Chapter Twenty-Five
Kaden
Iwish I could see more of the house. From what I can see, it looks just like I thought it would. I can’t believe she did it all by herself. I know that our friends helped a lot, but I feel bad that once again, I’ve missed out on an important part of our lives.
I find out that Sporto is going to be staying with us for a while. He’s in-between things since leaving the military and as Rigs put it, he’s lost. I get that feeling. I’m in the same boat. I’m in the situation of healing, though. I can’t just go out and start working somewhere right away. I have no clue what I want to do either.
After everyone left, Gavin came over and sat down in the open lounger. Since I can’t really do much talking, I just sit there and wait for him to say something.
“I’m fucked up, man,” he says in a low voice.
I make a noise in my throat and point to myself, moving my hand up and down my body as I shrug my shoulders.
“Yeah, I know you are fucked up. You’ve always been fucked up,” he says with a laugh.
“Seriously, though. I have this steel wall up, and I won’t let anyone through it. I jump to conclusions of distrust when there’s no cause for it.” He pauses. “I hurt Alyse’s friend tonight. It’s like I want to sabotage any chance of anyone trying to get close.”
“Who?” I grunt.
“Willow. She kept looking at me all night. Her eyes seemed to see right into my soul. It made me feel uncomfortable. The moment she flew through that door, I couldn’t stop looking at her. But then her soft glances morphed in my mind as judgement. Like she could see my internal struggle. The first opportunity I got for her to be alone, I said some things I shouldn’t have. I just wanted her to stop looking at me. Then I felt like I had lost something of value. I wanted her to look at me and she wouldn’t. How fucked up is that?” he says.
“Fucked up.” I say, shaking my head.
“Yeah, I know. What’s even more fucked up is I’m asking advice from a fucking blind mute,” he says, holding out his fist.
I see the shadow of his fist and laugh as I bump it with mine. “You have a way with words,” I whisper.
My voice is getting better, but it still feels like every time my voice box moves I’m rubbing sand paper together. I take a swig of the bottle of water in my hand. What I wouldn’t give for a beer.
“Yeah, I know and obviously, tonight I used the wrong ones. My first instinct was to throw up ugly in order for her to back off. I’m no good for anyone right now. I need to find a purpose. I can’t help the gut feeling that I royally shot myself in the foot.”
We sit in silence, both reflecting our own individual thoughts, until Alyse comes out and summons me to bed.
I missed out on putting K.C. down for the night. Although as soon as he crawled up on the lounger with me, it didn’t take him long to crash. So technically, I did put him to sleep.
Gavin helps lock up the house and retires to one of the spare bedrooms on the other side of the house. Alyse tells me that there are two rooms still empty. Plus, the full basement is ready for me to make into a man cave once I’m fully on my feet. I smile at the thoughts of what I want to do with it. I hear Alyse giggle.
“I can see the wheels turning. Good lord, I can only image what you have planned,” she says, crawling in and under the covers.
I crawl into the side where my injuries to my side are away from her so she can snuggle in. I wish I could make love to her, but I’m afraid all the pent-up energy would cause me to hurt myself more.
Feeling her body against mine only makes me harder. I palm myself through my boxers and try to think of something else.
“I’ve missed having you in our bed,” she purrs.
I feel her lips against my shoulder, and I squeeze my eyes shut. She’s not helping matters.
Her soft hand runs down my chest, over my stomach, reaching under my boxer and taking me into her small hand. I let out a groan as she slowly starts stroking me.
“I don’t want you to hurt yourself, but I need to touch you. Is this okay? Will it hurt if I make you come? I want to feel you come,” she whispers as she lays soft kisses across my shoulder and chest.
I let out a growl and a “Don’t stop.”
It doesn’t take long for me to find my release. Alyse cleans me up and snuggles back down into my side.
“You?” I ask.
“Believe me, I’m good. Sometimes just knowing I made you feel good is enough to hold me over.”
♦♦♦
I’m getting stronger. My ribs hurt less every day. I’m still not cleared to drive, but the light doesn’t hurt my eyes as much. Things are still in a bit of a haze, and sometimes I get hit with spots.
My throat is better, too. They think that the damage to my voice box may be permanent, but I can talk. It’s just rougher and deeper than it used to be. I’m finally able to eat solids.
The day I got the all clear was the day I stopped at the meat market on the way home and purchase some thick ribeye steaks. Go big or go home.
Gavin is still here. We’ve had some good talks. He took Bryce’s advice and went to talk with his and Emma’s therapist. It’s nice having him around. We’ve kept ourselves busy with setting up the basement. Even though Alyse joked about it being a man cave, I still want it to be comfortable for her.
We sectioned off a corner and boxed it in with drywall, separating it off from the rest of the expansive room. I equipped it with some workout equipment and a punching bag.
We then designed and built a full bar. Fully stocked it and even installed a kegerator. I also installed a wine fridge for Alyse.
I thought about K.C. and what he would enjoy as he grew up, so I installed a projector instead of a TV. There’s one full wall that is almost like a movie screen. Topped off with a large U-shaped sectional with reclining seats, and you have a comfy place to watch movies and sports, of course.
It’s almost complete, and I’m worried now what to do. I can see Gavin’s demeanour start to change as well.
After dinner one night, the two of us were sitting out on the back deck drinking a few beers. Gavin suddenly stands and starts pacing.
“I got to go, Kaden. I really appreciate all that you have done for me, but I need to do something. I need to find myself. Dr. Ashburn suggested I go back to school, but I don’t think I could concentrate and sit in a chair all day. I need to be moving. There’s a Muay Thai training camp in Thailand that I thought about joining. It’s only for twenty-eight days, but it sounds like something I can focus on – instead of her.” He says the last part under his breath.
“Sounds to me like your running. Doesn’t sound like something you would do, brother,” I say, sitting up and moving down the end of the lounger.
“When did you become Confucius? I don’t know what else to do. My mind won’t stop. The pain won’t stop. The guilt – it won’t stop, Kaden,” he says, leaning his elbows on the rail and covering his head with his hands.
“Lost Tara because of this shit. I broke her, man. What kind of a man purposely hurts another human being? A woman that I thought I loved, no less. I’m still not in a good place. The hurt and pain that was in Willow’s eyes hasn’t left me. Knowing it was because of me – fuck,” he says, pounding his fist against his temple.
“Hey!” I yell, standing and walking over to him. “Get out of your head, man. I am not Confucius. I am not one to even know how to help you. But what I’m seeing is self-destruction. Putting all the blame on yourself. That’s too big of a burden to carry alone.”
I’m freaking out with worry. I don’t know what to do, but I sure in hell don’t want to stand by and let him do something that could hurt himself.
I lower my voice and say, “I can’t lose you, man. I just got you back. If you need to go away for a month to try to center yourself, do it. I don’t have the answers, but I really don’t think fighting will help you right now. If it helps get out some aggression, go for it. I understand about finding purpose. I feel the same. Right now, my purpose is Alyse and K.C. What I’m looking for is direction. What’s my next step in life? I have no clue. I thought I was going to retire military. So, I get the frustration and the feeling of being lost. I’m here for you, now and always. We both will get through it. Just promise me if you ever feel like you may want to hurt yourself, please call me? Please?”
“I’m not going to do anything, brother. I have redemption that I need to pay. I don’t know how, but I will get there. I’m not going to give up. I’m not a quitter. I’m just down right now,” he says, reaching out and giving me a hug.
I want to believe him. I heard of guys coming back from this life and not having the support they need. They don’t see any other way out, so they give up. I don’t want that for him. I need to enforce that I’m here and will always be here for him.
Hell, I know Rigs and Bryce feel the same. I need them here, too, to talk to him before he leaves.