CHAPTER 16
Charlie
It never occurred to me that Gavin might be dealing with his own issues. And clearly, whatever he was dealing with had certainly had an effect on him, especially since it felt like that was the reason he was holding back. I may be pretty clueless when it came to these sorts of things, but I’d be hard-pressed to deny that there was an attraction between us, and it wasn’t just one sided.
Most guys wouldn’t have hesitated for even a moment, given how willing I’d been to take things further. So unless I was completely mistaken, and Gavin didn’t find me at all attractive, then that meant there was something else going on. And he’d said as much when he mentioned his demons and trying to work through his past.
Gavin seemed so sweet and smart, so put together… I couldn’t imagine what he was dealing with, though it was clear he wasn’t ready to talk to me about it. And why should he? It’s not like he’d known me for long. Hell… I’d never even heard his name or said hello to the guy just days earlier.
“I’ve got an idea.” Gavin gave me a smile, and though I knew he was likely just trying to change our mood around, I was grateful for it. “When we were first pulling up to the cabin, I spotted some Adirondack chairs on the back patio. What do you say to watching the sunset? It will also give the dogs a chance to play outside.”
I grinned from ear to ear, stealing a quick kiss, and loving his thoughtfulness. “I think it’s a perfect idea. Unless… it’s not safe.” Given that I’ve never been in this sort of situation before, I didn’t know exactly how secure this location was, and though I’d like to get out and watch the sunset and try and put my embarrassment behind me, I’d rather not get my head blown off.
“This should be a completely secure location. No one knows we’re here, and the FBI are going to make sure that it stays that way.” He tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear, the gesture so sweet, it immediately had my heart racing for him, and there was no denying how drawn I was to him.
Maybe it had to do with the lack of any real affection that I got from my parents after my brother’s death. But I craved Gavin’s touch, and if I had to guess, I’d say it had more to do with Gavin and the effect he had on me, versus me just being lonely.
Unable to resist, I leaned in and pressed my lips to his one last time before climbing out of his lap, the dogs immediately perking up and getting to their feet from where they’d been lounging by the fire.
He stood by my side, towering over me, as his body brushed up against mine, almost as if we couldn’t bear to be apart. “I doubt we’ll be long, given how cold it is. We can leave the fire going since it’s safe enough, and that way we can warm back up quickly once we get back in.”
Grabbing my hand, he led the way to the back porch, the roof overhead keeping the chairs from being snow-covered. There was a definite chill to the air, which left me grateful that Gavin had grabbed the throw off the sofa, and there was a two-seater that we could snuggle up on. The dogs ran down into the yard, excited to play, and luckily, well behaved enough not to take off on us.
I curled up by Gavin’s side, as we snuggled under the throw, his arm draped over my shoulder, and I honestly couldn’t think of anything more perfect. The setting sun painted the sky in pinks and oranges, as a midnight blue seeped in from above, the sky changing from moment to moment. It truly was beautiful, and I couldn’t think of anyone more perfect to spend the evening with. I knew I must be insane to be growing so attached to someone I’d only just met, but Gavin felt like my kindred spirit and our bond had been immediate.
The sun had nearly set when the dogs perked up and became alert at something — which immediately had Gavin stiffening at my side and sitting up, ready to go after an attacker should he need to. But then he relaxed, sitting back once more as he leaned into me and pointed towards the tree line. “Right there, love… Do you see it?”
A huge deer stood hidden amongst the trees, alert and ready to bolt. But once it spotted the dogs, it was clear it wouldn’t be hanging around for long. Just as quickly as it came, it was off again, though its brief presence left me feeling far more at peace.
My life may be a mess, but I still had things to be grateful for, and I was going to make the most of them.
My nightmares were always the same.
The ice cold water stealing my breath as I tried to break to the surface…
The numbing cold that kept my limbs from working…
The weight of my winter jacket… my snow pants… my snow boots, weighing me down like lead. I tried to fight the pull of gravity as it threatened to drown me in the cold icy lake.
Jessie, just seven years old at the time and only two years younger than me, had run out onto the ice. I called out to him, trying to get him to come back, knowing we weren’t allowed to go on the lake.
But he didn’t want to listen.
Our parents would be so angry with us if they found out. I had to get him back.
I hated going onto the ice, but he was already a good distance away, and I had to get him off the lake. The further away I got from shore, the slower and more careful I became, even as I continued to yell at him, begging him to come back. Finally, my brother stopped and looked over at me, but it was only to mock and tease me, like he always did. “Chicken. You’re always so worried about everything, and you never want to have any fun.”
I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t true. That I had plenty of fun, and he was just being mean.
Before I could say anything, there was a sudden look of shock on his face—and then Jessie was gone, falling through the ice. I screamed out his name and started to run towards him as he broke through to the surface, scrambling to try and get some sort of hold so he could pull himself out. Yet there was nothing for him to hold onto… no way to pull himself out. Each time he tried, another chunk of ice broke off.
I had to reach him but he was still so far away. Someone else calling to us… help was on its way. I quickly waved them down, and then turned back to run to Jessie, when the ice gave out from under my feet.
The icy cold water seized my lungs and stole my breath as I plunged into the deep dark lake, stealing my scream. I struggled to survive, struggled to get to the surface, kicking with all my might. I managed to steal a desperate breath as I broke through to the surface, my limbs flailing… and then the darkness of the lake was swallowing me whole once again, the fight going out of me as I ran out of breath…
The next thing I knew, strong arms were pulling me out of the water, just enough for me to finally catch my breath, my rescuer sprawled out on the ice as he held onto me, while others tried to make their way to us safely, so they could pull us to the shore.
I tried to scream out to Jessie… tried to tell them to leave me and go help my brother… but my words were frozen in my throat.
And my brother? My brother was gone.
It was still early in the morning, but staying in bed and trying to sleep in was pointless when sleep would only lead to more nightmares. And any sleep I did get wasn’t the kind that would actually put a dent in my exhaustion. Instead it was fraught with tossing and turning as my mind raced.
I padded out into the kitchen, feeling miserable after my restless night. Though I should be surprised to find that Gavin was already up at such an early hour, I was starting to think he slept even less than I did.
“Sweetness… what are you doing up already? You should be sleeping. The sun’s still hours from rising.” He set aside his laptop and patted the spot on the sofa next to him.
I sat down by Gavin’s side and curled up against him, taking comfort in the peaceful calm his strong arms afforded, grateful that I now had him in my life. With his arms draped around my shoulders, he enveloped me in their safety as I breathed in his scent, one deep breath after another, a calm slowly settling over me as he worked a magic he probably didn’t even know he could wield.
“What’s wrong, love? Something’s clearly bothering you.” He already knew me so well. Better than even my parents did after a lifetime of living with me. Though maybe that had more to do with the fact that Gavin actually cared about me, and my parents… my parents hadn’t.
I somehow managed a smile as I looked up into his bright blue eyes. “It’s nothing. I think it was being in a new place… a new bed. Usually it takes me a few nights to adjust. Though maybe… if I had company, I might sleep better.”
He groaned out loud, making me laugh. “Don’t tease me, girl. I’m trying to be good here—and you’re making it damn hard.”
I leaned into him, whispering in his ear. “Then maybe being good is overrated.”