Friday, October 27
Never look back.
I’m not going to lie, the farther north we get, the more concerned I am. Because the temperature on the car that should be going up as the day goes along is actually going down. And I am not okay with it. I’m too fragile for this kind of weather.
Okay, so maybe I’m a big baby. I know this. I accept this. I will gladly live in a warm climate for the rest of my life, even if I’m called a wimp for it. What I’m not okay with is the fact that my feet are cold, despite the fact that I am wearing socks and shoes.
“I can’t believe you’re actually shivering,” Hunter says.
Today, Sander is driving and I’m sitting up front with him. They said that we’re going to be finishing up the last of our drive today and I’m excited about that. I’m tired of being in this car.
“I’m not doing it on purpose,” I say.
I reach back and put my cold hand on him.
“Oh, geez,” he says, pulling away. “Your hand is literally as cold as ice.”
I laugh. “Told you I’m not trying to be dramatic.”
Okay, maybe I’m a little dramatic.
“How long are we going to stay wherever we’re going?” I ask.
“We’re going to Wisconsin,” Sander says. “And we’ll only be there a few days.”
Wisconsin?
Another new state for me.
Actually, pretty much everywhere we’ve been has been new for me. Usually when I travel I’m flying over the states instead of driving through them, so I’ve never gotten to experience anything in them. This is kind of interesting because we’ve driven through a lot of cities and towns that I would never otherwise have gone to. It’s kind of cool.
Somebody taps my shoulder, so I look back to see Jaxon passing up a jacket.
“You should put this over your legs. Those leggings don’t look like they keep you warm,” he says.
“Thank you,” I say, using the jacket as a blanket.
He’s right. The leggings don’t keep me warm. Funny how these leggings were so hot in Miami I couldn’t stand to wear them, but here they won’t keep me warm.
“We should probably get some jeans for you or something,” Sander says.
I shrug, not wanting to complain about it anymore. I think at this point, we’re all miserable over the fact that this is our second day in the car. Complaining about how cold I am isn’t helping anybody.
“Maybe next time you guys decide to do an impromptu field trip, it can be to Hawaii,” I say.
“I’m with her on this one,” Hunter says.
“I wish we were going to Hawaii, too,” Sander says. “But, unfortunately, this was completely unplanned.”
I have no idea what is going to happen in Wisconsin, but I know the guys are on edge about whatever it is. They almost seem a little... pissed off. Which makes me even more curious. I don’t think this is something that they wanted to do. Yet, here we are.
“It won’t be so bad,” I say. “I’ve never been to Wisconsin. But I feel like this is how fall is supposed to be. I can drink warm coffee and wear Uggs. I get to be a basic white girl.”
“I want coffee, too,” Hunter says. “We can be basic white girls together. But I have no idea what Uggs are.”
I laugh, imagining Hunter wearing a pair of Ugg boots. I’m pretty sure they don’t even make them in his size.
“Oh, there is a Starbucks,” I say, pointing at the sign on the billboard. “Get off on this exit.”
“You’re seriously turning into a caffeine addict,” Sander says.
“I’ll quit after vacation is over,” I say.
“That’s what everybody says,” Hunter says. “Then one day, you’re on your third latte and you never look back.”
“That was kind of beautiful.”
“Your girlfriend is the girl equivalent of my brother,” Jaxon says to Sander. “How does that make you feel?”
“I am not like Hunter,” I say. “I don’t flirt with every girl I meet.”
“Well, I hope not,” Hunter says. “’Cause the girls would probably like you more than me.”
I stick out my tongue at him. “I mean guys, for me.”
“Besides the flirting thing,” Jaxon says.
“That’s weird to think about,” Sander says. “But you’re kinda right.”
Me?
Like Hunter?
Well, maybe a little.
I look back and see Hunter smirking at me.
“Am I really that annoying?” I ask.
“No, definitely not,” Sander says.
“And you’re cuter,” Jaxon says.
“True,” Hunter says.
My face grows warm at the compliment.
“How much longer are we going to be in this stupid car again?” I ask.
They laugh instead of answering, but I’m pretty sure it’s a long drive from Tennessee to Wisconsin.
Later that afternoon, we finally make it to Wisconsin. And if I never get in another car again, I would be okay with it. My legs hurt and my butt is sore from sitting on it so much. I can’t imagine how the guys must be feeling, because their legs are much longer than mine.
“Can we just fly next time?” I ask.
“You can’t fly right now,” Sander says. “And since this wasn’t an emergency situation, we couldn’t just take the jet. Sorry.”
“You guys have a jet?” I ask.
“Spy School does,” he answers.
I guess it makes sense that Spy School has jets, but it’s still pretty crazy to think about. Jaxon is the oldest of the group—he’s maybe twenty or twenty-one. And then there is Hunter and Sander, who are both eighteen. And they have access to this stuff. They are barely older than I am, and they have such big responsibilities. It makes what I’m going through seem like... less.
I can see how stressed out the guys are. All of them. And Hunter still jokes with me, but I do see the worry in his eyes. Whatever is bothering them, they’re not sharing it with me. I wish they would, but I understand that they probably can’t. They have already told me more than they should about Spy School and their lives.
Tonight, we have two rooms right next to each other, each with two beds in each room. Hunter and Jaxon will be glad to have their own bed again, but I was kind of enjoying snuggling with Sander.
Sander grabs a keycard from Jaxon and we go into our separate rooms. Later tonight we will probably go grab some dinner, but I’m ready to relax a little after being in a car all day.
“How can I be so tired?” I ask Sander, as he shuts the door. “I literally did nothing but sit on my butt all day.”
“I’m tired, too,” he says.
I sit down on one of the beds. “Yeah, but at least you have the excuse of driving all day. I just watched you drive.”
“Road trips are exhausting,” he says, sitting down beside me.
“What are we doing here?” I ask. “You have been stressed out since whatever email you got while we were on that boat in Miami and it worries me.”
“You’ll find out soon,” he says. “At least, I hope you will. It’s something I am going to have to show you. Can you be patient a little while longer if I promise everything is good?”
I nod. “I can. I just don’t want you to be so stressed out.”
“I’m not stressed out,” he says. “I’m actually kind of mad. Which won’t even make sense to you, I know. But it’ll all make sense soon, I promise.”
“Okay,” I say.
He smiles at me. “I’m just so glad you believe me and trust me.”
“You have given me every reason to trust you,” I say.
“I don’t deserve you,” he says.
“Are you kidding?” I ask. “If anything, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. I’m like, this weak little girl who needs you to protect me. I’m scared you’re going to wake up one day and realize that you’re so much better than I am.”
He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds and I wonder if I even should’ve said the words.
“You are better than that, Phoenix,” Sander says. “Never under-value your worth. Just because you need protection right now doesn’t make you weak. You’re one of the strongest people I know. And I am not better than you. Never. Just because I’ve had training that you’ve never dreamed of, just because I was born into the right family and have had the opportunity to go to the school I did, that doesn’t make me better than you.”
I hadn’t thought about it like that.
And he’s right.
But to hear him say it makes me feel guilty for even being insecure.
“And if I didn’t see how amazing you were, I wouldn’t deserve you,” Sander says. “You deserve a guy who will treat you like the queen you are.”
I smile. “You know, you’re kind of romantic.”
“I’m trying to be a good boyfriend,” he says. “But I’m new to all this. Plus, we’re kind of in this awkward situation where we are constantly around each other with two other guys, so it’s... unique.”
“Well, let me assure you, you’re doing great,” I say.
Because the few moments Sander and I get alone, he is very loving to me.
“I can’t wait until all this crap is over so I can be a good boyfriend to you,” he says. “This is part of why I wanted to wait to date you—because my job of protecting you has to always come first.”
“I’m glad you didn’t make me wait any longer.”
Because the whole waiting part sucked.
The uncertainty—that was the worst.
“Me, too,” he says.
Sander leans over and kisses me.
Honestly, if our relationship can survive this, it can survive anything.