Chapter 21

The only people Asher had ever told about his time on that mountain were his superiors and his psychiatrist. It was something he couldn’t forget about, ever and something he wished he never had to talk about again. But, this was Mia. This was the love of his life that he had hurt deeply. This was the mother of his child. Something he had yet to wrap his head around. He wasn’t about to hold back any longer. He had already lost too much. He sucked in a deep breath and said,

“For the first few years I was in the army, I did nothing but train. They sent me to boot camp, of course, but my instructor saw something ‘more’ in me, he said. What he didn’t know was that it was hurt and anger and guilt that I had turned into aggression because I didn’t know what else to do with it. It didn’t matter to the army anyways. They saw that I was a killing machine in the making. They sent me from boot camp into special weapons training and from there to terrorist tactic training…and on and on for three years. When I was twenty-one they sent me to train with Special Ops in a group called ‘Night Stalkers.’” We learned how to do everything under the cover of night. We would shoot in the pitch dark. We would practice bombings and attacks. We became nocturnal animals basically. Then when I was twenty-three, they sent me to Afghanistan. I would spend my days working out, sleeping, and going over plans for missions, and most of my nights on my belly with my rifle on my arm. I was a night sniper and I was good, the best at what I did. My team became my family and I would have done anything to keep them safe. As the years went on I received a lot of commendations and because of that I was able to move up in the ranks quickly. By the time I was twenty-seven I was commanding my own team. The teams were small, only eight men. I had the same team for the next two tours and they were some amazing guys.” He stopped there as their faces raced across the front of his mind. Suppressing a shiver, he went on. “We were supposed to pull out of Iraq and begin preparing to head home the night before our base was attacked by suicide bombers. One of my men was killed in that attack by debris that found its way into the middle of his chest. It pierced his heart and he was gone quickly. We moved to higher ground so we could fire back on the insurgents firing on us as we evacuated. I took two bullets, one in my shoulder and another in my side. I wasn’t mortally wounded, so I was still fighting. I gave the order to move and Freddie, my second in command, and one of the nicest guys I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing stood up, and they blew his head off. It was the worst thing I saw while I was over there because it was him. I was sick for a long time over it.

I was sent to the hospital after all of that was over. When I was ready to discharge, they tried to send me home. I found out my team was on one last mission and I went to join them instead. When I got there, they were on a frozen mountain looking for a man who had been the only survivor when his team had been attacked. We looked for him for two days and just about the time they were going to force us to come down, half of my team was attacked. As the rest of my men and I ran in to their aid, I heard a jet. The Navy was coming in to bomb the insurgents. The communication between Special Ops and the SEALS had failed somehow and when I heard the jet approaching, I knew what was about to happen. I was yelling, but it was too loud between the jet and the gunfire. I ordered the men with me to stay where they were and I tried to get to the others. The silent bomb hit the ground when I was about twelve feet out. The insurgents on that side of the mountain were killed, but so were my men. I was thrown back about twenty-five feet. I landed on the bloody body of one of my men. The other two were still alive, but barely. They had all been shot that quickly while everything else was happening. There was a sniper in the hills. I had a concussion and I was hypothermic and hallucinating, but I was aware enough to know my guys couldn’t make it out on their own. I’d already lost too many men. I carried them out on my back one at a time. By the grace of God or something, they made it. But, by that time, the death toll that I had caused was the two at home and five members of my team.”

“It was war baby, you aren’t responsible for all of that. Thank God you were there to save the last two men. I know they have to be grateful.”

Asher nodded. “They were at the ceremony where I received my medals. I gave them each one. I didn’t want them. I was only doing my job. They were following my orders and they did so with no questions asked. They deserved them more than I did.”

“Is all of this what the meds in the bathroom are for?”

He felt his face go flush. He knew he shouldn’t feel ashamed for needing the meds, but to him they would always feel like a crutch. “Yeah. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I have nightmares and flashbacks. I’ve gotten so much better at dealing with all of that though with exercise and hard work. I don’t have to take the meds often.”

“You were injured that night too, besides the concussion?”

He turned his right hip to the side and showed her the scars there. “I have a metal hip and a few titanium ribs. I’m practically bionic.” He smiled, trying to make light of it. Mia ran her fingers over the scars, stirring desire in him once more. He pushed up against the headboard and pulled her against his side. “That’s enough talk about death. Tell me about my son.”

Mia smiled. He loved the way her face lit up when Axel was mentioned. He knew without asking anyone that she was a fantastic mother. She had all the necessary ingredients; compassion, intelligence, passion, love and, he would be willing to bet that she had done as good of a job as his own mother had.

The smile slowly faded from her face as she said, “It was about a month after you left when I realized I was pregnant. I had missed my time of the month, but at that point, I had thought it was just all the stress. Then I started waking up sick every morning. I thought I had the flu, until it didn’t stop. I was losing weight and pale and just sickly. My mother was the one who made me go to the doctor. After Travis, they got really protective. If I sneezed one of my parents wanted to race me to the emergency room. Anyway, I went to the doctor one day at her insistence. She was at work and I went alone. When they asked if there was any chance I could be pregnant, I did’nt know. I told the nurse that the chances were very slim. But Axel is your son, after all. He was determined to make his way into this world.” She smiled again. “My mother was so upset at first. You knew her, she was never really a happy person. My father was so supportive. That was when I first went to your father. He was still drinking heavily and when I told him about the baby, he broke down and cried. He told me that he had been a terrible father and if I would give him a chance to know his grandson, he would be the best grandfather ever. I told him I would love nothing more, but only if he was sober. He spent several months in rehab. He fought hard to get sober and he never failed Axel as a grandfather. Axel adored him and vice versa. Greg taught him how to fish and hunt and how to work on a car. He used to tell me all the time how much Axel reminded him of you.”

Asher had tears in his eyes. He was glad that his son was there for his father and vice versa, but he couldn’t help feeling sad that it hadn’t been him. “Does he hate me?”

“Of course not. He has spent his life hearing stories about what an amazing person you are. Your dad told him football stories about you saving the game and I told him how sweet and caring you were to me and everyone who knew you. Your father told him about you taking care of Lily and how much she loved you. He doesn’t hate you, but he’s confused and angry. He doesn’t understand why you left. He knew that it hurt me and he knew that your Dad’s heart was broke over it. We were two of the people he loved the most. So although he also knew that you never knew about him and you didn’t abandon him, he didn’t understand why you left us. I tried to make him understand how bad things were with your mom and then Travis, but it’s hard for a kid who hasn’t really experienced any of that to wrap his head around that kind of emotional turmoil. He’s a good kid and he’s smart and funny and athletic. You’re going to love him.”

Asher smiled through the tears in his eyes and said, “You won’t believe this, but I think I already do.”

Mia had tears in her eyes too. She nodded and said, “I do believe it because I loved him before I even met him.”