CHAPTER 17
Gavin
I’d been exposed to a lot of temptation in my life, but Charlie was the only one that I wouldn’t and couldn’t indulge in.
Holy fuck!
She was a virgin. A beautiful innocence that I wanted nothing more than to claim as mine.
Our chemistry was undeniable, but the problem was, I really liked her, respected her for the intelligent, caring woman that she was. A guy didn’t take advantage of that, especially not one who wasn’t the least bit worthy of being the first man to be with her.
Damn! Why did that idea make me want to scoop her up and drag her to a cave somewhere?
I couldn’t take her, but I sure as hell didn’t want another guy touching her, either.
“You know I want you. But I can’t, Charlie. As much as I’d like to, it’s not possible. There are too many things you don’t know about me.” I was afraid if she knew the truth, she’d never look at me again the way she was right now.
She thought I was some kind of hero, and she couldn’t be more misinformed.
Charlie put a comforting hand on my arm, and that simple touch almost broke me. I squeezed her more tightly in my arms, knowing that I could never have anything more than her body cuddled sweetly against mine.
“Then tell me, Gavin. There’s nothing you could ever say that would change my mind. I’m not a virgin because I want to be, or because I’ve been saving myself. I’ve just never felt this kind of attraction before. You’re the only one who makes me feel this way,” she confided breathlessly.
Shit! Shit! Shit! I needed to move away from her, but I couldn’t. The only way I was moving is if I shocked her into moving someplace else.
Mine! The thought of her pulling away, rejecting me, made my gut ache.
“You want to know about my past? You want to know the real me?” I growled.
“I already know you,” she answered. “But would I like to know what’s bothering you? Yes.”
I stared straight ahead at the wall, not wanting to see her look of disappointment while I spoke. “I grew up hard,” I shared. “My siblings and I never had a childhood. We spent most of our time trying to stay alive in a world of violence while living on the wrong side of the tracks.”
“Then it’s all the more admirable that you’ve gotten to where you are in life,” she said reasonably.
I laughed, a bitter sound with no humor. “You won’t think so once you’ve heard the whole story. A lot of things happened between then and now. I was desperate for money so we could all get out of poverty. My mom was already working three jobs, but it just wasn’t enough. As the oldest, I knew I had to help, and our only chance was using my computer skills to make some cash.”
“You just did what you had to.” As always, she was trying to see the good in me, when I knew better.
“I’m a hacker, Charlie. I’ve always been a hacker, even though I was running a PC that I’d put together with salvaged parts, and I had no formal training or college. But I was good, and so I used my skills to make money. At first, it was petty stuff, but it made me enough cash to provide better for my family. Unfortunately, at the time I wasn’t sophisticated enough to cover my tracks. I’ve served two sentences for hacking. I was better at it the second time around, and it took a while for them to catch me, but I eventually got sent back to prison.”
Charlie was completely silent for a while, like it was taking some time for that information to sink in. Finally, she answered, “Did you steal from people?”
I shrugged. “Tiny amounts from tons of accounts. I never wanted to do much damage to any one person. But eventually I was caught.”
“You haven’t gone back again?”
I shook my head. “I met Kane the second time I was in prison. We bonded together for protection at first, though we quickly learned we could trust each other. He was in for manslaughter... Things went wrong when he tried to protect his younger brother from thugs.”
“What happened after that?” she asked in a hushed tone.
“Kane and I finally grew up and went legit. Well, as honest as a hacker can be. When we were both out, we founded our company. It’s taken years for us to get where we are, but we’re a great team.”
“Gavin, it’s not a crime to try to support your family. Desperate times sometimes require desperate behavior. You’ve paid for what you did. Why can’t you give yourself credit for going straight?” She threaded her fingers through my hair and stroked the locks to comfort me.
“Don’t you get it? Because what I did was wrong, and I still bend the rules. It’s just usually being done trying to assist the authorities now.”
“Like trying to eliminate the atrocities that are happening on the dark web?”
“Some of it,” I grumbled.
“I think knowing where you came from makes me admire you even more,” she mused. “I’ve never had to worry about where my next meal was coming from. My physical needs were taken care of.” She laid her head on my chest with a trust that nearly made me come undone.
I knew what Charlie was saying was true. She obviously came from a much wealthier background than I did, but I had a feeling she had problems just as serious as my own.
“I was branded a criminal, Charlie. And I always will be. No matter what happened after those prison stints, I’m still a convict. You understand why I can’t sleep with you? I’m a hardened bastard.”
“Maybe I like men with character,” she said defensively. “It doesn’t matter that you fell, it just matters that you rose up again to fight in a better way.”
“It isn’t just that,” I rumbled irritably. “Shit happens in prison, things that stay with a person forever. Situations and regrets I can never change.”
She scooted closer to me. “Just tell me, Gavin.”
I blew out a deep breath. “Friendships and alliances are formed in prisons… prison gangs. Kane and I stuck together because the last thing we wanted was to have to deal with crazy murderers and career criminals. Neither of us was in for long. We just needed to survive long enough to get the hell out of there. And when we did get out, we were determined to change our lives for the better. We stuck together to keep the gangs off our backs. But being two men who were willing to scrap wasn’t always enough. Their gangs were bigger, and more powerful. Our release dates were pretty close, and we knew we just had to get through a few more months when something bad happened. Really bad.”
Tormented visions flashed across my mind and I cringed as I relived what I’d done to Kane. My gut rolled as guilt flooded over me.
“What happened, Gavin?” She gave my hand a squeeze, letting me know it was okay… that she’d be there for me.
“There was one gang in particular that hated us. They knew the best way to weaken us was to turn us against each other—except whatever they’d tried hadn’t worked. It just made us stronger, bonded us closer. Until one of them came up with the most twisted and sadistic idea.”
“What did they do?”
“They managed to drug us and then caught us in an ambush. I think Kane and I both figured we were dead because we were hopelessly fucked up from the drugs—the ecstasy they’d slipped into our food. The bastards had knives and nothing to lose, since they were lifers. Kane and I were both strung out on drugs and adrenaline.”
I stopped, my breathing ragged as I tried to gather my courage to tell Charlie my secret, something I’d never discussed with anybody except Kane.
“It’s okay, Gavin. I could never hate you,” she reassured me.
“Oh yeah, you could,” I argued. “But nobody will ever hate me as much as I hate myself. What I did that day fucking haunts me.”
“Did they hurt Kane?” she guessed.
“They beat the crap out of both of us,” I explained. “I was so high on the drugs they’d slipped us that it didn’t matter. I couldn’t tell right from wrong, and I hated the fact that I had no control to fight.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Charlie protested.
“Actually, the worst part of it was my fault. I may have been forced, but I should have died before I did what they made me do to my best friend.”
“Tell me,” she pleaded.
“After they beat us up, they insisted that I fuck Kane. They knew it’d be the best way to make us hate each other. Between the knives to our throats, and being so screwed up on the ecstasy, I did it. I did the most horrible thing I can think of, Charlie. I raped my best friend.”