Chapter 14

Quinn

My eyes flickered open at around six in the morning. I found myself wrapped in Tyler’s firm, muscled arms, his hands near my breasts, my body fatigued and spent after a night of lovemaking. I sensed Tyler was still sleeping. I could hear his deep breathing, and then, after a long moment, as reality set in, I felt my heart begin to race with fear.

We’d been tipsy. Lost in each other’s eyes and we had fallen into our lust-filled fantasies, without giving another thought to what would happen in the morning. I sensed that once Tyler realized what had happened, he would say it again and would tell me it couldn’t work between us because there was still too much in the way.

And I couldn’t handle another blow like that. Another humiliation.

“Jesus,” I whispered, drawing myself away from him and allowing my feet to fall to the carpet below. My new lab job started in only two hours, giving me time to drink coffee, to shower and to drive myself to work. I couldn’t stay here and wait for Tyler’s assurance that we would see one another again. I couldn’t allow myself to hope.

Bringing my finger against the firm strain of his bicep, I woke him after I dressed. He blinked at me, confused.

“I have to go to work,” I said. The words were cold. They didn’t ask for anything in return.

“All right,” he said. He drew himself up, leaning against the headboard. A bit of light was streaming in from the window.

“She’s um. She’s done all her homework,” I said then, referring to Rachel.

“Ok,” Tyler said.

The silence hung between us. I felt as if we existed in a vacuum. I couldn’t get the right amount of oxygen. Backing toward the door, I stretched my hand into a wave. Don’t say anything, I told myself. If I tempted him, he might use the space to say he didn’t want me again. That it wasn’t worth it and that everything he’d said about being careful and putting his job and his daughter before everyone else was still valid.

Even in the wake of such emotion.

“Bye—“ I said, then whisked down the hallway, down the steps and into the grass below his bedroom window, bringing Randy with me. I brought my face into my hands and gasped, my air coming in staggers, trying to force myself to take one step, then another, back to my house. Randy nipped at my heels, always a ball of energy. Feeling diligent, I fed him and watched him eat. Already, his muscles were elongating, and he seemed larger. He was more adult than he’d been a week ago.

The lab work was just what I needed. I threw myself into the intricate work, into setting up future experiments with the mice, and in recording what the other scientists had already created. Everett, the operator of the lab, was eager to get to know me, asking me to lunch and telling me about the history of the lab, their connection with other labs across the country, and the fact that he’d spent nearly five years in Switzerland, studying sleep patterns. As we spoke, I kept one eye on my phone the entire time wondering if Tyler would contact me and tell me we’d made a mistake. But the phone remained silent.

At around three that afternoon, I took a break—getting a soda from the machine and sitting in a sunbeam on campus, strewn across a bench. As I sat, sipping, I felt my phone begin to buzz in my pocket. With a lurch, I realized Tyler was calling.

I couldn’t avoid it.

With all the strength I could muster, I answered it. I felt my voice quiver in my throat, making me sound meek, unsure.

“Hello?”

“Quinn,” Tyler said, his voice again dominant—without the sweet tones he’d had that morning. “Everything okay?”

I sighed, bringing my lips together and pressing them tight. How could I answer this? Should I tell him the truth? That I wanted him to be with me?

“Sure,” I said, feeling the inward shrug.

“Great. Um. I have a problem,” he said. “And I’m sorry for asking. But I just got called for a minor emergency back in San Francisco. They’ve been relying on me with this recent client and I—I can’t just blow them off. Not this early in the game.”

“When do you have to go?” I asked, feeling so far away.

“As soon as possible. The next flight leaves in about two hours. So I need to get to the airport. Which means—“

“You can’t pick up Rachel?” I asked. After a long, heavy pause, I continued. “I can get her from school. She’ll have to hang out in the lab for a bit. But I know she won’t mind.”

“God, thank you,” Tyler said with relief. “Jesus, I can’t tell you how much this means to us. Putting her in Marnie’s care is starting to frighten me, to be honest. Marnie has a lot of power over our custody lawyer. They had a friendship before we even got married, and he tends to believe her over me. I just—“

“Oh,” I remembered. “Marnie had asked if the custody check could be paid early this month. She said there were some extra bills or something?”

Tyler seemed caught off-guard. I kept going, trying to sweeten the awkwardness. “It’s really no trouble,” I said. “Really. Rachel feels safe with me. And I need someone to run around with Randy, anyway.”

“She’s not getting that money,” Tyler growled in response. His anger seemed to grow like a wave, obstructing everything else between us. “No more money. If she can’t handle being her mother…” There was a sudden pause. “Jesus. I’m sorry Quinn.”

A moment later we ended the conversation. My heart ached for both of them. I jumped in my car and drove the few blocks to Rachel’s school bringing my car into the pick-up line and waiting with the other mothers. My blood hummed with confusion, knowing that I was caring more and more for Rachel, but that I wasn’t sure Tyler had space in his heart for me. At least, not yet.

When Rachel saw me and flung her arms around my neck, tears started to drip down her cheeks. I sensed her fatigue, her anger. She was afraid of the kids at school who had nothing better to do but call her names. And she was so, unbearably grateful to have me, rather than Marnie. I dove into that love, feeling it unmatched in any other facet of my life.

All I wanted, at that moment, was to belong to someone. And at that moment, Rachel filled that void.