CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Owen

It's been three weeks since I've seen her. I haven't even taken Ella to dance class, since that day, I can't bring myself to see her - I can’t bear to see that look on her face again... I hurt her, but these three weeks not seeing her has crucified me. Ella is asking why I don't take her, and as much as she likes her nanna and grandad to take her, she prefers me to be there.

The door opens and in walks Ella and her nanna. “Oh, you're home then?”

“Yep! Sorry couldn't get out of work.”

“Convenient, that the last three weeks you’ve had to work over.” She eyes me waiting for me to crack, just like she did when I was a kid and I’d done wrong. “It's not helping you know?” Mum raises an eyebrow in my direction.

“What isn't?” I ask acting confused. “There’s only me there, it’s my business.”

“Ella sweetheart, go upstairs and fetch some clean pyjamas.” I narrow my eyes at my mum, I'm in for it… “You're not just punishing yourself Owen, you're stopping that little girl from having some normality.” She steps towards me; her hands cup my cheeks. “Ella knows a lot more than you think... do you think she hasn’t noticed that you’re unhappy? You'll never replace Victoria, I don't want you to - but you have to let her go, Owen. I’m worried about you. Grace loves you, every time I walk through that door and she sees it’s not you her heart breaks a little bit more, it’s in her eyes. I’ve seen you with her, she thinks the world of Ella. This is up to you to fix and if you’re not ready for that then you need to tell her.” She kisses my cheek. “You can pretend to yourself all you want that you're doing her a favour by pushing her away but you're not and only you can put this right, but only if you want it enough.” I stand rooted to the same spot I've been in since she got here, looking at the same scrap bit of paper on the floor.

“Ella sweetheart, come and give nanna a kiss I have to go.” She bolts down the stairs into her arms and hugs her. Pulling my phone from my pocket I see her name, my thumb hovers over the call button, should I? Would she even want to talk to me anyway?

Slipping it back in my pocket, maybe later. “Come on baby girl let's get your dinner.”

 

Every time I pick up my phone to text her something comes up, either the phone rings or Ella walks in the room or a client shows up for their appointment - there’s always an excuse.

I finally picked up the courage to see a counsellor and I’ve got my first appointment tonight while Ella is at dance, that way she’ll just think I’m working. Sitting in the car waiting for my appointment to roll around I pull up her number again, but again I stop myself. I refuse to text her anymore while I’m so messed up that isn’t fair to her. Mum was right in one way I have to want this enough and I think finally I do.

 

Walking through the reception of the small building I tell the girl at the desk my name and take a seat as she instructed. The waiting room is warm and cosy. There’s a large leather settee with a throw and pillows on it, magazines on a table and a small coffee machine in the corner. It’s quite relaxing.

I opt out for coffee I’m feeling anxious enough without that and sit down relax back into the corner of the couch. My eyes take in the little things as I look around, there’s some artificial flowers on a windowsill and a painting of a waterfall on the wall. My stomach is in knots with anxiety, I really don’t want to do this now. Maybe I can walk out now. I sit on the edge of the leather seat, rest my elbows on my knees and rub my hands, my knee bouncing in trepidation of what’s to come.

I can’t settle this nervous energy so I get up and stand in front of the picture on the wall, water is supposed to be calming - so they say. I blow some slow breaths out and loosen the tie sitting around my neck and undo the top button then look back at the picture.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it? That’s Niagara Falls.” My head turns to the side and see this the doctor standing at the side of me. I didn’t even hear her I’m so wrapped up in my unease of being here.

“It is.”

“I’m Doctor Lee. You must be Owen?” She raises her eyebrow and waits for me to reply.

“Hi and yes. Pleased to meet you Dr Lee.”

“Shall we go in?” I nod at her.

Walking into her office, I wasn’t expecting what I see in front of me. When you hear of therapy or a counsellor you envision a desk and a leather recliner to sit in, but it’s nothing like that at all. There’s another leather couch matching the one in the waiting room and an armchair, a coffee table with more flowers and some candles. “Please take a seat.”

I sit down on the couch and get myself comfy as much as I can. “Would you like a drink before we start?

“Just some water maybe?”

She fetches me a glass of water from the filter and hands it to me with a smile. “So, tell me, how can I help?”

“I lost my wife over four years ago now.”

“And what brings you here now. Why do you think to see me now?”

“Because I’m messed up. My life is on hold because I can’t let go of her. I thought I was doing well and I met someone.”

“Okay. What’s she like?”

“Her name’s Grace. She’s so different to Victoria - that’s my wife. She’s the total opposite. She makes me smile, something I haven’t done in a while My daughter loves her... I’ve known her for a few months now, we started getting closer and I don’t know what happened if I’m honest, I’ve tried to forget her and I can’t.

“First, how old is your daughter?”

“She’ll be five in April.”

“Why are you trying to forget her? You will never forget her, I will tell you that now but we can help to get you to a place when you remember her and it’s healthy. Do you talk about her?”

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

“How about your daughter?”

“She didn’t know her. She knows about her from what I tell her but I lost my wife in childbirth.”

“Right, okay. That explains a bit more. She lets me talk and talk. I remember the good times we had, the difficult times and by the time I’m finished - my face is wet with tears. She pushes the box of tissues towards me, I take one out and wipe my face. Picking up the glass I drink some water to lubricate the dry throat I’ve got going on.

“Our time’s up I’m afraid, Owen. but I’d like you to do something for me…”

“Anything.” I sniff.

 

 

Sitting in my car I ring my Mum and ask her to take Ella for the night then head home. When she knew I’d been to see someone she was over the moon, asking questions, instead I just said I’d speak to her tomorrow.

Stripping out of my work clothes, I start the shower and let the water heat up before stepping inside the cubicle. My emotions are rife right now, standing under the spray, the water pours down on me while I rest my head back onto my shoulders letting it drain away all my pent-up tension, my anger, my sadness.

Dressed in a pair of joggers and a tee shirt I sit downstairs with a tumbler of Jack Daniels, A candle, her photo and her rings in my hand. Lighting the candle, I switch off the main light. Sitting on the floor in front of the fire with my back against the couch, I hold her rings tightly in my fist, knock back the JD and close my eyes. I do everything the counsellor told me too and remember her. I allow myself this time to remember my wife - just me on my own.

Her voice penetrates my head as I remember, the pain is as venerable as it was the day I lost her.

 

She clutches her chest as she sits down. “What’s wrong baby?”

“Nothing I’m fine.” She puts on a brave face, puffs out a breath slowly and gets her breath back. She grabs her bag with her keys in hand and opens the door.

“I love you Owen. See you later.”

 

With tears pouring down my cheeks the second time today I open up my fist and kiss her wedding and engagement rings and pick up our wedding picture in the other hand. “I miss you Vic, I love you so, so much. You’ll always be here in my heart.” My fist bangs at my chest. “I’m so sorry I’ve been so angry, I’ve tried so hard not to be but I miss you and now I think I need to let you go. I have to do this for our daughter, for me.”

I grab the throw rug she used to sit in when she was cold and hold it to my chest then pour another JD. Staring at the picture of happier days makes me smile. Kissing my fingers, I place them against the glass to her face then pull over the box from the corner where we kept our documents. Pulling out our marriage certificate, Ella’s birth certificate and then Vic’s death certificate plus the photos of when she was pregnant with Ella is just too much.

Sobs break free like they’ve been pent up - locked away all this time. I let them pour from me as I hide my face into the rug and cry. What I’d give for her to hold me right now - just one last time, to hear her soothing voice telling me that everything is going to fine. Opening my tear-filled eyes, I see the tumbler with the amber liquid and knock it back again. “I love you.” Blowing out a shaky hiccupped breath I take one last look at the certificates, then place them in the box. Dragging my heavy body from the floor, I leave the candle to burn and move to lie on the couch with the throw, the photo and her rings still enclosed in my fist and close my eyes. I don’t even remember going to sleep.

 

I dreamt about Victoria that night, the love we shared was second to none. She was my heart. The dream almost felt too real, it was like she was standing next to me. She smiled at me, she blew me a kiss, then waved and walked away, leaving me in the first peaceful sleep I’ve had in over four years.

When I finally wake it’s nine thirty a.m. and I’m still on the couch with the throw over me. The candle has burnt out and I notice then that the full bottle of Jack Daniels I had is now only a quarter full. “Shit.” But I have no hangover and I feel - I don’t know, refreshed. Maybe I’ve needed to do that for a while.

I grab some coffee and sit back down. I go back over what Dr Lee said at counselling. ‘You need to give yourself a time to grieve, no one around just you and your memories.’ I’ve been so occupied with Ella, I never gave myself the time I needed for myself. I told her what we do for her birthday every year but she said to not mix it with Ella’s birthday, to make that a different day and I realise she’s right. How selfish have I been all these years?

Once I’ve drank my coffee I head into the kitchen and cook some bacon, it’s not often I’m here on a Saturday morning. As the bacon sizzles on the grill, I crawl inside my own head for a second and it’s then I realise I haven’t been living at all - I’ve been existing. I’ve been stuck in my own fucked up illusion of how life should be and it’s only clear now. I’ve tried to be okay for Ella but I haven’t been and things that happened with Grace proved that. I was missing Ella doing her dancing, something she loves because I can’t bring myself to face my own problems, I’ve just been sweeping them under the carpet.

No more.

It’s time to move forward and take my life back.