chapter 12
It took about an hour to finish cooking and JJ had never had so much fun making a meal. It was strange because she'd never been much of a cook, but being with Jonas made everything fun. For the next hour she decided to put away all her worries and just live in the moment. After all, what was life if she couldn't enjoy a good meal with a handsome man?
"This looks delicious," she said.
They worked together bringing dishes over to the small dining room table. JJ looked around curiously. It was a nice apartment, altogether too fancy for a single man living alone. She remembered the tarnished police badge on the bookshelf. There was so much she didn't know about him. Was it so hard to believe that perhaps he’d had a family in another life? Maybe he hadn't always lived here alone.
Jonas shrugged. "My mom taught me to enjoy good food. So I try to keep up my skills. She’s looking down on me. Got to make her proud."
There was something about the way he said it that made JJ pause. After the day he’d confided about his mother’s murder, she’d tried hard not to pry. She enjoyed giving Jonas a hard time because he was pompous, annoying, and way too sexy. But she never would have guessed he had so much going on underneath the surface. The badass exterior was deceptive. He was really a sweet guy.
"Why would you think she isn't proud?" JJ asked. From everything that she'd seen, Jonas was a perfect son, the kind that any mother would be proud of.
“I’m sure she is,” he replied. But he wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Can you grab the wine?”
Jonas kept his eyes down as he set the table. Okay then. That was a clear sign he didn't want to talk about it. Noted.
JJ went back to the kitchen to grab the bottle of wine they’d started working on earlier. By the time she got back, Jonas was already dishing the tapas they’d made onto plates. The fragrant scent of seasoned chicken, vegetables, and cheese filled the air.
JJ stomach growled. "I can't wait to dig in.”
And just like that Jonas’s smile was back. “That's what I love to see. A woman with an appetite.”
“Well if that's what you like, get ready for a treat. I don't miss meals.” JJ picked up a plate with a big smile. “I'm sure my ass tells the true story.”
“Your ass torments me, that's what it does,” Jonas muttered.
JJ paused in the act of loading the soft corn tortilla on her plate with meat. She bit her lip and glanced over at Jonas. He held her gaze, not backing down. Oh Jesus. Blood rushed to her face and she hurriedly threw toppings on her plate, not even looking at what she was getting.
“That’s right, eat up. You’ll need your energy later.” Jonas grinned as she added another tapas on top of the two she already had. If the man was going to make erotic promises like that, she wasn’t going to discourage him.
For a moment, all was quiet as they enjoyed their food, but it was a comfortable silence. JJ tried not to stare at him but it was hard. He was handsome, yes, but more than that, he was kind. She’d never thought she could have this sort of easy, comfortable routine with a man, where she was completely fine just hanging out doing nothing. For so long, she’d thought of men as always having an agenda. The thought of trusting any man had been incomprehensible. No man would have ever been able to get that close anyway.
But somehow Jonas had snuck past every single one of her defenses and become an essential part of her everyday life. With her living at the penthouse and him over so often, he’d quickly become an integral part of her life.
She couldn’t imagine waking up in the morning without seeing him in his workout clothes, sweaty from a long run in the penthouse gym. And now it was even harder to imagine her evenings without him. Who would she talk to or rant to about the crazy stuff that happened at work? Who could she call that would drop everything just because she felt uneasy and needed to hear a familiar voice?
Lucia would drop everything for you. You know she would.
JJ felt an unmistakable rush of sadness at the thought. Because even though it was true, Lucia had a family now that had to take precedence over anything else. Including her friendship. And that was the way it should be. The circle of life. The bubbly girl she’d grown up with was now a wife and a mother.
JJ had no part of that. Lucia had created a new family and JJ was only on the outskirts looking in.
I’m jealous, she realized. Not in a bad way, she was thrilled that her best friend had found the love she deserved. But there was no denying that she missed her place in Lucia’s life and longed to find that kind of love for herself.
“You’re quiet. Whenever you’re quiet it’s either because something bad happened that you don’t want me to find out about or because you’re plotting something you don’t want me to find out about.”
JJ smiled at his attempt to cheer her up. “Neither this time. I was just thinking about work.”
He narrowed his eyes at the obvious lie. “What’s going on at work? Has anything else strange happened?”
Now she felt bad. She’d just been trying to throw him off the scent of her melancholy feelings about her best friend, not worry him.
“Nothing like that. It’s actually about this charity event I’m working on. It’s to benefit victims of domestic violence. Working with them has been intense. Brings up a lot of old memories.”
That actually wasn’t a lie, JJ conceded. It had been intense working with Alison, planning the makeup seminars that they’d finally decided to do once a week. JJ pushed the last bits of chicken around her plate with her fork. When she thought back to how reluctant she’d been to get involved in the beginning, she was ashamed. It had brought up some bad memories, of course, but it had also been cathartic in a way. When Alison described some of the women she was currently working with, JJ recognized herself in their stories. She understood their fear, their hesitation to take a chance and trust someone to help them.
It was incredibly daunting but also humbling. Maybe they weren’t the only ones in need of healing.
“Old memories?” Jonas’s mouth flattened into a thin line and JJ knew the moment he got it. “Someone hurt you.”
JJ swallowed, her throat suddenly dry as dust. “It was a long time ago. It doesn’t matter now.”
“It matters,” Jonas rasped, his jaw working furiously. “Everything about you matters to me.”
It was such a simple statement, but it meant the world to JJ. She closed her eyes and willed the damnable tears back. Her emotions had been dangerously close to the surface lately, but that was a line she couldn’t cross. She’d already screwed up and cried in front of him once before.
“I was really young. Really insecure. And he made me feel special. Even when things escalated, when he hit me or threatened to kill me, he always made it seem like he did those things because he was so desperate to keep me. Because I drove him to it. It was overwhelming for a teenage girl.”
His hand covered his mouth. “You were that young?”
JJ shrugged. “It was right after Rafe died. Lucia was a mess and I was, too. I’d never known anyone who died before. I had no idea how to process it. Then I met D—then I met a guy.”
He didn’t say anything for a long time, and suddenly JJ was slammed with a sense of foreboding. Why had she told him any of that? It never went well when guys found out about her past. They either went into hero mode and felt like they needed to save her from her damaged past or they were overwhelmed and got distant. The thought of Jonas distancing himself from her hurt.
“Never mind. I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this.”
He reached across the table and took her hand gently in his. She was so shocked that she jolted before her eyes flew up to meet his. JJ relaxed slightly when she saw no judgment in his eyes.
“I want you to tell me anything you want to. I want to know you, Jessica Jones. Inside and out.”
Jonas scooted his chair over to her side of the table so he was mere inches away from her. He didn’t move at all, as if afraid to distract her from talking.
“I’m sure it seems stupid to you that I didn’t just kick him to the curb.”
“No, it doesn’t seem stupid at all.”
Her head tilted slightly at his statement. Suddenly, Jonas pulled her closer. She went still as a board at first but then slowly relaxed, resting her head on his chest with a sigh.
“When I was a little boy, I didn’t understand that my family was different.”
JJ looked up, her attention drawn by the soft, vulnerable tone of his voice. She didn’t dare interrupt, though. Even though he’d told her that his mother had been murdered the first time he’d taken her to his apartment, he’d never mentioned it again. It wasn’t the kind of thing she’d ever ask about, either. Jonas was such a closed book sometimes, but she’d always sensed there was a reason he was so closed off.
“My father was well liked in our neighborhood. He was good with cars, and anything with an engine actually, so he was always helping everyone out with repairs. Everyone thought he was a great guy.”
He was quiet for so long that JJ thought he wasn’t going to continue. Tears stung her eyes.
His mother was murdered. Oh God.
“He wasn’t a great guy, was he?” she murmured. “Not to you and your mother.”
“No, he wasn’t. It was a hard lesson to learn so young. That people can be so charming in public and then be a monster behind closed doors. But I learned.”
Her arms tightened around his waist. “I’m so sorry, Jonas. And here I am telling you about my situation when you’ve lived through so much worse.”
“I’m glad you told me. Pain isn’t a competition. I just wanted you to know that I’m not going to ever judge you for the decisions you’ve made. Because I understand how hard it is to walk away from someone you care about, even when they’re hurting you.”
“That’s just it. I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. He left me. Just vanished. I still don’t know exactly why. Maybe I have a guardian angel out there or something.”
Jonas pulled her forward and kissed her hair. “Thank God for that. My mother never had that. If she had, maybe things would have been different. I wonder about that every day.”
“She would be so proud of you. You help people all the time. All those women who come to Blake Security for protection, you make them feel safe.”
Jonas shook his head sadly. “The one thing I couldn’t do for her.”
She had no idea what to say to that, so she pulled him close for a hug. After a moment of hesitation, Jonas grabbed her and buried his face in her neck. They stayed like that for a long time, until Jonas suddenly coughed and wiped under his eyes discreetly.
JJ took a sip of wine to give him a moment of privacy. Finally, he let out a deep sigh.
“Thank you. I needed to say that. I haven’t talked about her in so long. For years it was just too difficult, and then I thought that it was better to just focus on the future instead of the past. But I don’t want to forget her. I won’t let him take that from me, too.”
JJ could understand that. Even though she wasn’t as close to her family as she’d like, she couldn’t imagine life without her mother to hover over her or her dad’s gruff encouragement. They were very different people and hadn’t understood her flighty, artistic ways, but they’d loved her the best they could.
“Tell me about your mother. What was she like?”
Jonas smiled and the sight of it took her off guard. He looked so young and carefree when he smiled. JJ was filled with a deep longing to see that look on his face every day.
“She liked to cook. And to embroider pillows. She was always making something. They didn’t always come out the way she wanted, but she didn’t care. I think she just enjoyed the process of creating something beautiful from nothing.”
“That’s how I feel about fashion,” JJ commented. “My parents never really understood where my love for it came from. But I love the idea that you can find beauty all around. Color can make people happy so easily. But I think my parents wished I was more practical. You know, responsible.”
“You are responsible,” Jonas said.
“I am. But I meant in a more general sense. My parents wanted a child more like you. Someone using their life to be an advocate for people in need. Doing things to make the world a better place.”
JJ shook her head bashfully at Jonas’s intense look. She definitely didn’t want to rehash all the ways she’d been a disappointment to her parents.