“IT’S YOUR DECISION, Karrie. And like you said, you’ve looked at the pros and cons.”
“I have,” I answer confidently.
“Well then if you’re sure that’s what you want to do, then you have my support.”
Nodding eagerly, I confirm Dr. Mancini’s statement with a simple, “It is.” I rise to my feet, feeling strong and sure. “Thank you for everything.” I look into the kind eyes of this man and wonder how fortunate I’ve been to have had his friendship and guidance for the past several months.
“You’re most welcome.” He spreads his arms wide, offering an embrace. I step in awkwardly and squeeze tightly, silently offering another gesture of thanks.
***
I PULL MY car around to the front of the building and park in the fire lane despite looks from people passing by. I smile sheepishly and want to tell them not to worry and that this will be a quick visit today.
Knocking quickly, I push open the door to Tyler’s room where his bag and the rest of his belongings are packed up, waiting by the hospital bed. His handsome face lights up with a smile when he sees me enter the room before returning his attention to the nurse reviewing his discharge papers.
“If you have any questions, give your doctor a call.” She hands him a few pages of paper stapled together then smiles. “Good luck to you. We hope to never see you again.”
While Tyler accepts the papers with a laugh, I find myself grinning happily at the pleasant sound I’m becoming quite fond of.
“You take good care of him,” the nurse whispers with a wink of her eye as she leaves the room.
“Hi,” I stride across the room and lean in to kiss Tyler’s cheek. His hair is still damp from a recent shower and the light scent of cologne tickles my nose when I inhale softly.
I step back and hide my eyes, knowing my cheeks are flushed pink.
“Damn! You look good,” he remarks, allowing his eyes to travel the length of my body, appraising my tall leather boots paired with skinny jeans and a fitted button down shirt. “You have a date or something?” He fights a smile and loses.
“Something like that. I promised this guy that I’d help him out while he recovers from a broken leg. Apparently he lives on the second floor and can’t manage stairs too well.”
“Good thing for broken legs then,” he chuckles, taking my hand in his. “Seriously,” he looks at me. “Thank you.”
I fill my lungs with a deep breath, silently wanting to thank him but don’t. “I don’t mind. That big house is pretty quiet these days.”
Open mouth insert foot.
I freeze the moment the words slip from my lips. “Sorry.”
“Karrie, are you sure about this?” A look of pity washes over his face.
I smile reassuringly as I cup his jaw. “A hundred and ten percent.”
Grabbing the crutches, I offer Tyler some assistance while he adjusts himself. I collect his belongings and walk slowly alongside him. We make our exit from the rehabilitation center that was his home for the past few months.
“Isn’t your mom coming?” I ask, glancing at the time on the wall clock.
Tyler clears his throat. “I asked her not to.”
“Oh…okay.” I nod, catching a glimpse of something resembling desire reflected in his eyes.
Tyler climbs into the passenger seat of the car and waves his hands around, trying to block my view as I use my phone to record the momentous occasion.
“Stop it!” I wrestle his hands down to no avail. “I’m doing this for your mom. Cut it out!” I reprimand playfully until he finally surrenders, looks at the camera and says, “Hi Mom! I’m going home!”
“See! That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” I tease, closing the door just before he says, “I’m not a big fan of videos.”
I start my car and pull out of the lot, driving cautiously down the side road until I reach the main intersection. Debating which route to take, I signal left then right.
“What’s wrong?” Tyler asks when the light turns green.
“I…I was thinking about which way to go,” I admit.
The light turns yellow and then red. I glance in the rearview mirror, breathing a sigh of relief that no one is behind me.
As if he could read my mind, Tyler asks if we could drive by the scene of the accident. I grimace with uncertainty, wondering if it’s a good idea or if he’s even ready to see where it all happened.
“I’m sure,” he replies after I’ve commented several times that I’m not too keen on the idea.
I sign left and proceed through the green light, driving through the town until we reach the destination marked with remnants of a makeshift memorial.
“Can you pull over?”
“Tyler,” I whisper pleadingly.
“Please.”
Against my better judgment, I maneuver the car onto the side of the road in front of the tree. We sit in silence for a long while staring at the candles, hand-written posters, stuffed animals and deflated Mylar balloons. Each object reopens the wound, causing my heart to pound thunderously.
It pounds with anger.
It pounds with hurt.
It pounds with confusion.
Suppressing the tears, I glance at Tyler and notice his eyes are laser focused on the thick wood. His jaw begins to tick as his eyes narrow before closing. His body shudders with a shiver while his closed eyelids move rapidly and his lips mumble wordlessly.
I reach down and cover his tight fist with my hand, hoping to soothe his pain.
“You okay?”
He loosens the grip of his clenched hand, slowly extending his fingers before entwining them with mine.
“I’m sorry,” he utters. “I’m so sorry.”
I unbuckle my seatbelt and practically throw myself in his arms, each of us holding the other tightly as if our lives depended on it.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’m sorry for everything,” I whisper against his neck.
“God…in one single second everything changed.” His broken voice trails off. “If only I hadn’t—”
“This was not your fault. You weren’t the one driving with a blood alcohol level one and a half times higher than the legal limit. You weren’t the one driving nearly a hundred miles an hour that late at night. You weren’t the one who lost control.”
“No, but—”
“No!” I counter adamantly. “This is not your fault. I won’t let you take the blame for this.”
Tyler rests his forehead against mine and cups my face, using his thumb to wipe away the few tears that managed to slip through.
“Please don’t cry.”
I swallow hard and nod my head to appease him.
“I hate what he did to you. I hate it so much.” Tyler’s voice deepens and his tone darkens. “He didn’t deserve you.”
His eyes roam over my face as his lips move.
“He didn’t deserve you. He never did.”
And for the second time, Tyler joins our lips in a tender kiss. He doesn’t open his mouth or tease my tongue with his. He kisses me slowly, reverently, lovingly.
Everything in me comes alive at his touch. Every cell is infused with desire. Every breath longs to be graced with his scent.
I wrap my hands around the nape of his neck and kiss him harder, desperate to sate the need for deeper contact. Our mouths move succinctly, creating a beautiful wave, an ebb and flow, of giving and taking. His lips trail down to my neck and shower me with licks and pecks. Sweet nothings are murmured effortlessly. Tyler understands my need and gives me what I want until his hands claw at my jacket in an attempt to remove it.
“Tyler,” I pant breathlessly, closing my eyes as I pull away and break our kiss. “What are we doing?”
“We’re doing what feels right.”
“But is it?” I inquire, wishing the ache in my heart would disappear. “Is it right?”
Taking hold of my face, Tyler encourages me to open my eyes and look at him. “Who is to say what’s right or wrong? Who cares about what anyone says? I don’t.”
I shrug because I have no response. Although I believe he’s completely right, I don’t know that people would necessarily agree.
“One thing I’ve learned over the past few months is that life is short and unpredictable. You have to take advantage of every single moment. You would think I would’ve learned that lesson when my brother died, but it took this accident which claimed Alex’s life and almost mine to make me realize this…take chances, live life to the fullest and tell those you love that you love them.”
Once again his words draw tears to the surface of my wide and astonished eyes.
“Karrie, I will never let a day go by without telling you how I feel.”
A rush of warmth surges through my veins as I kiss his lips gently, silently affirming his feelings.
“Ugh, God. I need to stop crying all the time.” I jam my fingertips over my lids and dry the moisture. “What are you doing to me?” I chuckle and shake my head.
Tyler’s left eyebrow rises playfully, challenging me. “You really want me to answer that?”
I park my car in the garage when we arrive at my house less than twenty minutes later. The ride through town was unbearably quiet as Tyler stared out the passenger’s side window, only commenting on the change of the season as we passed a park with a huge oak tree.
“Where’s his tr—”
“Let me get—”
I meet Tyler’s eyes and immediately resent the culpability in them.
“It was totaled. There was no point in bringing it home.”
He nods his understanding and tightens his lips.
“Let’s get you inside, okay?”
Grabbing Tyler’s bag, I guide him slowly, climbing the three steps into the house.
Having him here in my home feels strange; I almost expect Alex to walk in the door or around the corner. By looking at Tyler, I know this is awkward for him too just by the way he scans the room, observing everything. Maybe he’s expecting Alex to walk in, too.
“So I set you up in the guest room since it’s on the first floor. I hope that’s okay.” I lead him down the hall to the far end of the house. He follows along with a rhythmic thud, step, thud, step, keeping pace with me. I open the door wide, step through and set his bag on the bed.
Walking around the room, I point out everything he needs to know and open the door to the half bath. “There’s no shower in here. Al— we never got around to finishing it.”
“Thanks.” Tyler moves slowly into the room and leans against the bed before dragging his eyes up to look at me. “If this is too weird, I can stay at my mom’s.”
Even before he finishes his statement, my head is already shaking from left to right, determined to set him straight one last time.
“No. You’re fine.”
He raises his eyebrows at my words.
“I mean,” I stammer. “It’s fine that you’re here. I think Alex would have wanted it this way.”
Thoughtless, unpredictable words continue to spill from my lips and my cheeks flush a deep shade of red. The truth of the matter is that Alex would not be “fine” with this. My husband would have blown a gasket at the idea of me being alone with another man especially when he’s going to be sleeping here for a few weeks until his leg is completely healed.
Alex Parker was many things, but above all, he was extremely jealous and possessive. I was his. And his alone.
Awkwardly I glance down at the shiny hardwood floor, afraid to either utter another falsehood or make a mad dash to kiss him again.
“Karrie?”
I hum and look up, narrowing my eyes quietly at the peaceful look on his face.
“Thank you.”
I smile.
“No worries. Like I said, it’s fine.”
“I’m not just thanking you for letting me stay here. I’m thanking you for so much more.”
Those beautiful bluish-green eyes of his reach into my soul, caressing it gently with compassion and longing intertwined.
“I guess I should thank you then.”
“Thank me?” he questions humorously. “For what?”
Inhaling quietly, I muster the courage to confess. “For not being the person I thought you were.”
Within seconds, Tyler hobbles across the floor, closing the short distance between us. As he stands there before me, leaning on a single crutch, his free hand slides upward. While scanning my face slowly as his fingers move, Tyler licks his lips as his eyes follow his touch. I could see the restraint written all over his face, the tension radiating in his clenched and ticking jaw. Dragging his eyes upward, he smiles and exhales.
“Thank you for being the person I always knew you were.”
I cover his hand with my own as I tilt my face into his palm, allowing my eyes a moment of rest when they close. My mind drifts away to a peaceful place. A place far away from here. A place not wrought by accidents, death, lawyers and wills. Somewhere between the place where the ocean meets the sand, where hills descend and roll into valleys.
A place where pain no longer exists.
Mimicking Tyler’s earlier action, I moisten my lips with a slow swipe of my tongue, anticipating the feel of his on mine.
I wait and wait and wait until my eyelids separate, reassuring me that I’m not dreaming. Tyler is standing in front of me with desire in his eyes.
His movements are slow and deliberate as he lifts his face and presses a long kiss onto my forehead.
The kiss of rejection stings.
After swallowing the jagged lump in my throat, I release the hold of his hand and step back, wanting desperately to rewind time and keep my feelings hidden from him. My heart is still fragile; I don’t know how much more it can take.
“I’m going to make something for dinner. Can I get you anything before I go?” My voice, laced with feigned confidence, asks.
“No, but you can give me something.”
“Sure. What do you need?” I ask, looking around the room, wondering if he needs a few extra pillows or another blanket.
“Give me your word,” Tyler says, giving me an intense look that burns into me.
I chuckle lightly.
“My word? For what?”
“I need you to promise that you’ll give me a chance.” He shakes his head, correcting himself, “Give us a chance to see where this goes.”
“Ty—”
“I know you feel something, too. I just don’t know yet what it is and I don’t want you to close the door before we’ve had a chance to walk through it…together.”
I pinch my lips and hold my breath before I scream the words, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”
“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but I know you deserve so much more than you had. I would never do what Alex did to you.” A wave of anger and animosity spread across his face as he spits out the word.
“Never.”
At the mention of my husband’s name, my lungs deflate like a balloon.
Confusion and heartbreak struggle for dominance in my heart. Alex and I didn’t have a perfect marriage as it might have appeared. We fought. He drank. I worked. Things seemed manageable, fixable even, until the first night he laid a hand on me. He apologized profusely, claiming that he was drunk and would never intentionally hurt me…until it happened a second and third time when he blamed me and said I deserved it.
No one deserves to be hit.
Ever.
I can’t imagine why Alex would have told Tyler about his abusive behavior; it went against the image everyone loved. Shame floods me. I’m ashamed and embarrassed that Tyler knows how bad things really were; how I allowed myself to be a victim when I knew better. I knew I should’ve called the police. I knew I should have told someone. I knew I should have left him. The expression ‘blinded by love’ was more than an expression; it was my reality.
I have no reason to trust Tyler, but I do. There’s something about him. And I want to know more.
“I promise,” I murmur softly.
Forcing my feet in the direction of the door, I turn and walk away. I know myself too well. I tend to rush into things without really considering all the options. That’s how I ended up at the altar so quickly.
The bed creaks when Tyler collapses onto it. As I close the door, I pause a moment when I hear him release a heavy sigh and the words, “Finally. After all these years.”
***
“HEY,” I SHRIEK, glancing over to where Tyler leans against the doorframe. “How long have you been standing there?” I run my hands along my warm face, suddenly aware that I’m in my bathrobe and my wet hair is wrapped in a towel. “I thought you were still asleep.”
He simply shakes his head as his eyes travel the length of my body, lingering on my legs. The dark expression I perceive doesn’t seem to be one of a man hungry for food.
I bend down carefully to remove the casserole from the oven. A breeze meets my backside and I stand quickly. Even with my tugging at the thin material then tightening the sash, I fail miserably to cover myself.
“I’ll be right back.” My arm brushes against his as I rush from the kitchen. “I’ll be down in five minutes,” I call, taking the steps two at a time.
I close my bedroom door and lean against it, my head falling forward in disbelief as the throbbing in my core becomes even more pronounced. While squeezing my thighs together, I attempt to quell the long-forgotten feeling of lust and desire. Pull yourself together, woman!
After dressing quickly in a pair of yoga pants and a long-sleeved shirt, I splash cold water on my face and look at myself in the vanity mirror. “What are you doing?” I whisper, questioning the woman’s reflection. Staring back at me, she smiles softly and shakes her head.
My slow steps become hurried when I hear voices coming up from the kitchen.
“Oh, hi!” I give my parents a pointed look as they stand there chatting with Tyler.
I lean in and hug my mom, asking quietly why they’re at my house. I told her I wanted to do this alone.
“Just here to support you, Kare Bear,” she promises, assuring me with a wink.
I roll my eyes then smile in appreciation.
My dad nods and mumbles, “Keep me posted,” before following Tyler to the kitchen table and helping him set the crutches off to the side.
“Thanks,” Tyler remarks, giving my dad a genuine smile.
“Would you guys like to stay for dinner? I made a casserole and it’s just the two of us.” I stutter momentarily, trying to clarify that it’s just Tyler and me, not an “us.”
“We were on our way to grab something to eat, but…” My mom looks over at my dad, silently suggesting they stay.
“That’s fine with me.” My dad peeks under the aluminum foils then flashes a grin in Tyler’s direction. “Have you ever had Karrie’s casserole before?”
Tyler’s face shifts from looking uncomfortable to passive. “No, I haven’t. Is it good?”
Leaning over with mischief etched across his face, my dad faux-whispers, “It’s better than my wife’s.”
“Ha!” my mom laughs, striking my dad’s shoulder with a playful swat. “See if you get dessert tonight.”
“Mom! Please!” I beg, knowing that “dessert” is code for sex.
My mother laughs it off as she opens the fridge to grab a chilled bottle of wine.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Tyler asks eagerly. I smirk and tell him that he can sit and relax. “I wouldn’t want you to break my dishes.”
My parents, Tyler and I settle into a comfortable conversation about their recent trip and the change of the seasons. I shiver at the mention of the farmer almanac’s prediction of an early and brutal winter.
“Why don’t you like the snow?” Tyler sets his fork down and sits back. He wears the look of well-fed and satisfied.
“It’s not so much the snow as it is the cold I don’t like.”
“Oh man, this kid would be outside from sun up until sun down on snow days. She didn’t care about the cold back then,” my dad adds, remembering the days of my childhood.
“I was young!” I defend myself. “I didn’t know any better.”
An awkward moment seeps into the kitchen. Those were the words I said to my dad when I confided in him that my marriage to Alex was in jeopardy. I didn’t give him specifics; he would’ve killed Alex. I made him promise not to tell my mother which he did anyway. I avoided her for a few days afterward because I knew she’d pull the old “I told you so” or “You should have listened to me.” While I was free to make my own decisions in life, my mother liked to have a say. My father told me to stick it out and try to make things work. Divorce is a taboo word.
“So, no Tyler, I don’t like the snow.”
“I bet I can change your mind.” Tyler challenges with an air of confidence. Something in his demeanor reminds me of Alex. He had a way of making me do things I didn’t always want to do. Wear this not that. Do this not that. Go here not there. In the beginning I loved pleasing him, but that faded very quickly.
I respond sharply with contempt. “I doubt it.” I stand and excuse myself from the table.
When I return, the table has been cleared, the casserole put away and the dishes loaded and running in the dishwasher. I look around for my dinner companions and find them in the living room where my parents, respectively, sip on what little wine is left.
No one mentions my outburst or sudden exit.
Alex’s words ring in my ear. “You’re nothing but a spoiled little bitch.”
The realization that he may have been right sucker punches me in the gut as I sit in the single chair by the window, listening absentmindedly to the conversation around me.
An unfamiliar tone rings from across the room. Tyler picks it up and answers the call, connecting briefly with my eyes as he glances my way.
“Hi, Mom.”
I watch intently as Tyler talks with his mother and then his nephew. His whole character changes when he becomes spirited and animated on the phone.
Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m smiling, enjoying the Tyler Strong show.
“We’re going to get going home.” My mother, followed by my father, rises and leans over to kiss my cheek. My dad thanks me for dinner and then whispers in my ear, “It really is better than your mother’s.”
I return the loving smile.
“Hey! I heard that!” my mom quips.
“Thanks for coming over.” I stand and walk them to the door. “But please call next time.”
With a loud booming ruckus, Tyler hobbles into the foyer and extends his hand to my dad. They seem to exchange something more than just a hearty shake.
“Mr. Miller, it was good to see you again.”
“You take care and rest that leg. I might take you up on that offer when you’re back on your feet.”
My mom receives a quick kiss on the cheek along with a cordial salutation. “Thanks for the visit.”
“Bye guys! Love you!” I close the door and turn to face Tyler with narrowed, inquisitive eyes. “What was that about?”
He feigns innocence and I laugh.
“You just met my parents for the first time and now you’ve become best friends with my dad and my mom just about swooned over you!”
Tyler’s broad shoulder shrug with amusement. “I have that effect on people.”
“You’re so full of yourself!” I breeze past him and sit on the couch, curling up with a throw pillow on my lap.
A few moments later, Tyler takes a seat beside me; he’s close enough yet still far enough away. He props the crutches on the armrest.
“You realize your parents and I met before, don’t you?”
“You did?” He has my full attention. When?”
“At your wedding.”
The ghost of my former life slaps me in the face, reminding me that it’ll always be there.
“That’s right,” I sigh sadly. “Sorry. I guess I was in my own little world back then.”
Seconds become minutes as we lose ourselves in thought.
“That was a tough day for me.”
I burst out in confused laughter.
“What? Why would my wedding day have been a tough day for you?”
Tyler looks away, blinking slowly before sweeping his eyes back to mine. “I didn’t want to be there—”
“Then you shouldn’t have come!” I interject. “No one forced you to go, did they?”
With rounded eyes and raised eyebrows, Tyler’s face reveals his complete shock and utter surprise.
“That’s not what I was going to say.”
“Then what?” I antagonize. The kindling in my belly is set ablaze; I’m ready to spit fire.
“Forget it.” His chest fills with air and he releases the breath. “I don’t want to fight with you. That’s so far from what I want to do with you.”
Humiliation sets in. “I’m sorry.” I reach out and touch his forearm, extending an olive branch. “I don’t know how to do this. Do we talk about what happened? Or do we act like it all never happened?”
Tyler moves his arm so that his fingers lace with mine.
“Karrie, we have to talk about it. All of it, but we don’t have to do it all tonight.”
“I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I’m afraid to do or say the wrong thing.”
Tyler squints at me, perhaps processing my words. “You can’t do or say the wrong thing…not to me. Just be yourself. That’s all I ask.”
I nod and smile softly. “Okay, but that’s easier said than done.” I stop myself from revealing that I don’t know who I am these days. Since the day I met Alex, I slowly transformed into someone else. Someone I didn’t even recognize some days.
Reaching for the remote, I click on the television and flip through the channels until I come to a rerun of Dawson’s Creek. I always did envy Joey’s life and her romantic relationships with Dawson and Pacey. What a lucky girl to have been loved by both; but in the end, only one boy won her heart forever.
“This show was awful!”
“What? This is classic 1998!” I toss the pillow in his direction. “What did you watch then?”
“I didn’t. I was always outside playing some sport.”
“Even in the winter?” I challenge.
“Ice hockey is one of my favorite sports.”
I shiver dramatically and over-exaggerate a look of abhorrence just thinking about the cold.
I compromise and change the channel, bypassing ESPN entirely and wait for his response. When he says nothing, I ask, “Want to watch the sports highlights?”
“No. I’d rather play than watch.” He grins. “Besides I already checked the scores on my phone.”
I listen intently as Tyler recalls stories upon stories from his youth. He understands the sacrifice his parents, particularly his mother, made for him and his brother.
“How’d you get into racing?” I ask, knowing we’re towing the line carefully because it’s something he did with Alex.
“My dad was into sports. We had dirt bikes and four-wheelers before we had bicycles.”
I sense there’s something he’s not telling me, but I don’t want to push the subject.
“My dad keeps saying he’s going to get a Harley cruiser.” I laugh heartily. “That’ll be the day.”
“You’re pretty close to your dad, huh?”
I nod. “My mom, too. Perks of being an only child.”
“That’s good. My dad took off the day after my brother and I turned twelve. The last time I saw him was at Tommy’s funeral. He had the nerve to show up after all this time.”
The tone in his voice changes and I get the impression he’s getting upset.
“Then it’s his loss.” I offer comfort.
“That’s what people say, but we lost, too. We grew up without a father. My brother didn’t handle it so well.”
I shift my weight to sit closer beside him and lean my head on his shoulder while the show continues. Neither one of us is really paying attention.
“I think that’s why Alex and I got so close so fast.”
I sit up quickly at the mention of my husband’s name.
“You don’t have to do this.” My words offer an escape.
“Why not? If it weren’t for Alex I wouldn’t be here right now. We wouldn’t be sitting here on your couch watching crap TV.”
“Why do you do that?”
He hums in question.
“Make things light-hearted.”
“Karrie,” Tyler moves to look directly at me. “Life is short. From the day we’re born, we already start to die. I don’t want to waste a single second being angry. Believe me, I’m furious with Alex, but I can’t change it. It is what it is. Life goes on.”
“Wow! You really live up to your name, don’t you?”
A sheepish smile tugs at his lips.
“It is a great name.”