MY EYES FLUTTER open at the sound of the obnoxious guy screaming on an infomercial. I struggle to make sense of why the television is sideways. Closing my eyes again, I drift back into a deep slumber until the sun shines on my face.
When my eyes open for a final time, Tyler’s leg, still bound in a plaster cast, comes into view. I blink quickly as my brain registers that I’m laying across Tyler’s chest and my hand is around his neck. I turn my nose inward and inhale the scent of his T-shirt.
I curse myself for having this dream. This has to be a dream, but the movement of his chest beneath mine confirms my worst fear. I am awake and I’m in Tyler’s arms.
Like a little mouse, I squeak a quick hello when he looks down at me.
“Good morning,” he says with a grin. “Did you sleep well?”
I nod before sliding my hands down from his neck and resting them on his chest. Beneath my fingertips, I feel his heart pounding wildly. Overwhelmed by what’s happening, I move to stand up, but Tyler tightens his hold on my back and asks me to wait just a minute.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this.”
I’m pulled tightly against his warm body and his hand rubs circles on my back.
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
He kisses the top of my head.
“For so long…from the very beginning…”
I jerk back and look at him cautiously.
“What are you talking about?”
He smiles softly then asks what I’m doing today.
“Don’t change the subject!”
He laughs.
“I’m not, I promise. I want to spend the day with you. Can I take you somewhere?”
A tickle of anticipation rumbles in my stomach.
“Sure, but today’s my shift at the clinic. I’ll only be gone for a few hours.”
A wary look flashes on Tyler’s face.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
Clearing his throat, he nods, ending any further conversation.
“Will you be alright on your own for a few hours?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure? I can call my mom to come stay with you. Or you can call your mom.”
“I’ll be fine. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience your mom and my mom works third shift so she sleeps most of the day.
“I didn’t realize that.” I adjust the throw pillows and walk into the kitchen, calling over my shoulder, asking if he’d like coffee or tea.
“Coffee would be great.”
I set about brewing a pot of coffee as Tyler stands at the window, overlooking the backyard.
“I remember when Alex had this pool put in. He wanted to go with the bigger one, but you had to convince him to go with this one.”
My hand freezes on the refrigerator door when I realize how casually Tyler is talking about Alex. I resume the task of getting things for breakfast as my heart pounds heavily in my chest.
“How can you do it?”
Tyler turns to face me. “Do what?”
“Talk about Alex like nothing happened? He died. He’s not coming back.”
His lips tighten into a thin line. “You think I don’t know that. He was my best friend and the closest thing to a brother. I’ve forgiven him and I hope to God he’s forgiven me.”
I feel an ache in my heart.
“Every day when I open my eyes I realize I’m alive and he’s not. I realize I have another day to live my life. Another day to make things right.”
His voice trails off somberly.
“You make it sound like you’re this awful person who needs to be redeemed.”
Tyler’s eyes drift away and look down.
“There are things I need to make right. The most important one starts,” he hobbles over on his crutches, “right here with you.”
Mere inches create the space between our chests. My eyes scan the thin material of his fitted T-shirt. I moisten my lips quickly, preparing for his kiss.
His fingertips crawl up my arm until they reach my neck and he begins to massage my skin slowly. My entire body goes on high alert.
“Why are you doing this? Months ago we hated each other.”
A side grin appears. “You hated me?”
“Loathed immensely,” I admit.
He tips my head back, forcing my eyes to meet his straight on.
“And now?” I force myself not to look down at his mouth.
I’m in love with you.
My teeth clamp down on my lip as I suppress a smile when my voice becomes breathy and low.
“And now you’re here with a broken leg, driving me crazy.”
He lowers his mouth to my ear.
“How exactly am I driving you crazy, Karrie?”
I grip his wrist for support as stuttered words emerge.
“I…you…how can this…I want...”
The softest, the most delicate kiss in the history of kisses is placed just below my earlobe followed by a succession of several more.
“Am I wrong to feel this way?” I ask quietly, praying silently he’ll say no.
“I don’t think so…although others might disagree. But from the first time I saw you, I wanted you.”
Shocked by his admission, I gasp and pull back. “What? You did not!”
With gentle yet strong hands, he guides me back to where I was.
“I promise you I did.”
His eyes appear more blue than green when he blinks, revealing sincerity and truth. “I’ve got a lot to tell you.”
***
DEAR GOD, PLEASE let me be doing the right thing. You wouldn’t have brought Tyler into my life for no reason, right? How did this even happen?
When I arrive back home from my shift at the clinic, I sit in the car for a few minutes to finish my silent conversation before I close the garage door and exit my car. I walk into the house and immediately notice how tidy the kitchen is. I let out an annoyed huff. My mother didn’t say anything about coming over today.
The sound of music beckons me to find its source. Following the tempo, I walk down the hall and stop at the guest room.
My eyes aren’t prepared for the image before them.
“Seventy-two. Seventy-three.”
A shirtless Tyler hisses the numbers as he bends his elbows, lowering his body to the floor and then extending his arms to rise back up. The muscles in his triceps elongate, showing clear definition from hours in the gym.
My tongue betrays me and slips through my lips, licking slowly in anticipation of savoring something delicious.
As if they have a mind of their own, my eyes rake over him, taking in the complete view of his body drenched in a sheen of sweat. Quietly I ogle him as he continues to push himself through the point of exhaustion noted by the trembling of his arms. From this angle, I can see how strong his core is, each layer of muscle reveals itself through his abs. When the last rep is done, Tyler flips over and lays flat against the floor, throwing his arms over his face while keeping his legs propped on the bed where they’ve always been.
“Ten more,” he grunts, sitting up quickly, curling his body.
I step into the room to stop this man from ripping his muscles away.
“Hey! I think you’ve done enough for today.”
Tyler snaps his head in my direction with surprise etched on his face. Quickly, he attempts to get up from the floor, but the awkward position has him stuck.
I drop my purse and rush to help him.
“I’ve got you.”
The conciliatory smile on my face transforms to a look of desire when my hands slide across his back. Bending down, I lean forward, press my chest against his and lift.
He tucks his head down to his chin and huffs, shrugging off my efforts to help.
He mumbles, “I can do it.”
Moving forward, he presses his hands to the floor, lifting himself slowly off the floor.
Immediately I miss the contact with his skin. I miss the salty scent of his sweat. I miss him.
Ignoring his words, I slide my arms underneath his and use all of my strength to lift him onto the bed. I grunt and groan, struggling to maintain a solid hold of him.
Do not let him fall. Do not let go of him. I silently convince myself as I fight the weight of his body and the pull of gravity. I collapse on top of him when I’ve finally managed to get him to the middle of the bed, safe and sound. A loud grunt escapes my mouth as my hands land on his chest and my eyes on his. The proximity of our mouths sends a wave of anticipation through me.
“Hi!” I pant, my lips tugging back into a crooked smile.
“Hi yourself.”
Tyler lifts his hand to my face now covered in a layer of sweat as tiny beads form at my temple. Using his fingertips, he wipes the line of moisture away as his eyes maintain constant contact.
I freeze at the gesture.
“You’re strong,” he whispers with a raspy voice.
I inhale his breath and hum, allowing my eyes to close and savor the intimacy of this moment.
“You’re a lot stronger than people think.”
“I know you deserve so much more than you had. I would never do what Alex did to you.” Tyler knows what I’ve been through. For some reason, Alex confided in him. While Alex would never go to church with me, he did confess his sins to someone.
I have no response. Instead, I do what feels natural. What feels right.
I lower my lips and kiss him softly.
His hand moves to the nape of my neck, angling my head to the side while his tongue sneaks through his warm lips, seeking its lover.
My fingers spread wide across his chest, wanting to feel the heat radiating from within. In small circular motions, my thumb rubs gently until it glides over raised skin. My lips freeze and my eyes open.
Mumbling against my lips, Tyler tells me not to look, but I don’t listen. I pull back slightly, creating a small space between our bodies to inspect his scar. The raised seam runs from his breastbone to the top of his abdomen. I slide my index finger along the fading pink line, a painful reminder that his chest was broken open so that his life could be spared. I remember that incident vividly.
John Doe number one and John Doe number two.
Alex Parker and Tyler Strong.
That night I loved one and hated the other.
Today things are the complete opposite.
Tears form in my eyes as I close them, lowering my face to his chest. I place my lips at the top of his scar and gently kiss my way to the end where I’m met with taut skin and the curve of his abs.
First, a kiss for his pain. Next, a kiss for his strength. Then a kiss for his resiliency. And finally, a kiss for his will to live.
I sniffle as a single tear falls and gets lost in the sprinkling of chest hair.
“What are you crying for?” he asks, guiding my eyes back to his.
“I hate that you went through this.” My chin quivers as an ache forms in my throat.
“Come here.” As if I weigh nothing, Tyler tugs me onto the bed next to him, tucking me beneath his chin while he wraps his arms around me, securing me in place.
With the fingers on one hand, I gently wipe away my tears as the other finds its way back to his scar, moving up and down slowly, tracing the jagged line.
“I hate that Alex was the cause of this. He caused so much pain.” My voice cracks, weakening at the end.
“It wasn’t all his fault.” He clears his throat. “I guess I’m partly to blame.”
I look up and silently plead for him to continue.
“We fought that night,” he confesses.
I gasp. “You did? Like physically?”
“No, not physically…although he did try to punch me in the face.”
For so long I wanted to know what happened the night my husband died. I wanted to find out exactly what happened in the truck and to know why he lost control and hit the tree. I knew he was drunk; the toxicology report indicated that, but I knew there had to be something else. He would never have been driving that fast with the trailer attached to the back. Those motorcycles were priceless to him.
I hold my breath in anticipation.
“He had some issues he was dealing with over the weekend.”
“Issues?”
“Bikes weren’t running right. Other racers were talking trash. He was really agitated.”
Sounds like the man who replaced my husband at the end before he died.
“There was some other stuff, too. He started drinking about half way home and he didn’t stop. He started rambling on and on; most of it didn’t make sense. I tried to convince him that we should stay at a hotel or that I should drive, but he wouldn’t listen.”
Tyler looks at me knowingly.
“You, of all people, know what he was like. You couldn’t change his mind about anything. If he thought the sun was purple, it was purple in his mind.”
I nod, remembering all the times I tried to convince him to see my perspective when we argued. He never listened.
“And then you came up in conversation.”
“Me? Why would my name come up?”
“You were his wife, Karrie.”
“Yeah, but I figured he was in the “zone,” I air quote, “when he went racing. I mean he could never call or text me because he said he didn’t have good cell service down there…at the track.”
Tyler swallows nervously as his face transforms to one of anger.
“What?” I prod, wondering what he is withholding.
“There was cell service.”
I tuck my hair behind my ear as I sit up.
“What? I don’t understand. Why would he lie to me?”
Glaring at me with serious eyes, Tyler reveals through gritted, mumbled words that my husband didn’t want to call me.
I roll off the bed and jump to my feet, demanding that he retract his statement, calling him a liar.
“I’m not lying to you. Look at his phone records if you think I’m lying.”
No sooner do the words leave his lips, I can tell he regrets them.
“I’m sorry,” he says, reaching for my hand and tugging me closer to him. “Karrie, I have no reason to lie to you.”
The seriousness in his voice is startling and unexpected, causing an uneasiness in my heart.
I stand silently, blinking slowly, trying to comprehend what Tyler is telling me.
“Was Alex cheating on me?”
Tyler releases a deep, almost painful, sigh as he utters my name.
“Was. Alex. Cheating. On. Me?”
My nostrils flare as the fire in my belly ignites with deep animosity for my deceased spouse.
Rubbing his hands across the scruff of his jaw, Tyler locks eyes with mine and simply nods.
A thousand images of my husband’s transgressions appear in my mind and taunt me. His smile. His words. His touch. He shared those with other women.
“And you knew? And you fucking knew?”
I step forward and slap him clear across the face.
Tyler’s head falls in shame.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me?”
I fall to my knees, each word releasing as a ragged cry.
“It killed me! To think that he would do that to you.”
Tears rain down from my eyes, staining my face.
Tyler reaches for me and caresses my face softly.
“I would never have done that.”
I shove his hand away.
“Who is it?”
Nodding back and forth quickly, Tyler says it’s not important anymore.
“It’s in the past. Let it go.”
“Let it go?” I shriek. “You just told that my husband was unfaithful and you expect me to let it go.”
“I…,” he stammers, “I’m sorry.”
Hiccups rattle my body.
“If you couldn’t tell me then, why now? Why tell me now?”
“I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. I want you to trust me completely. I want to be with you more than anything!”
There’s no denying the longing in his voice.
“Be with me? You hated me! Every time I saw you, you did all you could to avoid me. How can you all of a sudden, after all these years, want to be with me?”
Tyler pushes himself off the bed and stands before me, looking down with a soft expression.
“I have loved you since the very beginning. I think I might’ve fallen in love with you the very first time I saw you.”
Bewilderment forces my eyes to widen as I gasp, “What? What are you talking about?”
Slowly, he lifts a hand to cradle my chin, his gentle touch searing my skin as he tilts my head, leaving me no choice but to look up at him.
“I love you.”
I gasp. A breath of air fills my lungs as my face crumbles with confusion and surprise. Only his name manages to slip from my lips before his mouth is on mine. My body melts on the inside from the sensation. He deepens the kiss, pouring undeniable truth into it until my lips ache and my tongue stills.
Pressing his forehead to mine, he whispers, “For so long I watched you. For so long I wanted you. For so long I loved you, but always…always from a distance.”
“I don’t understand.” I search his eyes desperately, hoping to find answers that will only come from his spoken word.
“Let me show you.”
A sigh of exasperation seeps out. “Tyler, just tell me.” I cover his wrists with my hands and rub gently. “Just tell me.”
“I want to show you. I need to show you.”
I nod, accepting his terms and the idea that he might have had feelings for me all along. The notion is unimaginable, foreign and suspicious— unnatural even. Could it really be possible that Tyler Strong loved me when I was his best friend’s wife?
A shadow of doubt creeps into my mind and casts a seed of suspicion to take up residence. This is about money. After all these years, upon my husband’s death when the benefactor of his will was changed, now Tyler tells me about his concealed desires.
“You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to make up stories. Everything in Alex’s will is yours. I don’t know what game you’re playing.”
Even as the words emerge, I regret them instantly because in the pit of my belly I don’t believe the deceit. For some inexplicable reason, I believe him…especially as a look passes over his face, transforming it into a mask of sheer pain.
“You don’t get it. I don’t want anything of Alex’s —except you. I want you.”
My mind and my heart engage in a full out battle, each charging forward with swords of truth and knives of doubt. My heart wants to believe him, but my mind challenges his reasons and intentions.
“Do you remember the first time we met?” he asks huskily, a slow release of air sweeps across my face
I wrack my brain, but only come up with the first time I met Alex at the concession stand. I remember looking back and seeing Tyler there, but I didn’t talk to him so I wouldn’t consider it an actual “meeting.”
“You were sitting in the stands reading a book.” He laughs. “I thought it was so strange that you would come to one of the loudest places possible and try to read. Someone distracted you, causing the book to slip from your lap and fall through the bleachers.”
I remember that day. I was cramming for finals and John had to work overtime so I went along for the day. I couldn’t concentrate at all. The sights, the sounds, the smells. I was distracted all day whenever the motorcycles lined up and the announcer’s voice blared through the speaker. Every time I tried to read, my eyes wandered over to where the racers stood around their trailers. I followed the cluster of black suits as they inspected their bikes and made last minute adjustments. One man, dressed in all black, stood out; his dress pants and button down shirt weren’t exactly appropriate for the race track.
“I was watching you when you scrambled to grab the book before it fell. I thought for sure you were going to fall too so I rushed over. You mumbled under your breath, cursing like a trooper. I figured you were in a bad mood so I just picked up the book and slid it to you.”
“And I grabbed your hand when I reached for the book.”
Slowly he nods, confirming my words.
“That was you?” I ask incredulously, remembering seeing the man dressed in all black walk away. “I called out to thank you, but you didn’t turn around. Instead you pulled your ball cap lower and covered your face.”
Tyler’s expression changes, his face displaying a deep sadness. “I was in a really bad place that day. I had just come from my brother’s funeral. I needed something quick to relieve the stress of the day. I felt a connection just with that quick graze and I knew if I looked at you, I would’ve seduced you and probably taken you back to the trailer. Even though I didn’t know you, I had seen you before and when I touched your hand… I felt something. There was an instant attraction. And I knew I couldn’t do that to you…or rather I didn’t want to do that to you.”
I immediately consider all the other women he did do that to. The stories Alex told me about Tyler and the women at the track rush forward like a tsunami, making my stomach wretch. I’ll never forget the explicit and intimate details my husband described as if he had been there himself. It sickened me and when I asked him to stop, he got annoyed and said it was just “guy talk.”
“You were attracted to me?” I question, my voice rising an octave higher. “I had no idea. I felt something too, but I didn’t realize it was you.”
“He noticed me looking in your direction and asked who I was looking at. I ignored him and was on my way back over to you, but he told me not…”
“What? What did he tell you not to do?”
“He told me I didn’t need to get involved with anyone. He said I needed to concentrate on racing. I needed to get my head in the right place after having just lost my brother.”
“Tyler, that doesn’t make sense. Why would you listen to Alex?”
His shoulders raise up quickly as he shrugs. “Honestly,” he chuckles dryly, “I don’t know, but it was a good thing I did because two weeks later, he turned on the charm and you fell for him.” He gives me a pointed look; one I can’t deny. I fell hard for Alex the first time I met him.
“I couldn’t compete with that,” he utters quietly, admitting his abandonment of a pursuit before making any real attempt.
This revelation hurts my heart. Hoping to erase the look of despair on his face, I close my eyes and shake my head, unable to believe that this other option was never even given the chance to be explored.
“Compete? You didn’t even give me a chance. You didn’t give yourself a chance!”
“Karrie, you would’ve chosen him.”
“You don’t know that!” I argue as the adrenaline races through my body and quickens my heart beat.
“He was Alex Parker. He always won. It’s what he did. It’s who he was.”
It’s my turn to concede and acknowledge the truth in his words.
Alex Parker was larger than life. He lived life boldly, choosing to live every day to the fullest. That, and the fact that he was sexy and older, was what drew me in. I never stood a chance against him. I loved that he was admired and respected even though he always wanted to be the center of attention. He thrived on it to the point I think he depended on it. I know he felt the heat when Tyler started winning races and everyone’s focus shifted to the young, up and coming drag racer. That was the beginning of the end for Alex. That’s when he changed. I didn’t know then what it was, but now it all makes sense.
“And so you just sat back and let him win.”
He nods sadly.
My heart is beating wildly in my chest; it’s ready to explode with anger, sorrow and joy. The notion that Tyler had these feelings and kept them hidden for all these years pains me, yet the same idea makes me realize how noble he is. He stepped aside so his best friend could be happy. He obviously didn’t pine over me for too long considering all the stories Alex told me.
A million different occasions flit across my mind, remembering all the times I saw Tyler, how much I disliked him because he was standoffish. I search his face, looking for any trace of the bitterness I became accustomed to seeing.
One day above all stands out. My wedding day. As I walked down the aisle, I caught his eyes briefly and what I perceived as animosity on Tyler’s face wasn’t that at all; it was envy. He wanted what Alex had. He wanted me. And each time I tried to talk to him, his responses were always short and curt. I can’t imagine how hard it was for him to see me with Alex…especially when Alex was unfaithful.
I stammer through broken words. “I don’t know what to say.” My teeth clamp down on my bottom lip as my brain struggles to comprehend it all.
“So you see…I never hated you. I just couldn’t be near you. I saw the way you looked at me through the window every time we left for a race. I wanted to break the door down and tell you, but how could I?”
His name falls from my lips in breathless whisper.
“I died that night, Karrie.”
My head snaps up. “What?”
“The night of the accident. I died on that table, but you brought me back to life.” He reaches for my hand and lifts it to his heart. “You made my heart beat. You kept me alive.”
“But…how do you know that?” My mouth drops open in surprise and my head shakes from side to side.
He couldn’t possibly know that I literally held his heart in my hand. It’s impossible!
“You stayed away from me for a month. A lot happened in that time.”
Guilt floods my soul at the thought of him alone at the hospital. My emotions were a jumbled mess. Guilt, relief, desire and confusion all fought for prominence because I couldn’t believe, I didn’t want to believe, that I was falling in love with my husband’s best friend.
I shift my body to sit on the bed as exhaustion, physically and emotionally, sets in. Tyler sits beside me, taking my hand in his.
“I know this is new for you…the idea of us, but it’s not for me. I’ve loved you for a very long time.”
I smile at his words, wishing I could reciprocate his feelings, but I can’t. We have so much to learn about each other and so many obstacles to overcome.
“I don’t expect you to say anything in return. At least… not right now.” He tips his head and raises his shoulder, those bluish-green eyes holding me still, causing my insides to stir until a crooked grin appears on his face. “Maybe tomorrow though.”
“Do you understand now why I didn’t come around or talk to you?”