Hannah

 

Hannah was walking through a thick line of Christmas trees, a soft layer of snow on the ground and on the pine needles of the trees that surrounded her. She was only dressed in a white nightgown, but amazingly she didn’t feel cold, not even a single shiver despite the bareness of her legs and arms. Hannah turned her head to look behind her, but it was just an endless line of trees, stretching as far as the edge of the horizon.

 

How did I get here? Hannah asked herself. She even stared down at the ground, searching for some kind of sewer or subway grate that could have allowed to her to climb up from under the earth. But she couldn’t see anything, and she couldn’t remember driving here. I must have walked, she thought. But her legs ached only with the desire to keep moving, a giant itch that demanded to be scratched. So she obeyed it, continuing to move slowly forward through the thick layer of snow on the ground, leaving deep footprints in her wake.

 

As she kept walking, eventually she began to notice a spot ahead of her where the trees thinned. An opening of empty air. There must be a clearing in the forest, Hannah thought. Her legs immediately broke into an all-out run, her muscles pumping hard to get nearer to the opening in front of her. But it never got any closer. Am I running in place? Hannah wondered, but then she noticed that the trees were moving around her, changing as she moved faster and faster. It was just that the hole of light in the distance remained the same, totally unreachable.

 

Her lungs finally gave out, forcing her to stop running and bend over, gasping for air. She stared down at the muddy snow on her feet, slowly melting into separate pools of ice-sludge on her toes. The atmosphere must have been heating up as the snow slowly shrunk back into the ground. Christmas is almost over, she thought. No more time for miracles.

 

When she looked back up again, Evan was standing in front of her, a sly smirk on his face. For a second she just stared at him, examining him from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, as if he were an alien creature sent to distract or destroy her. But…she knew those arms. She knew those hands, those beautiful, innately crafted, guilty hands. There was no doubting it, not when the sensation of how it felt to be touched by those hands rocketed through her brain again, all her old retired pleasure centers lighting up in joy as she stared at his fingers.

 

“Evan!” Hannah yelled, running forward again to throw herself into his arms. “Evan!”

 

“Yeah, baby,” he whispered into her hair, wrapping his arms around her shoulders tightly. “It’s me.”

 

“It is, it is, I knew it, I knew it was you,” Hannah gasped into his chest, screwing her eyes as tightly as she could to keep tears in their rightful place. “You’re—you’re fucking here, you’re here—”

 

“Are you okay?” Evan whispered, dropping gentle little kisses against the top of her head.

 

“Yes, yes, I’m so happy, I’m so…” Hannah shook her head, incapable of coming up with the right words to say. There was no language that could sum up how she felt in this moment.

 

“No, I meant—in general, are you okay? Like, in life?”

 

“I am now,” Hannah said quickly. “The rest doesn’t matter. Not anymore.”

 

There was a long pause, but Hannah could tell that something was wrong. Evan had gone tense and stiff in her arms. She extricated her head from Evan’s arms and tilted her face up to look into his eyes, wordlessly asking him what was wrong.

 

“I’m going to go soon,” Evan said, his fingers ghosting over the sensitive skin of Hannah’s cheek.

 

“What? No!” Hannah protested, the words hitting her like sharp rocks. “You just got here. I’m not letting you go.” She reached forward and pressed hard against his back, pulling him into a deeper hug.

 

“I have to,” Evan whispered into her ear before pulling back a little to look her in the eyes. “If I had a choice, don’t you think I’d stay?”

 

Hannah was quiet a moment, and she knew she was probably pouting, but she didn’t care. It was exhausting being fucking mature all the time. She was done with it, at least for the moment. She wasn’t going to make herself easy to abandon yet again. She was going to put up a fight. “I don’t know,” she finally answered. “I don’t know what you want to do. What you need to do.”

 

Evan cradled the side of her face, thumb running up and down her cheek. “You know me. Trust me. I’m doing this for both of us.”

 

Hannah groaned and stomped her feet, feeling like she was a five-year-old girl again. “Okay. Okay!”

 

Evan smiled sadly as he leaned in again, pressing her head under his chin for a moment as he rocked them back and forth, as if they were dancing instead of saying goodbye.

 

“I’ll always love you,” Evan whispered as he kissed her cheek. “Even though I’m dead, I still love you.”

 

“Don’t say that!” Hannah snapped. “You’re not dead. You’re just hiding from me.”

 

“So come find me,” Evan said casually, as if it was the easiest, most obvious answer in the world. And then, he was gone, disappearing into thin air without even a trace. But if she inhaled deeply she could detect his scent, as if he was still somewhere in the forest, just hiding from her.

 

She couldn’t go search for him, could she? She had to things to do, a baby to raise. She couldn’t, right? She couldn’t—

 

Hannah woke with a start, reaching over to the bedside table out of habit to grip onto the frying pan. She had a gun under the bed, fully loaded, but the frying pan comforted her more, felt more familiar within her tight fist. It was really the only connection left to her old life, to her fucked-up childhood and the fucked-up relationship that had followed it. It had kept her safe in the past; it was the only thing Hannah trusted to protect her now.

 

But after a few more seconds, she slowly put the frying pan down on the bed and let it loose from her grip. There was nobody and nothing there in her dark bedroom. Hannah groaned and buried her sweaty forehead in her hands, pushing her hair out of her face and breathing hard. In. Out. In. Out. It was such a simple pattern to remember, inhaling and exhaling slowly, but it still took all of her concentration to keep at it until her heart rate calmed down.

 

In all these months, she’d never once dreamed about him until now. Maybe it was the season, seeing Christmas stuff everywhere again, that was to blame for this shit. Her subconscious must have been thinking about him without even realizing it, simmering under the surface until it reared its ugly head in her dreams.

 

Or maybe something happened, she couldn’t help but think. And my brain is finally catching on to it.

 

Hannah shook her head at herself and got up out of bed. Maybe if she moved around a little bit her brain would shut the fuck up. She paced back and forth across her bedroom, from the window to the door and back again. What if he’s dead? Hannah’s inner voice persisted, practically shaking her by the shoulders to get her attention. Shut up, she tried to shout back. Shut up shut up shut up. There’s nothing I can do so what’s the point in torturing myself?

 

What if he’s not dead? What if he’s alive, and well, and he’s just gone? What if he’s out in there in the world, on some other beach, with some other woman? Or what if he’s hurt, in a gutter, with nobody to take care of him? What if what if what if—

 

“Mama? Mama? Mama?” Alex’s muffled voice pulled her out of her self-flagellation session.

 

“Hold on, I’m coming,” Hannah called back, grabbing her bathrobe and slipping it on over the underwear she slept in.

 

Hannah rushed to the door and walked out into the hallway, flipping on the light to reveal Alex stumbling in her direction.

 

“What’s wrong, darling?” she said, kneeling down on the floor and reaching her arms.

 

He mumbled something against her robe, but she couldn’t quite make it out. She ran her fingers through his adorable little curls, scratching his scalp to help him calm down.

 

“Bad dream, Mama,” Alex finally said loudly and clearly enough for Hannah to understand.

 

Fear struck Hannah’s heart, reverberating through her entire body like a gong had been struck. “What was your dream?”

 

“Bad…bad man,” Alex mumbled, rubbing his face against her chest in an attempt to comfort himself.

 

Hannah swallowed hard. Was it possible? Had they dreamed the same thing?

 

“Who was the bad man, baby? Do you remember?” Hannah asked, all of the hairs on the back of her neck standing up in anxiety and anticipation.

 

“No….” Alex said, sniffling a little.

 

Hannah sighed and nodded to herself. That was good, at the very least, that Alex didn’t remember everything that happened a year before. But she knew it was just as likely that he was dreaming about Salvatore, who’d done so much to hurt Alex in such a little space of time. Hannah had hoped that it had happened too early to set in and scar Alex for life, but there were probably some effects still, even if he never remembered it.

 

“It’s not real, sweetie,” she said to comfort him, rubbing his back to soothe his nerves. “It’s just a dream. Nothing can hurt you, darling. You’re safe. You’re safe.”

 

Alex sniffled again and cuddled her harder, making Hannah’s heart warm up in her chest. She was so lucky that she still had this beautiful boy in her life. He made everything worth it, despite all the pain, despite all the loss. She still had her son. That was what mattered.

 

“Let’s go to the beach tomorrow, huh?” Hannah said, leaning in to drop a kiss on Alex’s nose. “We’ll have fun.”

 

He nodded and smiled, that glint of mischief in his eyes popping up as he started babbling about the beach. Hannah chuckled and lifted him into her arms, taking him back to his bed in the other room of their apartment. “Bed first, baby doll. Sleepy time first.” She tucked Alex back in his bed and checked that the sound monitor was switched on before returning to her room and shuffling back under the blankets.

 

“It’s not real,” she whispered out loud to herself, rubbing her own temples and practicing slow rhythmic breathing. “It’s not real. It’s just a dream. Just a dream.”

 

But even still, she slept with a hand on the handle of the frying pan, ready to fight off whatever demons might come to haunt her in the middle of the night.

 

***

 

The water was warm somehow. That was the thing that Hannah couldn’t get over. She kept her feet in the water while Alex got his hands dirty in the thick sand on the shore.

 

“Be careful, Jeff-Jeff,” she said to him, keeping one eye peeled to make sure that he didn’t go off walking into the water. But he was a well-behaved kid. He had calmed down a lot in the past year. Maybe because for once in his life he was surrounded by peace and quiet. Belize had given them that, a way to power down and collect themselves. I am a different person now, Hannah thought. Belize had made her someone softer, calmer, even friendlier. It was like the early wrinkles of worry had sunken back inside her skin, and it was because of days like this, days when she could just let the waves crash over her legs, burying her deep in the sand.

 

“Aren’t you cold?” a male voice behind her said. Hannah just smiled and shut her eyes as she bent her neck back to let more warmth from the sunlight hit her skin.

 

“Not at all!” she answered back. In the back of her mind, there was still that little thread of doubt—could it be one of Salvatore’s men?—but she was starting to get used to tourists hitting on her. It was no longer scary, just a little uncomfortable. She wished she could just bathe in the water, letting anybody and everybody admire how brave she was, how comfortable she’d become in her body, but she had to open her eyes to check on Alex. She sighed and flicked her eyes open, her vision landing on the silhouette of the man who’d spoken to her.

 

It can’t be….she told herself. There’s no way.

 

She cleared her throat and tore her eyes away, turning her head to check that Alex was still on the sand next to her. She stared at him for a long moment, waiting for the shadowy man before her to walk away. But he didn’t. He just stood there, the dark edges of his shadow still apparent in her peripheral vision.

 

Now more than ever Hannah wished she had her frying pan on her, ready to protect her instead of waiting for her at home next to her bed. This has to be a trick. A mirage. Something Salvatore made up to hurt me, she thought. How will we get out of here? It’s still pretty public. I could scream. That could give me a head start if I need to run.

 

But she turned her head back to face the man, blinking until his face came into focus. And if this was a trick, there was no way she wasn’t going to fall for it. Because there was Evan in front of her, that same self-satisfied smirk on his face.

 

She felt her jaw fall open, and she shut her eyes and opened them up again several times in quick succession, trying to make the perfect hallucination go away. But it was there. It was real. He was real.

 

Hannah slowly got to her feet, brushing off the excess sand that stuck to her arms and legs and back, stretching to her toes to stand level with the man in front of her. She expected him to say something, but he just stared back at her, the smile slipping off his face slowly.

 

“Are you here? Is it real?” she finally whispered after several long silent moments, her throat aching painfully, like she hadn’t spoken anything in a year.

 

Evan nodded, and he gave a half-smile now, sweet and genuine. “I’m here,” he said softly.

 

Hannah stepped forward, reaching her hands out to brush against the hem of Evan’s jacket, her fingers trembling with the contact. “Prove it,” she whispered.

 

“Just look at me,” he whispered back. Evan then moved forward slowly, wrapping his arm around her back. Hannah gasped a little and fell back into his arms, giving her weight to him. She just knew that he would catch her. Evan used one hand to tip her chin upward and make her meet his eyes. “That’s my girl,” he murmured.

 

Their breath mingled together in the short little space between their mouths. Hannah wanted nothing more than to move forward and crash their lips together into a kiss that would never end. But she still wasn’t sure this was real. She dragged her hand over the jagged edge of his jawline and found some scars she didn’t recognize.

 

“Are you okay? Did it—did it go all right?” she whispered, hurriedly looking around to make sure there were no suspicious figures watching them from the beach.

 

Evan smiled again, but it was softer, more private, like it had a meaning that Hannah didn’t understand yet. “Yeah, yeah, it’s fine. I’m fine.”

 

“Did you—all of them? All of…his guys?” Hannah asked in as low a voice as possible, hoping the rush of the ocean’s waves would cover her voice to any bystanders’ ears.

 

Evan nodded slowly and slipped his fingers gently through her damp hair. “Yeah, baby. Yeah.”

 

A thousand questions popped up into Hannah’s head all at once. How many did he kill? How hard was it? Was everybody gone, or did he leave survivors to spread the word? Was he injured? Why didn’t he come faster? And above all else: Are we safe? Hannah wanted to ask. Are we safe? Are we safe? And am I still your baby, really? Am I yours?

 

“We should—we should get inside, get to my apartment. It’s too dangerous out here, it’s too—” Hannah tore herself out of Evan’s arms and reached down for Alex’s hand and to scoop up his beach toys with her other hand.

 

“It’s okay, we can talk, we can sit on the beach,” Evan argued, leaning over Hannah’s arm to smile down at Alex.

 

“No, no, we need to get…” Hannah trailed off, putting all of her energy in moving her feet as quickly across the thick sand as possible before somebody on the beach noticed them.

 

Evan reached for her shoulder and pulled her until she came to a stop. “Wait, just hold on,” Evan told her, pulling at her shoulder until she turned back around to face him and the ocean.

 

“Just, stop. Let me talk to you,” he whispered, rubbing the side of her hair gently.

 

“I would really feel a lot more comfortable if we talked inside, okay?” Hannah hissed under her breath, gesturing to the open space around them.

 

Evan frowned a little, but then he nodded a second later. “Okay, but let’s walk, not run, all right? I promise you that everything is fine.”

 

Hannah just shook her head, feeling beads of sweat travel down from her neckline. “Walk quickly, okay? I only live a minute away from here, so we can get inside fast.”

 

She quickly scaled the rest of the beach, scooping up Alex, jumping up onto the sidewalk and power-walking as briskly as she could without attracting unwanted attention. At some point Evan grabbed onto her hand, probably trying to slow down her pace, but Hannah just dragged him along, carrying both of the boys forward to her apartment and practically knocking down the door in her hurry to get inside.

 

Hannah placed Alex down on the couch and turned to the door to lock it up and push the several latches into place so that anybody trying to break in would have to make tons of noise, giving them an opportunity to get away if necessary. “All right,” she said as she turned back to Evan, panting a little from the rapidity of her walk back home. She realized now that she had no idea what to say. How do you break the ice after almost a full year apart? “How…how are you?” she asked, her voice shaky and stuttering.

 

“I’m amazing,” Evan said with a smile, stepping forward to encase Hannah in his arms, pulling her tight against him. Hannah still felt a little awkward and stiff, some paranoid voice in her head still insisting that this was a trick, that he’d been sent by Salvatore’s men to make her let her guard down. She’d never completely rested in over a year now, constantly waiting for a sign from one of Salvatore’s old guards or business associates with a bone to pick. And now, with Evan showing up out of nowhere, she couldn’t help but wonder how he’d found her. And did he bring anyone else with him?

 

“How long have you been in Belize?” she asked Evan, looking up into his glassy dark eyes.

 

“Exactly long enough,” Evan murmured, leaning in to kiss her on the top of the head. Hannah felt tingles shiver down her body starting from the skin his lips touched, all the way down to her toes. She wanted so badly just to melt into him, just to trust that everything had worked out perfectly, but her mind resisted with all of its considerable might, pushing back against the idea that they could possibly be safe.

 

“I’m sorry, I can’t, I got to—” Hannah cut herself off, extricating her body from Evan’s arms. The frown on Evan’s face sent a shot of pain straight to Hannah’s stomach, but she did her best to ignore it and walk off to the kitchen area, putting space between their bodies. She just didn’t trust herself enough around him yet to let her guard down. “I’m going to make myself a drink. You want one?”

 

“Sure,” Evan replied. “That’ll be my first one in a long time. A real long time.”

 

“You a lightweight?” Hannah asked, genuinely curious as she poured out shots of vodka into paper cups. She felt like she knew Evan so well, knew all of the dark crevices of his soul, but there were so many little details about him that she never had the opportunity to learn.

 

“I might be now,” Evan said, following her over to the kitchen to watch her make the drinks. “You’ll take care of me, won’t you? If I get sick?”

 

His voice was teasing, but the words hit Hannah hard. “I—I—” She cut herself off, tearing her eyes off of Evan to refocus on the floor, her cheeks reddening with embarrassment and shyness. “Of course I would,” she finally answered honestly, but her voice dropped down to a whisper. She had never felt this nervous around Evan, or around any man for that matter. But her hands were shaking and her blood was rushing, and she could no longer tell if she was scared of hypothetical hitmen preparing to burst through the front door or if she was more terrified of the flesh-and-blood man in front of her.

 

“What’s wrong?” Evan whispered.

 

“N-nothing,” Hannah stuttered in response, handing over Evan’s cup. “Drink up.”

 

Evan did what she said, drinking deep until he gagged a little. Hannah did the same, practically draining her drink despite the bitter taste of the vodka against her tongue.

 

“I’m nervous that…that someone might have followed you. It’s not that I’m not happy to see you…”

 

“Really? ‘Cause it kind of seems like you think it’d be better if I never showed up,” Evan said, a little edge of sharpness to his tone.

 

Hannah cringed at the implication, feeling all of her insides shrivel up in shame. “That’s not true at all,” she said softly. It was like she couldn’t quite access her anger, like it was buried between foot after foot after foot of solid rock that she’d erected to protect herself in the months that had elapsed since she’d last seen Evan.

 

She saw Evan bite down on his bottom lip, rubbing his forehead as his brows furrowed up. “I’m sorry. That was unfair.”

 

“Yeah, it was,” Hannah said bluntly, her old capacity to fire back quips at him slowly returning to her. “That’s not the case, not at all. I…I’ve waited for this moment for….well, forever,” she said honestly, the bitterness seeping back out of her voice as quickly as it had arrived.

 

“Yeah?” Evan prompted her, tearing his eyes away from the floor to meet hers. God, he’s so beautiful, Hannah thought, soaking in all the details of his body from the top of his head to the bottom of his shoes. It was like she had mentally reconstructed him. He looked so perfect, so fucking undamaged. It couldn’t be real, could it? Am I still hallucinating? Am I still dreaming? Did I never wake up? Do I even want to?

 

Hannah downed the rest of her drink and poured out another one, giving herself more this time. “You’re really late, you know,” she said, walking closer to Evan until barely a foot of space separated their bodies.

 

“Am I?” Evan asked, and his voice was half-serious, half-teasing. Hannah didn’t know which half to focus on.

 

“Yeah,” she answered, keeping her tone subtle and soft. “You were supposed to be here hours ago.”

 

“What do you mean?” Evan asked, now obviously confused as he stepped forward, once again narrowing the space between them.

 

“I, um, I—” Hannah sighed deeply and stared down hard at her feet, wishing she could click her heels together and teleport away from this situation. Why did she feel so vulnerable yet again? Why was she so scared of the man who’d saved her? Had she really acclimated to being alone so quickly? “I, um, I dreamed about you last night. That’s all.”

 

Evan immediately grinned, his entire face lighting up like the brightest bulb imaginable. “What was it about?” he asked, stepping a little closer still to Hannah’s body.

 

“I, uh, I…” Hannah trailed off, feeling her heart pound in her ears, as if she was about to spill a scandalous secret that should have never been spoken. “I, um, I have to check on Alex,” she quickly said as an excuse, moving away from Evan yet again as she walked back around to the couch with her drink, seeing Alex passed out on the cushions, tired from the beach.

 

“Angel,” Evan said softly behind her after following her back into the living area. “Him, I mean,” he said as soon as Hannah sent him a questioning look. “He’s the sweetest kid. I can’t believe he’s walking now.”

 

“Do you want to—do you want to take him to bed?” Hannah asked softly, a little afraid that Evan was going to reject her. But instead he nodded and smiled softly, reaching forward to take the sleeping Alex into his arms. “I’ll show you where the bedroom is,” she said as she began to walk back to this room.

 

Hannah watched as Evan tucked Alex into his covers, stroking his cheek lightly as he pulled the blanket up to his chin, humming a little as he leaned back just to watch him sleep. “Beautiful,” Evan whispered, and Hannah smiled widely to herself. She knew he meant to say it so that she couldn’t hear, just a private observation between Evan and Alex. And that made it mean so much more to her—that he loved her child so deeply.

 

Her eyes prickled a little, tears threatening to make their presence known. Hannah quickly dabbed at her eyes, making the moisture disappear before Evan could notice. She had cried more in front of Evan than she had in all the time that she hadn’t known him. It was annoying, how easy he seemed to find it to push her buttons and turn her into an emotional mess. But she couldn’t deny: he still had that power over her.

 

Evan finally got up and gestured back out the bedroom door. Once again Hannah checked to make sure the sound monitors were all connected and functioning before leaving the room, leaving the door cracked behind her as they walked back out into the living room.

 

Hannah, still holding onto her drink, slipped past the couches and television and went back into the kitchen, right across from the vodka bottle in case she needed more later. She leaned against the counters, stretching out her body so that it looked long and lithe.

 

“Whatcha want to do now?” she asked Evan teasingly as she took another deep sip of her drink. Her tone had immediately changed, her body buzzing with a need that she couldn’t exactly identify. It took her a second to put her finger on it, until Evan looked at her up and down, clearly surveying all the easily missed details of her body while he had the chance. She realized what it was, then. I wouldn’t mind getting fucked until I scream, she thought. Until all my thoughts go away and it’s just warm blank static wrapped around my whole body.

 

“I want to hear more about you,” Evan said, surprising her. She had half-expected him to immediately launch himself onto her body, dig into every inch with his nails until sinking inside with his cock. But no, instead he just leaned against the counter opposite her, staring her directly in the eyes, almost unnervingly deeply. “What have you been doing?”

 

Hannah crossed her arms across her chest, trying to protect herself a little bit from his piercing gaze. “You know. Working. Got a job doing accounts for a business around here. Keeps the lights on.”

 

“You like it?” Evan asked.

 

“It’s honest work,” Hannah replied. “That’s all that matters to me, at least for now.” She had spent far too much time in her life doing crime or witnessing crime or having crime done to her. She was sick of it. Anything legal was a welcome relief.

 

“And Alex? He’s been okay, he’s been developing…” Evan trailed off, like he didn’t know any of the proper terminology for early childhood development.

 

Hannah nodded and smiled encouragingly, feeling like a kindergarten teacher giving a progress report to a young dad. “Yeah, he’s great. Very healthy. I’ve been able to take him to the doctor and there’s no…there’s no sign that anything went wrong, with Salvatore, you know,” she said, referencing both the time that Salvatore hit Alex and the incident in which he was left out in the cold despite his fever. God, Hannah could still feel anger boil up in her belly like a stew at the mere thought of Salvatore. That fucker had gotten off so easy, relative to everything he’d done. But he was gone. She didn’t have to be afraid of him anymore, and Alex didn’t even have to know his name. All thanks to Evan.

 

“That’s good,” Evan said softly. He wasn’t smiling. Instead there was an expression of deep contemplation, some silent secret thoughts clearly rocketing through his brain, his entire consciousness lost inside his own mind.

 

Hannah used the opportunity to finish her own drink and walk over to Evan’s side of the kitchen and examine his. He was doing all right, but he needed a little refill, so she filled up both of their cups to the rim and took her drink back, sipping on it slowly, as her body already felt warm with inebriation.

 

“And you? Are you healthy?” Evan asked her after a minute, turning to look her in the eyes.

 

“Boy, is that ever a loaded fucking question,” Hannah said with a laugh, trying to play it off as a joke despite the way her insides clenched up in response to his words.

 

“Are you?” Evan persisted, his eyes still and unblinking as he stared at her.

 

Hannah felt the smile leak off her face, in slow little drips until there was nothing left. “I don’t even know what that means,” she said with a sigh. She didn’t have the energy to lie right now, not to him. Not to Evan. What was the point? He’d be able to tell anyway.

 

“So that’s a no, then,” Evan replied, stepping closer to her but not touching her again. Hannah backed up anyway until her hips hit the kitchen drawers behind her back.

 

“Listen, I’m fine. I’ve been totally fine. I’ve just been…waiting.”

 

“For?” Evan prompted her, stepping a little closer until he invaded Hannah’s space a little.

 

Hannah huffed out a laugh, but it was humorless and bitter. “What do you think?” she asked.

 

“For me?” Evan suggested, stepping closer and wrapping his hand around her face, causing Hannah to close her eyes again, shutting them against the burning white truth hidden in Evan’s eyes. It was too fucking intense, looking at him like this with nothing in the way, nothing to prevent them from being honest with each other, from being vulnerable. From being open and true.

 

“Yes,” Hannah whispered, the word burning her like a missile as it left her mouth. “Yes, I’ve been waiting for you. Every day, every fucking—every goddamned hour, I was waiting for you. Hoping to see you show up. Hoping for a postcard or—or—or anything, anything at all. I just needed something, Evan, some sign that you were still here. But instead I’ve just assumed that you were…that you were gone, one way or another. That you’d left the planet or left…left me, left me for some other, better life. All I could do was wait. And now you show up and I’m supposed to just be ready for it? What do you expect from me, Evan? What do you want?”

 

Evan swallowed, his throat working visibly as Hannah opened her eyes to face him, the desire to be brave always overcoming all else. “I want you,” Evan said, stroking the side of her face. “I want you to be with me. That’s all I want. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Is that…is that asking too much?”

 

Hannah shook her head, unsure of what to say. “Of course not. Of course. No. I just—I just don’t know what I’m able to give you. I feel like I’ve withered away into nothing this past year, with nothing but Alex to keep me afloat.”

 

Evan took her hand into his, lifting it up to press it against his mouth, applying a sweet open-mouthed kiss to her skin, practically lighting it on fire with pure sensation. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You had to be alone, and it was worse than what I had to do, hard as that was. You had to hold yourself together for your son, all by yourself, waiting on edge the whole time without being able to do anything about it,” he said slowly but confidently.

 

“Yeah,” Hannah said in response, feeling all of the air leave her body like a balloon deflating as she took his words in.

 

“What was your dream? From before, the one you obviously don’t want to tell me about?” he asked. Hannah was surprised. Once again he caught her with her shields down, and her face must have betrayed her feelings, as he leaned in again and brushed his thumb along the furrow between her brows. “Just relax. Tell me.”

 

Hannah blew out her breath all at once. “You were here, or, well, not here, but with me. Alex wasn’t there. I don’t know where he was in the dream.” She sniffled a little and wiped at the side of her mouth in between sentences. “We were just…in a forest somewhere, I guess. And you were there. You popped up out of nowhere and…I’d never dreamed that before, so it was hard for me to tell, you know, it was hard for me to tell that it wasn’t real. Especially because…” Hannah sighed again and trailed off, focusing on her drink for the time being.

 

“Because?” Evan prompted her, his face wide and curious, like he desperately needed to hear the end of the story.

 

Hannah shrugged, trying to fake a casual vibe despite the fact that her heart was once again pounding painfully in her chest. “You were dead, I think. That’s all. It was like you came by to tell me you were going, you know, going away for real. For good.” She shrugged again, but she had a sense judging from Evan’s concerned face that it wasn’t a very convincing gesture.

 

“I’m not dead,” Evan said softly, picking up his drink but not yet taking a sip.

 

“I know that now,” Hannah said with a short, punctuated laugh. She tipped her cup up to pour half of the vodka down her throat, the sick burn of the liquid grounding her, giving her something to focus on rather than the mental pain of this godforsaken conversation.

 

There was nothing to be gained here, Hannah felt. It was like Evan was squeezing at her barely-closed wounds, trying to extract more blood from her even though she’d been dripping all year without him. Anger simmered deep in her gut, her stomach acid gurgling with it—although maybe the alcohol she’d guzzled down in the last few minutes had something to do with that. But still. There was some injustice happening here, Hannah was sure of it. She felt like Evan was a ghost, sitting here teasing her and making her spill all of her secret feelings with no real promise that he wasn’t about to disappear yet again.

 

“Do you?” Evan asked in a barely audible voice. He was still just holding his drink, staring down into it as if he was addressing the alcohol instead of Hannah. “Do you know that now? Because it feels like…like you don’t even know I’m here.”

 

Hannah groaned a little and slammed her now-empty cup back down on the counter. “What do you expect from me? I’m exhausted, Evan. I don’t have the energy to be happy that you’re back yet. Is that okay? Does that make any sense to you? I’m fucking…I don’t even know if you’re going to be here tomorrow. So what’s the point in letting my guard down if you’re just going to go off again?”

 

Evan was silent a moment, his thumb skimming over the rim of his cup. “You were mad at me for leaving. You’re still mad at me,” he murmured softly a moment later.

 

Hannah scoffed a little, but a column of heat started building at the back of her neck, sliding down her back until her entire body felt flushed. “Why would I be mad at you? You did what you had to do.” It was true. Evan didn’t leave her for shits and giggles. There was a job to do, and he went off to do it. It would be ridiculously unfair for Hannah to hold that against him. Wouldn’t it?

 

Evan nodded a little in agreement, but then he opened his mouth to reply. “You’re fucking pissed at me, and you’re pissed at yourself for being pissed. That’s right, isn’t it?”

 

Hannah could have sworn her bones started shaking underneath her skin. She didn’t know if she was angry or nervous or something else entirely. “I don’t—that’s stupid, I didn’t—” She cut herself off, sighing deeply and marching back over to the other counter to pour herself more vodka. “That’s dumb,” she said, but it wasn’t very convincing, not even to herself.

 

“You were alone for a whole year,” Evan said. “It makes sense that you’d be—”

 

Hannah cut him off then, interrupting him even though his mouth was still hanging open. “No, no, that doesn’t make any sense. I’ve been alone my whole goddamned life. What’s the difference, adding one more year to the list?”

 

“Exactly,” Evan said. “So you tell yourself it shouldn’t bother you, because you’re so used to it. But it does bother you, doesn’t it, baby?” His voice dropped on the last word, becoming impossibly softer, almost fragile sounding. Hannah swallowed hard around another mouthful of liquor, needing something else to focus on other than the gorgeous breathless way Evan was talking to her. It was making her knees shaky, her legs going weak and wobbly. Don’t be a little schoolgirl. Be tough. Be strong, she coached herself, but the inner voice that usually bossed Hannah around sounded weaker, smaller now.

 

Evan continued while Hannah sipped on her drink. “You’re so used to being by yourself, taking care of yourself and Alex. You don’t want to depend on anybody.”

 

“I don’t depend on anybody,” Hannah retorted, feeling weirdly defensive and on edge.

 

“But isn’t it tempting?” Evan said. “Wouldn’t it feel so fucking good, to just sink back and let someone take care of you, for once?” He put his drink down on the counter behind him and crossed the space in between their bodies, leaving an inch between his mouth and Hannah’s.

 

“How did you get so smart?” Hannah said with a humorless laugh, ducking her head to avoid Evan’s piercing gaze. She felt exposed, completely naked to Evan’s eyes, and not in a fun way.

 

“Lot of time spent thinking in between hits,” Evan said. “Lot of time thinking about you,” he replied.

 

Hannah felt her breathing start to get more rapid, and her chest was rising and falling so quickly that Evan could probably tell. There’s no hiding from him, she thought. He knows me. He knows my deepest fears and my most shameful desires. And he…he accepts it? Hannah furrowed her brow, her entire brain flexing in an attempt to disentangle her thoughts and feelings. But Evan distracted her yet again, stepping even closer, until their chests touched. Hannah felt like she could detect Evan’s heartbeat even through the fabric of his shirt. It’s going as fast as mine, she thought. He’s as scared as me.

 

“You need to let me…let me look after you. Let me help you realize it’s real, that I’m not going away. That you can depend on me,” Evan said, taking the drink from Hannah’s hand and placing it down on the counter next to her.

 

“How…I don’t even know how to do that,” Hannah whispered, her fingers itching to reach out and take her drink back. She needed something to hold onto. She needed something to touch. A second later, without her brain’s permission, one of her hands moved forward and brushed against Evan’s chest, one, two, three times, as light and soft as a feather.

 

“I’ll help you,” Evan whispered, leaning in to kiss the top of her head again. “You just relax. You just hand things over to me, and I’ll help you get to where you need to go.”

 

“How do we start?” Hannah asked breathlessly, finally tilting her head up to stare into Evan’s eyes. God, he was still so perfect. So gorgeous. She pressed her hands harder against his chest, wanting to feel those old muscles against her body again.

 

“How about a massage?”

 

Hannah must have looked dubious, because Evan’s expression immediately turned to worry. “No, no, I don’t mean…I’m not trying to fuck you, Hannah,” he rushed to say. “I just want to help you relax.”

 

She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face at that. It wasn’t like she’d be opposed to it if he wanted to fuck her. In fact, that honestly sounded like the safest option, the action that would most allow her to turn her brain off and stop overthinking everything. But maybe it was the braver thing, the stronger thing to be touched gently, to be vulnerable and soft. Hannah would give it a shot at least.

 

“Okay, um, I guess I can lie down on the couch,” Hannah said, quickly walking over to the living room and sitting down. “What next?”

 

“Take your top off,” Evan directed. “It’s not a sex thing, I promise. I just want to be able to get to touch you more. Bra off, too.”

 

Hannah blushed but nodded. “I’m gonna just, um, face this way,” Hannah said, turning to face the opposite side of the room so that her back was to Evan. She quickly slipped her cover-up and bathing suit top off, hunching over with her arms crossed to make sure her breasts were covered despite the fact that Evan was on the entirely opposite side of her body.

 

“Now lay down,” he directed her, and she did as she was told, pressing her face into the throw pillow on top of the couch cushions.

 

She heard Evan sigh then, long and low and deep. “So exquisite,” he whispered, as if he were admiring a work of art. Hannah felt tingles run down her spine, traveling out to her arms and legs, making all of her tiny little hairs stand up, like they were just begging to be touched and petted and rubbed.

 

A second later she yelped a little as Evan sat down on top of her, straddling her lower back and ass with his legs. He breathed deeply before placing his hands at the base of her neck, digging his fingers gently into her skin.

 

“You don’t know how to relax,” Evan said softly before moving his hands to her shoulders and massaging them in slow, deliberate circles. “It’s okay,” he said, dropping his voice to a whisper as he slid his lips along her neck, causing goosebumps to pop up all at once. “It makes sense. You’ve never had the chance to be happy before, so you don’t know how to do it. But I can help you.”

 

“How do you know?” Hannah whispered, doubt clogging up her chest despite the warmth that she felt at Evan’s words, not to mention the feeling of his breath hitting the back of her neck.

 

“I know you,” Evan whispered, licking the back of her earlobe, causing her to cry out embarrassingly loudly and smack her palm over her mouth to keep from moaning any louder. “I know what you can do. You’re strong enough to do this.”

 

“What? To do nothing?” she asked, laughing at the end of her sarcastic question.

 

But Evan answered her by rolling his fingers deep into the concaves around her collarbone and pressing down until she moaned again. “Yes. I’m serious. What could possibly be harder for you, what could you have less practice at than just…relaxing?” He skimmed his teeth along the skin of Hannah’s neck, teasing it before tending to it with his tongue. “What could be more difficult for you than just trusting me to take care of you? I know, baby. It’s hard. But just give me a chance. I’ll make it worth it.”

 

Hannah exhaled heavily, trying to get all of her muscles to turn to goo under Evan’s hands. It didn’t exactly work like that. No matter how hard she flexed her fingers and toes and other muscles, she couldn’t get the tension to leave her body. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Evan was saying behind her, and she exhaled deeply, trying as hard as she could to believe his words.

 

Evan dragged his nails down her bare back, smoothing over her shoulder blades and following her spinal cord down to the dimples above her clothed bottom. Hannah moaned out softly as he dug his fingers into the base of her spinal column, massaging the outline of her tailbone with the perfect amount of pressure. Next, he pressed the bases of his palms into her back, dragging them up and down her sides until she unclenched her core. “Jesus,” she mumbled under her breath, practically drooling all over the pillow under her head. “Where’d you learn to do this?”

 

“Took time,” Evan whispered, leaning over her torso again to drag his tongue along her hairline, causing her to cry out embarrassingly sharply and loudly. “Everything takes time. Everything that’s worth it.”

 

The implication of his words was not lost on her. He was telling her the wait was worth it. They were together now. They’d paid their dues. Maybe he’s right, Hannah let herself think, her inner voice tentative and hesitant. Maybe the universe has seen our hard work and will give us a chance. Maybe the bad times are over. Maybe now I can just relax. Maybe I can be weak.

 

In the past, Hannah would have considered those thoughts practically blasphemous, as they went against everything she’d taught herself in order to stay alive in a world that was cold and uncaring and cruel. But with Evan’s fingers on her back, digging into her muscles until all of the tension just melted away, she couldn’t fight it anymore. It was too strong, the urge to believe him. She couldn’t do anything but breathe in deep and let hope inside of her.

 

A few minutes of slow, methodical rubbing later, Evan’s hands traveled back down to her ass, playing with the hem of her bathing suit bottom. Hannah smiled, feeling the area between her legs get a little warm as he stuck his fingers into the back of her bathing suit.

 

“I thought you said this wasn’t a sex thing,” Hannah said teasingly, unbending her spine again to press her back further into Evan’s touch.

 

“It’s not,” Evan whispered, wrapping his legs around Hannah’s, letting her ass settle in against his crotch. “Unless you want it to be,” he added before dragging his tongue hotly along the vein in Hannah’s neck.

 

“Unh!” Hannah cried out, digging her nails into Evan’s thigh and rocking back into his crotch. “Jesus,” she muttered.

 

“Do you want it to be? Huh, baby?” Evan asked into her ear, his breath hitting all the right spots on her skin. He nibbled a little bit on her earlobe, sucking gently and then harder and harder as Hannah’s breathing changed.

 

“I think so…” Hannah exhaled heavily, her neck rocking back so that her head lay on Evan’s shoulder.

 

“I want you to know so, baby,” Evan whispered, lips sliding against the skin immediately behind and under her ear. Hannah squealed a little under her breath, grinding her ass against his crotch just to hold on. “I want you to be desperate for it.”

 

Hannah moaned a little brokenly and rocked her ass back and forth between Evan’s legs, loving the friction on her own body. “I’m getting there,” she whispered in response.

 

“Yeah? Let me know when you’ve arrived,” Evan said before biting down on the tip of her ear, pushing his hand around to rake his nails down the front of her body, tickling her bare stomach until she giggled and sighed.

 

Hannah resisted the urge to wrap her arms around her torso and hide her stomach, which still had leftover fat deposits from her pregnancy even two years later. But she must have become tense anyway despite her lack of motion, as Evan froze and then started tickling her more aggressively a second later, making her stretch her stomach out wider, taking up even more space than before. “I like that,” Evan murmured. “I like feeling that.”

 

“Are you sure?” Hannah asked, her insecurity clearly audible in her voice, even to herself.

 

“Beyond sure,” Evan answered, leaning forward to lick the bottom of her neck while his hands stayed on her stomach, dancing along her skin until it flushed pink under his touch. “So fucking gorgeous.”

 

Hannah sighed in a mixture of relief and disbelief, the weight of her insecurity slinking away and shrinking until she couldn’t detect it in her mind anymore. She rocked her head back harder against Evan’s body, giggling quietly as Evan’s hand came up to stroke over her shoulder and arm.

 

“You’re amazing. You haven’t—you haven’t changed at all,” she murmured softly. “I thought that I had dreamed you up, you know. That the distance made my heart grow fonder, or whatever, however that saying goes. I thought maybe I just made myself remember things as so good because I could imagine up anything I wanted. But you’re real. It’s real. Oh, oh shit—” Hannah broke off as Evan’s hand traveled in between her legs, petting over her crotch through the fabric of her bathing suit bottom.

 

“Do I feel real now, baby?” Evan asked. “Huh?” He bit down hard on her ear then, causing her to squeal and squirm against his legs, thrusting back and forth between his body behind her and the empty air in front of her.

 

“Yes, yes, yes, fuck, yes,” Hannah groaned, bending her neck to one side to give him more space as he explored the area with his tongue. He dragged his teeth along her most sensitive spots, apparently remembering what to do from just one night together almost a year ago. “God, you’re amazing, you’re amazing, you’re so…goddamn it,” Hannah huffed out as Evan sucked a mouthful of skin in between his teeth, pulling it until she whined like a dog begging for a treat.

 

“Yeah, you like that,” Evan muttered as he pulled off of her neck with a wet popping noise. “You like being marked up, don’t you?”

 

“Yes, yes, I do, I do,” Hannah rushed to say, bending her neck back to lay her head on his shoulder again, wordlessly begging to be sucked and kissed and bitten some more.

 

Evan immediately complied, dragging his nails along one side of her neck before grabbing it around the center to hold her head in place while he attacked the other side with his mouth, switching between biting and licking and sucking so rapidly that Hannah couldn’t keep up. But she didn’t care. She just turned her entire body over to Evan’s capable hands, which now moved to her bare breasts, cupping them and squeezing them gently with his long, strong fingers.

 

“Unh, oh!” she cried out as Evan circled his thumbs over her nipples, making them perk up in excitement.

 

“Somebody’s having fun,” Evan teased her before leaning in again to suck another hickey into her skin, this time on her shoulder. “Mm, you got such nice fucking tits, baby.”

 

“Thank you,” Hannah whispered back, arching her back to give him better access to the front side of her body. Her knees were starting to ache at being bent for so long, buried in between the couch cushions, but that wasn’t important now, not when Evan’s hand was slipping down south, petting along her lower stomach. Hannah whined a little in impatience, spreading her legs further apart to encourage him to play with the hot little area in between her thighs. But if he heard her, Evan obviously didn’t pay attention, instead focusing entirely on her stomach, rubbing it so sweetly and so gently that Hannah sighed deeply and felt even more stress and tension abandon her body.

 

A second later, Evan grunted and suddenly flipped Hannah around to face him, leaning over her to kiss the side of her body. “So beautiful,” he murmured and licked his way up from Hannah’s hipbone to her shoulder and then back down again. He nibbled at Hannah’s belly button, sucking gently but firmly enough to leave a purple mark. He dragged his hands down from the hollow between her breasts to her bathing suit bottom, tugging at the hem so that cool air hit the top of Hannah’s vulva.

 

“Fuck,” Hannah muttered, her head rocking back on the pillow as she thrust her hips forward, wanting more of Evan’s hands and mouth on her skin. But a moment later he pinned her hips down to the couch, and Hannah gasped in response, loving how it felt to have Evan take control over her body. She wanted him to boss her around, tell her what to do, and she would happily comply. There was something so hot about being controlled, probably because she knew she could trust Evan not to hurt her.

 

“You going to lay back for me, baby? You going to relax and let me do nice stuff to you?” Evan asked before dragging his tongue down from her breasts to her bellybutton.

 

Hannah nodded furiously, panting so hard her lungs ached. But she didn’t care. She had never felt this excited and this relaxed at the same time before. Evan leaned over again, keeping one hand on her hip as his other one came up to cup her face.

 

“I love you,” he whispered, and before the words actually hit Hannah he pressed their lips together, soft and sweet.

 

She half-sobbed into the kiss, opening her mouth to let his tongue in. She couldn’t help it. She had to deepen the kiss and bring her hand up to press against the back of his head so that there was no space between their faces. Hannah untangled her legs and wrapped them around Evan’s waist, tugging the lower half of his body closer as well. “I—I—baby,” she sighed into the kiss, grabbing his chin to encourage him to kiss her deeply.

 

“It’s okay,” he murmured back, biting a little at her bottom lip. “You don’t have to say it back yet. I already know.”

 

“You do?” Hannah asked, her heart stuttering in her chest, stuck somewhere between joy and terror.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, baby, I do,” Evan said, grinning and bopping her nose with his.

 

Hannah exhaled, and when her breath left her body it was like some parasite living inside of her had died or gone away, that some chains around her wrists and ankles were released. She felt free. She grinned back at Evan and slammed their mouths together harder than before, pressing their lips and tongues together fiercely.

 

A second later, Evan’s hand traveled back down her body, petting over her clothed cunt, his fingers pushing at the fabric of her bathing suit so that it traveled up inside her hole. Hannah groaned into Evan’s mouth and pulled harder on his hair. “Please,” she moaned out pathetically.

 

“Please what?” Evan said, pulling back from her mouth, his exhales ghosting over her face. “What do you want, baby? Tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you.”

 

“Fingers,” Hannah panted out. Her body just knew what it wanted, without any help from her brain. Her body wanted him, deep inside of her.

 

Evan immediately grunted and yanked on her bathing suit until it fell down to her ankles, then pressed two of his fingers against her lower lips, spreading them apart and pushing them back together again. Hannah panted hard, sweat collecting under her neck and shoulders as she thrusted her hips forward a little bit, encouraging Evan’s finger to slip down to her hole. “Jesus, yes,” she cried out breathlessly, jerking her hips in little circles as he slipped a fingertip inside of her.

 

“So wet,” Evan mumbled, bending his head down to lick over her collarbone and the tops of her breasts. “So ready for me, aren’t you?”

 

Hannah nodded, too lost for air to be able to say anything out loud. She lifted her hips up a little more, encouraging more of his finger inside of her cunt. “Mmmn, mmm, oh,” she said between huge panting breaths as Evan’s other hand began to play with her clit.

 

“Yeah, so fucking wet and tight around me, baby, fuck,” Evan whispered, his lips ghosting over her neck.

 

“Oh, yes,” Hannah grunted back, moving her hips up and down in tiny little repetitive circles.

 

Evan’s finger slipped in deeper, past the first knuckle, while the thumb on his other hand moved in big slow circles over her clit, back and forth, back and forth. “Yes, Jesus, fuck,” Hannah moaned, wiping her sweaty forehead with the back of her hand. Her eyes fell shut, the sensations between her legs getting too strong, overwhelming all of her other senses.

 

His fingers started up a faster rhythm, fucking her deeper while pressing down on her clit even harder. “So….fucking wet, Jesus, baby, so fucking hot, shit,” Evan mumbled into her mouth, sucking hard on her bottom lip.

 

Hannah jerked her hips up, matching the rhythm that Evan had set with his hands. “Fuck me harder, fuck me harder,” she whispered, encouraging Evan’s finger to slide in and out faster.

 

After a few more minutes of this, Evan added his thumb alongside his finger, spreading her apart wider. She cried out, slowing her hips down to allow his second finger to slide in comfortably.

 

“Yeah, you’re fucking ready for it. You’re fucking hot for it, aren’t you, baby? My fucking girl,” Evan grunted, shoving his fingers in and out a little harder while his other thumb sped up on her clit, jerking it up and down.

 

“Yes, yes, I am,” Hannah groaned, flexing her leg muscles around Evan’s waist. “I’m so ready, baby, God. Please, I’ve been wanting this for…ungh, for so long.”

 

“I’m going to give you what you want, baby. I’m going to give it to you, I promise,” Evan whispered before slipping his tongue back into her mouth, gently caressing her tongue with his even though he fucked her cunt harder and harder with each passing second.

 

“Please, please, do it, do it, I’m ready, I can do it,” Hannah grunted out, throwing her head back hard as Evan bit down on her neck again.

 

“Can you handle it? Are you sure? Are you ready?” he asked as he licked his way up and down her neck.

 

“I don’t—I don’t…” Hannah trailed off, unsure of what to say.

 

“Hey. You are. You’re ready. You’re safe. You’re strong,” Evan whispered, stroking the side of Hannah’s face before leaning in for a gentle kiss. “Aren’t you?”

 

Hannah felt herself nodding slowly, her body acting on its own while her brain struggled with the question. Was she ready—ready to be united with Evan again? To risk losing him?

 

Her eyes met his, and then she knew the answer.

 

“Yesssss,” Hannah hissed before crashing her mouth back into Evan’s, tasting him as deeply as she could. “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, I’m ready, I’m ready for it, I can do it, I can fucking do it,” she rambled, struggling to unbutton Evan’s pants and shove them to the floor. Evan bent over to retrieve a condom from his pants. With one hand, he yanked his shirt over his head and threw it away, while with the other hand he gripped the condom and quickly sheathed his cock.

 

A second later he aligned their genitals together, pushing the tip of his cock a single millimeter inside of her hole. Hannah panted desperately for breath at the sensation, wanting him to sink deep inside of her.

 

“Do you believe me now?” Evan said as he shoved inside of her a moment later, as deep as he could go. It almost hurt, that stretch, like pain and pleasure were sharing a spot in her brain, but she shoved back as hard as she could, wanting his cock to brush up against all the secret sensitive spots inside of her. “Do you believe me?”

 

It was almost too scary to consider, let alone accept as gospel. Were they really safe? Were they really done fighting tooth and nail to survive? That meant that everything was different. She wasn’t just surviving anymore; she was living now. Her life meant something. It had weight and heft and meaning, and now it meant so much more if she fucked it up, because it had so much goddamned potential. Could she be trusted with a gift like that?

 

But she didn’t have a choice. The full reality of the situation descended upon her all at once as he shoved his penis in and out of her cunt. He was here. He had finished his mission. It was over. It was all over. Now, life had begun. Their life together as two broken people pretending to be whole. That was its own challenge, equally terrifying as the last, but there was no running from this. No hiding from the responsibility of being in love.

 

Evan shocked her out of her reverie by pressing one hand down on her clit, bouncing on it and forcing it up and down and back and forth while his cock pressed in as hard as it could against her inner walls. “Shiiiiiiit!” Hannah cried out, spreading her legs apart wider to let him in even deeper as he attacked her lips with his teeth.

 

“Do you believe me now, baby? Do you believe me now?” Evan repeated himself, pressing down harder on her clit while slapping his hips faster against hers.

 

“Yes, yes, oh, yes, fuck, yes!” Hannah cried out, practically screaming.

 

She shoved her hips up hard with a guttural grunt, bouncing back and forth between his cock and the sweat-soaked couch under her ass. She wanted him in deeper and harder, grinding up against all her special spots faster and more firmly as each second passed and she got wetter and wetter under his touch, his thumb pressing down harder onto her clit. This feeling would never end. It stretched on forward forever like the Christmas tree forest from her dreams, but this time she didn’t feel trapped. She felt safe. She felt reassured, like no matter what she could return to this memory, this beautiful moment that would never abandon her, no matter what happened in the future. She felt her cunt clench tight around his cock, causing him to grunt out loudly and shove inside a little deeper. “Sorry, sorry, was that too much? Too much?” he asked in a rush.

 

Hannah shook her head and swallowed hard, her mouth going as dry as a field full of cacti. “No, not enough. Not enough, please. Please, baby. Give me more. Give it to me. Please!” She grew more hysterical, more desperate as his cock slipped inside deeper and deeper, stretching her hole in every direction.

 

“So fucking tight,” Evan grunted, shoving his cock fully in and out.

 

“As good as you remember?” Hannah asked, trying to laugh for levity but struggling to achieve even a slight giggle with the insufficient amount of air in her lungs at the moment. She didn’t have the time, energy, or basic capacity to lie about her insecurity right now. She was so totally bare, so totally raw and open and innocent of all pretenses. He saw her for her, wounds and all. And she didn’t regret it. She was afraid, but she was happy to do it, committing to her fear rather than running away from it.

 

“Better,” Evan replied, leaning over to bite the side of her neck hard. “The real thing is so much better. Fuck!”

 

Evan reached over with his free hand to grab Hannah’s leg and hike it up higher, giving him a new angle to penetrate her cunt deeper. “Unngh, yes!” Hannah cried out. “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck my cunt, please!”

 

He went in harder, shoving his entire body back and forth on top of her, panting so hard that Hannah was a little afraid he was going to pass out. But he kept going, faster and faster each minute as he pushed in and out, in and out, hitting all these spots that Hannah had never known before.

 

“I might not…I might not last much longer,” Evan warned as he pushed and pulled his hips back and forth faster and harder, chasing after his orgasm.

 

All of a sudden a powerful desire gripped at Hannah’s heart, squeezing it hard until she stopped thrusting and pushed against Evan’s chest.

 

“Get up, get up, get off,” Hannah said, lightly slapping the side of Evan’s body to get him to stop moving.

 

He came to a stop, his cock still gripped tightly by her cunt. “Is something—is something wrong? Did I hurt you?”

 

“No, no, no, no,” Hannah rushed to say, sitting up to push Evan off of her. “I just need…I just…” She trailed off, lost for words as she rearranged their bodies on the couch, straddling Evan’s lap before sinking back down on his cock. This time she’d be in control. “I just need this…Jesus, yes,” she murmured.

 

“Yeah, baby, baby, do it, yeah, do it,” Evan grunted up at her, grabbing at Hannah’s neck to pull her forward into a deep kiss.

 

Hannah began thrusting down hard, bouncing up and down to push his cock in and out of her pussy. “Play with—play with me, please,” she demanded, leaning in to kiss Evan’s sweet neck.

 

He pushed one hand between their bodies, going to her clit and pushing it gently up and down, to the pattern set by Hannah’s hips. She moved slowly, not wanting to trigger Evan too quickly. “I’ve wanted this…for so long,” Evan grunted out, grabbing Hannah’s ass with his free hand. “So fucking long.”

 

“You hungry for me?” Hannah asked, feeling a little devious as she grinned down at his desperate expression.

 

Evan growled a little and shoved his hips up, pushing his cock deeper inside her cunt. “So fucking hard for you, baby,” he mumbled.

 

Hannah laughed and moved her hips a little faster, going in huge circles around Evan’s cock. “I…fucking…love it,” she whispered back, pressing herself forward into Evan’s hand to get more stimulation for her clit.

 

Her cunt felt so hot, bubbling with this energy that she hadn’t felt in so long. She had to go faster, bouncing up and down harder, his cock pushing up inside her deepest inner corner. “So good, so fucking good,” she moaned, rocking her head forward to hide her face in Evan’s neck, licking and nibbling along his skin. She needed something to muffle the pathetic desperate moans that threatened to leave her mouth, and Evan just tasted so fucking good, so delicious. He tasted like the Last Supper must have tasted, spicy and filling at once.

 

Evan started lifting her hips and slamming her back down again with one hand, while his other hand flew over her clit, jerking it up and down, faster than Hannah had ever felt before. Their bodies rocked together mercilessly, knees and calves knocking together unceremoniously while their sweaty foreheads pressed together more gently. They danced together, hips moving in harmony while they trembled and moaned, falling into messy open-mouthed kisses.

 

“I love you,” Evan said again, shoving his hips up even harder than before. “I fucking love you.”

 

“Me, too,” Hannah gasped back, bouncing more in his lap to get his cock in deeper. “Me, too. I’m sorry…I’m sorry I can’t say it yet.”

 

“You’ll get there. You’ll get there,” he replied, breaking off into a long, whining moan. “I’m going to come, baby, I’m going to fucking come,” he warned, shoving in harder and deeper as his moans became more and more incomprehensible.

 

“Do it, you deserve it, do it,” Hannah encouraged him, riding him as hard as she could until she felt him twitch and tremble beneath her, pulsing inside the condom.

 

“Jesus Christ,” Evan mumbled, pressing his forehead hard against hers, his entire body deflating into the pillows and cushions. “God…that was the best…that was the best I’ve ever had.”

 

Hannah grinned, pecking Evan on the lips lightly before lifting her body off of his. Evan gasped a little as he fell out of Hannah’s hole, and she leaned in again to kiss him on the head. “Beautiful boy,” she whispered before walking off to the bathroom to pee and clean up.

 

Staring at herself in the mirror, Hannah couldn’t help but grin at the way her eyes shone and her cheeks glowed with color. She looked beautiful. Happiness looked good on her.

 

When she walked back out to the couch, she was surprised to see Evan standing up, stretching down to his toes. “What are you doing up?” Hannah asked, a little disappointed. She had hoped that they could cuddle.

 

“Getting ready for part two,” he said with a shrug as he bent his elbows behind his back.

 

“What do you mean?” Hannah asked, smiling a little nervously.

 

“You didn’t come,” Evan explained. “You deserve it, too.” He walked back over to the couch to meet her, grabbing her waist and pressing their bodies together closely.

 

Hannah sighed and melted in his arms again, pressing their mouths together lightly. “Baby,” she whispered. “So sweet to me.”

 

“Lay down,” Evan directed her, spreading her out on the couch again with her legs spread open for him. He climbed up her body, licking along her legs until he got to her naked, dripping cunt. “So wet for me still,” he said with a light laugh, dragging his tongue up one of her lips.

 

“Just for you,” Hannah said, exhaling deeply as Evan parted her lips with his tongue, rubbing up against all the red, sensitive parts of her vulva.

 

Evan dragged his teeth along her outer lips, stimulating all the bare areas around her clitoral hood. A moment later he dipped two of his fingertips inside her wet hole, flexing them back and forth a little while his tongue finally found her clit, pushing it up and down while his fingers pumped in and out.

 

“Oh, so good, so fucking good,” Hannah grunted, shifting her hips up to encourage more of his tongue and teeth on her.

 

“Yeah, baby, yeah, relax for me,” Evan mumbled into her cunt, giving her clit thick wide licks while his fingers dipped deeper into her hole.

 

Hannah felt herself coming undone, heat building from the intersection of her thighs up to her chest, down to her toes. She felt warm all over, the slick wetness between her legs helping Evan slide in and out more rapidly. “Do it to me, do it to me, please,” Hannah moaned, spreading her legs apart wider.

 

Evan sucked one of her labia into his mouth, rolling it between his teeth while he sunk his fingers in so deeply that Hannah howled and thrusted her hips up into the air. “Oh, baby, ungh, yes!” Hannah moaned, sweat trickling down from her armpits and under her knees. A great big ball of light was burning its way between her legs, getting larger and larger with every flick of Evan’s tongue.

 

Evan added another finger to her hole, stretching her out wider, creating a delicious burn that licked its way up and down her entire vulva. She thrusted her hips up hard, bouncing back and forth again until the couch squeaked with their efforts. “Deeper, baby, deeper, give it to me, I can take it, unhh, yes,” she grunted out.

 

He laughed at her in between long licks from the top of her cunt to her hole, sticking his tongue in between his fingers. “Yeah, you got it, baby, you can take it like a good girl, like a strong girl,” he responded, shoving his fingers in deeper.

 

Hannah moaned out again, thrusting up into his touch. But at the same time, there was some small part of her that was holding back, hiding somewhere in a dark corner of her brain. This feeling, this huge thing that had only happened on one occasion and had left her when Evan did, could betray her again. Even though this would be only the second time in her life that she had felt this wonderful feeling, it could also be the last. There were no guarantees otherwise. But she wanted it, still, she wanted to feel herself explode, she wanted to feel herself shatter into a thousand tiny little beautiful pieces. She wanted to feel empty. She wanted to feel whole. She wanted to blow herself up and put herself back together, all with the aid of Evan’s beautiful hands.

 

“You can do it, you’re so strong, so fucking strong, baby,” Evan said in between long, hard licks of her clit. “You got this. You fucking got this.”

 

“I do?” she asked between ragged breaths.

 

“Yes. You can do this. I believe in you,” he said before sucking her clit hard into his mouth.

 

And in that moment, Hannah believed him. Not just about her own strength, her own ability to contain the terrifying beauty of orgasms, but also about how safe she was, how safe they both were. They were together, she realized as she felt huge sparks of brilliant flame burn their way up and down her back, spiraling into all of her shaking cells. She trembled like a leaf in the wind, digging her fingers hard into Evan’s shoulders to anchor herself as her cunt overflowed with wonderful sensations that just grew and grew and grew until they burst, showering her with endorphins from the tip of her head to the bottom of her feet. “Ahhh! Ohhh!” Hannah screamed joyously, reaching down desperately for Evan’s hands to pull him back up her body, pressing their heads together.

 

“God, you’re beautiful, you’re amazing,” Evan murmured into her neck, giving her gentle kisses, one after another after another. He pressed sweet kisses to her jawline, tracing both of her cheeks and going up to her ears before lightly nibbling on the back of her neck again.

 

“No…no…you,” she mumbled back, dragging her fingers through Evan’s hair.

 

Evan pulled back to stare into Hannah’s eyes, rubbing the sides of her face with his palms. “I fought for you, woman,” he said, a little teasingly, but Hannah knew that there was so much truth in that statement.

 

“I know. But no more,” Hannah whispered back. “No more fighting. Just living now.” Their eyes met, holding still as they stared into each other’s darkness, loving what they saw hiding within.

 

“I want to go outside with you,” Evan said after a short pause. He pressed the back of Hannah’s hand against his mouth in a sweet kiss, going along to peck each of her fingers.

 

“Onto the beach? But Alex—” Hannah protested.

 

“We’ll just go out for a minute, into the backyard. We’ll hear him if he needs us,” Evan replied, getting to his feet and offering his hand to Hannah. She accepted it and led the way out to the backyard, grabbing a sound monitor on her way to make sure she would hear if there were any problems with Alex.

 

They stepped out into the sand, totally naked together, leaving footprints behind them as they approached the ocean, staring out at the light cast onto the dark water by the moon.

 

“This is our life now, right? This is ours?” Hannah whispered as Evan leaned in to kiss her lips.

 

Evan nodded as he pulled back from her mouth. “Yes. It’s ours. And Alex’s. It’s all of ours.”

 

We’re a family, Hannah thought. The three of us now. We’re together.

 

“For how long?” Hannah couldn’t help but ask, nervousness slipping into her voice.

 

“For as long as we want it,” Evan replied, kissing the top of her forehead and skimming his nails over the sides of her neck, causing her to shiver even in her post-orgasm haze.

 

“It’s going to take me some time,” Hannah said, sighing in relief as Evan brushed his hand over her hair, making all of her brain cells tingle in pleasure. “Is that okay? If it takes me a while to…to get used to it?”

 

“A life without fighting?” Evan suggested, and Hannah nodded.

 

How can I live if I’m not fighting to survive? If I’m not looking for the next disaster? What kind of person will I be? Hannah wondered, staring up at Evan as if he had all the answers.

 

“Is that okay?” Hannah repeated herself, leaning up to bury her face in Evan’s neck.

 

“More than okay,” he replied. “I’m going to love watching you accept it, you know, little by little. Learning that you’re safe with me. I can’t wait, baby. I can’t wait.”

 

“I can’t wait, either,” Hannah whispered, pressing kisses against Evan’s neck. “To see the type of people we’re going to become.”

 

“As cliché as it is…” Evan said with a deep sigh, but it wasn’t a sad one. It wasn’t even tired. It was hopeful. It was content, something Hannah never thought she’d hear out of Evan. “Tomorrow is a brand new day.”

 

A new day, Hannah thought. All of them would get a chance to move on, finally, to become people who weren’t defined by the wars they had to fight, by the scars they had to take. For once, they were going to grow rather than shrink. They were going to reach out and grab the New Year by the neck, riding along as best as they could. They had that chance now, to start anew.

 

THE END

 

 

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