Spring stared out the window the next morning, waiting for Shaw to wake. She saw the men carting the dead bodies from the battlefield and preparing a pyre to burn them in the field just outside the castle gate.
She and Shaw had spent the night holding each other, but she was too distracted to make love. Her mind was in a different place and she felt as if she no longer knew who she was.
“Good mornin’, Wife. And baby.” Shaw came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, placing his hands on her stomach. He kissed her on the cheek, but she didn’t kiss him in return. She just stared out the window as if in a trance.
“Let’s get somethin’ to eat in the great hall,” he whispered in her ear, kissing her once again.
“Ye go. I’m no’ hungry. I’m goin’ to stay here.”
“Ye canna hide away from Ross forever, Spring. He is a good man and ye need to talk with him. He is yer faither.”
“I ken. But I’m no’ ready.”
“Is there anythin’ I can do for ye?”
“Nay. I just need to be alone.”
“I understand.” He said the words but didn’t sound as if he meant them. He kissed her atop the head. “I want ye to ken, Spring, that I am ecstatic that we are havin’ a bairn.”
She turned and looked up into his hazel eyes. All the doubt and suspicion she’d seen there earlier was gone. Now they were soft, swirling pools of green and brown and looked happy. Very happy. “I am glad as well.”
“Are ye upset about it, lass? Or are ye questionin’ if ye want to be married to me anymore?”
“Nay.” She shook her head. “No’ at all. That is the only thing in my life I am certain of right now.”
“I love ye, Spring. Please ken that whatever happens, I’ll always love ye and our bairn.” He kissed her on the lips with one hand on her belly. She almost got lost in the kiss, reaching up and touching his cheek. Shaw was brave and strong, and the most wonderful man she’d ever met. Why couldn’t she tell him that? Why did she feel dead inside when she had the seed of a new life growing within her? What was wrong with her? She didn’t want to feel this way.
Shaw cleared his throat and stepped away. “I’ll leave ye be for now, but please dinna take too long. I dinna like seein’ ye this way.”
She didn’t answer. Instead, she turned back to watch her brothers out the window, carrying the body of Cromwell toward the blazing fire. With him would burn her past. As Cromwell Gunn, the man who’d pretended to be her father, turned to ashes, so would her life as the warrior descended from ruthless Vikings, no matter if it had been naught but a lie.
She had believed the stories and it had been real to her. Her life had been based on a lie and she had foolishly never known it. She would no longer have to raid and pillage anymore. Nay. That part of her was dead. But the innocence of that ten-year-old girl stealing the bow of a dead man at Burnt Candlemas was gone and could never be replaced.
She’d killed many men through the years. At one time, she’d been proud of it. Now, all she felt was shame. Because of what she’d been, she wasn’t sure if she could ever be anything else. But she had no choice. She would be a mother soon and would have to think about things like protecting her baby from men like Cromwell who were greedy bastards only thinking about themselves. Could she do it? And could she tell her child, someday, all the horrible things she’d done and still expect her child to love her? Never having known fear like this, she felt like nothing but a failure. She wasn’t ready to face a new life, nor did she know if she would ever be.
Shaw made his way down to the great hall, being greeted by Donel and Dearg.
“Da!” said Donel. “Vika’s faither has offered to take me back to the Gunn Clan to collect Vika and bring her back here for our weddin’. Can I go?”
Shaw felt a tightness in his throat and his jaw clenched at the notion. Dearg had been his enemy for as long as he could remember. Shaw had spent his life keeping his children away from men like Dearg. Could he trust his son in the care of this ruthless warrior? His head told him no, but his heart told him he had to do it. He looked past Dearg to see Leod and Baen standing at the entrance of the great hall listening. Leod shook his head slightly, warning him not to agree.
“Ye are a man now, Donel, and must make yer own decisions,” said Shaw. Donel was already fifteen and, by this age, boys were usually already married. Shaw had been Donel’s age when the boy was born. Donel had proven he could fight and protect himself yesterday, when he’d taken the lives of some of his enemies for the very first time, protecting men from their clan in the process.
Life was cheap in this day and time, and the mortality rate of infants was high. Donel could have very well already lived half his life for all they knew. If a child made it through infanthood at all, they could possibly live to thirty. If they were lucky enough to avoid being killed in a war or by a plague, they might even live to sixty. Shaw was already thirty and needed to start thinking of his son as a man. Donel would replace him some day and Shaw needed to know that his son was ready.
The most important thing for a man was to have heirs to carry on his legacy. His son had already seen to that before Shaw had even had time to talk to him about it. Perhaps Spring was correct in saying he was too protective of his children. He had to stop trying to keep them from dying and let them live instead.
“We have an alliance with the Gunns. I would hope that Dearg keeps his word and doesna still have the influence of Cromwell about him,” he told his son.
“Gordon, dinna forget my daughter is at stake, too,” said Dearg. “We made an alliance and I dinna plan to break it. I hope ye dinna have a change of mind either.”
“Nay,” said Shaw, reaching out and grasping Dearg by the arm. “We have an alliance and our children have brought our clans together. I wish ye both a safe journey and will be eagerly awaitin’ yer return, along with the new member of my family.”
After they had left, Shaw stood there for a second, feeling as if life was going way too fast. When did his son turn into a man? It seemed like just yesterday when Shaw was taking him for his first ride on a horse or teaching him how to fish. Donel was a strapping young lad and would make a fine husband and father. Alpina would have been proud of him. So was he.
“Da, where is Spring?” asked Colina, hurrying over with Leith following her like her shadow.
“She is in our chamber and wants to be alone,” he told her.
“Why?”
“I dinna ken.”
“I would like to go speak with her.”
“I think she might like that,” he agreed. Colina and Spring had always had a good relationship. Perhaps his daughter would be able to bring Spring out of her despondent mood.
“Me, too,” said Leith, hurrying by. Shaw reached out and grabbed him by the shoulders.
“Nay. Ye’re comin’ with me to the battlefield where we’ll help collect and burn the dead bodies.”
Leith made a face. “I dinna want to do that. Canna we make more arrows instead?”
“Yer brathair will be gone for a few days and ye’ll need to take his place at my side. Ye will be a man soon and ye need to stop actin’ like a lad.”
“I can take Donel’s place at yer side?” Leith stood up taller, seeming to like the idea. “I’m ready. Let’s go.”
“Ye go with Leod and Baen, and I’ll be there shortly. I need to speak to Ross first.”
“Aye, Faither.”
The three of them headed to the courtyard. Shaw saw Reed and Ross finishing up a meal near the fire and went to join them.
“Shaw.” Ross jumped to his feet when he saw him coming. Reed, on the other hand, continued to finish off all the food on his trencher and then started eating the trencher as well. His hawk hopped around the table next to him and he grudgingly threw the bird a few crumbs.
“Good mornin’,” said Shaw.
Reed nodded. Ross hurried over to Shaw. “Where is Spring? I had hoped to talk with her this mornin’,” said Ross.
“She’s in her room.”
“Is she doin’ better?”
Shaw shook his head. “I’m afraid no’. I dinna ken how to help her.”
“I’m goin’ to go talk with her.” Ross took a few steps toward the door, limping in the process.
“Nay, she needs a woman to talk to,” said Shaw. “Colina just went up there. Mayhap, that will help.”
“It sounds to me like she needs a mathair.” Reed picked up a tankard and took a drink.
“Ye’re absolutely right,” said Ross. He headed back and pulled the tankard from Reed’s hand. “Go get Annalyse and bring her back here anon.”
“I havena finished my meal yet,” complained Reed.
“Ye’ve eaten enough for three people. Now go,” he said. “And bring Spring’s sisters, too. Mayhap that will help. Spring is pregnant and might be confused. Talkin’ to another woman like Summer who is also pregnant, might ease her mind.”
“All right.” Reed pulled the trencher back toward him. “As soon as I’m finished.”
“Ye’re done.” Ross took the trencher and threw it to the ground for the hounds, getting a scowl from Reed who liked to eat. Even his bird let out a cry of protest. “Now, hurry, Reed. This is important. Dinna tell Annalyse we found Spring. I want to be here when she finds out.”
“I’m goin’, I’m goin’,” said Reed, holding out his arm. “Come on, Thor. We have work to do.” His hawk flew up and landed on his arm and Reed left the great hall.
“I hope yer plan works,” said Shaw, looking over to see old Nairnie watching them from the shadows. “If it doesna help to pull Spring out of the mood she is in, I dinna ken if anythin’ will.”
* * *
Spring stared out the window, seeing Leod, Baen, and Leith heading for the battlefield. Reed shot out of the great hall next with his bird on his arm and headed for the stables. Then she saw Ross emerge from the keep with Shaw. As if he knew she was watching them, Shaw stopped and looked up to her window. Their eyes met and she felt his concern. Then Ross looked over his shoulder right at her as well. She ducked back into the shadows, not wanting to face him, even this way.
A knock sounded at the door, taking her attention.
“Go away. I want to be alone,” she spat, heading over to the bed.
The door opened anyway and Colina’s head peeked through the crack. “It’s me, Spring. I’m here to talk with ye.” She came in and closed the door.
“I want to be alone,” said Spring, putting her legs up on the bed and lounging back.
“What’s the matter?” Colina sat down on the edge of the bed, not heeding her words.
“Nothin’s the matter. Now please leave.”
“I heard ye are havin’ a bairn. I’m so excited that I’ll soon have a baby brathair or sister. Will ye teach the baby to shoot a bow and arrows the way ye taught me?”
Spring didn’t want to think about that. She said nothing in return.
“I brought ye the recipe for the mushroom soup if ye want to make it today. That always makes me feel better.” She pulled out a rolled-up parchment and put it on the bed. Then she pulled something from her pocket and handed it to Spring. “Here, this might help. I found it on the table in the kitchen. I ken ye like to hold this when ye worry.” She handed her the wooden pawn.
Spring reached out for it slowly, her fingers closing around the piece. Colina smiled. Spring fingered the pawn in her palm and had almost started to feel better until she spotted Ross’ name etched into the bottom of the piece. Embarrassed by the fact she couldn’t read, she threw the pawn across the room. “I dinna want it. And I dinna want recipes, so take this back, or I’ll throw it in the fire.” She pushed the rolled-up parchment toward the girl.
Colina watched with wide eyes. “Did I do somethin’ wrong?” The girl looked like she was about to cry. Spring’s heart went out to her. She’d never meant to make the girl feel guilty. She reached out and covered Colina’s hand with hers.
“Nay, sweetheart, ye did nothin’ wrong. I’m just – upset.” Her eyes went back to the rolled-up parchment.
“Is it because ye canna read?”
“What?” She pulled her hand away from the girl quickly as if she’d been burned. “Who said that? Why would ye think such a thing?”
“I overheard my faither talkin’ to the other men.”
“He told everyone?” She felt like she wanted to crawl under a rock and hide.
“I can teach ye to read, Spring. It’s easy.” Colina unrolled the parchment and pointed to a word. “Every letter has a sound and when ye put them together, they make words. Please, let me teach ye. It can be our secret. Ye once helped me when I almost got shot collectin’ mushrooms in the woods at night. Let me return the favor by doin’ this for ye.”
Colina’s motives were pure and came from a place of love. That was a place that was foreign to Spring, but she liked the idea.
“Do ye really think I can learn?” she asked.
“Sure. Anyone can.” The girl pointed to a letter on the parchment and they started their lesson. Mayhap, Spring could change after all and didn’t need to be afraid.
“Wait one second,” she said, getting off the bed and retrieving her pawn. She came back and showed the writing on the bottom to Colina. “Let’s start here. Once we’ve covered the letters on this pawn, I’ll be able to hold it while I learn the rest.”