CHAPTER 21
Charlie
“Hey, love… what are you up to?” Gavin asked the following morning as he strolled into the living room of the safe house. “And you, Thor… changing loyalties, buddy?” he asked his monster dog as the pup sprawled at my feet with Ripley.
Both dogs rose immediately and attacked Gavin to get their morning dose of affection. He scratched Thor’s wiggling body, and rubbed Ripley’s body until both canines were satisfied and plopped back down for their nap.
I looked up at him and smiled as he stood back up from his doggie love-fest. “I’m actually working. I’m trying to document what I can remember about the altered virus. I just can’t figure out every detail. I thought it might help if the FBI knew exactly what we were dealing with.”
Damn, he looked so good in a pair of jeans and a black T-shirt. I shivered as I stared at the powerful body I’d gotten to know so well and so intimately the night before.
Though a few muscles I didn’t know I had were burning today, I felt good—and oddly enough, I felt like a different person to who I’d been just a few days ago.
Gavin had changed me.
And I was pretty sure I’d changed him.
After his confession that he hadn’t been with anybody in years, I knew my instinct was right about him needing to give in or escape back into his guilt. Kane had obviously moved on, no longer traumatized by what prison had forced on him and Gavin. It was Gavin’s turn to let go now.
He plopped down in a chair opposite of my seat on the couch and opened his own laptop that he’d been carrying. “Anything I can do to help?”
“No. Not really. I just thought if I could put the formula together like I saw it that day, it might help. But my exposure was really brief, just long enough to recognize how serious and destructive the research was. Obviously, I didn’t know that my boss was making chemical weapons at the time. I thought it was all a big mistake.”
Gavin closed his laptop and gave me his total attention. It was one thing I really adored about him. When I was talking or troubled, he listened completely and without distraction. “Was it really bad?”
I nodded. “It was similar to one of the deadliest viruses in the world. I should have thought of it before I went to Doug. There are only a few labs in the entire world that have the facilities to handle any kind of research on viruses that deadly. Our lab didn’t handle that class of virus. I guess I was just so concerned that I didn’t think before I brought the information to Doug. I should have known something was off.”
“You did what any normal person would do, Charlie. This isn’t your fault. You got caught up in something that never should have touched you,” Gavin grumbled.
“Somebody wants to kill a massive number of people, or at least use that research to hold nations hostage,” I mused.
“It won’t get that far. I have faith in the FBI team who knows about it now.”
“I hope they get to whoever is masterminding this research.” I nodded at his laptop. “I guess you were going to try to get some work done.”
“Maybe take another look at the dark web,” he admitted.
“Will you show me how it all works?” I asked curiously.
“If you want. But it isn’t pretty,” he warned.
I rolled my eyes. “Which is probably why it’s called the dark web.”
“First, tell me how you’re feeling,” he insisted.
Gavin had gotten up before I awoke, and we really hadn’t had time to talk. By the time I’d showered and brought my laptop out to the living room, it was already late in the morning.
I changed positions on the couch, wincing a little as I moved. “I’m just a little sore.”
His sharp eyes assessed me. “More than a little, I think.”
I shook my head. “I really am okay.”
“A warm bath might help,” he suggested.
“Are you planning on joining me?” I teased. The bathtub was enormous, plenty big enough for both of us.
“Don’t tempt me until you’re not sore anymore,” he rumbled.
I knew it might be a while before my muscles weren’t aching, but being with Gavin again would be worth a little bit of discomfort. Or maybe it would be worth a lot of discomfort.
“I think I’d be lonely in that big tub all alone,” I said with false innocence.
“Don’t push me, woman,” he warned.
I shrugged and twirled the single braid I’d put in my hair after I’d showered. “It was just a thought.”
His gorgeous blue eyes turned a darker shade of blue as he seemed to mull the idea over. “Not happening, beautiful. The next time I fuck you, you’re going to be pain free.”
“It was way worth it,” I told him in a husky voice.
“I was wondering if you’d wake up today and come to your senses,” he said hesitantly.
I shot him a surprised glance. “What do you mean?”
“After everything I told you last night, I thought you might think about it and realize that you’d given your virginity to a convict who was in no way worthy of you.”
“Don’t say that!” My tone was sharp and angry. “I hate it when you do that.”
Gavin looked taken aback as he stood up straighter in his chair. “Do what?”
I gulped for air to try to form my words. “You piss me off when you put yourself down. Do you realize I’ve never in my life wanted to be intimate with another guy? Yeah, you’re hot and all, but the reason I want to be with you has nothing to do with superficial things. I care about you, Gavin. I admire your tenacity. I love the way you wanted to take care of the rest of your family even when the decks were stacked against you. When it would have been so much easier for you to just give in and join one of the prison gangs, you resisted. You came out of prison and made something out of your life. You help the authorities now instead of running from them. Don’t you think all of that means something?”
He shrugged. “I guess it means I’m not a total dick anymore.”
I was angry. I didn’t get that way often. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so pissed off. But if Gavin wasn’t going to see for himself who he was now, I was damn well going to show him.
“It means you’re a good man, Gavin. Period.”
“But what I did to Kane—”
“You had no control over that, Gavin. And Kane’s forgiven you,” I reminded him. “Give yourself a break. Kane doesn’t blame you. Both of you are alive. You’re safe. You’re successful. Let it go. Please. It hurts me when you put yourself down.”
“I’ll stop,” he answered immediately. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Charlie.”
I nodded. “Good,” I said sharply.
I watched his face as his lips twitched.
“Don’t you dare laugh!” I demanded as I pointed a finger at him.
His grin grew broader. “I can’t help it, sweetheart. You’re so damn adorable when you’re mad.”
I crossed my arms and glared at him.
“I’m glad to know you still don’t have any regrets,” he said in a deep, throaty voice.
“I don’t.”
“Aw, don’t be that way, Charlie. I can’t help the way I feel sometimes. But I’ll try. I swear I will.”
My heart melted at his vulnerable admission. “You can’t change your past, Gavin, any more than I can change mine. And believe me, I wish I could change a lot of things. The only choice we have is to move on.”
“I think I’m moving on,” he said with humor in his voice. “Probably because I can feel your foot on my ass.”
Maybe I was pushing on him, but he needed to go forward.
My own lips started to curve up in a smile. “Believe me, if I could touch that mighty fine butt of yours, it wouldn’t be with my foot,” I said, loosening up a little.
He rose a wicked brow at me. “Feel free any time.”
Now that my anger was dwindling, I felt my face flush. Gavin’s willingness to be so obvious about his attraction to me still flummoxed me at times. I wasn’t used to having a guy’s sexual attention, and I certainly never dreamed I’d have it from a man like Gavin.
“You’re so much more than you think you are,” I told him earnestly, certain that my heart was probably in my eyes.
“Ditto, Charlie. I’m not the only one who has issues with seeing my worth, sweetness.”
He had a point, but… “Our problems are different,” I protested. I’d lived most of my life knowing exactly how little I was valued and actually resented by my parents. I wished I could change that, but I couldn’t. I turned myself inside out and upside down trying to be what my dad wanted, but someday I had to accept that I’d never be Jessie, and my dad would never forgive me for that.
“I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what happened, love,” he said in a deep, coaxing voice.
My heart ached as I stared across the space between us and into his sympathetic blue eyes. I wanted to tell him. I needed to tell somebody, and Gavin would probably understand. But the old familiar sense of remorse that I’d carried my entire life kept my lips sealed.
I jumped at the distraction of Thor getting up and padding over toward the back door with Ripley right behind him.
“I think they need to go out,” I said brightly, avoiding Gavin’s assessing gaze as I jumped up to follow the dogs to the door, my heart racing as I thought about spilling out all of my insecurities and my childhood trauma. I’d kept everything locked away for so long, I wasn’t even sure I could pull it out again.
I’d done nothing except exist for so long, but now Gavin was starting to wake up parts of me that I’d never even explored.
It felt good.
But it was also frightening.
I opened the door and let the dogs out, watching them from the screen door. Both of them pretty much did their business and then wanted to stay in the yard for a little play time. I smiled at their antics as I watched them chase each other around the yard, both of them blowing off steam.
I cringed as I saw a rabbit duck into the bushes, Thor the first to pick up the bunny’s scent.
“No, Thor. Don’t you dare,” I called out as I opened the screen door to grab him.
Ripley and Thor were both fairly obedient…but they both had a prey drive.
“Dammit!” I cursed as I saw Thor take off into the bush with Ripley right behind.
I raced after the dogs in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, ignoring the overcast, chilly day in the mountains because of my concern for the dogs, hoping they gave up on the rabbit chase pretty damn quickly.