Chapter Fifteen
Leah
I play with my phone, swiping back and forth to my messages screen - only glancing up when I realize Emma has stopped talking.
“Sorry, what was that?”
She gives me a thoroughly unimpressed look.
“I was just telling you how my life is going to shit. I’m due to start paying for all the business arrangements I’ve made and Dylan hasn’t shown me any of the funds he promised yet. The clients that were going to come with me are asking what the hell is going on, and I don’t have anything to tell them. Not to mention, the rent Ed gave me to cover the second room here is all dried up, and the only people I can find interested in the place are hippies and stoners - which, you know, I don’t care. But that landlord…fuck ‘im. I swear I’m about to lose my home and my chance at actually starting my own business.”
“Oh.” I say, checking my phone again.
“Leah!”
Emma dives for it, which I only notice when she snatches it out of my hands.
“Hey!”
“You can leave this god-damn thing alone for one moment, Leah. I’m your best friend - and I’m going through crisis here.”
It buzzes as she speaks, and I try to wrestle her for the damn thing, not caring that we’re probably attracting looks from the other clientele in the cafe. My heart’s racing too damn fast for that.
“Emma, c’mon, I need to check that.”
She somehow jumps off the couch we’ve been lounging on, glancing at the screen herself. Then she rolls her eyes - flashing it in my direction.
I see the message from Alistair pop up.
Still alive.
And then I flop back onto the couch, sighing as my arms land somewhere above me and my heart rate eases again.
This is the first daddy-daughter day that we’ve done - something I suggested, to start making up for all the time he lost with Maddie. Plus, on the less altruistic side - I thought it would give me some well deserved time to myself after all those years looking after my little girl.
What I didn’t count on was that I’d spend every moment of that ‘me time’ thinking about her…and him…and what they were doing together. And whether everything was okay. And whether he’d remembered this, or that, or anything else…
After the first few reminder texts I’d sent him, he’d taken to sending me these cute little messages to let me know he hadn’t, y’know, killed her or anything yet. Which is nice. But it doesn’t stop me worrying anyway.
“They’ve gone to an aquarium. What exactly are you expecting to happen to them, Leah?” Emma says with exasperated amusement.
“I don’t know.” I mutter, pulling myself back up into a sitting position as she nudges me. “But it’s the first time he’s been alone with Maddie, and…I don’t know how it’s going to go. What if something happens? What if she has a meltdown and he doesn’t know how to cope? Or he looks away for a moment and loses her in the crowds? Or—”
“Leah.” Emma says, firmly. “You’ve left her with me before. Please don’t tell me this is what you were thinking the whole time.”
“Well, no. Or not much, anyway. But I’ve never left her with you for more than a few hours - they’ve been gone all morning. And they’re not coming back until—”
“What about your friend in Pittsburgh, then?” Emma asks, frowning. “I thought she used to look after Maddie while you were working - surely that’s an all-day thing.”
“That’s different.” I say immediately. “She has a kid of her own - Tommy - and she knows what she’s doing. Alistair has never done any of this stuff, he’s only seen Maddie for the last few weeks, and—”
“You’re such a control freak.” She rolls her eyes at me, laughing, but I just stare back.
Me?!
“I’m the control freak?” I say, incredulous.
“Uh, yeah. Have you not noticed, hun?” She laughs again. “Why do you think Alistair infuriates you so much? The rich, unpredictable guy who does whatever the hell he wants.”
“He was always the controlling one.” I point out.
“If you say so, hun.” She grins at me. “And sure, maybe he was - but nowadays, the controlling things you complain about seem to look awfully like what anyone else would take as a sweet, romantic gesture.”
I frown. I’d never quite thought about it like that. I’m not sure I believe her, but…well…maybe there was a reason Alistair and I butted heads so much, especially all those years ago…
“Anyway, I think he’s way more competent with Maddie than you’re giving him credit for.” Emma says in a matter-of-fact tone. “From everything you’ve said, he’s been amazing with her. And how else do you learn, anyway? Relax, Leah. Just breathe. Drink your coffee. Have some cake. And relax.”
She’s right about that at least. Of course she is. I let out a long sigh, trying to follow her advice. But it’s different when you have a kid. Everything feels different.
My eyes drift towards my phone again, and she promptly tucks it into her jacket pocket.
“Hey!” I repeat.
“We’ll hear it if it goes off. You won’t relax if you keep staring at it, and thinking about them.”
I grumble, but she has a point about that too. So I try to do what she’s suggesting, and enjoy my coffee date with my best friend.
“Maybe if you listen to all my problems, it’ll be a fun distraction.” She says lightly, and I laugh reluctantly.
“Okay, okay. I was listening, you know. Dylan problems, housemate problems, business problems. Which one do you want to start with first?”
She grins, and launches into a diatribe about Dylan and her concerns that the investors he’s talking to don’t seem interested in her, or finding out more about what they’re actually going to do with the money.
I try to listen. I really do.
But by the third time she’s had to tap my hand to stop me from staring off into the distance, she gives up.
“Okay, okay. Since you’re not going to be able to focus on anything that isn’t Maddie or Alistair right now, let’s talk about them. You still haven’t told me all the dirty details, girl. Is living in his gold-plated apartment a dream come true? Are you fucking like rabbits? How are things?”
That makes me laugh out loud. “It’s not gold-plated - c’mon, you’ve seen it.”
Which was an interesting night all in itself. Emma practically refused to let me move in unless she’d okay’d the place - and the guy. All just an excuse to see The Alistair Sinclair in person, but since she is my best friend, it was a little crazy she hadn’t met him in the first place.
So now we have regular dinner dates set up, and I get to have all the people I care about the most in one room at once. It’s almost idyllic.
Well, almost all the people.
Mathilda flashes back into my mind, along with another stab of guilt. We exchange messages every now and then, but I still haven’t talked to her properly since I left Pittsburgh. Yet another thing to sort out.
Maybe I’ve made some dreams come true, maybe. If everything works out. Which it looks like it actually might, for once. But no one ever tells you about all the logistics and plans and work that’s needed after those dreams come true.
Yeah, you have so much to complain about right now, huh?
“That was so not the point of that comment, and you know it.” Emma interrupts my train of thought. “Tell me about all the crazy sex you’re having. Giiirrl, I need to live vicariously through you right now - believe me, with everything that’s going on, sex is the last thing I’m thinking about doing.”
“Obviously not the last thing.” I mutter, considering how much she likes bringing it up. But maybe that’s just because she got to see Alistair’s abs - after that, I’m sure there’s not much else you could think about.
“But you’ve obviously never tried to have sex while looking after a kid.” I say, with a wry smile, the thought that I’d never tried that either a couple of weeks ago not lost on me at all. “Sure, we’re fucking like rabbits…if rabbits are really quiet about things, while desperately trying to snatch moments here and there. We spend more time getting interrupted than we do actually doing anything.”
Emma rolls her eyes at me. “I think you’re doing it wrong, babe. Believe me, if I was sleeping next to that every night, there’s no way my hands wouldn’t be all over him.”
“Well that’s half the problem.” I grouse. “I’m not sleeping next to him every night. And half the times I am - Maddie is right there in the middle.”
Emma raises her eyebrows, and I sigh.
“Neither of us really knew how Maddie would react to any of this - it was always going to be a transition. But I don’t think I realized until we tried it, that she’s never slept without me in the same room. She freaks out, panics, or just plain refuses to go to bed. So at the moment, it’s only like…once a week, that she won’t end up in our bed, or that I won’t have to go to sleep with her.”
“Okay, that does suck.” Emma agrees. “But you can’t say you’ve done nothing.”
I snort, amused at her dogged ability to stay on-topic.
“No…we have done some things.” I say, and can’t resist adding a small smirk. “And I can reassure you, they’ve been very good.”
She grins, finally satisfied. Of course, I know she would be more satisfied with a little more detail - but this is me. I’ve never been particularly public about all the little details. Those are all mine.
“And when you get Maddie to sleep in her own bed - it will all be perfect.” She smiles, and reaches over to squeeze my hand. “I’m really happy for you, Leah. Honestly. And you and Alistair haven’t torn each other to pieces yet, which is always a good sign.”
I laugh again. “No, okay, maybe all those concerns I had were a little unnecessary…we’re doing good, Em. We’re all happy, and for the first time, I actually feel like we could all have a real family together.”
And it’s an almost-scary level of happiness and contentment.
If I’m honest with myself, I think I’m still holding my breath.
It’s…almost too good to be true. It doesn’t quite seem real - or it still feels like it could implode at any moment. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop - for something to happen. Something to appear to tell me that no, actually, wait, there was a mistake. That we can’t be together - that it’s against the rules to be this happy.
But that’s ridiculous, so I ignore the feeling. And with each passing day, it eases just a little.
Besides, Alistair has made it very clear that he’s not going to accept anything like that. I have no doubt now that he’ll fight for both of us until the very last breath - and that kind of devotion is…unbelievable. Breath-taking. Sexy. And scary as fuck. I almost pity anything that might try to come between us.
Not that he’s going to need to do that.
“So are you settling into a life of luxury then, hmm?” Emma’s eyes sparkle at me. “Preparing yourself for days of yoga classes, kid activities and champagne at lunch?”
I roll my eyes, knowing she’s picked an image that there’s no way I’ll identify with. But it’s a good way of making the point.
What the hell am I going to do now?
“I honestly have no idea. I haven’t thought about it - hell, I’ve barely had time to take a breath, with everything that’s happened between Alistair and I.” I frown, actually thinking about it. The same questions have started to bother me, too. “I’m taking Maddie to a kids’ group later this week - Alistair’s idea, and it’s a good one. She should get to know some other kids - she needs to make a life here too. But…I don’t know, Em. I’m not sure I know what I am anymore.”
“Over-dramatic, much?” She laughs at me, and my frown relaxes into a smile at least.
“Well, maybe. But I was a college kid, before Maddie - studying for my physiotherapy degree, with big plans. Your plans. And then I was a single Mom, just trying to get by. Now? Now I guess I don’t have to struggle anymore. And I still have Maddie. I’m still a Mom, and that’s always going to be the most important thing. But…I don’t know…I feel somewhere along the way I lost me. The part of me who wasn’t just a Mom.”
Emma looks at me for a long time, considering. And it feels good to say it, actually. Until I did, I didn’t realize just how much it had been playing on my mind. She reaches over and squeezes my hand again, and when she responds, she’s actually serious for once.
“I get that, Leah. And change…it’s always a weird thing. But it’s exciting too - a chance to work out what you want. Especially now that you’ve got whatever resources you want to make it happen—”
“I’m not sure I should be assuming Alistair’s resources are mine, Em. I mean, sure, I don’t have to worry about rent anymore, or about stuff for Maddie, but…his money…it’s not really mine.”
It’s the other thing that’s been bothering me a little. He keeps trying to set up accounts in my name, give me stuff…and I’m not sure I want it. It’s disconcerting - going from worrying about every little penny to the idea that money just doesn’t matter anymore. That it’s not even something we need to think about. Whatever we want…we can have. It’s…well, I guess some people would call it a heady sensation. But for me, it’s mostly unsettling.
Like standing at the top of a tall building, afraid of heights, and looking down at the people miles below you.
“I kind of think it is, Leah. At least if everything goes well.” She gives me a strange look, like she doesn’t get it either. “That’s how these things work - and in the meantime, whatever you want to spend of it…it’s not like he’ll notice anyway. Not to mention, he probably wants to spend it on you - especially if it’s to set up the kind of life you really want.”
I mull that over, drinking the last of my coffee.
The problem is, I’m not sure what kind of life I do want.
I say as much to Emma.
“That’s a good thing.” She grins at me. “The moment you work it out, you’re going to be chasing after it full-tilt. If I were you, I’d take a good long time to think it over. Preferably on a beach somewhere, with a few cocktails. And that smoking hot guy you’ve landed right next to you.”
I laugh at that. “A vacation does sound like a great idea right now, I’ll be honest. Hmm…maybe I’ll suggest that to Alistair.”
She smiles, and raises her coffee in my direction, and despite the sole purpose of this coffee being a distraction from whatever carnage Alistair and Maddie are causing together - I actually feel a whole lot better for it.
Sometimes I forget, in all the smart-ass jokes and inappropriate questions, that Emma is pretty good for advice too.
She’s even nice enough to oblige me with wandering around window shopping for the rest of the afternoon, purely so I don’t spend the whole of it flicking through my phone and waiting for messages.
But, even so, when I finally get a text from Alistair saying that they’re back home, and he’s bought a movie for us all tonight, the surge of relief feels overwhelming.
“You’re literally going to ditch me straight off, aren’t you?” Emma says, a knowing look in her eyes.
I’d feel guilty, but the truth is, I want nothing more than to get back to my two favorite people. My family. It still feels weird to think it, but that’s what it is.
“Yeah, I’m sorry babe. Next time we’ll talk about you, I promise. And I won’t spend all day waiting for messages. But…”
“You can’t wait to see them and hear all about their day - plus check them over for bruises and cuts, right?”
I laugh. “Yeah, maybe. It’ll be different next time. I’ll be totally au-fait with the whole thing.”
It feels silly how excited I am to go home to them. But I’m still enjoying the luxury of having a home. And having them.
“Sure you will.” She grins, then pulls me in for a tight hug.
When I get back to Alistair’s apartment, they’re both curled up on the sofa, and my heart lifts just to see them.
Alistair looks up, a gentle smile already on his face as he curls up with Maddie in his arms. She looks like she’s about to fall asleep at any moment - but otherwise, perfectly happy and in good health.
“I did it, baby.” He says. “I made it through a whole day and we’re still here. Aren’t you proud?”
I laugh at him, and come to join him on the other side of the sofa. Which is when I notice the new dress Maddie has on, and the ribbons in her hair - and the face paint. She looks adorable, I’ll give him that, but also like she’s wearing anything she might have pointed to while they were out.
He’s spoiling her so badly.
Which I’m definitely going to say something about, so our kid doesn’t end up a little monster.
And I will.
Eventually.
But for the moment…it’s impossible to mind too much. She’s had far too little of her life being spoiled or able to have anything she wants - and he’s had far too few chances to treat her. So I can’t say anything just yet. I’m enjoying seeing it too much - the way her eyes light up, and she beams and dances around. How happy she is now.
It’s about as perfect as I can imagine.
Which is probably why you still think it’s some illusion. Or that something is going to break it all.
I force that thought away, and look over at Alistair.
“I think you’ve worn her out.” I say, amused, stroking her hair as she cuddles up to her Daddy. “Why is it you always seem to do that so much better than me?”
“I think it’s because I chase her more.” He grins. “Though I think the little monster wore me out too. We were just about to start dinner, but we’re…just sitting first. Just for a few minutes.”
I smile knowingly. I won’t ask how long those few minutes have been. I’ve had more than one day I’ve fallen asleep with Maddie on the couch, entirely accidentally.
But my conversation with Emma comes back to me, and I give them both a long look, then lean in towards Alistair.
“You know…if she really does fall asleep by the end of this movie…we might be able to get her settled in her room tonight.”
His eyes flicker with a matching interest, and he chuckles lightly. “I think that was my original idea, baby - at least until she exhausted me, but now…hmm…”
I rest my hand on his back, slipping it down until it reaches the top of his jeans - he’s finally bought some appropriate clothes for child-rearing - and then sliding my fingers underneath. My voice turns breathy as I nibble his ear.
“I think I could probably find a few ways to wake you up again…”
I watch him bite back a groan, and then I get up with a smirk to start dinner. I can feel his gaze following me the whole time, and it makes me hot and eager with anticipation, my pussy already starting to feel slick at the idea. It’s the ultimate turn on to be able to feel how into me he is - how hot I make him, and the kind of passion I can draw out of him with only a few words.
It’s like riling up a powerful, unpredictable beast…and then waiting in anxious anticipation for the strike. And the pleasure that will come with it.
Emma was right - we should be fucking like rabbits. It must be a sin to have a man like that around - a guy with his physique and skills…and not take full advantage.
I look over at Maddie’s eyes flickering closed, and wonder whether we’re even going to be able to start the movie that Alistair had planned.
Somehow, I’m not the slightest bit disappointed about that.