Friday, November 3
Date?
Even though it’s literally freezing in New York City, like, under thirty-two degrees, it’s still a really pretty place to be. Sure, I have to wear two pairs of leggings, two pairs of socks, gloves, multiple layers of long sleeves, and a jacket, but other than that, it’s fine.
Sander seems to be doing a lot better than I am. He’s not wearing multiple layers, so I’m thinking the cold is something you get used to.
“It’s not the beach,” Sander says, as we run down the streets. I can see that if we didn’t do this at five in the morning, it’d be a problem. There would be a lot of people and a lot of traffic.
“It’s not bad, though,” I say.
“You look kind of miserable,” he says.
“It’s very cold,” I say.
“Should we just run on the treadmill?”
“No, I like being outside,” I say. “I feel like, if we ran inside, it would be more of a chore and less fun.”
“You think running is fun?”
I can hear the skepticism in his voice. Probably because I complained about working out—a lot.
“It’s grown on me a lot,” I say. “Running is almost euphoric now.”
After we get done running, I always feel energized and ready to start the day.
Before I came to East Raven Academy, I would sleep in until the last minute every day. I wouldn’t even bother with my clothes or hair for school because I just didn’t care. So, getting up at five in the morning to run every day was kind of a big deal at first. Now, it’s normal.
“Are you going to continue, even after everything is over?” he asks.
“Absolutely,” I say.
“I still want to train you,” he says. “Even if, for some reason, you don’t want to join the team, I’d feel better if my girlfriend could defend herself.”
Girlfriend.
I love that word.
“I’d like to keep training,” I say.
Sander was completely unexpected. Literally, he just showed up without warning and somehow, over time, I fell for him. He has completely stolen my heart and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. We really do belong together.
“Why did you decide to come help me?” I ask, wondering what it was about my case that drew him here.
“Honestly, they needed somebody who could pass for a high school student,” he says. “I’m eighteen, so obviously I still look young enough.”
“Yeah, but I’m sure a lot of other people could’ve come, too,” I say.
“I read your case,” he says. “And I was curious about you. I also knew you needed somebody good and I’m good at my job.”
Well, he’s good at his job, but he’s not humble about it, that’s for sure.
“I’m glad you came,” I say.
“Me, too,” he says. “I honestly thought I’d come here for a few weeks or maybe a month, figure out what’s going on and then leave to go to another case. I didn’t realize when I agreed to come that meeting you would change my life so drastically.”
I don’t know why, but I like that. Maybe because I know meeting him has one hundred percent changed my life for the better. It’s nice to know I’ve done the same for him.
Still, I don’t know what he sees in me.
“Hunter gave me the whole ‘don’t break his heart’ speech last night,” I say. “Though I feel like he should be giving it to you and not me.”
“Sorry about that,” he says. “Charlie actually gave me a similar speech before we even started dating. I’m pretty sure your brother hates me for not dating you sooner.”
“I might’ve cried a few times,” I say. “You’re so stubborn.”
“I thought I was doing the right now,” he says. “I was wrong.”
Wow.
He admits it.
Really, I’m not that surprised. Sander is stubborn, but he’s not so stubborn that he can’t admit when he’s wrong.
“It’s okay. It’ll be a fun story...” I say, my voice trailing off.
Was I really about to say it’ll be a fun story to tell our kids someday?
I clear my throat. “I mean, it’s more fun that we waited.”
“I think of all the missed opportunities,” Sander says. “I hardly get to kiss you now because Hunter and Jaxon are always around.”
I nearly trip over my own feet.
“You’re distracting me,” I say.
“I was thinking, now that we’re here in New York, maybe I could take you out on a date,” he says.
“A date?”
“Yeah. Like maybe we can get food and go do something touristy,” he says. “Just you and me.”
I’ve never been on a date before. Netflix dates don’t count. I suppose homecoming counts as a date, but that was a school event. This is something outside of school, so it feels more real... less childlike.
Well, I guess I did go out with Brooks on a date once. But Uncle Matty and Jake were there, listening to our conversation the entire time and I didn’t even get a kiss at the end of the date. Does that even count as a date?
“I would like that,” I say.
“Okay. We’ll go tonight, then.”
“Sounds fun.”
I just have no idea what I’m going to wear. Or how I’m going to do my hair. And I can’t even call my mom or Nora to ask them for advice. I’m all on my own.
“What should I wear?” I ask.
“Why are you asking me?”
“Because I don’t know how to date,” I say.
He laughs. “I don’t either.”
“You never went on a date with your ex-girlfriend?”
“No. We trained together at the shooting range, but my team was there along with her team,” he says. “I don’t think that counts. We were both kind of awkward and spent the day avoiding each other.”
“Romantic,” I say, unable to stop myself from smirking.
“I’ll learn how to be a good boyfriend,” he says. “Just don’t give up on me. And tell me when I do something wrong.”
I believe him when he says he’ll learn how. Sander is a quick learner.
“You do the same for me,” I say.
“I will.”
“Just to be clear, you’re not taking me to the shooting range, right?” I ask.
He laughs.
I guess that’s a no.
I wish my mom or Nora was helping me get ready for my first date, but since they’re not here I suppose Hunter is kind of good at the whole helping me get ready thing. He’s the one who fixed my hair for homecoming and I thought he did amazing. I can’t wait to see what he does tonight.
“What am I supposed to wear?” I ask Hunter, looking through my closet.
“Why do you think I would know?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I feel like you have the most experience with girls and dating.”
“I’ve never been on a date,” he says.
My jaw drops and I turn around to look at him. I’m trying to gauge if he’s being sarcastic, but he’s not.
“Why do you look so shocked?”
“Because you’re... you,” I say. “You flirt with every girl you ever meet. And they all are putty in your hands.”
“I flirt with girls when it’s my job to flirt with them,” he says. “Or with your friends, because teenage girls are so easy to embarrass. It’s funny.”
I roll my eyes. “Are you joking or serious right now?”
“I’m serious about never dating,” he says. “Any date I’ve ever been on, like going to homecoming with that one girl, was all because I needed to do it for a job. I’ve never been on a date with a girl I’ve liked. Actually, I’ve never even liked a girl like that before.”
“What about a guy?” I ask.
He raises an eyebrow.
“What?”
“I’m not into guys like that,” he says.
“What is your type?”
“Why? Are you going to set me up on a blind date?”
“Maybe.”
“I don’t know what my type is,” he says. “And no blind dates.”
“Fine,” I say.
“I might’ve dated you if Sander didn’t,” he says.
I shake my head. “Nope.”
“Ouch,” he says. “Shot down.”
“Please, if anybody would get shot down, it’s me,” I say. “You flirt with girls because it’s your job to, or you flirt with girls because they’re unattainable. I think you’re just not ready for a girlfriend yet. Someday, when you meet the right girl, you will know it. And she will be the second luckiest girl on the planet.”
“Second?”
“I’m the first luckiest,” I say.
He shakes his head. “You and Sander are so gross.”
I just smile.
“You two are also incredibly cute together,” he says. “Okay, hair up or down?”
“Down,” I say.
I don’t usually like wearing my hair up. I have been doing it when I work out just because I’ve gotten used to it. I get hot if I wear it down, but it also just gets in my way. But if I’m not working out, I always want it down.
I remember when I was fourteen, I would even wear my hair down during a soccer game. I was a strange kid.
Was I really fourteen only three years ago? It feels like so much longer.
“I like your hair down,” Hunter says. “How do you want it to look?”
“You know how supermodels always have their hair done when they’re doing shoots at the beach?” I say. “That’s how I want it to look.”
He laughs. “Okay. What are you going to wear?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t think it’s a dress up kind of date, right?”
“No,” he says.
“So, maybe jeans, some nice boots, a nice top and a jacket?” I say. “Or should I wear a skirt? It’s kind of cold to wear just a skirt and leggings, but I also want to look cute.”
“Jeans,” Hunter says. “You have a nice butt. You should show it off.”
“Don’t check out my butt,” I say.
I’ve always hated my butt, but since I started running I feel like it’s gotten firmer. I’m starting to like my body a little more. Or maybe I’m just getting more confident in myself because I’m older. I don’t think any teenage girl really likes their own body. At least it doesn’t seem like it.
Hunter fixes my hair for me, for which I will forever be grateful because I honestly get way too stressed out to fix my own hair. He ends up pulling the front part back a little, into a small braid and curls the rest of my hair.
I always say that Jax is going to make some girl very happy someday with his cooking, but I think a man who can fix his girl’s hair is just as attractive.
“Thank you for your help,” I tell Hunter. “I have no idea what I would do without you.”
He grins. “Have fun on your date.”
I will.
You know in the movies when a girl is going out on her first date with a guy and there is this moment when the girl is at the top of the stairs and the guy is looking at her all awe-struck? I’m kind of having a moment like that right now. Because Sander is looking at me like... how did I get this girl to agree to date me? Though, I don’t know for sure, I just like to think he’s thinking that.
When I reach the bottom of the stairs, I let out a sigh of relief that I didn’t fall down the stairs. Let’s face it, something like that would happen to me. And I just want to avoid that embarrassment all together. Please and thank you.
“You look beautiful,” Sander says.
I’m still basking in his comment when I hear Hunter walk down the stairs behind me.
“Doesn’t she?” Hunter says. “Sure you want to go with him? My offer still stands.”
I don’t even look at Hunter as I answer. “Nah, I think I’ll stick with Sander.”
“Your loss,” he says.
My loss?
More like my gain.
“Are you ready?” Sander asks, completely ignoring Hunter.
I nod. “Yeah.”
I put on my jacket and Sander opens the door, motioning me to go first.
Now that I’m with him, about to leave, I can’t help but feel a little nervous. I know it’s silly. Sander is my boyfriend and I already know how he feels about me, but I feel like tonight is something we will remember for the rest of our lives.
Forever seems like it would be a scary thing to think about at seventeen-years-old, but it isn’t. Instead, I feel a rightness about it and a certainty. Like, I know that Sander is the one for me.
When we get to the SUV parallel parked in front of the loft, Sander opens the passenger side door for me and shuts it after I get in. I have no idea if the whole opening the doors thing is normal, but I like it. It makes me feel feminine and important.
I’m not sure where along the way I started getting feelings for Sander. Maybe it started happening slowly the day I met him, or maybe it happened all at once. But I am so glad it happened.
“What are you smiling about?” Sander asks, as he starts the car.
“I was kind of thinking about the night I pushed you into the lake,” I say.
He looks at me. “You’re not going to push me into a lake tonight, right?”
“No,” I say, grinning.
“Good,” he says, as he puts the car into drive. “Why did you do it, by the way.”
“Because you hurt my feelings, and I guess in some warped way I wanted to hurt you back,” I say. “It’s completely immature and stupid, but it’s how I felt.”
“If it’s how you felt then it’s not stupid,” Sander says. “Every feeling you have is important. I’m just sorry you couldn’t talk to me about it instead of pushing me into the lake. That was cold.”
“I did talk to you about it after,” I say.
He smirks. “Yeah, that was a good kiss.”
“Very good.”
“And completely unexpected,” he says. “I still don’t know why I kissed you. I mean, I had wanted to for a long time, but I didn’t think I would act on it.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“Me, too,” he says.
“Honestly, I’m still shocked that you like me. For the longest time, I thought I was just this annoying girl you were forced to watch,” I say.
“Never. Even from the beginning I thought of you as my friend,” he says. “I wanted to protect you from the moment I saw you. I just... couldn’t imagine anybody ever wanting to hurt you. I still can’t.”
“I don’t think it’s me they want to hurt, technically,” I say.
“Right,” he says.
They want to hurt my dad. Or maybe not ‘hurt’ him, but force him to retire. And they think they can use me to force his hand.
I hate politics.
“I’m sorry that I pushed you into the lake,” I say.
“I’m not,” he says. “That was a really good first kiss.”
His words make me smile.
This boy...
I feel like I will never deserve him.
Right then, I make up my mind that I am going to tell him that I love him tonight. I just hope he feels the same.
Sander and I ate dinner at one of those hole-in-the-wall kind of restaurants. It was amazing Italian food, probably the best I’ve ever had. And now, we are on top of the Empire State Building, looking down at the city.
Surprisingly, it’s not that crowded for a Friday evening. Maybe tourist season isn’t at its peak right now, I don’t know. I’m just glad there are only a few people up here and most of them seem to be couples, wanting to enjoy some quiet time with their significant other.
I step up close to the edge, looking out. Sander surprises me by stepping up behind me and wrapping his arms around me.
I love how I feel in his arms—so warm and safe. Protected. I lean my head against him, smiling.
What more could I want? I’m in New York City with the guy I love. Everything is perfect.
Well, if you ignore all the bad stuff, which I am doing for tonight. I need to feel normal right now.
I have to get up the nerve to tell him that I love him and I wonder how to naturally transition into that kind of conversation. I don’t want to just blurt out the words ‘I love you.’ That might freak him out. It would freak anybody out, honestly. But how do I get the conversation to that point?
“This is beautiful,” Sander says.
I’m glad he’s talking, because I was starting to get nervous thinking about how to tell him that I love him. Why should I be nervous to tell him how I feel?
“It really is,” I say, looking down at the city.
“I was thinking, maybe when all of this is over and things go back to normal for you, maybe you can teach me how to surf,” Sander says.
“Sure,” I say. “I doubt you’ll be hard to teach. Though, I’ll be honest, I’m not the best surfer in the world. I just enjoy being out in the water.”
He laughs. “Maybe I just want to be out there with you.”
That’s definitely okay, too. “I think you’ll like it.”
“As long as I’m with you, I’ll like everything,” he says.
I smile at his words.
Maybe, just maybe, he feels the same as me.
“You know, when we first met, I thought that this was just going to be just another case,” Sander says. “Since I graduated Spy School, I have gone from case, to case, to case. That’s been my life. And why would this one be any different, you know?
“But then I met you. And you were the most beautiful girl I had ever met. I was glad that you had a boyfriend, because I knew that if you didn’t, I would just be distracted by you.”
His words cause my breath to catch.
How can he make me feel like I am the most beautiful girl in the whole world? Because right now, that is exactly how I feel—beautiful.
“When I realized that you didn’t like Estaine, I felt really bad for the kid,” Sander says. “I could only imagine what it would feel like to lose somebody as amazing as you. But I was also upset, because I knew it would be hard to hide how I felt about you.”
“You were good at hiding it,” I say, remembering how I thought my feelings were one-sided for a very long time.
“I was,” he says. “But only for a little while. I got really bad at hiding it and all my thoughts were constantly revolving around you. I tried to convince myself that I was just thinking about you because of my job. It was my job to think of you. But I had never been like this before with another case, and I knew my feelings weren’t just platonic. They were the most real thing I’ve ever felt.”
His words make my heart swell.
I love this boy so much.
“I felt the same way,” I say. “Except, I felt like I was chasing after somebody who didn’t return my feelings.”
“I’m sorry that I made you feel that way,” he says. “I thought you were so brave. You always told me how you felt and were so honest when I just couldn’t be. Even now, I wish I could be braver.”
“You should never be ashamed about how you feel,” I say.
“You’re right,” he says, taking a deep breath. It’s then that I realize his fingers are trembling.
I turn around in his arms to look at him, to make sure he’s okay. But the words die on my lips when I see the way he’s looking at me. Sander doesn’t just look at me. I feel like he looks through me. He sees the real me that I never let anybody see, not even my family—not even Charlie.
My heart pounds hard against my chest.
Sander reaches a hand up and gently caresses the side of my face.
“Phoenix, I love you,” he says.
The words are said so boldly and so certainly, like he’s never been so sure of anything in his life. I look at him just to make sure he doesn’t regret the words, but the only thing I see on his face is his love for me.
He means it.
“I love you, too,” I say. “So much.”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, his lips are against mine. I don’t know if he didn’t expect to hear the words back or what, but he seems shocked that I said them.
Could he really not tell how I felt about him?
But then again, I didn’t know for sure that he loved me back.
This kiss isn’t heated or urgent. It’s soft and warm. So warm. And it’s everything I ever could’ve imagined I’d want after the man I’m in love with told me that he loves me.
He loves me.
Sander loves me.
Gosh, it’s so mind blowing to think about.
Eventually, Sander stops kissing me. I mean, we are on top of a building with a bunch of other strangers. Still, he doesn’t pull away. Instead, he rests his forehead against mine. He’s smiling so big, and I know I must be, too.
“You’re absolutely incredible,” he says.
I gently tap his lips with mine again, because I don’t know what to say.
Tonight is...
Perfect.