Chapter 9: Fay

“Hey, bitch!” Courtney exclaimed. “I’m glad to see you’re alive!”

“Me?” I asked in confusion. “Of course, I’m alive. I’m the one who went home early, remember?”

“Of course, I remember. At least, I think I do. Now get inside the car. It’s fucking freezing. This is Alaska we’re living in, in case you forgot.”

I got into the car laughing, seeing my breath as almost a solid thing as I did so, and not caring even a little bit. It was true that I had a little bit of a headache, which didn’t surprise me. The relatively small amount I’d had to drink the night before was still a lot for me. Other than that, I was feeling pretty good. In fact, I was feeling pretty great, although I didn’t want to let myself.

I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but at the same time, I couldn’t stop replaying my brief encounter with Neil in my head. I’d probably replayed it a thousand times before I was actually able to fall asleep the night before. I continued thinking about it after contacting Courtney and telling her that I couldn’t get my car to start. I was so into thinking about the way Neil and I had interacted that I almost didn’t bother to bring my book with me, even though I was headed to work and the book always came with me when I did that. I hadn’t become any less interested in my reading, but I was also close to positive that I had something else to do my entertaining today.

“Whew!” Courtney said. “Pretty interesting night, huh?”

“Interesting?” I repeated, looking sideways at Courtney to see if she was trying to mess with me or something. “Sure, I guess you could say that.”

“Hey, how come you’re using that tone?” she asked me, pouting. Her eyes focused on the road, and I thought it was probably safe to sneak a look up at Neil’s house before we pulled out onto the road, and we lost sight of it altogether.

“What tone?” I asked distractedly, wanting her to keep talking, but not actually putting all that much energy into listening. “I’m not using a tone.”

“Um, I beg to differ. You most definitely are. It’s the tone you use with me when you think I’ve been up to no good.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure we both know that you have, but I don’t care. I’ve always liked Eli.”

“Shit, I’m not talking about that,” she shot back. “I’m up to that kind of no good plenty. You sound like you think I did something sneaky. That’s what I’m getting at.”

“No, I’m not saying that,” I said frowning. “But now that you mention it.”

“Just what? Spit it out, Turner. You’re killing me!”

“Did you do that, somehow?” I asked. “Like, did you get Neil to come to the bar?”

“Ha! Nope, but it worked out pretty perfectly, didn’t it? I totally wish I could take credit for it, believe me, but no deal. Just a freaking happy coincidence, at least for me.”

“What do you mean, at least for you? Why not for me, too?”

“I don’t know. It’s not like things went very far. You got up and left him sitting there like a total jackass!”

“And what was I supposed to do instead?” I asked in annoyance.

“Oh, I don’t know, go back to that massive house of his? Not to be insensitive or anything, but it’s not like there’s anyone else there to have a problem with it anymore.”

“Courtney!” I almost shrieked, actually kind of horrified. My voice was loud enough to make Courtney wince. “That’s a terrible thing to say! And it shouldn’t surprise you that I didn’t go home with him. It’s not like him being back in town magically changed who I was, right?”

“Right, but come on! Isn’t this sort of the one you’ve been holding out for? After all of those freaking Prince Charming kinds of books, isn’t he yours? The ridiculously hot ex comes back into town under tragic circumstances? You both happen to be in the right place at the right time? Tell me that isn’t the perfect scenario for you to pop your cherry.”

“Sorry, but no.”

“What more do you want, Fay?”

“For him to prove it’s about more than just getting me into bed, for starters. He was drunk, Courtney, and I was, too. If we’re even going to think about going there, I’m going to need a little bit more than that.”

“Like what, a diamond ring?” she asked.

“No, but some conversation might be nice. A little bit of time to get to know each other.”

“But you two dated all through high school!”

“That’s right, and that was years and years ago. I mean, after all this time, we need to get to know who we are now. I told him very clearly that if he wanted to see more of me, he knew where to find me.”

“Yeah, well don’t get your hopes up, lady. I wish I were wrong about this, but I don’t think men like the one you’re holding out for exist. Not even when they’re hot exes.”

“They may not. Then again, they may. We’ll just have to see.”

I thought I was doing a pretty good job of sounding sure of myself, but inside, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. The night before, I had felt so good about what I was doing. I’d felt sure that it was the right move. But in the cold, gray light of the next day’s afternoon, I wasn’t so sure.

Neil had probably only been expressing interest in me because he was drunk, and he knew I might still have an emotional tie to him. Maybe he was also a little bit surprised that I hadn’t freaked out on him yet. If that was the case, he wasn’t the only one.

Even though I was the one living inside of my own head, I still couldn’t quite understand how it was that I was so okay with the fact that Neil had completely bailed on me and was now acting like nothing had ever happened at all. I was maybe a little extra cautious, but whether or not I should have been, I found that I couldn’t make myself be angry. Part of me even wanted to be angry. It felt like it would have been a hell of a lot safer than whatever it was I was doing instead, but I couldn’t do it.

What I could do was make myself half-crazy. Courtney and I opened up the diner. I waited to see if Neil would come and see me, or if it had only been his drinks talking. Courtney’s words kept replaying in my mind over and over again, like a tape on a loop. I couldn’t help wondering if everything she’d said to me was right. Maybe it had always been right, maybe all of it had been, and I had only been wasting my time on stupid dreams of life being a certain way that didn’t really exist.

“Hey! Hey, dreamy, pay attention!”

I looked up so suddenly that I almost dropped the salt shaker I had in my hand. Courtney, who had actually done some work for a change and wiped the tables down, was groaning and laughing at the same time. Jesus, I really did belong in one of those fairytale movies, one of the ones where the main princess was so full of daydreams that she could hardly navigate the world around her.

I had been so busy thinking about Neil and whether or not I had played things the right way that I had managed to dump a not inconsiderable amount of salt all over the counter top. I cursed to myself under my breath. That struck Courtney even funnier than the spillage itself and got her laughing in earnest.

I began to set about cleaning my mess up. I was so wrapped up in what I was doing that I completely ignored the sound of the door’s bell dinging. Courtney stopped laughing and, instead of greeting our customer, remained totally silent. That was odd, so I looked up, already on the verge of being pissed off at her for making my afternoon harder than it needed to be.

“Neil!” I exclaimed.

“Fay,” he said, smiling. He looked tired and a little worse for wear. But somehow, he managed to look completely gorgeous all the same. “Did I come at a bad time?”

“What? No! No, you didn’t. We’re just getting everything set up.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t the salt go inside of the shakers and not on the countertop?” he asked with a grin.

“Ah, is that where I went wrong?” I said, feeling embarrassed. “Good thing you were here to tell me.”

“Definitely,” he agreed, smiling wider as he took a seat right in front of where I was still trying to clean up my mess. “Dodged a bullet if you ask me.”

“Well that’s good. Don’t want to do the opposite.”

Neil laughed a little, and then there was silence. I could feel him looking at me while I looked down at the salt. At the same time, I could feel Courtney’s eyes boring into the side of my face. It was such an intense stare that I was sure that giving her super powers would have meant my death. I wanted to look right back at her and tell her to back off already. She cleared her throat and tapped the coffee machine.

“Oh!” I said.

“What?” Neil asked, sounding like he might be genuinely considering my well-being. “Is something the matter?”

“No,” I said, scrambling. I wished that I was a much better liar than I really was, for probably the thousandth time over the last couple of days. “Just a cut on my hand that salt didn’t help with at all. Also, can I get you something? Another cup of coffee?”

“Nope, I already had my coffee for today.”

“Something else then?” I asked. “Are you still a Dr. Pepper fan?”

“I am, but I don’t want one of those, either.”

“All right, but we’re reaching the end of the things I know for a fact you like. Maybe it would be easier if you just told me what you’d like?”

“I came here for you, actually,” he said.

“For me? I don’t get it.”

“You told me last night that if I wanted to see more of you, I knew where to find you. You did say that, right? Please tell me I didn’t hallucinate that because that would be so embarrassing.”

“No, you didn’t. I just, I guess I didn’t expect you to show up here.”

“That’s fair,” he said. “Is it that you didn’t want me to show up? You can tell me if that’s it. I’m a big boy, I can handle it.”

It was such a shockingly honest question that it caught me completely off guard. The Neil I had known before he’d left Ashville for good had always had his eyes forward. He’d always been looking to move forward. It was the thing that had made him almost frighteningly ambitious, but it had also made him sort of blind to the way the things he did affected other people.

I didn’t have time to sit down and think it all through with him sitting there and looking at me. It didn’t help that Courtney was staring me down from behind. But I was pretty sure there had never been a time that Neil had asked me anything that pointed to any level of introspection. I didn’t think that he had ever asked me something as simple as whether I wanted him around or not. It wasn’t a bad question to be asked, but I also had no idea how I was supposed to answer it. I was so thrown off that I was actually grateful when Courtney spoke up for me.

“Nope, not to worry, Neil. There’s no issue there.”

“You sure about that?” he asked Courtney, laughing like it was no big deal but not quite able to get rid of the weird little shake his voice had taken on. “I can’t say this is how people usually act when they’re happy to see me.”

“Well, she’s not your average girl, now is she? You’ve known her for as long as I have, buddy. You should know that full well.”

“You’re right about that,” he said. “She’s certainly not average.”

Even though we were smack dab in the middle of Alaska, I felt myself growing hot all over. The way he talked about me gave me goosebumps. And those eyes. It felt like his eyes were reading everything about me, and I was sure he hadn’t blinked once since this strange conversation began. I’d told him to come and find me if he wanted to see more of me, not to try and take me home from some bar. Now that he’d actually done it, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. You would have thought he was a total stranger, and in a lot of ways, he kind of was. I had no idea what I was supposed to say, stranger or not. I wasn’t even sure what he wanted. So far, he hadn’t told me anything aside from the fact that he’d come there to see me and only for that. Once he made it clear that he didn’t even want something as simple as a Dr. Pepper, I was pretty much at a loss as to what I was supposed to do.

“So are you going to ask her out or what?” Courtney asked.

“Courtney!” I practically shrieked, totally mortified that she would come right out and ask a question like that.

She was talking like I wasn’t even there in the same room, which made me feel like a total idiot. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Apparently, whatever was going on here didn’t even need to involve me. I was almost afraid to look at Neil. I didn’t want to see what his face must look like with Courtney talking to him like that. When he spoke, I was about ready to go back to hiding behind the countertop, just so that I didn’t have to be a part of whatever awful thing was about to happen.

Neil grinned. “You know? That’s what I was trying to get to, but I guess I can see your point. I wasn’t doing a very good job, was I?”

“I don’t know,” Courtney answered in that sly, falsely innocent voice she had, that always made me think she was up to no good. “That sort of depends on how many months you were planning on taking to do it. If you were trying to really draw it out, then you’re right on track.”

“All right, all right. I see what you’re saying. Do I have your permission then? To take her out?”

“My permission?” Courtney asked gleefully. “Oh man, I like the sound of that. I wish more people would ask me that kind of thing.”

“Um, guys?” I interjected. “You know I’m standing right here, don’t you?”

Courtney only laughed again, which was good for lightening the mood. But it also kind of made me want to kill her. Neil had the good grace to flush a little, which made me feel better for some weird reason. If I was going to be uncomfortable, it only seemed fair that somebody else had to be also. He cleared his throat and looked at me again, this time with his eyes that were serious enough to bring my goosebumps back.

“I’m sorry, Fay. I’m not doing a very good job of this. If you want to know the truth, I don’t spend much time asking women out.”

“Ha!” Courtney snorted from behind us, making her opinion on the truthfulness of that statement easily known.

I thought Neil might look away from me and go back to bantering back and forth with my friend, but this time, her words didn’t even faze him. As far as he was concerned, she might not even have existed. Nobody did, aside from me, which was a pretty weird feeling when I reminded myself that this was Neil Driscoll I was talking to.

“Fay?” he asked.

“Hm?”

“I came by because I wanted to ask you to come to dinner with me tomorrow night. No pressure or anything. I realize it’s short notice, and you might already have plans.”

I waited for Courtney to expel that snort of laughter again. I was so sure it was going to happen that I was pretty sure I could hear it, even though she kept quiet. I wasn’t sure if he was pulling my leg when he said he didn’t spend much time asking women out, but I was positive that however much experience with it he had, I had even less. After Neil had left, I had pretty much bowed out when it came to going on dates. It wasn’t an intentional decision, but it was what had happened, whether it had been planned or not. The fact that it was Neil doing the asking now made things feel so surreal that I couldn’t even manage to get my mouth open. Once again, it was Courtney who came to the rescue and gave the answer I couldn’t seem to give.

“She’d love to. Pick her up at seven, okay? And don’t be late, whatever you do.”