “Okay, if something does happen, as Kaden seems to predict, maybe K.C. is the reason. Maybe he is the reason this all happened. He’s a very special boy, Alyse. He’s meant for greatness. I can see it even in his young, baby eyes. He’s an old soul. I don’t want this to make you depressed and thinking something inevitable will happen. Yet, if it does…maybe it’s all for K.C.” She immediately grabs me and pulls me into her arms.
“It’s okay. That’s what I needed to hear. I thought of that so many times. Christ, I cannot even think about Kaden not being here. I love him so much. But he gave me one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received. That boy is incredibly special. I truly think he’s going to move mountains. I need Kaden, though, to guide me. I don’t think I can be the one to bring K.C. to his fullest potential. In three short months, Kaden has been able to pull so much more out of him, more than I think I could have even imagined to do.” I feel the tightness grow in my chest as I force out the words.
“Stay strong. Keep supporting Kaden and being there with him the next few days. Tell him how you feel. Maybe just letting him know that you will be okay if something happens will put his mind to rest. I’m not an expert here. But, maybe making him feel like you will survive, adding how hard it will still be, will set his mind at ease,” she says, rubbing my back.
“I will. I think you are right. Can we just eat? I’m starving!” I say, trying to shake off my feelings and laugh.
“Girl, I’m eating for two, so you know I can eat!” Emma says, rubbing her little baby bump.
The boys come over, and I can see an immediate change in Kaden. He engulfs me into a hug and kisses me on the neck. Jessica comes over with K.C., who immediately reaches for his daddy.
The rest of the evening goes wonderful. We laugh as Bryce tell stories of Kaden during their deployments together. They talk about the other guys and even include Jon, Emma’s lost husband. I see her smile through it all and see it’s not fake. She’s happy now. She survived through tragedy. For a few shorts hours, I take it all in. A memory that I will forever treasure. Emma is an inspiration. I know that even though it will crush me, I will live, and I will survive.
♦♦♦
“Hey, thank you,” Kaden says after we get K.C. down in his crib.
“For what?” I ask, wanting to know what he is thinking.
“I needed that. I needed Bryce to kick me in the ass. I’m sorry that I’ve been out of it, and I’m sorry if I’ve been scaring you,” he says, pulling me in for a hug.
“It’s okay, Kaden. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. You’ve been through so much already, and you are about to leave again. I know it’s hard on you. I know that you worry about leaving us. I talked to Emma tonight, and I realized something. I will be okay. It will never be the same, but I will be okay. You will never be replaced. I feel in my heart that you are my soulmate. I don’t want to even thing about you not being here to help me raise this amazing child. I’ll do it, though. I will make you proud. But I will tell you now. Don’t think you can just make a decision that, based on your dreams, you are not going to be here. I need to know that you will do everything in your power to come home to us. If I know this, I will be okay. I love you, Kaden. But I will be okay,” I say, grabbing onto to him harder.
“Alyse, I love you with everything I have. K.C. is such an incredible little boy. I’ll promise I will do everything in my power to come home to you both,” Kaden says, kissing me.
This kiss is promise. I feel it right to my toes. We make love like we never have before.