CADEN

From the linen closet he pulls down an old burgundy comforter that used to be fluffier. But as I bring it to my nose out of habit, it smells clean and cozy, and my repressed exhaustion settles in.

“Thanks, Dad.”

Clapping my shoulder, he says with feeling, “I’m glad you’re staying the night.”

I pat his fingers and we head off in separate directions, clearing our throats.

A dozen framed photos of our family pass me along the way to my old room. There’s a larger version of the one I had in my locker. Every sibling but Hunter has that, because he wasn’t born yet so he’s not in it. He grumbles about it every now and then.

There’s a photo of Mom and Dad in front of a bookcase he built for her when she moved into his loft, where Max now calls home. Another of Mom on a rug, redheaded baby Lexi asleep on her chest. One where seven-year-old Samantha is showing off her dance recital costume without knowing that I’m holding rabbit ears behind her head, Max covering his mouth, laughing in the background, too. The high school photos are the best, especially of Hunter who hated having his picture taken. Any evidence he exists is unacceptable.

My personal favorite is of me and Max laughing on the night of his Senior Prom. I was dating a senior when I was a junior, so we rented the limo to take our dates together, but Dad pranked us by getting us a hot pink stretch. We lost our shit, and this picture is awesome. Those girls were not amused. They didn’t last. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you won’t last in this family.

My mind flies back to Elizabeth.

Mood soured, my teeth get the enamel nearly scraped off by a spare toothbrush I unwrap. Mom buys extras so there’s always one available for guests.

I rub soap on my face way too fucking hard, too. The bar goes flying, though I meant to place it on the disk. I have to dig for it under a fake plant, wash it off while swearing under my minty breath.

She chose Janet over me.

I knew she would.

It wasn’t long ago that I told my cousin Nicholas about Janet. When was it? Before Sofia’s wedding I know that. And here I go, thrown away in a transfer just like I knew I would be.

“Fucking sucks,” I grumble, drying off my face, shaking my head.

I walk into the hallway, and freeze at the sound of Mom quietly crying downstairs.

Their bedroom door opens and I step back inside the bathroom, my breath held with shock. Dad didn’t see me, but by the pace of his descent, he just heard her, too.

As soon as he’s gone I tiptoe out so I can hear their conversation.

“Sarah? Are you crying?”

She sniffles, “No.”

“Yes, you are,” he gently says.

“Did you see Max?! How every time Caden wasn’t looking, how sad his eyes were?”

“I did notice that. Max will feel this the most.”

“I don’t want him to leave, Jason. I know it’s a good opportunity, but... my baby’s leaving!”

I hear fabric moving, because he’s gathered her up and is probably cradling her on his lap. “Look at you, Sarah, and here I thought you weren’t affected.”

“I had to be strong! He was breaking apart, and he can’t start this new chapter of his life like that. Caden’s competitive. You know he always has been. If I acted like this isn’t a big deal, like he should be stronger, then of course he would become that, just to prove to me he could. Oh, Jason!”

Her sobs are killing me.

I’ve got tears streaming.

Can’t let her know.

This is a private moment for her.

For them.

Wiping my cheeks, I tiptoe to my old room, silently shut the door. She took the hit. Everyone was mad at her, even Lexi. I’m going to tell them what she did.

A text vibrates my pocket:

Caden, it’s Elizabeth. How are you doing?

We’ve never texted outside of work-related messages. Not once. Without pausing, my thumbs slam out the reply:

Fuck you.

I stare at it…slowly delete each letter. After a moment of intense deliberation, my thumbs work a little bit more.

Why did you do this? You like me that much?

I delete this one, too, and toss temptation onto a chair next to the bowling ball that no longer fits these fingers. Everything is how I left it when I moved out. A time capsule of my youth.

Lying on my bed, sleep won’t come easy. I end up staring at the ceiling for what feels like hours, so many images playing through my thoughts. I missed midnight baseball, and a host of other fun things were done without me because I was too disciplined to enjoy myself. But even as I chastise myself for that, it’s empty. The truth is, I can lie here feeling like a victim or I can remember the truth.

I chose this.

Everything I’ve been through, all the competition with Janet and pushing myself in order to beat her, has made me stronger. This isn’t a loss in terms of my career, just in terms of my family. And also I’m losing Elizabeth.

Where did that come from, I frown.

We’ve had a couple weeks of hot encounters.

That’s it.

Rolling onto my side I close my eyes, convincing myself that it’s totally normal after we’ve been working for years together under high-pressure situations on a daily basis, of course some bonding is inevitable.

Digby’s. That’s where this all started, isn’t it?

Flipping onto my back, I exhale.

No, it began before then.

My first day at the hospital, I was struck by her upon first sight. Something I haven’t let myself think about until recently. They were giving us orientation when she walked toward our group at a fast clip, her gaze rising from forms she held in her right hand. I checked her left one to see if she was married, noted the naked finger with a smirk, and then we were all introduced. The moment I learned that she was who I needed to impress, she became off-limits, practically androgynous. Stuffed my attraction toward her down so deep I forgot it was there. Never told Max about how beautiful she is, how dangerously smart.

“Why'd you have to go and step over the line, Caden?” I grumble, rolling over again.

My eyes have gotten used to the darkness, settling on a stack of books untouched on my old dresser. Not just recently, but never touched. All the classics that I thought I should read, but never did because I wasn’t interested in them. There was not a lot I cared about when I was younger. I finally found a real challenge after all these years.

I’m not crazy-high-IQ-guy like my cousin Ethan, where I could read the materials for biology and instantly have them understood and memorized.

I had to study my ass off, work harder than anyone who had a natural proclivity to learning from text books. It was in the practice where I really shined. Never winced at gore, could function well on little sleep and I had a hunger for knowledge like I’d finally woken up from a foggy dream. Med School was fucking fun for me, no matter the work.

If Grandma Nance hadn’t shouted that we need a doctor on the inside, when Grandpa Michael had his heart attack, I’d probably be quitting job after job wondering why I hate my life.

I felt this click inside my chest that day. A calling. I’ll never forget it. I was rooming with Max at the time in the loft. As soon as I shifted my studies toward medical, I moved out.

My hours would never be predictable, sleep a luxury squeezed in when necessary. You can’t live in a loft like that. There are no walls except for a small divider that doesn’t even touch the ceiling—the space where Max lays his head. I’m fine with a couch, never minded it in the slightest, but I needed freedom of the clock. No checking in. No worrying if I’m waking someone up.

He understood.

But it was hard on both of us.

My phone is vibrating again.

I’ve got to see if it’s her.

Tugging the covers back I throw my feet on the cool hardwood floor, and pad over.

You awake?

Immediately dialing, I soon hear Max say, “Guess that’s a yes.”

“I was just thinking about you,” I admit.

“I’m having a hard time sleeping, too. Mom was pretty harsh, wasn’t she?”

“She was a wreck, turns out.”

I tell him everything I overheard.

“Wow,” he whispers. “That makes more sense.”

“She took the bullet. You saw Lexi giving her the cold shoulder.”

“I’ll fill Lex in—don’t worry about that.”

“Thanks.”

“Are you ready for this move? Stupid question. I’m just looking for something to talk about.”

“I’ve been lying here in my old bedroom which is a mind-fuck in and of itself. So many things have changed since I lived here, you know? Picture me then and me now.” He laughs. “Right? But you know what? This might be great for my career. I was hoping to learn under Stevens, that guy’s amazing. Or at least he used to be. No, he still is. I think he’s just been slacking off a little because he has no competition in the hospital. I could have been that for him.” Exhaling, I lie back down and stare at my ceiling. “I’m trying to see the good in it. I could have given Stevens the spark he needed. I could have given a lot of people the spark they needed.” Dragging my hand over my face I take a deep breath. “Maybe that’s why I’m being sent away. Pulled my old shit and stepped over a line.”

My brother’s tone darkens. “What? You do something with that girl Janet you’re always talking about?”

“You’re on the right track, wrong female.”

“Who then?”

“You’re not gonna believe it.”

There’s a pause, then he groans, “Tell me you didn’t fuck your attending resident or whatever the hell you call them.”

“Okay, then I didn’t. And P.S., I know all about your filmmaking process and you still don’t know about the hierarchy at my hospitals? Come on!”

“Caden, you said hospitals. Plural. You’re already there in your mind.”

Closing my eyes I exhale, “Guess so.”

“Was it worth it? Because I hope it was. Otherwise I might never forgive you.”

Thinking about it, I chew on my cheek. “It might’ve been, if she hadn’t gotten scared and sent me away.”

“She transferred you for that? You have feelings for her?”

“Maybe. Yeah, I’ve got feelings for her. Doesn’t matter anymore, because a woman who pulls this is not the one for me. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“You'll be seeing me every minute you’re still in Atlanta. Except this one. Just imagine me on the couch while my girl is snoring.”

This inspires the first smile since I walked upstairs. “Nice image. Loud or soft snores?”

“A gorilla.”

“You’re lying.”

“Yes.”

We’re silent a second.

“Max, just in case I don’t get a chance to say this when everybody’s around—I’m gonna miss you.”

“You’re alone in that.”

“Night fucker.”

He chuckles, “Night, Caden.”