CHAPTER ONE

Owen

Putting the key into the front door, I step over the threshold with our newest edition bundled into the car seat, but there’s one thing missing. An important piece of the family jigsaw.

My wife.

I can’t function. I’m like a robot.

While we were in the hospital the midwives had taken over to help. They were great. They showed me how to change a nappy and how to bathe her, when I couldn’t sleep at night they took her to the nursery - only I didn’t sleep. I stayed awake for all but maybe an hour and thought about Victoria. I could hear her voice, smell her sweet heavenly scent, that smell alone made me feel like she was right here with me. Eventually I’d end up walking to the nursery and holding my baby. Cuddling her to my chest just so Victoria was near to me - that was when I slept until she woke up for a feed.

I still don’t know what happened. The doctor is performing a post mortem to find out. In one way I want to know, in another I don’t. What if it’s something genetic, what if our baby has the condition. What if I lose her too? So many what if’s.

Looking around the room all I can see is her. Her pictures. Even the decor is Vic. I place the car seat on the sofa with… shit, she still hasn’t got a name. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. I’m such a bad person. My daughter has been in this world for three days and she still doesn’t have a name.

The house is in the exact same state as we left it. Her shoes are by the fireplace, her cardigan that she wears when she gets cold is flung over the back of the furniture. I make sure the car seat is sturdy before I enter the kitchen.

There’s two cups and plates in the sink from the other morning. We had tea and toast as we always did before work. She should have been on maternity leave but work was busy. She’s an - was, an interior designer. She went to work on the promise she wouldn’t do much. She was out of breath and kept having dizzy spells, I told her not to go but as ever what do I know.

 

“Sweetheart, maybe you shouldn’t go. I’m sure they can do without you.”

“Owen, it’s my client. I promise I won’t do anything I’m not supposed too.”

“If you feel ill anymore, you come home, okay.”

“I promise.” Leaning up on her tiptoes she kisses me. “A couple of hours I promise.”

“Okay then. I just worry about you that’s all.”

She gazes into my eyes. As I kiss her my hands rest on her belly, smoothing the roundness of it with my palms. “You only have a couple of weeks left, I don’t want you stressed out.”

“I know and honestly, I’ll tell them today this is the last time.”

 

A cry breaks me out of my daze from that morning, if only I’d known I wasn’t going to see her again I would have made her stay home.

I walk back to the living room and take her from her seat, I hold her in my arms and instantly she calms as my phone rings in my pocket. Manoeuvring it out from my pocket while I hold my daughter in my arms, I see it’s my mother.

Sliding across the screen I lift it to my ear.

“Hello Mum,”

“Are you at home darling?

“Yeah we are now.”

“Do you want me to come round? I could help you.”

“No, we're good. Thank you though.”

“Sweetheart, you don't have to do this by yourself, we're here for you both.”

“Mum I'm fine, really. If I need help... then I'll ask for it. I have to go.”

“Okay. Love you.”

 

I slip my phone in my pocket with a sigh and look down at my baby. Sitting down with her in my arms, her head lies in the crook of my elbow as she wriggles. I loosen the blanket around her to have some freedom then she clutches my finger again, her other fist goes to mouth and sucks on it so I’m guessing she’s hungry. I grab the bottle that the hospital gave me before I left and place the teat between her lips, within seconds she’s latched and drinking. “Hey beautiful, what am I going to name you huh? The emotion gets too much for me and tears fill my eyes, without stopping them, they track down my face as she looks up at me with her big blue eyes. I want Victoria, no, it’s not a case of want, it’s a case of need.

I can’t do this alone.

Unlatching my finger from her tiny hand, I stroke the back of my finger down her face softly. “Ella. Ella Victoria Bates. That’s your name.” We went through a thousand names that we didn’t think were right at the time, but…. looking at her now, I think Ella fits. It was actually one of Vic’s names anyway, I think she’d be okay with that.

My free hand wipes the tears away from my eyes as Ella spits out her bottle. Sitting her up I place her against my shoulder and rub her back until she burps, thinking she’s finished I move her but the wet patch on my shirt tells me she hadn’t. “Thanks.” A sad smile pulls at my lips, I kiss her head then lie her on my legs while I take my shirt off. Her legs kick and her arms wave around happily. Once my shirt is off and thrown to the floor I pick her up and lie her against my bare chest. The midwives suggested that I have as much skin to skin contact as I could to get her used to me. I move the seat to the floor and swing around to lie down. Her warm cheek lies against my skin and within minutes we’re both sleeping.

 

“I can’t wait until the baby’s here,” I say as my cheek rests against Vic’s bump. Vic strokes my hair. I feel a kick against my cheek. I move my head and look up at her smiling wide. “We’re going to be the perfect family. You, me and our baby.”

“I love you.”

 

My eyes spring open. Shit, it was a dream. It seemed so real. Looking around the room, everything is still the same and Ella hasn’t moved - she’s still lying in the safety of my arms. My phone pings with a message, I take it from my pocket and see it’s Mum, again. Instead of opening her message, I power off my phone. I know she means well but I don’t need her faffing around me and walking on eggshells not knowing what to say, so instead I won’t speak to her, or anyone.

 

While Ella was still in the hospital the midwives had to show me how to hold her in the bath. Once the water was at the right temperature, I strip her off and lower her into the in, remembering how they showed me doesn’t help matters because she cries all the way through. I try to make the experience as quick as I can for her then when she’s done I rest her against my chest, wrap her in the towel and soothe her cries. “Shh, it’s all over now.”

After the traumatic bath experience, I dress her in a new babygro, give her a feed and wind her. I sit the rocking chair with her, holding her in my arms and gently rock her to sleep. I feel better when I have her close to me like this, the closer she is - the closer Vic is... Seeing as we didn’t know the sex, we just bought white bedding, furniture and painted the nursery in lemon and white.

Once she’s sound asleep, I lay her in the crib we bought for her, then try to tidy up the house and wash the dishes in the sink, but even that proves too hard. Running the water until it’s hot, I robotically squirt some washing up liquid in the sink and put the plug in. We rarely used the dishwasher, with only being the two of us it wasn’t worth it unless of course we had guests. I squeeze the sponge in the water before lifting a cup - her cup. Before putting the sponge in, I lift it, I can’t do it. I look at it and I can see her sitting, drinking her morning cup of tea, she’s happy and smiling. A splash in the water breaks me from my numb state as the cup drops from my hands back into the water along with the sponge. I look down but step from the sink. I wipe my hands on my trousers and walk back to the living room.

Leaving the room, the way it is, I head upstairs to bed.

My life is over.

 

I drop down on the bed staring at Ella, the tears run freely down my cheeks…

I grab Vic’s pillow and hug it to me, keeping her close to me, I can still smell her strawberry scent on the pillow. Lying down, I cry for my wife. I cry for my baby and I cry because I don’t know how the hell I’m going to survive without her. My life is like a big black hole at the moment and the only light I have is my daughter.

Where is the light at the of the tunnel that people always talk about because I can’t see one.

 

“Owen, quick.”

“I’m awake. What’s up?”

“Give me your hand.” I hold it for her and she places it on her bump.

“Oh God. Is that the baby?”

“Yes.” she laughs. “Of course, it’s the baby.”

“It kicked…”

“That’s our baby. I think it’s going to be a footballer.”

“I’m not bothered whether it’s a footballer or a dancer.” I say kissing her lips.

“I’d love a little dancer.” She says.

 

I’m still in the same position I went to sleep in, holding onto the pillow as tightly as I can though. I don’t want to let go of it. A cry comes from the crib at the side of me. Listening to her cry for a few minutes, the wail gets louder…what are you doing you moron? See to your daughter! She needs you!

Fuck. I stand from the bed and lift her from the crib, placing her against my chest, I soothe her and bounce her lightly until she begins to calm. How could I let her cry like that?

 

Flicking the switch for the kettle, I boil the water and prepare my cup to make coffee then get an empty jug from the cupboard. I place Ella back in her car seat while do what I need to. Pouring some water into my cup, I leave it black then pour some into the jug, placing the ready-made bottle of milk inside it to heat through.

Walking back into the living room, I place the jug and my cup down on the table and pick up Ella again. “I’m sorry. I promise, I’ll do my best, just bear with me. I’m new to all this.” My lips press softly to her forehead in a kiss. “You’re going to be our little dancer aren’t you.” I kiss her forehead again before testing the temperature like the midwives showed me and place the teat at her lips to feed her. I grab the photo that sits on the side table of us when we got married and place it at the side of Ella and me.

 

“Owen. Wake up sweetheart.”

I groan. “Owen. You need to wake up.” Feeling Ella being taken from me, I open my eyes.

“What are you doing? Give her back to me.”

“Nope. Wake up. Here’s some coffee.”

Opening my eyes fully I see my Mum holding her Granddaughter. “Mum, I thought I told you I was okay?!”

“Yeah you look it. It’s a mother’s intuition, I know you’re not.” Her sad eyes cut me, she cups my unshaven cheek in her hand. “Look at you, when was the last time you showered, shaved?”

Rolling my eyes at her, “Meet Ella Victoria.” I introduce her as I drag my stiff and weary body from the couch and kiss her cheek.

“Ella. Oh, Owen that’s beautiful. Victoria would love that name.” Hearing her name from someone else’s lips make me realise she’s not here. Every time I’ve gone to sleep I’ve dreamt about her. I can’t close my eyes without seeing her face or hearing or voice. I can’t say her name without my own heart stopping. If I could I’d lock everyone out and live in my own world where it’s just me and my baby girl. I don’t need anyone, I just need Vic back with me. I need her to tell me we’re going to be fine - that I’m not going to suffocate in my own grief without her, but she can’t. I’m alone and no amount of dreams or hope are going to change that. 

“Owen...?” Mum says in a louder voice.

“What?” I snap as she drags me from out of my shattering thoughts.

“I said, go take a shower and clean yourself up. I’ll look after Ella and tidy up down here a bit.”

“You don’t mind?”

“GO.” She says pointedly as I wrap my arm around her shoulders. “Ugh. You stink.” I kiss her and Ella, then take my arse up the stairs and do as I’m told and shower.